I'm walking down a deserted street that I don't quite recognize. There's something vaguely familiar about it that makes me think I've been here before. It's dusk and the air feels thick and humid, weighing down on me and making every step an effort. I'm not entirely sure what my destination is but I definitely have one. Even though my pace is slow, there seems to be intent about my direction. I notice that the ocean lies on my left and there's something about that which makes me feel uneasy. I'm pretty sure it's not meant to be there.
After a short time I come to a building that looks like an apartment block, quite grand and old fashioned. I've never been inside, but it seems apparent that this is where I have been heading all along. I want to go in and see what it's like, but my feet are suddenly aching and my shoes feel tight. I bend down and unlace them, leaving them on a low brick wall, which borders the sidewalk. I look about to make sure they'll be okay, there are people out walking now, strolling aimlessly. I am the only one on my own. But it's okay. There's someone waiting for me inside that apartment block. I think maybe it's her, and the mere thought is enough to speed up my heart rate.
But as I look down again my shoes have disappeared. The shock overtakes my excitement and I start looking about wildly. The crowds seemed to have thickened, couples walking everywhere and shoes line the wall intermittently, all neatly paired, none of them mine.
My heart is thundering away now as panic has taken over. The realization that there is a thief in my midst. I head down to the shore where it's less crowded, but they're easy to spot. Three of them, walking along nonchalantly, one sniggering away. He's the one, I know it and my blood starts to boil as the panic is quickly burned up by the anger now rising within me.
I head over to them briskly before they have a chance to escape. I notice that they're only teenagers, the one with the laugh and the bag looks no more than a kid. There's an older one, who looks weary and unamused and another, whose face I can't make out.
"Give me back my shoes!" I demand with all the venom I can muster.
The youngest looks around and grins at me, knowingly.
"Give 'em back!" I try again in desperation and the oldest seems to take notice of this.
"Come on man, give 'em back to her," he says to the other. I'm not sure if they're brothers, they look like they could be.
I feel powerless now, but silently thankful to the older for his influence.
The younger relents, taking the bag from his shoulder and bending down he opens it.
"Are these yours?" he asks with a smirk, pulling out a pair of flip-flops.
"No," I say, surprised, as I was certain it was him that stole them. But he proceeds to pull out more and more pairs, asking if they're mine. Every time I'm surprised that there's still room for another pair to be in that small bag, but every time the disappointment cuts me further. There's no sneakers, like the ones I had been wearing, only pumps, boots and flip-flops.
The three get bored and leave me to it and I empty the bag on the ground, a knot of nausea rising from my stomach. They're not there. Another girl comes up and finds her pair with a flicker of relief before disappearing. But mine are totally gone. The last thing I remember is the feeling of regret at having taken them off in the first place. Looking back, it hadn't seemed necessary. And now they were lost forever…
"Aaaalex," she sings my name with affection, tucking my hair behind my ear as I try and focus on her.
The room comes into view, but nothing makes sense. I'm not in Canada anymore, but Paige is with me…
"Hun, you will not sleep tonight if I let you sleep any longer," she whispers gently.
And with that I'm back in New York, with my girlfriend, having just rolled in that morning.
"Mmm," I manage to curl an arm around her and pull her towards me. "Well, what makes you think I was planning on sleeping tonight?"
She laughs at this, she knows me too well. But she lets the implication remain, which gives me some hope.
"Sorry," I begin again wiping the sleep from my eyes. "Didn't me to just flake out on you as soon as we got here."
"You're forgiven. You didn't sleep on the bus."
"Uh huh. What time is it?"
"About two o'clock."
"Jesus! Really?" I hadn't meant to have slept that long. I hate it when that happens, you feel like the day's been robbed from you.
"Aw, I'm really sorry baby," I repeat as I start to sit up on the bed.
"Don't worry," she assures me, kissing my forehead. "I've been busy planning all the things I want to do."
"Really?" I yawn, unsurprised at this preparation. Only the night before she had refuted her planning ways, expressing her intention to be more impulsive. That lasted long.
"Man, I had this crazy-assed dream," I tell her as I start to get up and admire the suitcase which appears to have been unpacked and its contents neatly arranged into piles on my floor.
"Yeah?" she's disappearing now and for an infinitesimal moment my heart lurches at the thought she won't return. But I can hear her making coffee in the kitchen so it's okay.
"Yeah," I call out, "about shoes…" I'm racking my brains now trying to remember the dream that just seconds ago had seemed so indelible on my mind. It's fading now with every passing moment, leaving me with its impression rather than anything tangible. I scratch my head in confusion as Paige re-enters with mugs of coffee for us both.
She perches on the end of the bed and sips hers, looking at me expectantly.
There's something about the dream that won't go away. The details are now so sketchy, but the emotions I had in it, the panic and anxiety, the sudden sickness, feel like I had just experienced them for real.
"What about shoes?" she asks absently.
"What? Oh, I can't really remember. I was looking for some, I think."
"Ooh, does this mean you're going to start taking an interest in your wardrobe?" There is more than a hint of excitement in her voice.
"Yes dear. That's exactly what it means. All those hours of brainwashing me while I'm asleep have finally paid off."
"Ha ha," she replies, with equal sarcasm. Bu then adds somewhat coyly, "But now that we're talking about looking for shoes…I was wondering…"
I so know what's coming. New York City. Fashionatas. Paige. Life has never seemed more predictable.
"How far are we from Madison Avenue?" she's walking her fingers up my thigh as she says this. As if I'm dumb enough to fall for her sex ploys.
"So that's where you want to go is it?" I ask as she wraps her arms around my neck.
"Mm-hmm," she concedes before sealing it with a kiss. "That's where I wanna start."
"You don't even want me to show you the sights first?" I inquire, trying to determine in my own head which is the lesser of the two evils.
"There's plenty of time for all of it," she reminds me.
That thought is enough to quell any apprehension that had been bubbling at the back of my mind. We do have time. She's here now and not going anywhere. Well, not unless Jaime turns into the antichrist and kicks her out, but I'll make sure that doesn't happen. So this is it, life together, starting out.
"What do you think of the apartment then?" I ask, suddenly eager to gauge her impression of our new home.
"It's, well it's cosy," she replies with hesitancy.
"You mean small."
"Well, yeah."
"I know. It is. I warned you though."
"You could do with some more closet space," she says, indicating her stuff on the floor.
"Look, I'll sort it out, okay. I can make more room in the closet and, oh we can go pick up one of those clothes rails," I get to my feet with this thought, the idea of buying stuff together for both of us seeming suddenly, dare I say it, exciting.
Paige looks at me amused. "Are you actually willingly now suggesting we go shopping? Because, y'know, I'm saving this mental image for a more appropriate time when I can use it against you."
"Come here," I grab her wrists and pull her up to her feet. We have a nice long toothpastey kiss.
"Very nice," I praise her Colgate attention for which I get my ass slapped. I laugh. "Do you want to go then?"
"Yes. Let's go shop. God I have no money though!" She senses my apprehension at hearing this and quickly adds, "Only until my loan comes in. Don't worry. I will have money. And I meant what I said to your cousin. I will get a job."
I'm rummaging around for my keys, all the practicalities now flooding back and overwhelming me. Why can't we go back to thinking about clothing racks and sex all night?
"But your loan, I mean, if you don't go back to university next semester, can you still get one?"
"Yeah, well, I mean I am planning on transferring this year if I can, so…" she trails off, evidently also not liking this little dose of reality that has cropped up between us.
At last I locate my keys, right next to the damn bed all along-why am I always looking in the wrong places? I don't want to think about all of this right now, but once started the effect seems to be snowballing.
"My internship is gonna be up soon," I declare, almost thinking aloud. She nods. "I don't know what's going to happen after. I mean, before, I was told that sometimes jobs become available in the department that they recruit internally for."
All this June had told me. June, my supervisor, my fling or affair or whatever it was to be called. I had never managed to quite put my finger on what we were. Of course all that now would pretty much just be trouble. Another little practicality that I'd have to work out somehow…
"Well, do you think there could be something coming up you could go for?" She's gone into organized Paige mode again, thinking ahead, planning my pay cheque.
"I dunno," I try to sound dismissive, not wanting to get her hopes up, or mine. "I mean, generally they want the experience and the college education with it so…" June had told me she could put in a good word for me, told me she could see my potential. Of course, my hand was down her pants at the time, not sure if she'd have any good words for me now.
It's almost as if Paige can sense I'm thinking about her. "Look, let's not dwell on it now," she affirms taking my hand and leading me out the room. "We've got the rest of the weekend before we have to start getting real."
"The Real World - New York City," I can't help but say.
"Starring Paige and Alex. Now that would be a show worth watching." She pokes me to prompt my agreement.
"Alright alright, well how's about we go check out the neighbourhood first. There's a deli round the corner and I'm starving. Then, if you're very good," she clasps her hands together and flutters her eyelashes at this, "We can head on over to Madison. Ogle all the stuff you can't afford to buy."
"Yey!" she exclaims in unconcealed delight as we make to head out.
But as we leave the apartment the remnants of my dream start to resurface. Only faintly, but enough for me to have to make a conscious effort to focus on what it is I'm about to do. And yet despite this, I can't shake the feeling that I'm closing the door on something I won't be able to get back.