Chapter 7

This morning, when I woke up, Daniel was gone. Suddenly I felt a wave of guilt rush over me. I was naked, and inside his bed. He had obviously gone out for a walk through the street. Well, I'm sorry, Daniel but I have to wake up time sometime. And I really don't want to, but I have to.

So as I hold my hands up and say my famous words, I think about the night before. Did I really do that? I gave it up, I gave it all up for him. This guy who hit me and beat me. I felt horrible…the pain just wont go away. And he didn't even notice the scars on my arms. He was just too intrigued with my body that he didn't even notice that I've been hurting so badly.

Birds are happily chirping now, and I can hear someone screaming down the street. The rush of energy probably scared someone. Time has been stopped for so long, it's understandable. Daniel now knows I'm awake.

Now, it's funny, but as I think about the night before, I remember that Daniel did make me feel beautiful, like I was worth something. But the thing is, I'm wondering, why do I feel like a piece of shit today? My mind is bouncing back and forth, about the time stopping and everything and Beastboy. Oh, Beastboy. I love him too. But I don't know who to choose.

Once again, I'm overwhelmed by guilt and pain. I hate this, it's all I feel anymore. I just walk into the bathroom, once again, and go into the bottom drawer. It's a deeper drawer, and I installed a piece of wood towards the bottom of the drawer, so that I have to pull a hidden string from inside another drawer to get into my secret compartment.

I never told Daniel about my secret place, but I need a place, to put MY things. The specific things that I need for my 'special' time of the month, if you catch my drift.

I pull out a little Tampon box I keep in there. I've become accustomed to doing this when I've been uptight. I look up to see the usual note taped to the mirror, Raven it reads I went out for a walk, and probably to the café. If you could, when you wake up, can you resume time. I need some time for myself right now, and thanks. Last night was just…wonderful, by the way. I love you, Rae Daniel

I pull turn my tampon box over to where I have a little envelope, and inside, a tiny razor. I've only been doing this for a month now, but it does help. It helps ease my pain, helps me keep my mind off my emotional pain and concentrate on the physical, which is less hurtful. I wouldn't consider it an addiction, but just something I NEED to do once and a while, to take away the pain. I do it maybe every other day. This is my fifteenth time doing it. I look at my arm, and I see the scabs from where the first few are just starting to heal. I have the power of healing myself, but for some reason, I don't know what, but something inside stops me. Maybe I do want someone to find out. Maybe I do want someone to notice my pain…I don't know.

I turn on the water to the sink, and stare at it flowing. Water calms me, like the sea does. I don't know, it's like it's so free. I sit down on the toilet there, pulling on a bra, underwear and some sweatpants, wondering if I should do it. If I should make another scrape. I know not to do it too deep, and if I did, I could heal it fast…I think…

I sighing, I take the razor and let it glide through my skin. I've come to realize that I can draw very strait lines, even in my skin. Weird concept, I know.

Then I hear some footsteps and I immediately put a wad of toilet paper against where the bright red blood is flowing out, and I quickly put away the razor and things after chanting my famous words. Everything floated to its place, and I jumped into the shower.

"Raven?" a familiar voice whimpered from behind the door.

"Beastboy?" I say…oh, shit. I can't let him see me like this!

"What are you doing to yourself? Why?" He already saw…shit

"It's nothing, Beastboy, nothing." I lie…it's something…I hate myself…I want to die, but instead, I step out of the shower and he gently touches my arm. His fingers trace the scabs from the old cuts, and they trace their way to where my new healing scrapes are.

He reaches for the drawer, pulls the string, and then grabs the tampon box. He turns it over and pulls the small envelope off of it. I've been caught. He's stealing the one thing I have that gives me control! That is my security.

"It is something, Raven."

"No…"

"Then you won't mind me taking this, will you?"

"Give me back the razor…" I say under my breath. But he doesn't. He has grown up a lot since last year. Normally, if I were to say something like that, he would've given it back in a heart beat and ran away.

Beastboy wasn't running now. He wasn't giving me back my razor blade. "Please" I cry out. I'm close to tears now. "I've been through too much…please, give it back."

"You're right. You have been through too much. And I know for a fact that you are innocent. A robbery just occurred…Raven, the main suspect, but you've been here. I told Robin, and he's still suspicious. Don't worry; I disabled the tracking device before I came here." Then he pulled out his communicator, "Robin…" he spoke into it…

"WHAT!" I heard back.

"Raven's here with me. Like I told you before, he is NOT the criminal. But I think her old boyfriend, Daniel is…"

"Is he there too?"

"No…"

Silence….silence…oh, and more silence. It lasts for like twenty minutes, not really, only like one, but still! It feels like twenty. Finally, he says;

"Let me talk to her."

I instantly grab the communicator, "If you dare to try to find me, I'll stop you in time permanently. I don't want to talk to you, Cyborg, or Starfire. Just fuck off all of you and leave me alone."

"Raven…" I hear a little joy in his voice? "Is that…is that really you?"

"Yeah, what do you want, asshole?"

"I wanted to tell you that you should thank Beastboy…"

"Why?"

"Because, he's seen you around before, but he never told us when he saw you or where. Just that he's seen you and you are innocent. Now that you are with him, and a burglary just occurred…well, you are innocent. I wanted to tell you that." Now this makes me want to cry…

"So, you don't want me thrown in jail?"

Silence….a sigh…and then, "I guess not. It's hard, when you've been trying to track someone down and they are right under your nose. You get so determined, that I kind of focused most of my energy in finding you, but you are totally innocent. I guess what I'm trying to say, is…to an old friend, I'm sorry."

"Little boy wonder has grown up in the past year, hasn't he…ahhhh…isn't that just ADORABLE! Well, I have a life now, so don't expect me to come back. I hate you all."

"Raven…" Now, It's Beastboy talking.

"What, BB?" my voice softens a little, but I feel tears threatening.

"You have to come back to the tower."

"Huh?"

"You have no choice."

"WHAT!" Robin and I both say at the same time, "But I don't want to see her." Robin adds.

"And I defiantly don't want to see HIM!"

"I'm worried about you Raven…" Beastboy says. "It's not about Daniel anymore. It's about you."

"Huh?" Robin and I once again say at the same time.

"Robin I need to talk to Raven alone." Beastboy says, then shuts off the communicator. Like literally turns it off so no one can contact or listen in.

"Raven…" he starts again, now he's digging through the cupboards, looking for something.

"What?"

"…we really need to talk. But let's get this cleaned up first." He places a clean wad of paper towel on my scrape, and then dabs hydrogen peroxide over it. I cringe in pain…it hurts even more. "It's okay." He reassures me, as he blows gently over my arm. It starts to feel better when he puts some Neosporin over it, and then lastly, a bandage.

"That should help it heal faster." He smiles, but then quickly frowns, "I don't understand why you do this…"

"Pain…" is all I can get out. I am choking on tears now, trying to hold back. Then…I hear footsteps. "Go…somewhere…" is all I can say before I grab a shirt, my sunglasses, and jumped out of the window, throwing on my shirt and glasses. The funny thing is…I don't fly. I just dive right for the cement. I am actually starting to think the dying is right for me. I just want to end this pain permanently.

I close my eyes, and prepare for impact when I feel a tight grip on my shoulders and I realize that Beastboy has turned into a pterodactyl and is flying us over to a large cliff, where the cave with Terra's statue is. This must be his sanctuary, like my building is to me.

He gently sets me down and turns back into a human. "What were you doing back there?" he gently asks me, there's so much worry in his face.

"Nothing…" I say as I stand there. I have a very convincing face on. I try not to care…back to the good old days when I felt no emotion, when I didn't care about anything.

"Raven, please." He whimpers again, "it isn't nothing and you know it. You were trying to kill yourself. You were cutting, allowing you boyfriend to abuse you, and cause you emotional pain, then you tried to commit suicide. Raven…" his voice is soft, almost pleading. The tears are once again threatening. I try to hold them back, but it's no use. They are streaming out. I can't feel my legs, they buckle and then bend. My knees hit the ground hard and I just collapse, letting the tears come. Now Beastboy does something that Daniel hasn't done for me in seven months now.

Beastboy comes over to me and wraps his arms around my shoulders. He holds me tight, letting me cry all over his shirt. I relax, crying there… "That's not all I've done…"

"What do you mean, Raven?"

"I've given it away…last night…it's gone…"

"Huh?" he's confused now, and he's looking me in the eyes. I try to look at him back, but when our eyes meet, I just bite my lip and start crying all over again. "Oh, no, Raven…your…your…" he's too embarrassed to say it. "Your virginity…you gave it up to him."

I just cry harder. It's all I can do. But you want to hear something weird. For the first time in my whole life, I feel like I'm safe. I taste blood and I stop biting. I feel like I have something. Not in a lustful way, but I have someone that loves me no matter what. "Beastboy." I say…sitting up straighter. "I want to talk to you. I want to stop…but I can't. Not now. I just need to rest."

He nods and picks me up, cradling me in his arms, and he sits at the edge of the wall, leaning against it. Then he sets me down next to him, and just holds my head, my upper body. Not my chest, but my shoulders and my head, and he just comforts me. Soon I find myself exhausted and I let my head fall into his lap. Like when we were back in the tower a year ago. Now he doesn't stop holding me. He lets one hand gently rub my back, while the other gently runs through my hair. His hand gently strokes my head until I'm fast asleep, and I can sense that he is too.

Yup, kind of a depressing chapter…but then, I think that if anyone in TT were to go through these type of struggles, like Teens do today, I defiantly DON'T think it would be Starfire, miss little unbridled joy of light! But I know some people are not going to like what I've done to Raven's character, so if you don't, please don't flame…just accept that she is going to heal in later chapters with help of friends…or stop reading. I wasn't going to have the cutting thing in here, but I think it shows even more how badly Raven is hurting…so you know, I'm personally not a cutter, or suicidal. I suffer from thoughts of suicide often, but I would never go through with it. And I have a friend who used to cut, and she went to rehab and is now back. She's doing better then ever, and I don't know if you really care, but I wanted you to know that the author of this story is not a cutter. If you are, please please get help, because, well, it's a terrible thing and you could die from it.

Wow…I read through every chapter two or three times before I post it…usually, when I'm not lazy, and I just realized…this chapter is REALLY sad…I wanted to cry! Okay, I'm done…I'll update asap