When I got back into the room, I fell to the floor, shaking with sobs. I don't know why but at that moment I missed Paulie like this force inside me. It made no sense. The girl horrified me. But I knew what it was: she turned me from a mouse into Mary Brave. She brought me out of my shell, at least a little.
Its hard when you feel a million emotions at once. Every feeling inside me was so strong, but there were just so many. My confused longing for Kat, my despair over Paulie, my pure fear of something I could barely name. I didn't want to be like Paulie and Tori. I couldn't be. I couldn't deal with all that pain, that insanity.
Kat burst into the door, wheezing and tear-streaked. She saw me curled up on the floor and rushed over.
"I'm sorry, Mouse. God I'm sorry. I shouldn't have done that. Did I scare the shit out of you or something? I'm sorry." She was crying and it made me long for her touch more. I lunged forward and enveloped her in a tight embrace. She picked me up off the floor, her strong arms securing me. Setting me down on her bed, she retracted and stared into my eyes. "Mouse, we gotta talk."
I took a deep breath to get myself together. "I know."
"I'm sorry."
"I'm the one who should be sorry."
"Why?"
I held back tears again, but they kept coming. "Because I'm scared. Because I must have hurt you, running away like that!"
"Scared of what?"
"This!" I cried, my voice breaking.
"What's this?" Her voice stayed steady and persistent.
"Us. This. Becoming something. Like… a relationship."
"So I guess you figured out I liked you, huh? I'm sorry man. If you're straight…feel free to get another room or something. I'll move out even. I don't want to make you uncomfortable." She smiled sincerely.
"It's not that I…I might want it. But..." my voice cracked. "My one model of a girl-girl relationship wasn't that wonderful. I mean, one of them was a near-psycho who killed herself, the other was too terrified to admit anything."
"Mouse." she said, gently placing her hand on my face. "Not every lesbian relationship is like that. I'm not a psycho, I promise you. Mouse, we can be different. We will be different. I mean, if you want that…"
"I'm not sure what I want."
"Then take some time, decide-"
With all the bravery that I could ever muster, I leaned forward and almost kissed her. But I wavered at the last second and gave her a lingering peck on the cheek. I could feel her smile.