Chapter 33

Mr. and Mrs. Darcy's first summer at Pemberley was an idyllic one. July and August were the happiest months of Fitzwilliam Darcy's life. They were spent enjoying his wife's companionship and her wonder at the paradise that was now her home. He delighted in showing her Pemberley's hidden gardens and valleys, her arm tucked in his as they walked slowly around the lake. Any compliment she offered on his taste or exclamation of delight she made at some newfound natural beauty was rewarded with a kiss. As Pemberley's grounds were vast and it would take far longer than one summer for Elizabeth to see all its wonders, Darcy reasoned he would never run out of inspiration for kissing her!

Elizabeth was, indeed, with child as a result of their equine-inspired activities that June afternoon at Netherfield. It was an excellent excuse to keep their social engagements to a minimum; in fact, they did not leave Pemberley until September, on the occasion of Caroline Bingley and Alex Clifton's wedding. Elizabeth was a hardy soul with the rugged constitution of a country girl and, in truth, experienced little of the usual discomfort and nausea that accompanied early pregnancy, but Darcy unashamedly used her condition to avoid the sort of false society he had always detested anyway.

The truth of the matter was, Elizabeth was finally his, and he was loath to share her. Elizabeth's family, of course, visited them frequently, and he tolerated them with equanimity. Mrs. Bennet's delight at her two eldest daughters' being so well situated, along with her awe at her son-in-law's standing, had tempered her demeanour somewhat. Darcy always treated his mother-in-law with the utmost consideration, for whatever his opinion of her, Mrs. Bennet was responsible for producing the treasure that made his life blissful. But even so, when the Bennets were ready to take their leave, he was gratified to see them go, because it meant Elizabeth was his alone, once again.

"I know I am a selfish brute, Lizzy," he said on one such occasion, as they stood outside the house, watching the Bennets' carriage disappear in the distance.

"How so, Fitzwilliam?" she asked, knowing full well what he meant.

"I do not like sharing you," he said seriously.

She smiled and crossed her hands over her belly.

"Soon you will share me with a very demanding rival, Sir," she said.

"A rival of my own creation," he said, with a cheeky grin. "If she is as delightful as her mother, I shall soon reconcile myself to sharing you."

Elizabeth did not question his certainty that the baby would be a girl, as she concurred in that opinion.

"I do admit, Fitzwilliam, that a fortnight with my family has proven to be fatiguing."

He was instantly all concern and solicitude.

"Are you tired, my love? It is warm here in the sun, come inside. An hour's nap would do you a world of good."

Despite her feeble protests, he swept her into his arms and carried her into the house.
"Really, Fitzwilliam, I am quite capable of walking!"

"Never mind!"

Georgiana smiled tolerantly at the now familiar sight of her brother carrying Elizabeth up the stairs.

"Your brother is determined to carry me as often as possible, Georgiana, before I grow too heavy with child!"

"Are you intimating, Madam, that I would lack the strength to carry you with the addition of a mere stone or two of weight?"

Georgiana chuckled. Truly, since his marriage to Elizabeth, Fitzwilliam seemed younger, somehow.

Elizabeth's response was muffled as she buried her lips in her husband's neck, and Georgiana heard her brother's soft, happy laughter as they reached the top of the stairs.

The last sound she heard was that of their bedchamber door closing.

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Caroline Bingley remained at Netherfield during the months leading up to her marriage. Alex was still a puzzle to her, and while he was not so compliant as he once had been, he treated her with respect and kindness. His estate was near enough that he was able to call at Netherfield almost every day, but he avoided staying the night. He could not forget how closely he had come to betraying his feelings to Charles Bingley, and such proximity throughout the night would be intolerable. He was always able to find some excuse to return to Rosewood before midnight.

That is, he was able to do so until one night in mid-July, some seven weeks before their wedding. The party had lingered over dinner, and the steady rain that had been falling all evening became something far more violent and threatening. A torrential downpour, accompanied by strong winds and thunder and lightning, made it foolhardy for him to venture even the short distance to his estate, and Charles insisted that he remain for the night.

All were in bed and the house was dark for the night when a particularly loud clap of thunder awakened him, and Alex was unable to get back to sleep. He slipped into his dressing gown and went downstairs, seeking a drink to calm his nerves. To his surprise, Charles was in the drawing room, a glass of sherry in his hand.

"I say, Alex, you could not sleep either?"

"No, my friend, I could not."

"One of the hazards of living in the country, I suppose. The extremes of weather can be trying."

Alex took the glass of sherry Charles offered him. In his dressing gown, his golden hair tousled from sleep, Charles was more beautiful than Alex had ever seen him before.

"I shall be married to your sister in three weeks' time," Alex said dully.

"Are you questioning the wisdom of your decision?" Charles asked carefully.
Alex merely shrugged and took a long swig of sherry.

"I am her brother, Alex. Tell me the truth. Is there someone else you regret?"

Alex stared at him and nodded.

Charles, remembering Alex's courtship of Elizabeth, delved further.

"Someone very close to me, I think, Alex. Am I correct?"

Alex laughed.

"Exceedingly close, Charles. But you need not worry. My disappointment shall never be revealed, and I assure you that Caroline will have no cause to regret marrying me."

"I am glad to hear it," Charles said, and he moved closer to Alex, pulling him into a brotherly embrace.

It was dark in the room and it was good it was so, as if Alex's face had been visible, even one so unassuming as Charles Bingley could not have failed to see the love and longing there. Alex returned the embrace, perhaps more enthusiastically than he should have, and briefly nuzzled Bingley's soft hair.

He soon found it prudent to pull away, fearful that the arousal he was experiencing would be apparent if he did not.

"I will be returning upstairs, Alex," Charles said shortly. "Will you be joining me?"

If only we could truly be joined, Alex thought. One night...just one night...

"Not just yet, Charles," Alex responded. "I think I shall finish my sherry and listen to the storm."

"As you wish, old man," Charles said. "Things will look better in the morning, I am sure, when the sun comes out."

"Will they?" Alex whispered softly as he left.

He sat there for some time, remembering how Charles had felt in his arms and how right it had felt to be close to him. He sat and closed his eyes, giving free rein to his imagination, and once his fantasy took hold, he could not stop himself. He was in dire need of relief and he took himself in hand, imagining it was Charles stroking him, Charles loving him. He was near the point of release when a female voice stopped him cold.

"Alex! What on earth are you doing?"

Remarkably, Caroline sounded neither shocked nor angry. Her eyes were glowing, and her manner one of excited curiosity.

"What does it appear I am doing, Caroline?" he snapped, quickly covering himself.

"You were thinking about me, were you not?" she asked, with some satisfaction.

"Of course. I could think of no other." The irony in his tone was lost on Caroline.
"Come here, Alex," she whispered. She was wearing a nightdress, her hair down, and to Alex's surprise she was more attractive to him in her present, natural state.

He obliged her, and when she pressed herself up against him, it was obvious to her that he was aroused.

"It is but three weeks to our wedding, Alex," she said meaningfully, closing her eyes as he kissed her.

"Are you giving me leave to...?" Alex asked doubtfully.

"Yes," she said. "Yes!"

Alex came to a decision. She was not Charles, she was not even Jane, but she was to be his wife. When it came right down to it, it would be his duty to bed her. Somehow, he would have to stomach it, and as he was more ready now than he ever had been in her company, perhaps it was time he test his fortitude.

Without a word, he turned her around and pushed her face down over the arm of the chair and roughly pulled up her nightdress. If he had to take her, he would position her as he would a man. Hers was an angular bottom, he discovered, not at all feminine, not soft and round as Elizabeth's would undoubtedly be.

"Alex...this is not how I imagined..." Caroline protested and he slapped her bottom briskly in response.

"Be quiet, Caroline," he demanded. "Just for once, be quiet and do as you are told. Spread your legs and lift yourself higher!"

She hesitated, and was punished with another slap on her bare backside, and quickly, she complied.

He positioned himself at the entrance to her sex, and was surprised to find her ready to accept him. He did not dare to truly take her as he would a man...no, that would come after they married...but he could press up against her bottom as he plunged into her, imagining something else...someone else.

Caroline gasped as her maidenhead gave way, but Alex's forcefulness and vigorous thrusting proved more pleasurable than she ever would have imagined. The brief flash of pain was soon over, and she cried out in pleasure as she experienced the first orgasm of her life.

Alex, too, was soon spent, and he hastily arose and tied his dressing gown closed.

He could not look at her.

"Caroline," he mumbled. "I am sorry...I forgot myself...forgive me."

She laughed softly as she pulled down her nightdress.

"You are forgiven, Alex. That was most surprising, I must say. Although I must warn you, I rather doubt we shall have such an opportunity again before the wedding."

"That will be difficult, indeed," he responded.
"Can you bear to wait until September to have me again?" she asked smugly.

"One cannot always have what one wants, Caroline. Hasten upstairs to bed before your brother comes in search of us."

"Very well, Alex," she responded. "Are you not going to kiss me good-night first?"

"Of course," he sighed, guilt sweeping over him. Even Caroline Bingley did not deserve such a half-hearted lover, he thought.

Still, he kissed her and she appeared satisfied.

Perhaps, he thought, some sort of compromise was possible, after all.

Chapter 34

Caroline Bingley and Alex Clifton were married in early September as planned. It was, indeed, the social event of the season, and Charles Bingley spared no expense in marrying off his sister.

Caroline was elegant and stylish in her embroidered gown, fashioned of imported lace and silk. The empire bodice of the dress was snug in fit, and her sister Louisa regarded her curiously. She had never seen Caroline appearing so...buxom! It was astounding, she thought, what one could accomplish with the proper undergarments and stays.

All of Hertfordshire and much of London turned out for the festivities, and Caroline noted with satisfaction that the number of guests far surpassed the number present at the Darcys' wedding breakfast in June. If Caroline looked somewhat pale as she walked down the aisle of the church on her brother's arm, the guests attributed it to her customary avoidance of the summer sun.

Mr. and Mrs. Darcy had been seen little in company since their marriage, and many of those present marveled at the change in Fitzwilliam Darcy. He who had smiled so little, it seemed, during the first twenty-eight years of his life, now seemed almost jocular in his attitude. He rarely left his wife's side, but was perfectly amiable when others approached them. Elizabeth Darcy was positively radiant, glowing with love and a healthy pregnancy. She was but three months along and had not gained much weight as yet.

Caroline Bingley Clifton, however, had. It was fortunate, she thought wryly as she and Alex exchanged vows, that the wedding was taking place today and not several weeks hence.

Her maid Annie had remarked upon the difficulty of fastening the buttons of her wedding gown that morning as she helped her dress. Seeing her mistress's expression, she wisely held her tongue.

No doubt Annie suspects, but it is of no concern, Caroline thought as Clifton slipped the wedding ring on her finger. We are married now, and we are by no means the first couple of our acquaintance who has anticipated their wedding vows!

It was something of a relief to Caroline that she was already expecting. Her first sexual encounter had been puzzling, even if it had been oddly satisfying, and she had a vague idea there was something exceedingly peculiar about her new husband's proclivities. Perhaps it was better that she would have these next seven or eight months free of his demands if she so chose.

Still...there had been something quite pleasing about Alex's uncustomary forcefulness in making love to her. She had felt, for those few minutes, utterly powerless and had rather enjoyed the feeling. There was a point in their encounter when she realized that she would have not been able to stop him, even if she so chose, and the realization had been surprisingly thrilling.

Yet, in the weeks that followed, Alex had withdrawn from her once again. She had yet to tell him of their impending parenthood and she wondered how he would greet the news. Would he resent the restrictions her condition would undoubtedly impose on their bedroom activities?

She gazed curiously at Elizabeth and Darcy as the wedding festivities progressed. Elizabeth Darcy was three months' pregnant, yet she and her husband, Caroline was certain, had not suspended intimacies. It was quite obvious, by the way he doted on her and absent-mindedly touched her when he thought they were unobserved. There was a physical familiarity about them that was obvious to anyone who took the time to observe their interaction with each other, and more than one man present envied Darcy his responsive wife.

Caroline was maddeningly uncertain as to whether such a relationship was what she herself wanted. She did not love Alex Clifton, but her desire had been awakaned by that one intense, unusual encounter at Netherfield. Something had triggered Alex's urgency that night, and she was not certain what that something was.

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Alex and Caroline's wedding night was distinctly anti-climactic. They were both fatigued from the day's events, she perhaps more so because of the draining effects of early pregnancy. He kissed her perfunctorily, made some comment on her having made a lovely bride, and promptly fell asleep.

So it was on the morning following the day of her marriage that Caroline Clifton informed her new husband that they were to be parents. She watched him carefully as she made the important communication, and a variety of expressions passed in quick succession across his face.

Surprise, happiness and...relief?

He took both her hands in his.

"That is wonderful news, Caroline, just wonderful! Is it certain?"

"Quite certain, Alex. Do you think...that is, will it cause a scandal?"

"Hang the scandal, Caroline! We are married, and nothing could make me happier than your producing an heir so soon after our marriage. You must take excellent care of yourself, my dear, and not exert yourself in any way."

She moved closer to him in the bed and lay her head on his chest.

"Alex, we are newly married. Are we not going to...that is...has it has been difficult for you these last weeks? The anticipation?"
"Of course, of course it has, Caroline! But I would not dream of making those sorts of demands on you in your delicate condition. Certainly not until the doctor has seen you and pronounced it safe and advisable."

Caroline frowned. This was not how matters were supposed to progress. Alex was supposed to want her more than she wanted him!

She was somewhat disappointed, in fact, when the doctor advised against marital relations, at least until the pregnancy was more advanced. Caroline was tall, but narrowly built in the womanly areas crucial to carrying a pregnancy to term.

"Do not worry yourself, my love," Alex reassured her "I would not dream of doing anything that would put you or our child in jeopardy."

"Are you one of those men who will take a mistress during his wife's confinement?" Caroline demanded. She could not bear the humiliation of such a circumstance.

Alex laughed slightly and shook his head.

"You need not worry about that, Caroline. Nothing could be further from my mind."

Alex's almost saintly abstinence irked Caroline for some reason. For one thing, even as her pregnancy advanced, he avoided her bed and spent many hours riding around the grounds of the estate. She found that pregnancy made her desire even more the sort of physical contact she had experienced but once, but she was determined not to be the one to bring up the subject first. Alex never ventured far from home, so she was quite certain he was not seeking the comfort of another woman, but it was a blow to her pride that he did not seem to desire her, even a little!

To make matters more irritating to Caroline, once the fatigue and nausea of early pregnancy had passed, she found herself recalling with pleasure her furtive encounter with Alex before their marriage. Her awareness of her own body had never been keener, and she found her condition produced a state of near-constant sexual arousal. A week before Christmas, she made discreet inquiries of Mr. Stephens, her physician, who assured her she was well past the time when amorous activities might be hazardous.

But while Caroline had her physician's leave to proceed and her own need to do so, Alex seemed to have lost interest in her entirely, at least in that aspect of their relationship. He was still solicitous, if somewhat distracted, but as her appearance was more womanly in the bloom of pregnancy than ever before, she failed to inspire any interest in him sexually. He could have tolerated her better in her usual, lean, angular shape and perhaps been able to imagine her as...but never mind, she was pregnant, anyway, and he felt that was reason enough for her to accept his avoidance of her bed.

And, indeed, Alex had found an outlet for his sexual energy in the person of a young groom from one of the neighbouring estates. His name was Geoffrey, and he bore enough of a resemblance to Charles Bingley for Alex to find him a tolerable enough replacement. He was but twenty years old, and was flattered by the attentions of a gentleman such as Alex Clifton, who was kind and generous and did not hesitate to exhibit his generosity in a manner that was beneficial to Geoffrey and his family.

Should my father discover the nature of our friendship, Geoffrey thought, the consequences would be dire indeed.
But he was young, and with the recklessness of youth, he did not allow that thought to intrude upon his pleasure with Alex Clifton.

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With less than three months remaining until her confinement, Elizabeth was determined to make the most of her first Christmas with her husband. Darcy lovingly scolded her when he observed her overexerting herself , and would often take her by the hand and force her to rest. But Elizabeth, always an energetic person, was experiencing that instinct that often inspires increased activity in late pregnancy, and no sooner did Darcy leave the room than she was on her feet again, bustling about, full of excitement and ideas for the upcoming holidays.

All the family would be at Pemberley for Christmas. Not only her parents and sisters would be their guests, but Jane, Charles, Alex and Caroline as well. Caroline was growing more and more restless as the days passed, and she was glad of the opportunity to be in company, even with Elizabeth Bennet's family!

Before they departed for Pemberley, Alex presented his young friend Geoffrey with a gold pocket watch, finer than anything the young man had ever owned. It was engraved on the back of the case "To G. from A., Christmas 1813." The young man blushed, as he had nothing for Alex; any money he earned went directly to the support of his parents and six younger siblings.

"It is no matter, Geoff," Alex said kindly. "What you have given me exceeds any material gift."

Alex looked over his shoulder, and seeing no one in the vicinity, kissed the young man and embraced him.

"I will be away from Hertfordshire for a fortnight. I will miss you," he said truthfully.

"And I, you," Geoffrey replied. "When will you take your leave?"

"The day after tomorrow," Alex said. "Perhaps tomorrow, if you are at liberty...?" he inquired.

"I will make every effort," Geoffrey said.

But when Alex saw Geoffrey on the following day, it was not for the purpose he had hoped. Geoffrey's attitude was one of fear and shame, and he hastily threw the watch into Alex's hand. His face was bruised, his eye blackened, and his lips trembled as he spoke.

"My father," he whispered. "I am afraid he has always suspected my nature, Alex. He saw the watch, and demanded I reveal your name, but I would not. He was drunk out of his mind, and he beat me with his fists, then when he grew tired of that, with his belt.

"He threatened to kill both of us, should he discover your identity, and I've no reason to doubt his word. I have to go away, Alex, I could not bear to put you in danger."

"Where will you go?" Alex asked, distraught and guilty at what his actions had wrought upon his lover.

"I do not know. I will manage."

He protested as Alex pressed some money into his hands, but Alex insisted.
Geoffrey stared at him for one long moment, then put his arms around Alex and kissed him.

"I love you, Alex," he said.

"God preserve you, Geoffrey," Alex answered, looking away in shame.

He loved me, Alex thought as Geoffrey left. He loved me, and how did I repay him? By ruining his young life.

And now, as though matters were not complicated enough, he would be spending the next fortnight in the company of the one man he truly loved and could never have. He felt remorseful, he felt worthless, and he knew not how he might manage to go on.

But if he felt incapable of doing so for himself, Alex knew in his heart he must do it for his child. For the first time in many weeks, he thought of Caroline, who for all her faults, was no doubt perplexed at his lack of interest in her. He swore to himself that he would make an effort to be a husband to her, and he prayed to God for the strength to do it.

He walked slowly back to the house, oblivious to the wind that whipped at his back. Tonight, somehow, he would attempt to give his wife the attention she deserved. If he found himself incapable of performing in the bedroom, he would at least try to give her some pleasure in his company.

It is time to get on with it, he thought. I am a husband, soon to be a father. No doubt Geoffrey will soon regret ever having met me; I will not inflict the same fate on Caroline.