I feel like I have to take a moment to compose myself before I turn the key in the lock of my apartment door. I don't know why that should be, why my home is suddenly not my sanctuary. Somehow the journey home went by in a surreal haze, my brain felt like it was swimming around in my head, rather than being anchored to it. And now I would have to talk and respond and generally behave like a normal human being.
As luck would have it, the apartment is empty when I open the door. There's a message on the machine from Jaime saying he's at Diana's that evening, but there was cold pizza in the fridge. This both surprises me and makes me smile. He and Diana had been friends that had tried going on a couple dates before I left for Canada. Evidently that had blossomed into something more. She was wicked cool as well. A real no nonsense Mexican girl with a mouth to match Jaime's. They'd be good for each other, I thought.
I fling my jacket down on the couch and go to get a glass of water. New York summers are a bitch, the humidity is suffocating and the overly air-conditioned offices are worse. I change my mind and reach for one of Jaime's beers instead. He wouldn't mind, I reason. Well, he wouldn't miss it at any rate.
Paige decides to choose that moment to come swooping in, all rustling bags and flicked out hair. I like it when she does that with her hair, even if the application seems to take her the best part of a morning.
"Hey hun!" she greets me, her face beaming.
"Hey baby," I reply, sucking on my beer, crumpling into the folds of the couch.
She comes over and sits next to me, pulling the beer from my lips and replacing it with her own.
"Why are you drinking now?" she says with a frown after pulling away.
"I dunno, I just felt like it," I reply honestly.
"How was your first day back?" she asks.
"Yeah, okay." I don't want to go into any detail. But luckily she is easily distracted. "How was yours?"
"Well," she begins with a dramatic pause, "I think, perhaps, it topped okay. I went to check out the Baruch campus, and oh my God, was I impressed."
I continue to sip my beer and listen as she waxes lyrical about faculties and courses and alumini and various other buzz words that I had a similar experience in enduring the year before, when Paige was all abut Banting.
"So you liked it then?" I conclude for her when she eventually stops to draw breath.
"I did," she affirms, getting up and taking her shopping off the table. "And I have an interview with the admissions office next week. I spoke to a very clued up woman, really nice, in their Department of Managemen,t and she reckons I could transfer onto their entrepreneurship and small business management program."
I'm taken aback by just how quickly things are moving for Paige. For us. I guess I'm not that good at hiding my surprise either. "What? Just like that they'll have you?"
Paige looks slightly wounded at my lack of tact. It briefly seems to take the wind out of her sails. "Not, just like that," she responds in an offended tone. "I still have to go for an interview, and apply properly. And get my course tutor to write a letter of referral. But none of that should be a problem."
She moves the bags onto the floor and turns her attention back to me. "Y'know, I was at Canada's top university, hun. Some people consider that quite an achievement."
I can hear her voice tainted with disappointment and it's enough to re-ignite the flicker of guilt from earlier that evening, in a boardroom on 1745 Broadway.
I rest my beer on the floor. "I'm sorry baby, your right, that's great news. Come here."
And she comes to me then, sitting on my knee and putting her arms around my neck and we make out for a bit to avoid any further tension.
"Did your day not go so well?" she asks, scraping my hair back off my face.
"I'm just tired," I tell her, realizing the truth in my words as I speak them.
"Where's Jaime tonight? I got dinner in." She nods, indicating the bags on the floor.
"Paige," I can't help but smile at this. "God, that was only a joke about you cooking for us. It's not a big deal, no one expects you to."
"I know," she says, resting her head on my shoulder, "I just feel like I should be doing something to contribute, and I honestly don't mind."
Her thoughtfulness is something that was always well hidden to those that only knew Paige as the head cheerleader with the snappy putdowns. But I knew how giving she could be, and how she wasn't always as self-assured as she seemed. It was something we had in common. But still, her whole adaptability to this New York venture has taken me by surprise. I seem to be the one struggling with it and nothing's really changed for me.
Well, nothing…everything.
"How long can you hold out for dinner?" she says, sliding off my lap and making me feel instantly cold.
I half-sigh, half yawn which prompts her to laugh.
"You think you're gonna be able to stay awake?" She's unpacking her bags now and I notice her take the leftover pizza from the fridge and throw it away. There goes my breakfast, I think.
"So, what did your co-workers have to say about your return?" she asks this with her back to me, busying herself with the meal. But my mind instantly thinks of…her.
"I've missed you."
"Alex?"
"Huh?"
Paige is standing before me now with an unreadable expression on her face. It makes me feel beyond uncomfortable, knowing how perceptive she can be. She had known about my affair with June before I had even told her. When we were still at Degrassi she had known that I was in love with her before I ever said the words. Maybe she couldn't read my mind, but there was something about my emotions that she always seemed to pick up on, often before I did. It made me squirm internally. I hadn't done anything this afternoon. I wasn't going to do anything with her again either. So there was no reason to be feeling guilty…was there?
"You know," I say, taking her hand, "I do think I need an early night."
That night I make love to her urgently. Whatever was building up inside of me was insatiable and all consuming and I felt powerless to stop it.
Eventually she gets hold of my shoulder hard enough to direct my attention.
"Hey, Alex. Alex!"
My breathing is ragged and I can almost hear my heart hammering in my ears.
"What's gotten into you?" she asks, breathless herself, voice tinged with concern.
"Huh? Nothing," I lean back down and start kissing her neck put she pushes me off her again.
She stares up at me, her eyes glinting in the darkness, questioning.
"I love you so much…" is all I can muster.
"Alex," her voice is soft, her tone forgiving. She trails her finger down the side of my face and the gesture sends a visible shiver down my body.
"Alex, you're shaking," she whispers to me, before pulling me down into her embrace.
She untangles the sheet with one hand and pulls it around us. I try not to think of anything as she strokes my hair, rubs my back rhythmically, kisses my forehead. I try so hard not to think at all, to just drift off, away from everything…
When I wake up, it's several hours later. Dawn is creeping through the blinds. Paige is asleep on her side, snoring ever so slightly. I quietly make my way into the kitchen; fill a glass over the sink. Then I go to the bathroom and stare at my reflection in the mirror for a good ten minutes. It stares back, unblinking, betraying nothing. Finally, I lift up the toilet seat and bend my head over, a small trickle of bile drips into the bowl.
oooOOOooo
Two days later June comes to find me at work.
"I can spare an hour for lunch. Meet me 12.30, that little bistro on 56th street, okay?"
It's not really a question. I am to be there.
We meet up outside and she does the usual once over roaming eye to check that there's no one she knows inside. We sit down and order.
"So," she says at last, when the waiter's gone and she's got a white wine spritza in her hand, "Have you thought anymore about my offer?"
I know what I have to do, but there is more than a little trepidation as I begin. "Yeah, I have."
"And?" she's smiling her confidant, winning smile. The no-one-turns-me-down smile.
"Why are you offering me this job June? I mean, I don't have a degree, I don't have amazing high school grades. Why?"
She seems completely unruffled by my chosen tact, "Because Alex, what you do have cannot be gained via any college education."
Her eyes seem to be sparkling with amusement as she says this. I'm unsure as to whether she's making fun of me or coming on to me.
"And was it that?"
"Unlimited potential," she raises her glass and sips before setting it down and adding, "and a good deal of charm."
I snort at this.
"What's wrong?" she asks, her face suddenly becoming more serious.
"I don't want to get a job because I have…'charm'."
"Alex," she leans forward and lowers her voice as she addresses me, "Call it charm, call it good interpersonal skills, whatever. It goes a long way in this business. Don't be so naïve."
"Yeah well, I call it fucking my boss. And I think your husband would call it infidelity."
For a moment she looks torn between slapping me in the face and bursting into tears. It's a bizarre conflict of emotions that plays out visibly on her normally totally controlled composure.
"What is this about Alex? I suggest you apply for a position which you have demonstrated you have the ability to do and now you want to throw this at me?"
"I want to get a job based on my ability to do the job and nothing else."
"Obviously. And that was why I proposed it. But if this is how you choose to react, going off the handle like this…" her tone is dangerously sharp now, without it having increased in volume any. She looks directly at me, her stare deadly and unflinching. It makes me feel slightly shamed.
"I'm sorry. I didn't word that well. I just…needed to be sure. You see, a lot of things have changed for me…"
The tight lines around her mouth begin to fade as I say this, but her blue eyes still retain their icy gloss. "Your mother," she states.
"Yeah…and…other things…" I drift off.
"That girl from your high school. When I called you in Toronto and she was there. You fucked her didn't you?"
She launches the accusation like an interrogation, emotionless, seeking only the facts. It's enough to disarm me completely. I suddenly feel embarrassed and ashamed for ever trying to hide the truth from her. From this, my own secret, my own deception. Why would she care? What right would she have to care? Pride? Vanity?
"Yeah. Yeah I did." I can't return her gaze, but after a brief pause I hear her give a faint laugh, which causes me to look-up.
"Alex, it's not that tragic. I was screwing you, you screw someone else. It's the way of the world. It's human nature. So don't look so morose."
"It's just, the job. Should I still apply?"
"Of course," she smiles and takes a large gulp from her glass. "Besides, all good things must come to an end."