Chapter Seventeen
This was not Marissa's first time in labor, but nothing was the same as it was with Garrett and Cooper. The pain seemed more intense, deeper, more memorable. The contractions were closer together and the labor was progressing much faster than she ever remembered it with either of the boys, and they had both been quick births. The baby seemed larger, and, although the boys had not been small, she probably was larger, because Ryan had seen to it that she ate everything she was supposed to. However, compared to the biggest difference with this delivery, these all seemed minor and trivial. This time, with this baby, Marissa was not alone.
She had someone there to hold her hand, whisper encouraging words into her ear, and wipe her sweaty brow. She had someone to kiss her when it was over, to tell her that he loved her, to beam out of pride and joy when his child was placed in his arms for the first time. She had someone to watch over her while she recuperated, someone to sit by her side while she was in bed, someone to discuss the utter perfection of the life they had created together. She had love from someone, had love to give to someone, and they had a shared loved for the baby she was delivering. She had Ryan.
But he was no where in sight…..
Ryan thought that nothing could seem as endless and slow as the drive to the hospital, but he was wrong. Filling out paperwork, situating the boys, and changing into his scrubs were taking longer than their hellish trip to the hospital. Marissa had screamed in pain, the boys had cowered in fright at the sight of their Mother so miserable, and Ryan had felt completely helpless. He tried to reassure Garrett and Cooper that their Mom would be fine, but as soon as he had them calmed down, another contraction would hit and her fresh waves of whimpers would scare them all over again. He tried to sooth her pain, but there was nothing he could do to speed up her labor, and, to be honest, he did not want to. Delivering a baby was supposed to take hours; all the books had told him that, but Marissa's pace was much faster than he had been prepared for, and, suddenly, all the notes he had made in secret for himself were completely irrelevant.
Luckily, for all of them, Marissa remained calm the entire time. When they got to the hospital, she told Garrett to get her a wheelchair and sat down, taking her and the baby's bag from Cooper's hands and holding it while she waited for someone to show her to a room. Patiently, she told Ryan again exactly what he needed to do, and, as she was wheeled off, a smile, unbelievably on her radiant face, he heard her giggling softly while she and the nurse chatted amiable. With her voice running through his head, he had set to work.
First, while Cooper and Garrett sat quietly, practically sleeping in their chairs, waited, he filled out the paper work. It took longer than it should have, because he could not get his hand to quit shaking. Eventually, his nerves so high strung, a kind desk nurse had to take the forms from him and fill them out while he answered the questions verbally. Even then she had to rattle him out of his thoughts by repeating a question or speaking slightly louder. In what seemed to be a repeating pattern, he heard the amused nurse laugh softly to herself as he and the boys walked away.
Having already arranged it with the staff, the boys were allowed to stay in the waiting room on the maternity floor. Thankfully, the hospital was relatively quiet that night, so the boys had been able to go back to sleep after Ryan went back down to the car and grabbed their camping gear, bringing them pillows and sleeping bags. Tucking them into their makeshift beds on the floor, Ryan promised them both that he would come and wake them up as soon as he had news. With one last glance back at the two boys who were already nodding off to dreamland before he left the room, Ryan had quickly made his way to change into his scrubs, another task that would prove to be more challenging than he had predicted.
Granted, his hands were still shaking, making it difficult to unbutton his shirt, but he just could not focus. His mind was fluttering over every concern he had, whether or not both Marissa and the baby would be healthy, how the boys would adjust to a little sister, if he was going to be a good father or not. Sure, he loved both Garrett and Cooper, thought of them as his own sons, but babies were different. He'd never even held a baby before. Yet, while his mind would not give him a moment's peace, his heart was swollen with pure happiness. Ryan was not the type of man who had felt this often. If he was honest with himself, he'd admit that it had only happened a handful of times in the past, and each and every time they involved Marissa, and here he was again, actually happy, and he did not know how to act. It was as if his body was frozen with anticipation, both good and bad, and all he could do was breathe. He was about to be a father….with Marissa, the only person in his whole life he knew for sure had loved him.
Lost in thought and dreams, he was startled when there was a sudden knock at the door and an impatient voice calling out for him.
"Mr. Atwood, if you're going to be there to see your baby born, I suggest you come now unless you plan on staying in there until the next time your fiancé gives birth." Voice softer, the nurse continued, "she's asking for you," before slipping away so quickly, she was out of sight by the time Ryan had the door open. Sprinting down the hall, all his concerns and ideas vanished. Marissa needed him, his daughter needed him, they both needed him.
He heard Marissa yelling before he saw her, the screams guttural and agonizing, making him run even faster. It didn't matter that he didn't know what he was going to do, he knew he had to do something to make the labor easier on her, and he realized, the moment he rushed through the doors slightly out of breath, his hands clammy from excitement, nerves, and anticipation, and saw her pain filled face immediately break into a smile, that just being there was enough for her. As sad as it was, she had never had that before, and he intended to remain at her side for as long as she wanted him to.
"I'm sorry I took so long," Ryan apologized as he took one of her hands in his and kissed it. Brushing her sweat dampened hair off of her brow, he continued, "I couldn't seem to hold a pen steady long enough to fill out your medical forms, so the nurse had to write it for me, and then I got the boys tucked in and myself changed, but I couldn't….."
"Ryan," Marissa panted out, her patience thin, "Shut up! I don't….care….where you….were," she struggled to say, her breathing heavy and sporadic. "You're here….now."
Smiling down at her, Ryan didn't even mind when she dug her sharp nails into his hand as another contraction hit. It was as if he couldn't even feel the pain. Kissing her forehead one last time, he stood up and started helping her through her breathing techniques, his mind working on autopilot while he watched her utterly fascinated by everything that was happening. He wanted to savor the moment so that someday he could remember every little detail about it. Startling him out of his thoughts, a doctor hurried into the room already prepared for delivery.
"Hello, Marissa, I'm Doctor McAdams. We paged your regular ob-gyn when you got here, but you're moving too quickly. I'm going to have to deliver your baby for you," the sixty year old, kind, well qualified and practiced man told them.
By this point Marissa did not care who was delivering their daughter; she just wanted the labor to be over with, while Ryan just became even more nervous as more of his concrete plan, a plan that was based upon his notes taken from numerous books, was further chipped away. There was no need for him to worry though, because by the time his brain had accepted the fact that a different doctor was delivering their child, a doctor he had never met or even heard of before, he heard a voice calling for him.
"What's her name, Dad," the same nurse who retrieved him from the bathroom before asked as she handed the tiny baby, wrapped only in an equally tiny pink blanket, over to him. Somehow he had managed to do everything right. How, he had no idea, and, frankly, he had little recollection, but his daughter was safely in his arms and Marissa was smiling up at him, her eyes already heavy with sleep, her hands still entwined with his.
"Yeah, Daddy," she cooed out softly, so softly it seemed as if she was already falling into a deep sleep, pure exhaustion taking over, "what's her name?"
Looking down at his daughter, Ryan knew her name instantly. There was no need to think about it. She just was who she was. Sharing a glance with Marissa first before he retuned his eyes to the little girl in his arms, he spoke in a gentle, proud tone, "Loren Shae Atwood."
"Come on, sleepyheads," Ryan playfully ordered, ruffling Cooper's hair as he walked past the younger boy. "Time to rise and shine. We have a busy day in front of us."
It was 10:00 in the morning, and, although he had only gotten a few hours of sleep, Ryan had never felt so energized in his life. There was so much he wanted to do. They had to introduce the boys to Loren and spend some time with Garrett and Cooper since they would be in the hospital for another night. He thought he would take them home, let them shower and change, grab some toys, perhaps play in the park with them for a little while. Sure, he didn't want to leave his girls, but the two boys could not remain cooped up in a hospital all day long. It would be good for both of them to get out and get some fresh air.
Then, when they got back, they would all eat dinner together in Marissa's room, and he could spend another night, sleeping occasionally, just staring at his fiancé and their innocent, perfect, little girl. He wasn't sure if he would ever tire of looking at them. Watching Marissa breast feed Loren, watching them cuddle together, Marissa whispering and singing soft lullabies to her the entire time, watching them form an unbreakable bond that only mothers and daughters can understand, it was the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. Little did he know that, to Marissa, watching Ryan interact with his daughter made her whole world stop moving, peace engulfing her entire being while everything just seemed to make sense when they were together.
Speaking up, Cooper snapped Ryan out of the trance he was in. "Ryan," the precocious little boy asked, "can we go see Mom yet?"
"Actually," Ryan began sitting down between the two boys who were now awake and attentive, "I thought we'd head down to the cafeteria first. Your Mom is feeding the baby right now, so we'll eat while they eat, and then we'll go run some errands and come back to see her when everyone is full and clean." Looking at them curiously, he asked. "How much do you remember about what I told you this morning when I woke you up with the news?"
"You woke us up," Cooper asked confused making his older brother laugh.
"Mommy had a girl," Garrett answered Ryan. "And you named her Loren, right?"
Standing up with the two boys, he started walking out of the room, his arms slung around their shoulders affectionately. "Exactly, and it's now obvious to me that I should never talk to Cooper when he's sleeping." Pulling the younger boy in for a small hug as they continued walking, the three of them laughed until Garrett stopped dead in his tracks.
"Uh…Ryan, aren't we forgetting something?"
Looking around confused, Ryan checked his back pocket for his wallet. "I have money," he said out loud as if he was thinking through an imaginary check list. "You're both with me, the nurses don't care if we leave your blankets and pillows in the room, and I was just with your Mom and Loren, and they're fine. What are we forgetting?"
"We're still in our pajamas," Garret answered with a quiet laugh. "Are we allowed to wear them to the cafeteria?"
Motioning for the two boys to come along, Ryan repositioned his arms around them as they made their way down the hallway. "Garrett, most people walk around this place in their backless hospital gowns….without any underwear on. I think you and your brother are safe."
The boys giggled as they made their way to the elevators, finding Ryan's comment to be one of the funniest things they've ever heard and making sure their eyes avoided the backs of patients, Ryan laughed silently at the two boys, finding their mirth captivating and amusing and letting his eyes stray from one to the other, and the nurses all smiled at all three of the boys, finding their connection amazing and joining their eyes together in knowing looks.
Seeing her two little boys walk timidly through her hospital door put a wide smile on Marissa's face, a smile made even larger when her eyes caught those of her fiancé. Time stood still as they just watched each other. No words were needed. Smiling at her one last time, he slipped back out of the room, giving Cooper and Garrett some alone time with their Mom while he went to get Loren from the nursery.
Patting the bed, Marissa sat up slowly, still in pain from labor, so her sons could join her. They sat down gingerly, obviously nervous about hurting her, but when she settled back in the bed with a boy to each side of her, her arms placed carefully around their lean little bodies, they relaxed into her embrace, savoring the feeling of their Mother's nearness. Neither would admit to anything, but both had been beyond frightened the night before. The last time they had seen their Mom she had been crying out of discomfort and screaming in pain. Their little minds did not know this was normal for a woman in labor. Pain, at that level, to them, was always something bad. It was a relief to see her happy, smiling, and, if not comfortable, at least not in agony any longer.
"Did you sleep okay in the waiting room," Marissa broke through the silence, the concerned mother always. "I'm sorry about dragging you here, but there was nowhere else you could go. Q might be a great pet, but she's no Nana. There will be no babysitting for that dog!"
"Well, I'll be eleven this year," Garrett pointed out thoughtfully while Cooper giggled at Marissa's comment. "That's almost a teenager, so I'll be able to watch Cooper and the baby soon."
"Yeah, we'll see about that," Marissa responded, her voice calm but her eyes expressing the sheer fear she felt at the idea that her baby, her first born, would soon be old enough to baby-sit his younger siblings. "So, what do you think of the baby's name," she asked, changing the subject. There was no way she was discussing the idea of Garrett as a teenager any longer.
"It's okay," Cooper dismissed quickly, making it obvious that he could care less about his little sister's name. "When do we get to see her?"
"Ryan went to get her. They'll be back soon," Marissa answered. "What about you though Garrett, what do you think of the name?"
"I like Shae," he answered her, his eyes lighting up with recognition. "Do you know that there is a baseball player with that name? He used to play for the Red Sox."
Laughing, Marissa rolled her eyes and responded, "I have heard that around before." Kissing her son's forehead quickly, she looked in his eyes as she spoke again, slowly, meaningfully. "You are so much like Ryan," making the little boy beam out of pride.
Dragging her eyes away from her oldest child's, Marissa changed the subject again. "But you've both had breakfast and lunch, and Ryan took you home to shower and change, right?"
"Yes, he did," Ryan answered for himself, walking into the room with Loren fit securely in his arms. Kissing Marissa softly on the lips and eliciting moans of complaint from both Garrett and Cooper, Ryan handed her their daughter. "She told me she wanted her Mommy."
Looking from her fiancé to her daughter, Marissa teased, "I bet she did," but their moment was interrupted by a curious Cooper.
"She's really little, Mom, and you were really big!" Ryan couldn't help but bite back a laugh at the child's naiveté when it came to women. "How much does she weigh," Cooper pressed on. "I bet Garret and I were never that small."
"Actually, you were smaller than Loren, both of you were. She was seven pounds, four ounces, and she's taller than the two of you were, too. She's 21 inches, but you, Cooper were only 19 inches, and Garrett was 20."
"Which of us does she look like more, Mom," Garrett asked curious, his index finger gently rubbing his sister's balled tiny fist.
"I don't think she looks like either of you," Marissa answered, looking adoringly at her daughter. "She looks like her Daddy."
"But with her Mom's nose, thankfully," Ryan joked.
While the three more mature family members continued to examine the new addition to their household, Cooper was bored and eager to turn the conversation back to something he was interested in. Suddenly speaking out, his voice loud, he startled Loren and made Marissa cringe slightly at his voice level. "Do you know that people wear backless gowns around here, Mom, and that they don't wear underwear? Ryan told us."
Shaking her head in exasperation, she just laughed. "And aren't we all glad he enlightened you about that little piece of hospital trivia? I can only imagine what kind of trouble you two will get into with that information."
Ryan merely shrugged his shoulders at Marissa and grinned before turning to Garrett and Cooper. "Why don't the two of you go and sneak in the surprise we got for your Mom," he suggested, winking slyly.
Jumping off the bed, both boys ran out of the room in a hurry, leaving Ryan and Marissa alone with just Loren. Moving to her side, Ryan sat down beside his girls, putting his arm protectively around Marissa.
"I don't even want to know what you fed them today to make them so hyper," she laughed. "Did you have fun in the park though?"
"They had fun; I kept checking my watch, but they needed the time to play. How was your nap?"
"Refreshing, but boring." Leaning her head against his chest, she whispered, "we missed you while you were gone."
"Same here," he softly replied back to her, his breath on her face making her sigh in contentment. Their moment did not last for long as the boys came back in with illegal contraband, Chinese takeout, but it was a good interruption. While Marissa, Garrett, and Cooper ate and talked, Ryan held Loren as she slept. He could eat anytime, but he could only experience this exact moment once.
The next few days passed by smoothly. Surprisingly, everyone adjusted to life with a newborn easily. Although they could not afford for Ryan to miss work, Marissa had the boys to keep her company and help her with Loren. Soon, before anyone knew it, a day had turned into a week, and in a blink of an eye, July was over and it was time for Garrett and Cooper to go to Newport for their first visit with Gerry since the divorce was finalized. Marissa had put it off as long as possible, claiming it was impossible for them to leave until after she had the baby and they were all settled into their new life, but three weeks after Loren's birth, she couldn't use that excuse any longer. Even though there would be a court appointed nanny with the boys the entire time they were with Gerry, she did not want to be separated from them for even a single day. Having the baby had just seemed to make her even closer to her two sons.
They did not want to go either. Besides the fact that neither boy exactly liked their father, they had lives in San Francisco now, a family with not just a Mom like they used to have but a baby sister, a dog, and, the biggest difference, Ryan. They had friends in their neighborhood, adventures to be realized, trouble to get into. The idea of going back to their old life not only was unappealing, but frightened them as well.
Gerry's plane was supposed to land in an hour, the nanny coming with him because he was not allowed to be alone with boys without supervision. Garrett and Cooper were in the backyard playing frisbee, trying desperately to forget about their imminent trip. It was not working so well. Ryan was in the nursery, changing Loren and worrying about Marissa who was in their room, in bed, silently crying. She was depressed about the boys leaving. The only thing that could cheer her up was Loren's big, brilliant blue eyes staring dreamily back at her.
"Knock, knock," Ryan said softly, peeking his head in the doorway of his and Marissa's room before walking inside, Loren awake in his arms. "We came to see how you were feeling. Are you hungry? I could make you something."
"No thanks," Marissa replied listlessly, smiling up at Ryan, but the expression was lacking in sincerity. He knew she was miserable, and she knew she couldn't hide it from him.
"What about a movie," he offered unwilling to give up yet. "I'll even let you pick, no complaining, promise. Just you, me, and Loren; we'll snuggle up together in bed all night. We'll eat popcorn and candy; she'll have breast milk, not my personal favorite, but I do like how it's served. What do you say?"
Rolling back over, she responded, "maybe later."
"Okay," Ryan conceded, standing up and kissing her hair softly before starting to walk away, Loren's soft cries stopping him and making Marissa sit up.
"I'll take her, Ryan," she offered, her hands already outstretched to hold their daughter. "Go spend some time with the boys before they leave. We'll save you a spot on the bed for later."
He knew she was just agreeing to watch the movie for his sake, but he would take what he could get and walked out of the room. Marissa could hear him rummaging around in Garrett's room, she assumed he was looking for some piece of sporting equipment, but she didn't pay much attention. She just watched her daughter lay contently in her arms, her soft features the essence of tranquility and sweetness. Lost in thought, she never heard the phone ring or Ryan answer it, but slowly his voice crept into her consciousness until the point where she was interested in what he was saying and listening intently.
"Are you running late," she heard Ryan ask whoever was on the line. "What do you mean you're not coming? It took us forever to plan this date." As he paused again, her mind feverishly ran over the possibilities of who he could be talking to. "No, it's fine. Actually, it's better than fine. To be honest, they didn't want to come and we didn't want them to go, but, so we can be prepared, what dates are you thinking of now for the visit?"
That's all she needed to hear to know her boys were going nowhere. It wasn't the first time their father didn't live up to his promises and it wouldn't be the last, but Garrett and Cooper did not need a disinterested father, because they had Ryan for a Dad. Kissing Loren's chubby cheek, she giggled exuberantly. "Looks like it's going to be a party for five now, baby, instead of three, but we don't mind, do we? No we don't, no we don't," she repeated in a childish voice, rubbing her nose with her daughter's.
"So, the visit has been indefinitely postponed," she suddenly heard Ryan's voice again, her smile growing even wider at his words. "Works for me," he replied abruptly. She could picture the grin on his face as he walked to their room to share the good news with her, so excited he still held the phone in his hand. And just like that, another piece of the puzzle fell into place as their family became one step closer to never being separated again.