Oh, by the way, Alex isn't ginormously huge like Fred. He's just…really strong. And is accident-prone. And breaks things easily.

Before you get a migraine over the physical changes to characters…they usually don't happen. But there are exceptions, like Buckethead needs to be in a wheelchair, and Pietro needs fur and a and the fingers and the toes tail to add to the general angstiness. But like, whoever plays Angel will obviously need to sprout wings, but Angel can keep his. Confusing? Probably. Sorry!

The Cast!

Fred Dukes – Alex Masters

Mystique – Ororo Munroe

Jean Grey – Jubes Lee

Logan – Kurt Wagner

Duncan Matthews – Paul WTFshislastname

Scott Summers – Bobby Drake

Rogue – Wanda Maximoff

Paul WTFshislastname – Edward Kelly

(No, seriously. Does Paul have a last name?)

Kitty Pryde – Rogue

Kurt Wagner – Pietro Maximoff

Taryn Fujioka – Dani Moonstar

Professor Charles Xavier – Eric Lensherr

DISCLAIMER: "Mom, where's the conditioner?" "Next to the shampoo." "Where's the shampoo." "Next to the soap." "…Where's the soap?"

Episode IV – Mutant Crush (Part I)

We open in a monster truck arena in Texas, where a monster truck has just finished crushing (literally) its opponents. "And now," the Arbitrary Announcer, er, announces, "The main attraction of the evening. Let's give it up for the world's strongest teenager…Alex "Havok" Masters!"

Alex walks up in a cape and throws it off dramatically, smirking at the camera. "I have Evan as my best friend," he says sadly. "That's depressing."

"You get to watch him get repeatedly heX-bolted by…some person in later episodes," Tabby says helpfully.

Alex brightens. "That helps…a little." He grabs the chains attached to the ends of two monster trucks on either side of him and braces himself as the trucks rev up.

"Alright, Alex," the Arbitrary Announcer says, "Let's show 'em what you got!"

Ororo watches through a pair of hi-tech binoculars as the trucks attempt to move forward, but instead pop a wheelie as Alex pulls them up.

Alex jumps up, forcing the trucks to back up into each other, and lands on their bumpers, hitting a hey-I'm-cool pose. The crowd cheers like insanity until he bows, overbalances, and falls flat on his face. Then the crowd, like all cruel biyatches in high school, starts laughing.

Well, except for Jubes and Kurt, who are extremely undercover in cowboy regalia (ie, cowboy hats and leather jackets with the cowboy fringe). "Wow," Jubes says. "He's strong."

"Abnormally so," Kurt agrees. (1)

Later, Alex is trashing his room (tearing posters, tossing lockers, making holes in walls with his fists…trivial stuff, really) when Ororo opens the door. "Something wrong?" she asks.

"Yeah," Alex says. "I'm stuck being friends with Evan."

Ororo rolls her eyes. "Besides that."

"Oh, um, yeah. These small-town hicks. They've laughed at me for the last time, bro. I'm getting outta here for good."

"That could be arranged," Ororo says. "In fact, I know somewhere where your talents would be truly appreciated."

"Dude, if you're from the circus-" Alex begins.

"Oh, no," Ororo assures him. "I have something far more interesting in mind. Care to hear more?"

"…Are you, like, trying to seduce me?" Alex asks. (2)

"Okay, ew," Ororo says. "No. Not in a million years."

"Good," Alex says. "Then I'll totally hear more!"

Kurt and Jubes walk down the hall to Alex's room…a little too late. Kurt glances in to see Ororo grinning viciously at them before Alex shuts the door (because Alex totally couldn't see Kurt and Jubes standing there. Really).

THE NEW TOTALLY SWITCED UP X-MEN: EVOLUTION!

"…And this will be your schedule for the semester," Ororo finishes explaining school stuff to Alex. "Any other questions, Mr. Masters?"

"I don't know if I can do school again," Alex says doubtfully. "I ran into so many barneys and hodaddys at my old school-"

"You won't have that trouble here," Ororo assures him.

"Do you have any idea what Alex is talking about?" Tabby stagewhispers to Roberto.

"No," Roberto stagewhispers back. "Why am I here?"

"I don't know," Tabby stagewhispers. "Who here's fluent in surfer speak?"

"I don't know," Roberto stagewhispers. "Can I go now?"

"Sure," Tabby stagewhispers, and Roberto walks off to his plane of nonexistence.

"By the way, I have no clue what Alex is saying, either," Ororo stagewhispers to Tabby.

Alex walks out of the office, reading his schedule. "…I don't get this!" he exclaims. "This weeps!" He notices Paul walking by, and grabs him by the letterman jacket. "Hey!" He holds the Paul up to the schedule. "Where am I supposed to be?"

Paul takes in Alex's attire (white tank, open Hawaiian flower-print vest, baggy blue shorts, sandals). "Hawaii?" he tries.

"No!" Alex says.

"Oh, sorry," Paul says, and tries to re-identify Alex's clothing. "…Castro?" (3)

Alex glares and throws Paul a good ten feet away. "Don't you make fun of me!" he yells, yanking up an entire section of lockers and advancing on Paul.

Jubes, walking out of a classroom, notices. "Uh, hi!" she calls hastily. "You must be new here." Alex turns around to see a cheerful Asian girl in a yellow jacket. "Hi. I'm Jubilation Lee, but please don't call me that."

"Hi," Alex grins sheepishly. (Paul takes the opportunity to run for it.) "I am. New here, I mean. Feel like such a hodad."

Jubes smiles and nods (she has no clue what he's talking about). "Welcome to Bayville," she says as Alex puts the lockers back. "So, what do you friends call you?"

"Dunno. I never had any friends," Alex admits. "But my name's Alex. Alex Masters."

"Well, Alex, I want to apologize for Paul," Jubes says, shaking his hand. "He can be a real idiot sometimes. Hey, did you need any help figuring this out?" Jubes asks, picking up the schedule.

"Yeah, please," Alex says.

"Okay," Jubes says, reading the schedule. "Your first class is right over there." She points.

"Thanks!"

"Don't worry about it," Jubes insists. "The first day's always the roughest. It gets better. I'll see you around." She waves as she walks off.

Alex smiles after her dreamily. "You sure will."

Meanwhile, Bobby's English class (or literature or whatever), they'll each be doing a scene with a partner for this drama exercise.

"You'll each be doing a scene with a partner for this drama exercise," the Arbitrary Teacher explains boredly while passing around books. "Since a few of you haven't chosen partners, I'll be pairing you up myself. Dani-"

"TARYN?" Dani demands. "I'm TARYN?"

"You get more screen time than you originally did," Tabby points out.

"True," Dani says thoughtfully.

The Arbitrary Teacher continues. "You and Edward will do Laura and Jim from The Glass Menagerie. And that leaves you," He plunks a book down on Wanda's desk, "And you." He plunks the last one down on Bobby's.

"Hm," Tabby says. "I'd forgotten about that hitch. Oh well!"

"You two will be doing Shakespeare's Henry V," the Arbitrary Teacher says. "I've marked it. Henry and Katherine, daughter of the French King."

"Lots of luck, Bobby," Edward says. "I don't think Miss Not-So-Small, Dark, and Sullen has ever said two words. You'll have to play both parts yourself."

"I would pay to see that," Tabby says. "Actually, I'd sneak in. The point is, I'd like to see that."

"So go get with your partner and rehearse," the Arbitrary Teacher finishes, flapping a hand at them. "You perform on Tuesday."

Bobby turns to face Wanda. "Hey, you okay with this?"

"I'm not afraid of you," Wanda glares.

"I didn't say you should be," Bobby says, slightly confused.

Wanda scoffs. "Just tell your weirdo friends to keep their distance this time."

"Oh, yeah, she likes you," Edward says sarcastically. "She's just playing hard to get."

"You know what, Paul?" Bobby snaps. "……………Yeah!"

Later, Alex walks into the cafeteria and loads his entire tray with food.

"Is that surfer boy tha one yah and Kurt went to see on Saturday?" she asks Jubes.

"Yeah, Alex," Jubes says. "He's okay, when he's not ripping lockers off the wall or speaking in weird surfer tongues."

Rogue wrinkles her nose at Alex's tray. "Doesn' he know those things nevah get washed?"

Pietro, meanwhile, is laughing at Bobby's pairing. "You and the Witch? Now that is a strange combination, huh?"

"Yeah," Bobby says unhappily. "I gotta play a romantic scene with a girl who thinks we tried to kill her. Man, she's gotta be some kind of actress."

"Man, you gotta invite me to the rehearsals," Pietro says.

"She'd probably heX-bolt you into a tree," Bobby points out. "Hey, you gonna eat that pudding?"

Pietro starts cracking up.

Rogue leans over to Jubes. "Whah is he laughin'?"

"Pudding!" Pietro gasps. "He said pud…and ding!" (4)

They all blink at him before scooting their chairs a little further away.

Alex, meanwhile, has found an abandoned table with various trays and half-eaten food left on it. Unfortunately, as he sits, his butt manages to miss the chair entirely and his foot knocks over the table leg, sending the half-eaten food flying at one Paul WTFshislastname's head.

There's a collective silence as Paul stands up, wiping some of the food off his face (the rest just stays there, completely defying gravity). "Bad move, Castro," he says, and he and two other Arbitrary Goons advance on poor Alex.

Jubes stands up. "Stay here, Rogue. This could get messy."

"Yeah," Rogue says. "Because that hasn' alreadeh happened."

Alex tries to stand up, but his foot slips in the medley mush of food, and he falls right back down on his chin. The crowd, being the poor mindless high schoolers that they are, immediately start laughing. That is, until Alex loses it.

"DON'T YOU SPEED BUMPS LAUGH AT ME!"

The cafeteria goes silent for two different reasons. One: fear of Alex. Two: confusion over being called a speed bump.

Then Alex grabs a hamburger and hurls it at Paul. Usually, this is where a totally cool and fun food fight would instigate. However, due to the fact that said hamburger knocks Paul off his feet and onto his back, most people do the smart thing and head for the hills. Or, you know, the nearest exit.

Jubes gets up and runs toward Alex, setting up TK shields for the food. "Alex, cut it out!" Then, just as Alex really loses it and starts swinging around a table by the leg, her foot slips in a pile of mush and she lands flat on her ass, sliding gracefully to a stop.

Right where Alex's table will most likely land.

Tabby claps her hands to her face Macaulay Culkin-style. "Omigosh, the suspense is killing me!" She drops her hands and turns to Kitty. "Hey, did you know Haley Joel Osment got arrested for drunk driving?"

Kitty gasps overdramatically. "Like, NO WAY!"

"Way," Tabby nods sagely. "It's tragic, what young actors are doing these days."

"Uh, hello?" Jubes yells. "I'm lying on a dirty cafeteria floor, here!"

"Oh, right."

A red optic blast smashes the table in Alex's hand, leaving him with only the leg. "Huh? Jubes?"

"You heard her, surfer dude," Bobby says in what he probably thinks is a hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point voice. His shades even do that hero-to-the-rescue-exclamation-point sheen. "But if you wanna fight, try me."

Jubes pushes Bobby away from her. "Back off, Bobby. I'll handle this. Everything's fine. Right, Alex?"

Alex puts the table leg down. "They shouldn't have laughed at me!"

"No, they shouldn't have," Jubes agrees. "Uh, Bobby, don't you have to get to class or something?"

"What are you talking about?" Bobby asks. "There's still half an hour of lunch le-"

Jubes silences him with a GLARE.

"Okay, okay, I gotta 'go' to 'class'," Bobby says, doing the quotey-finger thing. "But I'll be close if you need me," he says in his Drake-Bobby-Drake (5) voice. "Real. Close." Drake-Bobby-Drake shades sheen.

Jubes and Alex look at him oddly. "You…go do that," Jubes says.

Wanda watches through the glass door, then runs over to her locker and opens it as Bobby walks through the door. "Wow. You really look out for each other, don't you?"

"Yeah," Bobby says. "Yeah, we watch each others backs. Yesterday, Pietro's back got punched twice by Rogue's fist when he made some wisecrack about her hair." (6)

Wanda blinks. "O-kay…"

Ororo slams Wanda's locker shut. "What's going on here?"

"Nothing," Wanda says quickly.

"We were just talking, Principal Munroe," Bobby says.

"Then you had best stop your talking and get to class," Ororo says.

"Dude, there's still like twenty minutes le-"

Ororo silences him with a GLARE.

"Would people stop doing that??"

Back inside the caf, Jubes and Alex are having a tête-à-tête. "It's just when they laugh at me, I just wig out, you know?" Alex says.

"I understand, Alex," Jubes says, "But you've gotta learn to control yourself. You can get training."

"Yeah, right. Where?" Alex asks suspiciously.

"I learned to control my 'gifts' at the institute where I live," Jubes says (quotey-fingers and all).

"You mean, you've got powers to?" Alex asks.

Jubes nods and sends a chair smashing into a wall. "Whoa, cool!" Alex exclaims. "You can really pound people with that!"

"No, that's what we learn not to do," Jubes says.

"And yet you demonstrate by smashing a chair," Tabby puts in. "Riiiight."

Jubes ignores her. "That's what the Xavier Institute is all about. Control. I'd love to take you sometime. I know the professor would like to meet you."

"Not really!" Magsy yells from where he is sitting surrounded by spoons.

Jubes and Alex blink at him. "Well, I've gotta run," Jubes says. "Catch ya later."

After Jubes leaves, Alex notices her abandoned backpack. More importantly, he notices the photo stuck in the front pocket of her and Bobby. He rips the photo down the middle and drops Bobby's half on the floor, crumpling it beneath his sandal.

……………

(1) – Have any of you seen the TV show Hercules based off the Disney movie? (Kind of like Emperor's New School, except I refuse to watch ENS…no David Spade). It used to show on Toon Disney. I dunno about anymore. Anyway, in one of the eps, after Herc does something cool, Cassandra's like, "Wow. Herc's strong." And Icarus is like, "Abnormally so."

(2) – Dude, it totally looked like she was trying to seduce him or something. I was getting seriously weirded out.

(3) – That's like, the gay mecca of San Francisco. I know what you're thinking…the whole place is gay. Well, that's where it's like, REALLY gay.

(4) – Cosmo from Fairly Odd Parents. I love Cosmo.

(5) – Bobby's version of Bond. James Bond. If you don't know who that is…wow. WOW. If Scott!Bobby does any more funny looks/lines/shade sheens, then I'll make up names for them as we go along.

(6) – Inspired by Men In Tights. "Watch my back!" "Your back just got punched twice."

Alright, here's a glossary of all Alex's Surfer Lingo:

Barney – someone not too skilled at surfing.

Hodaddy – poser surfer.

Weeps – sucks; something really lame.

Hodad – a beginner; pretty much same as a barney.

Speed Bump – a kook that gets in the way of surfers, cannot duck dive, and ends up getting run over or sprayed.