A/N: Thanks to my various roomies and Allison for looking over this.

April 1st

Chase, Cameron and Foreman stared at the whiteboard as though the black letters written there might rearrange themselves into an order that made more sense. The message had been written there since Cameron, early as usual, had arrived that morning.

In House's sloppy handwriting two words were written: For Wilson.

A strip of condoms was taped next to it. In smaller writing under them it read: (I got the lube at home).

"Nope. No way he means it," Chase said, shaking his head emphatically.

Cameron, who was even paler than usual, bit her lip uncertainly. "I don't know. They are awfully close. And it would explain a lot."

"Like what? The fact that he's just not into you?" Foreman said sarcastically, exchanging a significant look with Chase over Cameron's head. "He's just yanking our chains, as usual."

"Why would he want us to think he's with Wilson?" Cameron asked.

"To mess with our heads?" Chase hazarded. "Or possibly to mess with Wilson's. I'm not saying they don't have a screwed-up relationship; I just can't see them sleeping together." He made a face. "I don't think my sanity could handle it if they were."

Foreman nodded his agreement. "Plus, it is April first. This is probably House's idea of a cute prank."

"You guys shouldn't be so judgmental," Cameron said in that slightly self-righteous way she had.

Chase snorted derisively. "Riiiiight, I'm sure you think they're a cute couple."

"Who's a cute couple?" Wilson said walking in, case files in hand. The fellows started guiltily.

"Uh, Tom and Katie," Cameron improvised, steadfastly ignoring the suspiciously giggle-like sound that escaped Chase.

"Oh," Wilson said, obviously without any idea who 'Tom and Katie' were. "Have you kids seen House lately?"

"Hi, Dr. Wilson," Chased started, with artificial cheer, "Why do you need him?"

Wilson blinked. "Do I need a reason?" The complete and total attention of the House's team took Wilson aback; something was up, but he had yet to figure out exactly what.

"No, of course not," Cameron cut in smoothly. "He hasn't been in this morning. And we actually, well…" She took a seat at the long table and Chase quickly followed suit. Foreman busied himself with the coffee maker.

"We assumed he was with you," Foreman finished for her.

"With me? No, I haven't seen him…" He trailed off as he saw the whiteboard and what was written there. He blanched. "Oh my God."

"I told you," Chase said triumphantly. "Joke."

Cameron, who was watching Wilson change from pale to scarlet, said, "I'm not so sure."

Wilson was spared further comment, however by House's timely entrance. With exaggerated force, House threw open the door and made his entrance, evidently full of vim and vigor. "Morning, all." He was cheery in the way he was only when he'd been particularly naughty. "I see you all got my little surprise."

"It is a joke, then," Foreman said, getting annoyed with whatever mind game House was playing.

House removed his motorcycle jacked and flung it down on the table. "Would I joke about a thing like that?" He surveyed the gathered, all of whom were nodding with varying degrees of enthusiasm. Except for Wilson, who looked nauseated. "Guys," House rolled his eyes clownishly, "I thought you knew me better than that. I'd never lie about Wilson and me doing the nasty. The horizontal polka. Playing doctor. Freeing Willy-"

"House." Wilson's voice held a dangerous edge. House looked at him, and after a moment's hesitation, shut his mouth.

"You two are really together?" Cameron's asked, sounding slightly strangled.

"Yes. Do you find that hot?" House said, raising an eyebrow inquisitively. Cameron flushed and stammered a 'no'.

"And you're…gay," Chase said, flinching in a way that suggested he'd just received a sharp kick in the shins under the table. Cameron was giving him a nasty look.

Wilson shifted uncomfortably. "I don't like to really assign labels-"

"Because he's gay," House interrupted. "All that skirt-chasing? An elaborate act so he could get close enough to jump my bones."

"If you let him jump said bones, what does that make you?" Chase challenged, pushing away from the table and out of the range of Cameron's shoe.

House settled himself into one of the conference room chairs and propped his feet on the table with exaggerated care. "I'm experimenting with my sexuality. It's trendy."

Wilson rubbed his temples. "House, would you mind coming with me, please?" House opened his mouth to retort, but Wilson continued. "Unless you want a change of tonight's," he cast a glance at the attentive faces of the fellows, "activities." House quickly shut his mouth and got to his feet as fast as he was able. Wilson turned and exited with the stiff footsteps of a man struggling to maintain what little dignity he had left. House followed, but only after he'd snatched the condoms from the whiteboard.

"I'm going to need these," he explained to his incredulous fellows.

"House!" Wilson barked, already out the door.

"He's insatiable," House threw over his shoulder, hurrying to catch the retreating Wilson.

Wilson marched down the halls of PPTH with single-minded determination, fighting the urge to look over his shoulder and make sure House was following. Really, he didn't have to; he could hear House's lopsided gait and the muttered curses of those who didn't get out of his way fast enough. The moment they were alone with the exam room door safely shut behind them Wilson turned to House, setting his hands on his hips. "I thought we'd decided that we weren't going to come out at work."

House perched on the wheeled stool, idly pushing himself back and forth across the floor with no clear destination in mind. "Well, you sure decided that."

"No, I definitely remember someone saying 'Let's keep it on the down low, Jimmy. I don't want you getting any gay on my practice.' And I'm willing to bet that person was you. Certainly sounds like you.'"

House rolled his eyes. "Changed my mind. I'm all with the pride now."

"And yet I don't see any rainbow flags or pink triangles adorning your office."

"They clash with the décor. Aw," House said, changing tactics, "I'm afraid that you're ashamed of me, baby."

"Duh," Wilson said explosively. "It was bad enough when I was just friends with a misanthropic bastard, but now that I'm sleeping with him…" Wilson trailed off to let House imagine the horrors of having every nurse, intern, tech and custodian know that he had intimate, carnal knowledge of the single most hated man in the hospital.

"Yeah, so sorry I've gotten in the way of your networking."

"Somehow I very much doubt that." Wilson looked heavenward, as if asking God for strength. "If you wanted people to know that we were-"

"Getting jiggy wit it?" House glanced up from the supply drawer he was rummaging through.

"-Together, you could have just said so."

"Sure. But the look on your face and the look on Cameron's face when she saw the look on your face…" House shivered with delight. "That was fan-fucking-tastic. Wish I'd gotten film of it. It would have been great for youtube." House produced a package of tongue depressors and after a momentary inspection, pocketed them.

Wilson sat on the exam table, the only other place to in the small room. "You know, some people find ways other than humiliation to express their love- what the hell are you going to do with those depressors?" Wilson snapped as House nicked another package.

"I'm trying to build a full-scale model of the Alamo. Have you seen any bandaging tape? I think the nurses are hording it." He slid the drawer closed and moved on to the next one. "And who says I love you?"

Wilson lay back on the table, staring at the uninspired tile of the ceiling. "Oh please, this morning's little prank was you dancing down the hall singing "I Honestly Love You" when translated from Houseian, which, I'll grant you, is not a Romantic language."

"Definitely more Germanic," House agreed, apparently done with his pilfering.

Wilson glanced at his watch and started. "Shit. I've got to go, I've got an appointment." He slid off the table, automatically straightening his clothes.

House caught his wrist before he made it to the door. "So you're not going to be pissy?"

"No more than usual," Wilson answered wryly, placing his free hand over House's but making no effort to remove it.

"No lecture about the importance of trust and personal boundaries?"

Wilson snorted at the idea of House having any kind of personal boundaries whatsoever. "If everyone knows about our relationship, then I guess there's nothing to be done." Wilson adopted the same tone his mother had used whenever he'd volunteered her to man the bake sale in elementary school. "It was bound to happen sooner or later."

"Our relationship?" House pulled a face.

Wilson gave House one of his best exasperated looks. "Yes, our relationship."

"This is a relationship?"

"Yes," Wilson said firmly, "A committed, exclusive relationship." He enunciated each word, daring House to make issue of it.

"What if I don't want it to be?" House was only too happy to oblige.

Wilson shrugged in a way that suggest he really didn't care. "That's tough."

House's annoyance was a poor cover for his amusement. "I don't get a say?"

"Nope," Wilson said cheerfully.

"Mmmrrrrow. I like it when you take charge," House leered, baring teeth in a feral smile.

Wilson pulled him in by the front of his blazer for a short but fierce kiss. "Good. Get used to it."