Chapter 9

That evening, after dinner, Elizabeth saw Mr. Darcy approach Mr. Clifton, and soon the two gentlemen were talking earnestly. Mr. Darcy did most of the talking as Mr. Clifton listened with a serious expression on his face. When their conversation had ended, Mr. Clifton nodded briefly, and the two shook hands.

How much easier it was, Elizabeth thought, for two gentlemen to mend their fences than it was for a lady and a gentleman! A few words of apology, a handshake, and all was forgiven. Mr. Darcy looked at Elizabeth as though he wished to speak to her, but then her mother approached to inquire as to what Elizabeth planned to wear to the christening on the following day, and the opportunity was lost. He dared not ask to see her alone, as he felt certain she would refuse. On the last occasion they were alone, he had forced himself upon her, and he doubted she was ready to trust him.

Realizing that a private conversation was all but impossible, Darcy sat and pretended to read a book. Georgiana, taking pity on him, sat next to him and attempted to cheer him by speaking quietly to him of the next day's events.

"Brother, do not forget, tomorrow you will be standing next to Miss Bennet as the baby is being christened. I am certain you will have occasion to speak to her privately at some time during the day. Please, Fitzwilliam, do not abandon hope! What happened between the two of you to cause such a rift?"

"I cannot speak of it, Georgiana, as it will lower your opinion of me considerably. Suffice to say that what happened between us was totally and utterly my fault. It seems that whenever I see the woman I love, I do and say things for which I must beg forgiveness. How much forgiveness can one man ask?"

"As much as is necessary! I believe that being in love has caused you to behave irrationally at times, Fitzwilliam, and perhaps in some ways that is a good thing. You have allowed yourself to be ruled entirely by reason in the past, and now, perhaps, your emotions are overwhelming. Just tell her the depth of your feeling!"

"I tried, and I failed, miserably."

"So try again! If not tonight, then tomorrow."

"Nothing will change by tomorrow, Georgiana."

"Might I speak to her, Fitzwilliam? It will be easier for me, as a woman..."

"Absolutely not! What kind of man would she think me, allowing a sister of 17 to act as an emissary?"

Georgiana sighed. Her brother's stubborness was frustrating, indeed. She noticed Elizabeth looking towards them and she called out to her.

"Miss Elizabeth! My brother and I are discussing tomorrow's christening service, does it begin at 1 or 2 o'clock?"

"1 o'clock, Miss Darcy."

"I do hope the weather improves. It would be a shame if it were as wet and dreary as it is today, would it not, Fitzwilliam?"

"Yes," he said, and he looked at Elizabeth so plaintively that she acted just as Georgiana had hoped she would, and moved towards them, seating herself next to Georgiana.

"Will you excuse me, while I get some coffee?" Georgiana quickly asked. Darcy stared at her as she left. Georgiana, he knew full well, did not drink coffee!

"My sister believes we should be speaking, Miss Bennet."

Elizabeth merely nodded.

"Miss Bennet, I must beg your forgiveness for my behaviour yesterday. I have already made my apologies to Mr. Clifton, and he was most gracious."

"My own behaviour was hardly irreproachable, Mr. Darcy. I should not have struck you."

"I deserved that, and worse, Miss Bennet."

"Mr. Darcy, I suppose now is as good a time as any to speak of the events of last year. I owe you a debt of gratitude, sir. By your frank disclosures regarding Mr. Wickham, you may have saved my younger sister from heartbreak and disgrace. And I know full well how much Jane and Charles owe their happiness to you."

"I was only undoing the previous wrong I had done them, Miss Bennet, that is all. I deserve no thanks for that."

Having said what was required, they each regarded the other warily.

"Eliza Bennet! What do you mean by monopolizing Mr. Darcy so shamelessly?" It was Caroline Bingley, peeved that Mr. Clifton's attentions to her were going unnoticed by Mr. Darcy. Georgiana, talking to Jane and Charles, found it difficult to conceal her dislike for Miss Bingley, whose efforts to separate her brother from Elizabeth were transparent, indeed.

"Come here, Mr. Clifton!" Caroline said. "I am sure Mr. Darcy would be pleased to tell us of his travels on the Continent."
Mr. Clifton immediately joined the little group, and Caroline simpered and flirted with him, as Darcy ignored her. Georgiana caught her brother's eye from across the room and smiled. Darcy shook his head almost imperceptibly, then raised his eyebrows, but he felt it difficult to be annoyed with his sister when her simple tactics had succeeded in causing Elizabeth Bennet to speak to him again, however briefly.

As it happened, Mr. Darcy was not at all pleased with the prospect of speaking with anyone but Elizabeth Bennet, but it seemed that on Miss Bennet's part, at least, their conversation had reached its logical end. She did not seem disturbed at the prospect of being joined by the others. Having fulfilled what she saw as her obligation to thank him for his actions of last year, perhaps she was relieved, he thought, that she had no further need to talk to him alone.

He had had just a few moments' conversation with Elizabeth Bennet, but at least they were speaking again.

Mr. Clifton prepared to leave for the evening. He bid Miss Bingley and the rest of the party good night, but then he turned to Elizabeth.

"Might I have a word with you, Miss Bennet, before I depart?" he asked.

Elizabeth looked at him quizzically. Surely the man did not intend...?

"Fear not, Miss Bennet," he whispered. "I have no intention of pressing you on that matter we discussed yesterday."

Elizabeth was intrigued as to what Mr. Clifton wanted to discuss with her, and she accompanied him to the door. Mr. Darcy's eyes followed them as they left the room.

"I cannot imagine what you wish to discuss with me, Mr. Clifton, and I am certain you have awakened the curiosity of others in the party as well," she said.

She did not add that Miss Bingley had looked at her with eyes like daggers when Mr. Clifton made his request! Not so much because she feared the loss of Mr. Clifton's regard, but because she had seen how Elizabeth's leaving with Mr. Clifton affected Mr. Darcy!

"Perhaps it is none of my concern, Miss Bennet, but I truly like you and wish to see you happily situated. I regret that the two of us could not come to some understanding, but, upon further contemplation, perhaps that was for the best.

"Miss Bennet, no one understands better than I how painful it is to long for something unattainable, which is perhaps why I have much sympathy for your gentleman friend. Mr. Darcy, as I am sure you noted earlier, came to me to apologize for his behaviour of yesterday. It is quite surprising that he should have acted in such an intemperate manner, as he seems to be a gentleman of dignity and great reserve. I believe he surprised even himself with his actions.
"What I am trying to say, and perhaps I am out of order in doing so, is that a man like Mr. Darcy would conduct himself in a manner so out of character for him only as a result of the strongest and most passionate of attachments. The kind of passion that, perhaps, would make for a happier marriage than you would have had with someone like myself. I believe a marriage of companionship and friendship would not be sufficient for you, Miss Bennet."

Elizabeth smiled at him kindly. The man was more perceptive than she had thought.

"But perhaps it would be sufficient for you, Mr. Clifton?"

He nodded, realizing she was referring to his courtship of Caroline Bingley.

"Yes, Miss Bennet, and if it suits the lady in question as well, it would be a happy situation for all concerned."

"I thank you for your concern on Mr. Darcy's behalf, Mr. Clifton," she said with a cheeky grin.

"I am just trying to be helpful to a friend, Miss Bennet! Good night," he said, and he took his leave.

Darcy had not sat down the entire time Miss Bennet was absent from the room. The five minutes she had been gone were interminable for him, and when she finally returned, cheerful and composed, he was noticeably relieved.

They had no opportunity to speak for the remainder of the evening, but Darcy was cautiously optimistic. Things had improved slightly since yesterday, he consoled himself. Last evening at this time, she would not even look at him, let alone speak to him.

Tomorrow, because of the christening, he would be partnered with her for most of the day. He hoped and prayed he could take advantage of this rare opportunity so that he might soon be partnered with her for the rest of his life.

His letter had disappeared, and with it, his script for what he had wished to express to Miss Bennet. He grimaced at the thought that it lay somewhere undetected, either at his London house or somewhere along the road to Pemberley, and that anyone who came upon it would have access to his most intimate thoughts.

He had written those words in a frenzy of passion and desire, and hoped he could find the words tomorrow to ease his way into Elizabeth's heart. He would weigh his words carefully and hope she would be willing to listen.

"Good night, Miss Bennet," he said formally as the party prepared to retire for the evening.

How cautious he seems now, Elizabeth thought with some disappointment. What is wrong with me? When he kissed me and demanded I marry him, I slapped him, and now I am disappointed with his gentlemanlike behaviour!
Mr. Darcy, had he been a mindreader, would have happily reverted to his uninhibited behaviour of the previous day, but as he had no such telepathic powers, he contented himself with one last glimpse of his beloved before he ascended the stairs to his bedchamber.

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Jane was determined to have a word with her sister that night, no matter how unwilling Elizabeth might be. She knocked on Lizzy's bedroom door as she prepared for bed.

"Lizzy, you have been secretive for far too long!"

"Jane, I cannot..."

"Lizzy, listen to me. Just two days ago, I was convinced you were pining for Mr. Darcy. The two of you seemed to be getting along so well! I realize Mr. Clifton's attentions might have caused Mr. Darcy some consternation. Lizzy, when you went walking with him, poor Mr. Darcy stood at the window watching the two of you as though...Lizzy, he looked so much like a sad little boy, my heart nearly broke for him! He went after you, did he not?"

"Yes, he did, Jane."

"And something occurred which made you exceedingly angry with him, will you admit that much?"

"Yes."

"Concerning Mr. Clifton?"

"Yes, Jane. He came upon Mr. Clifton renewing his addresses."

"He renewed his addresses? After only one day?"

"Yes, it is absurd, is it not?"

"Oh, dear. How did Mr. Darcy react?"

"Oh, not very well, Jane! I was very angry with him. He was entirely too forward with Mr. Clifton, and with me, as well."

"With you, Lizzy? Did he take advantage of you in any way?"

Elizabeth thought it best not to be too explicit.

"Let us just say he did not behave as decorously as he ought. But no, Jane, he did nothing to warrant Charles calling him out!"
"Lizzy, what is it that you truly want? Do you love Mr. Darcy?"

"I do not rightly know, Jane. It has been a very turbulent week, and if Mr. Darcy thought he loved me three days ago, I am not sure what he feels now."

"Thought he loved you? Not sure what he feels now? Elizabeth Bennet, you are a fool if you cannot see that man adores you. No, Lizzy, it is you who must search inside yourself and discover how you really feel."

"You are so wise, Jane. Well, at least we may rejoice that I finally seem to have rid myself of Mr. Clifton! By the looks of it, Caroline might well be Mrs. Clifton before summer is out!"

"Poor Mr. Clifton," Jane sighed.

Yes, indeed, Elizabeth thought. Poor Mr. Clifton, to be in love with as perfect a creature as my sister, and having to settle for the likes of Caroline Bingley!

Chapter 10

"Oh no, Lizzy," Jane scolded. "The sun might be shining today, but there is a chill in the air. You cannot go out without a cloak!"

She removed the garment in question from the coat rack and handed it to her sister, who had been prepared to leave for church wearing just her spencer.

"Yes, little Mama," Lizzy teased, as she put it on. It made Jane happy, and Caroline Bingley as well, Jane because of her concern for Lizzy's health, and Caroline because Elizabeth Bennet looked far too fetching in her new sky blue frock, a fact which had already been noted with appreciation by Mr. Darcy.

"You must button up your cloak for it to be effective, Eliza," Caroline said smoothly.

She did so, but it made her no less appealing to the gentleman in question. Elizabeth could have been wearing a monk's robe, and it would not have mattered one whit to Mr. Darcy. His eyes rarely left her, from the moment she came into the breakfast room, until she went upstairs to assist Jane in dressing the baby, and now, as they left for church. They bid each other a pleasant good morning, but further conversation felt awkward.

All those in the christening party sat in the first two pews of the church, Elizabeth and Darcy at either end of the first row. Mr. Darcy leaned forward slightly and turned his head so that he might see her face, and Elizabeth turned away, her eyes filling with sudden tears. What is wrong with me?

She reached into her pocket to find her handkerchief, but her hand closed around what felt like a folded piece of paper. She blinked back her tears and frowned, not remembering having placed any such article therein, and she withdrew what seemed to be a letter.

The letter was unsealed, and her name peeked out from the top of the folded page. She recognized the handwriting immediately as that of Mr. Darcy. She had read his letter of last year often enough that she would know that elegant script anywhere.

She unfolded the letter, slipped it within the pages of her prayer book and began to read.

"My dearest Elizabeth,"

"I address you thus because it is what you are and will always be to me. Mine. Dearest."

She snapped the book shut, fearful her face would betray her, but after a few moments, she felt compelled to open it again.

"... If only it were true, that the foolish things I said, expecting my words to woo you, were never said and I could begin anew. ..."

He had tried, had he not? To begin anew? Why had things gone so terribly wrong?

"You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you. Do you remember? If only you could obliterate from your memory the words that preceded these, dearest Elizabeth. Had you not heard those other cutting words first, would these have been more pleasing to you? What kind of man would preface a declaration of love with words that defile that love?..."

Of course I remember! I could never forget! When another man made his tepid declarations of affection, how could I not compare his words to those, no matter how inappropriate the words that preceded and followed them.

"This man emphatically would not, would he be so fortunate as to be given an opportunity to make his declarations again..."

Twice he has declared himself, once reluctantly, once whole-heartedly (albeit inappropriately), and twice I have rejected him. What man would be so foolish as to ask a third time?

"...Most everything in my life has come easily to me, except the one thing I desire most. I sense that I have only one chance, that if we do not come to some understanding, or the beginning of some kind of tentative friendship, we will part never to meet again..."

She closed the book again and thought about those last words. Just a few more hours remained to them, and then he would be gone, with matters unresolved. Oh yes, they might meet again, in the summer perhaps, but suddenly, that seemed far too long to wait. And that is why, she thought, in the manner of one coming into the light, that he acted as precipitously as he did. He thought it his final opportunity, before I might accept Mr. Clifton and be lost to him.

The smiling vicar summoned them to the baptismal font as Elizabeth hastily read the remainder of the letter.

"I love you, Elizabeth, more today than ever, even more because of the harsh words you spoke that I needed to hear. You made me see myself ... I cannot love another... I am lost without you...

"...Look at me when we hold that baby over the christening font, and you will know how much I wish it were our baby, yours and mine. It is unimaginable to me to face life without you..."

"Can you ever love me? You have stripped me of all pretensions. What I have, what I can give you, what I can do for your family, you knew all this and it was not good enough for you because the man who offered these things to you was not good enough. God bless you for making me know this, because if ever you do accept me, I will know I have been given the gift of your love."

She would have wept had she been alone. The proud Mr. Darcy, who once thought himself too good for her, now declared himself not good enough.

Jane whispered, "Lizzy, you seem in another world, it is time to christen little Charles."

"Oh, I am sorry Jane," Elizabeth replied, closing the prayer book and placing it on the seat of the pew, and getting to her feet to join the others.

Jane stared at her suspiciously. Why was Lizzy blushing so?

"Look at me when we hold that baby over the christening font, and you will know how much I wish it were our baby, yours and mine."

How can I look at him after reading those words? And in the house of the Lord?

Mr. Darcy watched Elizabeth as the baby was initiated into the rites of the Church. As he had predicted in his letter, he found himself imagining the two of them bringing their own offspring to the baptismal font, but it was not the physical act that would engender such an occurrence that he contemplated. (Lord only knows he had thought of that often enough, in private!)

It was the cleansing and rebirth that baptism signified that he thought of this afternoon. He did not think it overly dramatic to reflect that his love for Elizabeth had been a rebirth of sorts. He was a different man than he had been a year ago. A better man, he hoped.

Elizabeth finally dared to raise her eyes from the face of little Charles, squalling now as he was anointed, to Mr. Darcy's face. The slightest of smiles graced her lips.

How sweetly she smiles at me. What is she thinking? Does she, too, recognize this moment?

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A late luncheon was served at Netherfield following the christening ceremony. Jane smilingly accepted all compliments on Baby Charles's christening finery and his exemplary behaviour in church, and family and friends sat together in the dining hall until well after 3 o'clock.

Elizabeth was quieter than usual. She could think of nothing but Darcy's letter. For the first time, she realized the depth of his love for her. His natural reserve had prevented him from expressing himself adequately to her during the past few days, and when he had tried, he merely blurted out his feelings (I love you! Marry me!) and acted rashly, almost violently. How unfairly she had dismissed him, accusing him of motivations for his actions that were ignoble.

But when he expressed himself in writing, he laid his heart open to her and did not hesitate to admit his own shortcomings. He still loved her. His love had survived their disastrous encounter at Rosings and a year's separation. Not only had it survived, it had matured, because Darcy now saw not only the object of his affection, he saw himself. Perhaps it was time for Elizabeth to see herself as well.

Now she realized Darcy was of a temperament that complemented hers perfectly. It was why, from the very beginning, she had felt something between them, something that might have sometimes angered her, but something she could never ignore.

I love him, Elizabeth realized. She had come late to this realization, but was it too late? His love had survived much, but she feared it might not have survived her words and actions of the past two days.

She tried to talk to him throughout the afternoon, but they were surrounded by others, and frank conversation was impossible. He looked so dreadfully unhappy, and her heart ached because she knew she was the source of his despair. She had smiled at him in church, and for a moment something had flickered in his eyes, but there, they had been unobserved, while now Miss Bingley was watching their every interaction.

Georgiana cast a worried eye on her brother. He and Miss Bennet had been speaking, but in a very guarded manner, all afternoon. Could he not see, as she did, that Miss Bennet was in love with him?

Just when she thought it would be entirely up to her to engineer a private meeting for the lovesick pair, Mr. Clifton inadvertently came to her assistance.

"Miss Bingley, as the weather is fine, would you care to take a turn around the park?" Mr. Clifton asked.

Caroline's eyes darted towards Mr. Darcy. Did she detect a spark of interest there?

"That would be lovely, Mr. Clifton," she responded.

"Miss Elizabeth and I shall join you!" Georgiana said. I know how much you have been longing to be out of doors, Miss Elizabeth! Miss Kitty? Miss Lydia? Would you care to come along?"

Lydia agreed, while Kitty declined, as she was occupied with amusing the baby.

Mr. Clifton and Caroline had already left the room and were putting on their coats, when Georgiana addressed Darcy.

"Brother, will you not join us as well? Come, the exercise will be beneficial, we have been sitting indoors far too long."

When the four of them got outside, Mr. Clifton and Miss Bingley were already well ahead of them in the lane. They walked for some time, until Georgiana exclaimed, "Miss Lydia, will you not show me the lane that leads to Meryton? I have heard you all speak of it so often."

"It is a long distance, Miss Georgiana!"

"Oh we need not walk all the way into town. Please?"

Lydia was won over by Georgiana's enthusiasm. Darcy, well aware that Georgiana had never expressed such a penchant for long walks in the past, could have kissed her.

"Well, I suppose we might," Lydia said. "Will you and Mr. Darcy join us, Lizzy?"

Georgiana opened her mouth to speak, but Mr. Darcy spoke first.

"I thank you, no. The two of you might have private matters to discuss," he answered, with a tolerant smile.

As do the two of you, Georgiana thought gleefully.

Her mission accomplished, Georgiana set off with Lydia, saying a silent prayer. Dear Lord, please let him consider his words before he speaks!
Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy walked for some minutes in silence.

"One of us must say something, Mr. Darcy, so let me inquire if you are apprehensive about your sister's association with Lydia. Lydia can be a bit forward, I know!"

He stopped walking and turned toward her, arms folded.

"If I had been apprehensive, Miss Bennet, I would have forbidden it. As it is, I rather think your family's exuberance has been a good influence on my sister."

"So your opinions have changed, then?"

"I believe they have. And might I ask...have yours?"

Elizabeth paused, while she decided what to say.

"Mr. Darcy?" Elizabeth said softly.

"Yes, Miss Bennet?"

"I read your letter this afternoon."

"I wish you would have burned it."

"Burned it? Why would you wish that, Sir? Do your sentiments no longer apply?" she said, on the point of tears.

"It was written a year ago, Miss Bennet, in a most dreadful bitterness of spirit. I do not understand why you have kept it so long."

"Kept it so long? Mr. Darcy, this letter could not have been written a year ago, as it refers to the christening of the baby."

She took it from her pocket and held it out to him.

"Where did you find this letter, Miss Bennet?" he asked, shocked.

"In the pocket of my cloak, where you placed it, Mr. Darcy!"

"I did not place it there, and it was in my own coat pocket just two days ago, Miss Bennet, of that I can assure you!"

"I assure you, Mr. Darcy, had I been wearing your coat rather than mine, I would have noted the fact. I am positive I would have been tripping on its length!"
"It was not meant for you to read, Miss Bennet."

"It was addressed to me, Sir. If you had not wanted me to read it, why was it written?"

"I wrote it for myself. So that I might know how to address you in private, should I have been so fortunate to have the opportunity. " He shook his head. "I am certain you remember how well I did in my endeavours to address you, Miss Bennet, and I have the bruise to prove it!"

"I should not have done that, Mr. Darcy."

"Yes, you should have. My conduct was unpardonable."

"Perhaps not," she whispered.

"Miss Bennet, I..." he began, not trusting himself.

"We are alone now, Mr. Darcy, and you have the opportunity to speak," Elizabeth said, amazed at her own boldness.

"Yes, we are," he said, "and still I fear saying the wrong thing!"

"But Mr. Darcy," she answered. "All that you wrote...was so right, Sir! Might you need your own written words to remind you?" she said, gently teasing him and handing him the letter.

He shook his head.

"All those words, Elizabeth, amount to one thing. I love you. I have loved you for so long that it has become second nature, like eating and sleeping and breathing. I cannot seem to speak to you without making matters worse, so if my written words are more pleasing to you, it ..."

"I love you, Mr. Darcy."

"...might be better if I wrote more and spoke less. What did you...? Say it again, Elizabeth!"

"I love you, Mr. Darcy."

"Again, but this time ... might you call me by my given name?"

His hands were grasping her shoulders.

"I love you, William," she whispered. "Marry me?" she said hopefully.

He appeared stunned.
"I could hardly expect you to ask a third time, William. You can refuse me if you like, as I will only ask again!"

"Oh, no," he said. "You have been far too easily swayed both toward and away from me these past days, Lizzy, for me to trust that you will ask again, so not only do I answer you with an emphatic 'yes,' I plan on shouting it out so that all will know, and you cannot easily renege on your offer! If only I had the license, I would hasten back to church and convince the vicar to marry us today!"

"Are you not going to kiss me, William?" she teased.

He shook his head solemnly. "I do not dare. I do not wish to risk a bruise on my right cheek to match that on the left, Elizabeth!"

"So it is up to me, then, to initiate the kissing as well as make the proposal?"

"Mmmm...perhaps not, if you promise not to inflict any additional violence on my person."

The promise was easily given, and the lady was soundly and repeatedly kissed.

"I have a gift for you, Lizzy," he said, eyes shining. "Something I found in Italy, which reminded me of you."

He reached into his breast pocket and withdrew the cameo brooch.

"You see, dearest," he said, his voice heavy with emotion. "I have been carrying you close to my heart. I was determined it would not leave my pocket until I had earned the privilege of pinning it on you."

With awkward hands, he pinned the brooch on the left flap of her cloak.

"From my heart, to yours," he said simply.

"William, I have been so foolish..." she tried to speak, only to be gathered back into his arms for another expression of his ardour.

"I am tired of speaking, Elizabeth. Humour me," he said wickedly, as his mouth covered hers again.

Unable to restrain herself, Caroline Bingley turned around at just that moment, Clifton a moment after her.

"Look the other way, Miss Bingley,"

"It is disgraceful! Just look at them!"
"You have looked quite enough. Turn around!" he said, more assertively than he had ever spoken to her before.

Caroline was furious. But, as ever, she was practical.

"A disgraceful manner in which to conduct themselves, do you not think so? I am gratified, Mr. Clifton, that you are observant of all the proprieties."

"Yes," he said somewhat bitterly. "That I am."

She linked her arm through his.

"So tell me more about your house in London, Mr. Clifton. Do you prefer town to the country?"

"I have learned, Miss Bingley, to make the best of things wherever I may be. I highly recommend such an attitude."

Her mind made up, Caroline Bingley did not turn around to look at Darcy and Elizabeth again. Her eyes faced forward for the remainder of their walk