Holy cripples on a stick! I haven't updated in a whole MONTH? Jeez…and ignore the cripples on a stick thing. See, my friend's nickname is Cripple because she spends about half of each school year on crutches due to knee injuries flaring up and tripping down the stairs over her evil cat.

Anyway…sorry I haven't updated in ages. For those of you who are currently sophomores in high school or lower…do not take AP US History when presented with the chance. Seriously. Unless you love history and plan on majoring in it in college or something. And if you do, only take one other AP class, max. Don't be like Peachy Lime. But to make up for the utter lateness of my updating, I've posted Mutant Crush as well.

DISCLAIMER: "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" "…Chihuahuas have really big ears?"

Episode III – Rogue Recruit (Part II)

On the other side of the fence, Wanda is stumbling around a lawn when Pietro ports in neatly on a swing. "Please don't be frightened," Pietro says, porting over to a fountain next to her.

"I don't think I'm the one who should be frightened," Wanda says.

"Hehehe…let bygones be bygones?" Pietro tries. "Whatever happened to the memory alterations Mastermind did?"

Wanda thinks for a moment. "Don't know, don't care. The point is-"

"You're wasting time and you've had plenty of chances to kill him, only you haven't, so it's too late to try anything now," Tabby cuts in. "Problem solved."

Wanda glares at Tabby, who stares serenely back and strokes a pink plastic flamingo-shaped gun newly made by Forge. (1) "What do you want?" she demands to Pietro.

"To help you," Pietro says. "We're the good guys. I was like you once. Alone, unsure of what I was…… then I switched to Geico and saved a bunch of money on my car insurance!" he finishes with a thumbs up and a cheesy smile.

Wanda stares at him with an eyebrow raised. "…Riiiight."

Rogue, meanwhile has phased through the fence. "Half-pint," she mutters. "Ah'll show him. She doesn't look so tough ta meh."

"Yeah, aside from the gothness and the haircut and the outfit and the make-up and the glare-of-death, and did I mention the gothness?" Pietro says.

Outfit aside, Rogue glares at him with her gothness and her haircut and her make-up and her glare-of-death.

"Right," Pietro says. "Have at her."

Rogue tackles Wanda, who uses a wrestling move (à la Webber) to knock her off. Pietro grabs her, and she pounds on his wrist, switching off his image inducer.

Rather than freaking out, Wanda starts laughing. "Whoa, you're fuzzy!" she laughs, and pokes him on the nose.

Of course, that then renders him unconscious. "Oops," Wanda says, and accidentally ports away.

"…Is it just meh, or did that oops sound very fake?" Rogue asks…the air, apparently, since Pietro's unconscious.

"Does it matter?" Tabby demands.

"Nah, just wonderin'."

Meanwhile, Wanda has found herself ported into a cemetery. "Whoa, where am I? Hey-man-WTFs-going-on? I can speak Pietrish?" She thinks for a minute. "The fuzzy albino. Pietro. I was him, like I was Webber." A lightbulb appears over her head…literally.

"Ray, go back to your plane of nonexistence!" Tabby yells. "And get that lightbulb out of your mouth. YOU ARE NOT UNCLE FESTER!"

Ray pouts, but spits out the lightbulb and slouches off to his plane of nonexistence.

Wanda is taking the opportunity to port all over the cemetery…until the bench she ports on crumbles underneath her out of sheer spite. "Ow!" she yells. "When is this all gonna end?"

Back in That One Backyard Place, Rogue is trying – and failing – to wake Pietro up. "Pietro? Wake the HELL UP! Okay, think. Uh, What Would Tha Invisible Pink Unicorn Do? (2) …Kay, that doesn't help. Um, oh yeah! Tha Prof-Bucket can read mahnds, so he can hear my thoughts."

With Bobby and Co., Magsy has just lost track of Wanda. "The trail went cold," he says grumpily. "I can't read Webber's brainwave patterns."

"But if he's gone…" Jubes says.

"That probably means the effect of transference is temporary," Magsy says. "Now our problem is how to find the girl."

Kurt leaps over the fence. "Try 10 gardens due west," he says. "Pietro's trying to keep her from bolting."

"…Greeeeeeeat," Magsy says. "Then we must-"

'Prof-Bucket! PROF-BUCKET!' Rogue yells in his head.

"OW!" Magsy yells. "That REALLY HURT!" 'Rogue, order your thoughts.'

'It's Pietro,' Rogue mindspeaks. 'She hurt him. She did somethin' ta him. …Whah do Ah care?'

'I don't know,' Magsy replies solemnly.

"Thanks a lot, dad!" Pietro yells sarcastically.

'Yah stay outta this mind-conversation, BOY!'

"Yes, ma'am," Pietro says meekly, and resumes unconsciousness.

"Kurt, it's Quicksilver," Magsy says. "The girl has his mind and abilities."

Kurt growls and unsheathes his claws. "It's all my fault!" he wails angstily. "I never should have left the little albino squirrel in charge!"

Bobby slaps him on the head. "Thanks," Kurt says gratefully. "I needed that." He hops over the fence and runs off.

"…Odd little boy," Magsy says. "Anyway, I'm getting a clear reading now on Pietro's brain-wave patterns. She's getting more focused each time she uses her power…crap. You three go ahead, I'll follow."

"Maybe you should just stay in the Non-X-Van," Jubes suggests.

"No, but I will sit outside the Non-X-Van and steeple my fingers," Magsy says.

"Whatever," Mystique says, and they run off.

In the cemetery, Bobby, Jubes, and Mystique are all arguing over who has to talk to Wanda.

"I don't wanna talk to her! You talk to her!" Bobby hisses.

"I don't wanna talk to her!" Jubes says. "I'm chewing gum! It could get stuck in her hair!"

"Well, I'm not talking to her," Mystique says loftily. She and Bobby look at each other, then at Jubes.

"Stole my gum," Jubes mutters sulkily as she walks over to Wanda. "Like, hi!" she says perkily.

"…Do I know you?" Wanda asks.

"I don't think so," Jubes says. "Since the only time you interacted ginormously with the X-Geeks is when I was chilling in the sewer with Ray, and then my parents made me move back to California, so-"

"You're Jubes, aren't you?" Wanda asks. "Except…you're not chewing gum."

"They took my gum away," Jubes says.

"Oh," Wanda replies, nodding. Then, "Hey! That means you're one of THEM!"

"Hey, hey, hey," Jubes says. "Chill for a sec. If you know who I am, then you know I won't hurt you. Hell, even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to."

"True," Wanda agrees.

"Anyway," Jubes says. "Zero pressure, but if you wanna talk, you can reach me anytime on this X-Communicator." She TKs a communicator that looks a helluva lot like the one in the car in X2 over to Wanda.

"WTF?" Wanda says.

"Rogue stole it from the set," Jubes explains.

"But they only parodied the first movie," Wanda says confusedly.

"…What's your point?" Jubes asks. (2)

Bobby and Ororo come over to see what's taking Jubes so long, and Wanda sees Ororo. "OMG, it's YOU!" Wanda shrieks, and runs away.

"I don't get it," Jubes says. "We were connecting and then-"

"Then she saw me," Mystique says. "For some reason, she's afraid of me."

"…You sound so surprised," Bobby says.

Meanwhile, Rogue is still trying to revive Pietro. "Ya know," she says while poking him with a long Slim Jim, "Ah'm not that big on facial hair-"

There is a far-off but distinct "MERDE!" that sounds rather Cajun-ish.

"-But tha pointeh ears are startin' ta work foah meh," Rogue finishes.

Nothing happens.

"Oh well, Ah tried," Rogue says lazily and continues eating the Slim Jim. (4)

We find Wanda huddled in a mausoleum when Bobby drops in through a hole. "Thought you could escape us, did you?" he asks. "The X-Geeks don't leave loose ends." He walks over to Wanda and shoves over a large stone…vase…threateningly.

"Oh my god," Wanda says dully. "You broke a vase." Nonetheless, she runs out of the mausoleum…and right into Bobby. Before he can even say WTFman, she shoves him over, where he accidentally blasts a telephone pole. Greeeat.

Wanda runs back into the mausoleum, where she comes face to face with Jubes. "I tried, I really did," Jubes says angrily. "But some people just won't be helped!" She holds a hand out at her, and Wanda freaks and ports away…

…To end up fifty feet above the ground. She ports to three feet above the ground and lands in a heap. "OW!"

Jubes runs over. "Are you hurt?" she asks. "Lie still. Don't try to move."

Wanda freaks and backs up into Mystique. "Child, what is it?" she asks.

"YOU'RE my mom?" Wanda demands.

"No, of course not," Mystique says.

"THANK GOD!"

"We are your friends," Mystique continues, reaching for her. Wanda grabs her instead by her bare forearm, and zappy zappy! Mystique gets hurled back into a watery ditch while Wanda rises into the worsening weather.

"Oh crap," Bobby says. "The power lines! If they hit the water, Mystique'll be fried! …Wait, that's not such a bad thing."

"We need her later," Jubes says reluctantly.

Bobby jumps into the watery ditch, wading across to the other side. "You know," Jubes says as she TKs them out of the water, "You coulda just ran around to the other side."

"…Well, you know what?" Bobby demands. "Uh…YEAH!" (5)

Jubes keeps them TK'd in the air. "I can't keep us up for long," she warns.

"So we could drop suddenly into that pool of water with the power lines at any given moment?" Bobby asks.

"Pretty much, yeah."

"Good to know."

Meanwhile, Wanda is freaking out. "Too much power," she gasps. "Must…stop…sounding…like…Jean…" She screams and ports away, and the storm clears in record time.

Jubes lowers them to the ground as Magsy wheels up, followed by Kurt (who's carrying Pietro).

"What happened to Wanda?" Bobby asks.

"You're not supposed to know her name," Tabby points out.

"Shut it."

"She's gone," Magsy says. "Her mind is a jumble. But I strongly suspect the hand of another at work here."

Kurt sniffs the air. "Ororo," he mutters. "She can change her body, but not her scent."

"Then we have ta go aftah her!" Rogue says.

"There's been enough damage done today," Magsy says. "And the girl must come of her own free will or not at all. And we must first tend to our own."

Said "own" miraculously come to at the exact same time while Magsy steeples his fingers. Oh yeah, that's tending to them, all right.

Pietro tumbles out of Kurt's arms and glances around. "Looks like I missed quite a party," he comments, before noticing Rogue's overly hyper expression. "GAH!"

"Pietro, yoah alraht!" Rogue squeals.

"OH GOD!" Pietro screams as Rogue glomps him. "Okay, WHAT happened to her?"

"Easy, ya fuzzy elf," Rogue assures him. "Everything is gonna be just fahne."

Pietro glances in confusion at Bobby, who mouths, "Fuzzy elf?"

Kurt takes the opportunity to point and laugh at him. "HA! WHO'S THE ELF NOW, BIYATCH!"

Back at the hospital, Webber's finally awake again. His Arbitrary Friend throws a football at him. "Whatever this was, try to shake it off quick, okay?" he asks. "The game against Jackson is next week and the last thing we need is Stevens taking your position."

"I get knocked out by a weird girl I like," Webber says, "And when I finally wake up, ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT IS FOOTBALL???"

A few days (or weeks, or whatevers) later, Wanda is being welcomed to Bayville High.

"Welcome to Bayville High," Ororo says. "I'm sure you'll be very happy here. Happy…and SAFE."

"Um, sure," Wanda says. "Thanks." She stands up and walks out the door.

Xavier fades out of the shadows and plays with the paper clips (magnetically, so it doesn't look as stupid as it sounds…sort of). "She is a fine addition to our side," he states, and begins to steeple his fingers.

Ororo reaches over and slaps his hands. "Stop that! We were lucky to get to her first."

Xavier glares at her, but drops his hands. "Indeed. You are certain any residual memories of the true X-Geeks have faded?"

"Positive," Ororo insists.

Meanwhile, outside the office, Wanda stops and looks at the communicator in her hand, then sighs and stares up at the ceiling dramatically.

"…Can I go now?" she asks five minutes later.

"Huh?" Tabby asks from where she's been sleeping. "Oh, yeah, go ahead."

……………

(1) – In my AP English class, we recently had to analyze an essay about the plastic pink flamingo's rise to popularity in American culture. My class is now convinced that our teacher should bring in a plastic pink flamingo to be our mascot. Oh, and don't ask me what the gun does. Probably something harmful, definitely something ridiculous.

(2) – The Invisible Pink Unicorn, or the IPU, is an atheistic deity who is both Invisible AND Pink. Don't ask how that works. Suspended belief, I suppose.

(3) – You all know what the X2 communicator looks like, right? I don't think they had them in X3…can't be bothered to remember. By the by, I will be parodying those movies sometime in the future, as I have yet to find my LK and S2 DVDs. Plus, I wanna torture Logan in those movies. And Bobby and Rogue. Oh, and Kurt, of course.

(4) – Ahhh, I used to love those. So much processed meat that's a heart attack waiting to happen. I can still handle them in small doses, but those long ones…I can practically feel my arteries sealing up.

(5) – One of my friends makes the worst comebacks ever. That's one of her more commonly used ones. But then again, she is about as ghetto as a pocket protector. Oh, and it's a new running gag. Bobby sucks at comebacks.

Up next: we meet our new, not-insanely-huge-yet-insanely-strong-and-still-not-insanely-bright Freddie! Click on!