Beka sat in the Maru, staring out at the stars. She wouldn't be on the
Andromeda, because the AI popped up now and then, asking if she had eaten
something. She hadn't, not for three days now. It wasn't that she wasn't
hungry, but everytime she was going to eat she became nauseous and couldn't
make herself eat it. She had hurt them all so much, failed them. She didn't
deserve food. She deserved to be hungry. She hadn't made any more attempts
to talk to anyone, she didn't really feel like being rejected anymore.
While she waited for Dylan to say she could go back to duty, she had locked
herself away in the Maru. Tyr had been trying to make her get out of there,
but with his nietchzean way to say things, he only made it worse.
"I really messed up, didn't I daddy?" she asked out in thin air. Then she put her hands on her face and started to cry again.
****
"I think we have to do something. She's not eating, barely sleeping, not talking to anyone." Harper had collected the other members in the obs deck to discuss what to do. So far, Trance was the only one who seemed to openly agree with him.
"I tried to make her get out, she wouldn't listen to me," Tyr said in his nietchzean calm voice.
"Maybe we should just let her take her time," Dylan said, "that is why I haven't let her go back to duty yet, she still needs to come to terms with what happened so she can easier put it behind her." Harper sighed. He knew Beka didn't work that way, but there was no use saying that to typical high guard Dylan. She would be overwhelmed by guilt, thinking they all hated her. There was no "coming to terms", but she would just go deeper into the guilt the more they left her alone. He knew it was partly his fault it was like this. She had tried to check if they were still okay by trying to talk to him and he had showed her clearly that they weren't. But there was just something, something he couldn't explain.
It locked him up when he was going to talk to her. He just had to run away, to get away from there.
"I agree with Harper," Trance said. "I don't think we should leave her alone." Rommie who had been quiet until now looked up.
"According to her vital signs, she hasn't eaten anything for three days or slept for the same amount of time." Dylan sighed.
"Okay, we wait until tomorrow and then I'll talk to her okay?" Harper sighed but nodded. He could hear how that talk would go. Dylan was probably good with high guard officers, but Beka wasn't like that. He would just tell her to eat and sleep and that they weren't blaming her for what happened. And then.it wouldn't help of course.
No one heard Trance's whispered words.
"Tomorrow.might be too late."
****
Beka breathed hard as she moved to her make-up box. One could've thought she was going to reapply her make-up after crying so hard, but that wasn't what she had in mind.
Since Beka often wore sleeve-less tops she shaved her armpits, although it was something she weren't proud of, didn't go with her un-female surface. In the make-up box she had a blue razor that was very new, still very sharp. Tears surfaced her eyes again as she took up the razor and tested it's coolness against her arm.
"Yeah," she whispered to herself, "I have to do this. It's the best for everyone." She looked out at the stars again before placing the razor against her wrist.
"It's for the best, it's for the best." she kept repeating as a mantra. She looked at her arm, looking out where the best spot for cutting was. She saw the artery and put the blade against it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to no one, or everyone, everyone she had ever let down, everyone she let down by doing this. She just couldn't take it anymore.
And she pulled the blade long, about a decimeter before lifting it up and fascinated she watched the blood run down in a very quick pace.
"God, this is a lot of blood," she whispered to herself. She started to feel lightheaded and quickly did the same with the other wrist, getting as much blood from this arm as the other. Soon she was feeling so weak she had to lie down, the razor still in her hand.
And soon, Beka Valentine was lying unconscious on the floor of her ship, dried tears on her cheeks and blood still running from her wrists, with a blue razor cramped in her hand.
"I really messed up, didn't I daddy?" she asked out in thin air. Then she put her hands on her face and started to cry again.
****
"I think we have to do something. She's not eating, barely sleeping, not talking to anyone." Harper had collected the other members in the obs deck to discuss what to do. So far, Trance was the only one who seemed to openly agree with him.
"I tried to make her get out, she wouldn't listen to me," Tyr said in his nietchzean calm voice.
"Maybe we should just let her take her time," Dylan said, "that is why I haven't let her go back to duty yet, she still needs to come to terms with what happened so she can easier put it behind her." Harper sighed. He knew Beka didn't work that way, but there was no use saying that to typical high guard Dylan. She would be overwhelmed by guilt, thinking they all hated her. There was no "coming to terms", but she would just go deeper into the guilt the more they left her alone. He knew it was partly his fault it was like this. She had tried to check if they were still okay by trying to talk to him and he had showed her clearly that they weren't. But there was just something, something he couldn't explain.
It locked him up when he was going to talk to her. He just had to run away, to get away from there.
"I agree with Harper," Trance said. "I don't think we should leave her alone." Rommie who had been quiet until now looked up.
"According to her vital signs, she hasn't eaten anything for three days or slept for the same amount of time." Dylan sighed.
"Okay, we wait until tomorrow and then I'll talk to her okay?" Harper sighed but nodded. He could hear how that talk would go. Dylan was probably good with high guard officers, but Beka wasn't like that. He would just tell her to eat and sleep and that they weren't blaming her for what happened. And then.it wouldn't help of course.
No one heard Trance's whispered words.
"Tomorrow.might be too late."
****
Beka breathed hard as she moved to her make-up box. One could've thought she was going to reapply her make-up after crying so hard, but that wasn't what she had in mind.
Since Beka often wore sleeve-less tops she shaved her armpits, although it was something she weren't proud of, didn't go with her un-female surface. In the make-up box she had a blue razor that was very new, still very sharp. Tears surfaced her eyes again as she took up the razor and tested it's coolness against her arm.
"Yeah," she whispered to herself, "I have to do this. It's the best for everyone." She looked out at the stars again before placing the razor against her wrist.
"It's for the best, it's for the best." she kept repeating as a mantra. She looked at her arm, looking out where the best spot for cutting was. She saw the artery and put the blade against it.
"I'm sorry," she whispered to no one, or everyone, everyone she had ever let down, everyone she let down by doing this. She just couldn't take it anymore.
And she pulled the blade long, about a decimeter before lifting it up and fascinated she watched the blood run down in a very quick pace.
"God, this is a lot of blood," she whispered to herself. She started to feel lightheaded and quickly did the same with the other wrist, getting as much blood from this arm as the other. Soon she was feeling so weak she had to lie down, the razor still in her hand.
And soon, Beka Valentine was lying unconscious on the floor of her ship, dried tears on her cheeks and blood still running from her wrists, with a blue razor cramped in her hand.