Time passes quickly in love. Kat and I… we were bound together. In school we kept everything normal, I didn't want rumors. But when we were back in the room, it was nothing but flirting, cuddles, kisses. No one really suspected, and if they did, they didn't really inform us. One night, I was out late, staying after class to get help in math and then I stayed in Cordelia's room for a while. When I got back, Kat was dozing on Paulie's bed, a book in hand. Her face was flushed.

I walked over and saw the book in her hand. It was something about lesbians…I couldn't see the title well. For some reason that just struck a chord in me. I was already slightly angry from Cordelia's persistent questioning of mine and Kat's relationship. Kat stirred slightly and looked up at me and jumped.

"Jeez Mouse, a little dark and menacing aren't we?" she shut her eyes and yawned.

"Sorry."

Her eyes grew narrow. "What's up? You seem…angry…"

"What are you reading?" I stood straight and still, and she slowly got up to a sitting position.

"Oh, its How to be a Happy Lesbian, my friend got it for me for my birthday one year." She laughed and turned it over in her hands.

"Why are you on Paulie's bed?"

"Mine was too uncomfortable to read on, hers in the corner so I can prop myself up. Why are you so pissy tonight?"

I didn't even want to answer. I just walked to the opposite side of the room, slipped off my shoes, and climbed into bed. But as soon as I'd clicked off the lamp she turned it right back on.

"What the hell is up with you?" she seemed angry, but genuinely concerned.

"I get back from fighting with Cordelia about mine and yours relationship and you're reading a lesbian book and asleep on my dead ex-roomate's bed." I rolled over and she ran to the other side.

"I'm sorry I got on Paulie's bed, I didn't think it'd make you so angry." She reached for my hand and I writhed away, falling out of bed clumsily. But when she tried to help me up I slapped her hand away.

"Don't!"

"Don't what Mouse? Touch you? What the hell is wrong with you tonight!?"

"Just don't!" I screamed and tried to run but she grabbed me. She truly grabbed me, her arms flying around my waist and shoulder and dragging me back.

"No, you are going to talk to me and tell me what's wrong! I'm not gonna have you getting so pissed at me and won't even speak to me or let me touch you. Can…" she took a breath. "Can we just talk?"

I started to cry and she tried to pull me to her, but I threw her arms off of me. Then I ran across the room and leaped onto Paulie's bed. Behind me I heard Kat groan in anger and storm out of the room, slamming the door.

I just cried and beat on Paulie's mattress until my hands were aching. Why did she have to die? Why did Tori have to break up with her? Why did Paulie have to be so damn insane? Why did they have to be lesbians? Why did I have to be one?

Everything hurt and I didn't even know why. I felt so horrible for pushing Kat away. But I was still scared. I'd been so charmed by and sympathetic of Paulie, I couldn't leave. I could yell at her and be confused and cry, but I always wanted to help and protect her. And the one time I could've saved her… I stood below and watched her fall and smack onto the cold, hard ground.