Chapter 9

It's been a whole week since I started living with the Titans again. It isn't as lonely as it was with Daniel, but then again, with Daniel, I wasn't being asked constantly how I was doing. Let me start with Monday. It's Friday by the way.

Monday: I guess when Beastboy said that I am really hurting, that just gave them all the right to try and invade my privacy. Monday was okay, but that's when it started.

"Raven?" a weak voice called from the door.

"What Star?"

"Do you wish to join me at the mall of shopping?"

"No."

"Well, would you like to join me in the painting of the toe nails and hands?"

"No."

"Well…" I closed the door. I was like this before I left, why do they keep trying to get me to come out! I walk to the bathroom, pulling out my razor.

Can't they just leave me alone? Just about two hours later, she was back asking me if I was SURE that I didn't want to shop…honestly, ME? Shopping?

Wednesday

Robin's turn today…he knocked. When I told him to fuck off, he just came in saying, "okay."

"I told you to fuck off…that don't mean come in!" I say.

"We're worried about you Raven."

"Haha, that's funny."

"Why?"

"Coming from you, I mean. You don't care about me."

"Yeah, I do, actually." Robin says, all sincere.

"Yeah right, get out of my room." I'm wearing my black leotard again, but with those pants that Dan bought me a while ago that I went back for. They are so cute, I couldn't leave them behind.

"Why do you always where long sleeves?" he asks me, "Aren't you warm? The air conditioner's broken and it's summer."

"I must be sick then, because I'm cold." I say. My scrapes on my face have almost healed, and my black eye is almost gone. Foundation can cover that up, but no amount of foundation could cover up the scars on my arms, the new ones and the old ones.

"I think you are sick. You should come to the hospital wing."

"No…I can heal myself."

"Then why don't you and then get out there to watch a movie with us?"

"No."

"Oh, come on, Rae, please?"

"I agreed to come back here, isn't that enough!"

"You didn't want to come back?"

"No, Beastboy talked me into it. Now FUCK OFF or I'll send you to another dimension, and that is not an empty threat, I don't like you, and I will hurt you."

"Fine, I just want you to know I'm worried."

"Yeah right. Just like you were so caring when I was being framed."

"You didn't give me a chance."

"You know I don't like too much attention, and I HATE being put on the spot!" I can feel the rage growing inside me, but I don't stop, "Get out!"

"No, Raven, Please calm dawn."

"NO! I will not calm down. You are obsessed with anyone who seems to commit a crime, even when you don't even give me the chance to prove my innocence. And even when I do, you still are suspicious!"

"Raven, I'm…" he cant say it…poor boy…not

"Raven, I'm WHAT!" I'm yelling on the top of my lungs now.

"Raven?" Beastboy is standing now in the door, along with Cyborg and Starfire watching me.

"What!"

"What's going on, Raven?" Beastboy asked.

"He won't get out! If he wants to talk to me, he can apologize or get out!" I scream, the wind is blowing in and around my hair, I can feel my body grow hot, and black fire is rising from my veins.

"Robin, get out." Beastboy says.

"No! I want to talk to Raven."

"Another time, man, give her space or apologize." Cyborg says.

"Why should I? I've given her space for a year now!" Robin says, "DO you honestly think I didn't know where you were?"

"If you knew where I was, then you would've come and arrested me or at least killed me. Get out! You are a liar and you won't admit you were WRONG!" Why won't he leave?

"Raven…" His voice is calm.

"Robin..." Starfire says in a gentle, sweet and sugary voice, "Please, let's go, the corn of pop is cooling off." Her arm is around his and she's gently pulling on him.

"Okay…" he leaves, Starfire has so much power over him.

Cyborg follows them out, leaving me in peace. I feel very weak now, and like I'm about to cry. He doesn't know why I've been through; I can't believe he can be so nosy. He has NO right to be that rude!

I feel faint, I see Beastboy walking to me, holding out his arms. The black anger flows back into my veins, and my eyes close, everything spins…Beastboy catches me…everything goes black…

Everything went black, the next thing I knew, I was in my bed, with Beastboy once again at my side. He already had the fresh scars on my arms bandaged and tended too. He is such a great guy…still, I have this little ache, like I'm missing something…I think I might miss Daniel.

"Hey, how are you?" he asks me.

"Better, thanks. Sorry I got so upset." I say.

"I don't think it's me who deserves the apology, I think you and Robin have some talking to do. But do it whenever you are ready. I've already told him to wait till you come to him. You have to talk to him when you are ready to admit that you have a problem. I already know you've been cutting again, Rae. We're all worried, but we can't stop you, only you can fight it. We are all willing to help, but you first have to admit your problem to the team."

"You won't tell him then?"

"No, I won't, that's your thing to tell. Just like in Alcoholics Anonymous, the first step is admitting you have a problem. It's up to you to admit it to everyone."

"How do you know about AA steps?"

"One pair of foster parents went through it till they were charged as abusive alcoholics and I was sent to another family."

"I'm sorry, Beastboy."

"It's okay, Raven. I love you, and I don't know how many times I have to say it, but I'll say it a thousand times until you get it that I would do anything for you."

"I believe you, Beastboy…I just…can't date you…not now…." I say…we haven't been dating, shocking, right? But really, I can't date anyone now.

"You need to heal. But that doesn't mean I'm not here for you."

"Thanks."

"Sleep."

"Go watch the movie, BB, don't stay here, just for me."

"But-."

"Beastboy…just go, I need time to think."

"Okay, Rae." He bends over and gives me a kiss on my forehead. I like him, I really do, but last time I thought I loved someone, he abused me. What if Beastboy turns out that way too? I don't know.

I hear the door close, and I immediately stand up. My feet touch the cold floor as I walk slowly to the bathroom, pulling off all of my clothes and turning on the shower. I step in, letting the warm water fall on my back. I look at my arm, stripes of red are running down the entire arm. Pretty soon, I'll have to move to my right arm…I hope I can cut with my other hand. I don't know what I'll do if I can't cut anymore, maybe go to my legs, but really, I don't want to. I really don't want scrapes on my legs, especially if I go back to fighting, then everyone will see with my leotard.

I wash my hair and body, and then let the water wash all the soap off my body. I run my fingers down my arm, tracing the scars and scrapes. There is a story to each of them, non of them happy stories. All of them sad and depressing.

I turn off the water and step slowly out of the shower, pulling the towel around my body. I flip my hair over and wrap the towel around my wet hair, and pull on a black robe. I turn on the water to the sink, and pull out the razor. I can't help it, I just need some relief. I look at the empty space on my arm, calling out to the razor, waiting to be cut.

I hear a high voice outside of my bathroom, coming from the door. "Raven?" Starfire asks. "Are you in there? I wish to speak to you…"

I don't answer for a second, I'm frantically throwing my razor into the drawer and I momentarily forget to put the gauze over my cut so the blood doesn't get onto my sleeve.

"Raven?" she asks again, her voice is closer. I close the drawer roll down my sleeve. She opens the door. "Raven! You are all right!" she smiled, then her smile disappears for only a moment when she glances at my left arm. I look down too, noticing some red on my robe. Shit…she sees the blood. But she doesn't say anything, just smiles, and walks out… "I'm very glad you are all right. I was worried. If you wish, it would be delightful if you were to come watch the horror movie with us."

"I think I might come tonight."

"Really!" now I haven't been really talking to anyone except Beastboy so this must be a huge surprise.

"Yeah, sure…"

"Wonderful!" she jumps in the air, floating out, "It should start in about a half an hour."

"See you there, Star. Thanks." I say, smiling, as if nothing's wrong.

Shit shit shit…

I walk slowly back to the drawer, pulling out the same razor, making another cut. The pain slowly goes away as I watch the blood ooze out of the deep slit I made in my skin. I hope it wasn't too deep, but it should be fine. I put a gauze over both cuts and then a larger bandage. I throw on a long sleeve black shirt and some jeans. The sleeves of my shirt are looser so the outline of my bandage doesn't show. I slip on some slippers, brushing my hair, then walk out into the main room. But right before I enter, I hear whispers. I put my ear up to the wall again.

"I'm worried for her, Robin?" that's Starfire all right.

"I promised Beastboy that I wouldn't pry."

"But can't you break it? Please?"

"No…" I can hear a sigh coming from Robin, "I wish she'd tell me what's going on. I know she's had a past, and I think she told me that, but I don't know about what happened with Daniel. Starfire, listen to me. I'm guessing that Daniel wasn't the guy that Raven thought he was. I'm guessing that Daniel hurt her, physically or emotionally. I don't know. All I know is that Raven's been in her room for the past week, and she hasn't come out except for food. She hates it here, but she isn't going back to Dan. For some reason, it's better here than it was with Daniel. She's either staying for Beastboy, and to be with him, or she's staying because with Daniel, she was hurt. We have to give her space, or she could go back, and be hurt more, okay, Starfire?"

"But I saw blood, and she has not been doing the fighting. I do not understand."

"Where was the blood."

"Her-."

"You know it's not polite to eavesdrop." Cyborg looks at me, smiling. "Decided to join us, Rae?"

"Yeah, just for a movie." I say.

"Great! So glad to have you join us!" he's really sincere right now…it's pretty nice. Ouch, my head is starting to throb. The room's spinning.

"I need to sit down, Cy." I say, walking into the room. I know I'm not walking in a strait line, although I'm trying too. My stomach feels sick, like I'm going to throw up. My head is spinning. I look at Robin and Starfire sitting there…or is that Starfire and Beastboy...? oh, I don't feel good. I reach for the couch before I collapse on the ground. "Raven?" I hear then nothing…everything goes black.

I open my eyes to see Cyborg, Starfire, Robin and Beastboy surrounding me. My shirt is off, and I'm in some sort of tube top. My arm is totally wrapped. I glare at Beastboy…he spilled the beans.

"It wasn't me." Was the first thing that came out of his mouth.

"Yeah, it wasn't." Robin said.

I sit up, "What happened?"

"That's what I wanted to ask you…" Cyborg said.

"Didn't Beastboy tell you!" I say, harshly.

"No, he didn't tell us anything." Starfire said.

"Raven, I promised I wouldn't say. I'm sticking to my word." Beastboy sounds hurt…too bad…

"Then what happened?" I repeat

"You fainted. I'm guessing the stress got to you. That with the blood loss, two very fresh cuts were on your arm, it overwhelmed your body and you fainted." Cyborg says.

"How did you find out?" I say, glancing at my arm. "You just took off my shirt?"

"No, your sleeves were loose. They came up some when you fell." Robin said.

"We all saw." Starfire added.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Cyborg asked.

"I really don't want to talk about it."

"When will you be? You have to talk about it sometime." Robin sounds irritated, yet sincere.

"Later. I'm just tired." I say, sinking down back into the sheets.

"Guys, please, leave her alone." Beastboy says.

"But I wish to know why? Why would someone intentionally cut themselves? Why would someone want to bring harm to themselves? Couldn't she have died? Why would someone want to do that? Robin…why? I once hurt myself, falling into a large Zarbka bush, I think the equivalent to a rose bush here. I received many cuts on my arms legs and buttocks. It hurt a lot. Why would someone do that intentionally?" can you guess that's Starfire… she's still so naïve.

"I'll explain it when we go outside." Robin has to put up with a lot…

"Okay…" she says, leading the way for Cyborg, Robin and Beastboy to leave.

I close my eyes and fall asleep…………………………………………………

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