Chapter Nineteen
Between work, classes, the boys' school activities, football games, and doctor appointments for Loren, not to mention the various holidays and birthdays, the fall seemed to slip away between Marissa's fingers and disappear in a blink of an eye, the long days of sunshine and cheer exchanged for clouds and rain as Christmas was ushered into northern California. On top of everything else, she had been planning a wedding, a simple affair when compared to the standards of others, but with their busy lives it just added to the stress Marissa felt. She hid it well, not even Ryan realized how stressed she was, but even more than the wedding, because, at this point it was just a formality for she already felt as if she was Mrs. Ryan Atwood, she was looking forward to relaxing, no work, no courses, no commitments for a whole long weekend in New York City with the four people she cared the most for in the whole world. First, they had to get there though.
While Ryan and the boys were out picking up supplies for Q for while they were away, she was finishing the packing, double checking to see that they had everything they would need and probably more than was necessary. Traveling with three children, especially one who was just turning six months the next week, was a daunting task to say the least. Startling her out of her revelry, she heard the innocent sounds of her daughter waking on the baby monitor which sat on her nightstand, and made her way across the hall to the nursery, a smile immediately taking over her face at the sight of Loren. Picking her up, Marissa kissed her forehead softly, closing her eyes briefly as she just savored the feeling of her baby in her arms, before they went back to her room to continue packing.
"Mommy's doing the right thing, right angel," Marissa asked her daughter even though she knew she would never answer. She just needed to hear her own thoughts out loud in order to sort them out. "Everything's going to fine. We're going to get married, and your Daddy will open up to me about his past eventually. I know he will." Her words were resolute, but the secret doubts she had been harboring for more than three months continued to taunt her mind, creeping up on her when she least expected it.
Most of the time, Marissa forgot the haunting words her mother had voiced that fateful afternoon in September, but when she would least expect it, the nagging doubts would returns to her, making her question if in fact ignoring her queries was the best idea. She could be doing laundry, checking the pockets of Ryan's pants to make sure he hadn't left something in them that would either be destroyed or would destroy the washer if washed, and she would suddenly remember her uncertainty she lived with. He had a nasty habit of leaving nails and screws in his jeans, and washing metal could not be good for a washer. So, out of habit, she would check not only his pockets but the boys' as well, because they were beginning to emulate their soon-to-be stepfather in both good and bad ways. Innocently, one day she pulled out Ryan's wallet, and her mind immediately flashed to what she knew was inside of it: a treasure trove of information she could use to find out every particle of his past, his license number, his social security card, his birth certificate. Silently berating herself, she had left the wallet closed, returned it her fiancé with a smirk at his forgetfulness, and ignored her urges to look into his past.
The other times her doubts would re-emerge would be just as innocent and they would surprise her every time. Someone would mention their dislike for their Mother-in-law and she would realize that not only had she not met her future one, but she didn't even know her name. She would see signs for family reunions and suddenly remember that not only would her kids not know their mother's family because it was safer to keep them away from them, but they would never know their Dad's either, because he had never even mentioned having one. She would be shopping for Loren, looking for new clothes since she seemed to grow out of her outfits faster than Marissa could buy them, and she would stumble upon a little, tiny, adorable t-shirt that read 'I love my Grandpa' and Marissa would be hit with another reminder of the fact that Ryan had never told her anything about his Father. Every time one of these moments would strike her, filling her with doubt, worry, and suspicion, she would push it aside, ignore it, fight the urge to investigate. It was Ryan after all, her Ryan, the man she had fallen for so quickly and effortlessly, feelings that would not change no matter what his family history consisted of. At this point, it was impossible for her not to love him, but that didn't mean she wasn't curious.
Sighing, she kissed Loren again before shaking off her thoughts and returning to the suitcases which were spread across the bed she shared with Ryan, the bed she knew they would make love in countless times, the bed they would conceive their future children in, the bed they would share their most intimate moments in, and went over the mental checklist she had made to make sure everything was packed. Each adult, each child, had their own suitcase, just to make it easier to pack and locate things later, and their formal wear, her wedding dress, Ryan's suit, and the kids' dress clothes for the wedding, were all in a garment bag hanging up on their bedroom door. There were three good outfits for each day they would be in New York City, play clothes, three pairs of pajamas, and plenty of other clothing necessities for each person, extra clothes included for the three kids. Loren's bag was filled to the capacity with diapers, wipes, powder, bottle supplies, toys, blankets, and every other baby necessity they could possibly need, and she had both Ryan's and her own toiletries bag packed. She even had a little surprise hidden away for Ryan for their wedding night. It might be unconventional to take your kids with you on your honeymoon, but, at this point, they had not done anything normally, and it worked for them. However, that did not mean she and Ryan were going to forfeit the perfect first night they would spend together officially as husband and wife.
Determining that everything was packed, she zipped all the suitcases, picking up the first one and carrying it in her left hand as she held Loren with her right and made her way down the stairs to start the mundane and repetitive task of piling their luggage by the front door for Ryan to load in her SUV when he and the boys returned. "Why did Mommy volunteer to do this, Loren," she asked her smiling baby girl, only receiving a puzzled expression for a response.
It worked though, making Marissa giggle and affectionately embrace her daughter, the moment they shared enough to make her forget her worries and concerns and just focus on the present. She was getting married….to the man she loved, the man who was the perfect Dad, the man who made her go weak in the knees whenever he did something as simple as smile at her, and that was all that mattered. Nothing was going to ruin this trip, this celebration, this declaration of her love for Ryan.
Carrying the luggage downstairs took Marissa fifteen minutes, and although she could have put Loren down to make the task easier, the idea had never even entered her mind. She relished every second she got to spend with her daughter, her baby girl who was growing so quickly. Marissa could see subtle changes in her daily, and the thought of Loren not wanting to be held, of going off on her own crawling and eventually walking, exploring the world, though inevitable, saddened Marissa and made her savor every moment she got to hold her youngest child. True, she and Ryan had decided a long time ago, even when she was still pregnant with Loren, that there would be more children, but the birth of a new child could not replace the one who was maturing before her very eyes.
As they deposited the last bag beside the front door, an exhausted Marissa collapsed onto the couch to play with her daughter while she waited for her fiancé and sons to return home. "Are you excited to see snow, Loren," Marissa asked her daughter, tickling her in the process to get the little girl to giggle. It was unconventional to go to New York City in the winter, leaving the warm weather for the cool winds and crisp storms of a seasonal climate, especially for what would be their honeymoon, but despite their initial ideas to get married on a beach, perhaps in Hawaii or the Bahamas, Marissa and Ryan had eventually settled on New York City, for two main reasons. For one, the flight would be much shorter, and the idea of traveling across the Pacific Ocean with an eleven year old, a nine year old, and a six month old baby was something that neither of them wanted to do. Plus, the boys had never seen snow before, and this trip was not only about them; it was for their whole family. Ryan and Marissa could be happy anywhere as long as they had each other and their kids, but they wanted both Garrett and Cooper to enjoy the vacation as well.
Hearing her car pull in the driveway, Marissa stood up with Loren in her arms and looked around the living room one last time, the remnants of the holiday season still on display. Their tree still stood proudly in the corner of the living room, decorations still displayed, though the bottom half was slightly less festive as Q had taken off all the tinsel to play with it despite Marissa's best efforts to keep her paws off the golden strands, the various presents the boys were less enthused about, mainly clothes, were still spread out underneath the tree waiting to be put away, and their stockings still hung on the fireplace mantel though the gifts had long been removed from inside of them. Neither she nor Ryan had been ambitious enough to clean up the mess from the day before, so they had decided to leave the decorations out, the unwrapped presents displayed, the house a mess while they went on their trip; it would wait for when they returned.
"Hey beautiful," Ryan greeted her with a soft kiss as he walked through the door, the smile which had been on his face for weeks still radiating at her. If it were possible, he was even more excited about their wedding than she was. Not just because he was finally making Marissa his wife, but because now he would officially be Garrett and Cooper's step-dad. "And how was Daddy's little girl," he asked Loren, pinching her smooth, pink, chubby cheeks playfully. "Were you good for your Mommy?"
"Perfect as always," Marissa answered for her daughter, returning Ryan's affectionate embrace with one of her own as she kissed him on her way out the door. "I'm going to go and put her in her seat while you load the car. Where are the boys?"
Picking up a couple of suitcases, Ryan followed Marissa out the front door while he answered her. "They're out in the back playing with Q for the last few minutes before we leave." As Marissa strapped Loren into her car-seat, rolling her eyes at her sons' excessive behavior towards the family dog, Ryan continued. "We stopped and picked up a new bag of food and some treats for the neighbor to give Q while we're gone, so she should have plenty of supplies and swung by their house to give them last minute instructions as to what they'll have to do, giving them the key to get in."
"Ryan," Marissa said in an amused tone, "they have a dog of their own. I'm sure they'll be able to handle Q. As long as she has food, she'll be happy. It's not as if they'll have to walk her or anything. She's so lazy, we can barely get her to go anywhere, let alone strangers. Besides, we're only going to be gone for three days," she added thoughtfully. "I'd be surprised if Q even realized we were away."
Ryan merely laughed with her as he went back inside to make another trip out to the car with their suitcases. Five minutes later, the SUV was completely loaded, Garrett and Cooper had said their final goodbye to Q, and they were backing out of the driveway, the three kids securely seated in the backseats and Ryan and Marissa up front, hands joined together in a simple, sweet embrace, as they shared excited, knowing glances with each other, anticipating what the next day would bring them.
Standing outside the doors to the sanctuary of St. Paul's Cathedral, Marissa could hardly contain her excitement and need to forget propriety and run down the aisle to her family, to Ryan, her anticipation knowing no limits. She couldn't wait to become Mrs. Ryan Atwood. Her body was slightly shaking she was so thrilled. Although neither she nor Ryan were catholic, they had arranged to be married in the very famous church in Manhattan because she had always found it beautiful. Plus, she had always loved the scene in Miracle on 34th Street where the couple got married in that church on Christmas Eve. True, it was not Christmas Eve, but she and Ryan were making a family together just as that couple was, and she found the similarities between the two ceremonies, one fictional the other as real as a wedding could get, to be magical, like a fairytale come true.
Taking one last look at her gown, a simple, v-neck crepe back satin sheath dress with organdy, lace, and a veiled tulle godet-train, and making sure that her hair was still upswept neatly before the soft strains of the bridal march began to play, she pushed open the heavy antique doors to walk the long length of the magnificent church to join her family, her joyous face shining with natural beauty and love. The picture she made was breathtaking.
Smiling first at her three children and then locking eyes with Ryan, Marissa knew that this moment could not be any more perfect than it was. This is what they had been building towards since the very first meeting they had eighteen months earlier in the backyard of her former house, both laden down with groceries, their connection and attraction to each other evident even then. The boys were in dress pants and oxford shirts, tie-less because Marissa knew they would drive them crazy and they would fidget the whole ceremony, pulling on the silk accessories if she made them wear them. Loren was in an adorable little dress, a deep, sapphire blue velvet dress fit for a princess with little matching bloomers underneath. Perhaps sensing the important nature of the day, she had even let Marissa put a bow in her hair. Ryan, dressed in a suit, his tie matching Loren's dress, stood at the front of the church with his little girl in his arms, completing the dream vision Marissa had imagined for her wedding day. As she joined them, kissing all three of her children softly, Ryan handed Loren to Garrett, and the children sat down in the pew in the front of the church to watch their parents get married, while Marissa joined her hands with Ryan's, their eyes locking, blue on blue, matching smiles gracing both of their faces.
They had elected to use a simple, non-religious ceremony, for the vows were more a symbol of their union than sacred spiritual prayers in their opinion, the final step in joining them together as man and wife. Technically, they were already married, for they had gone to the courthouse the week before and signed their marriage license with witnesses, but they needed this service for their memories and to show their children how special their love truly was. Besides, Marissa had already had the large, expensive, over-the-top wedding with Gerry, and that had turned out to be a disaster, and Ryan had never been one for show. This intimate observance of their commitment was the ideal wedding for the both of them.
Surprising her, Ryan signaled for Cooper to join him on the alter, and as she watched the little boy hand him two rings, she gasped in shock, eliciting soft giggles from her sons as they knew she had not been expecting such lavish wedding bands. Although she and Ryan had picked out two simple, white gold bands for each other, he had exchanged hers and purchased two diamond bands to match her engagement ring and as he slipped them on her ring finger, one before her engagement ring and one after, he kissed her hand delicately, his eyes sparkling with merriment and mischief, making her impatient for the moment when she could kiss her husband. Rushing, she put his ring on his finger and anxiously fidgeted while the minister finally declared them man and wife. Before Ryan could even move, she had leaned in to kiss him, their embrace passionate and loving, confident and lasting. It was another of their perfect moments.
Because the day was not just about Ryan and Marissa, they had planned numerous activities for their whole family, so once the ceremony was over, they took a cab back to their hotel, changed, and went out into the city for the afternoon. It had been years since Marissa had been there, and it was the first time for the rest of the family to explore the city that never sleeps, so she wanted to show them her favorite sights. But first, per Garrett and Cooper's request, they had to go to Rockefeller Square not only to gaze at the large Christmas tree but to skate.
Ryan and Marissa took turns on the ice with the boys. While the other would skate, they would care for Loren. Although they could have worn a baby carrier and went onto the ice with her, the thought of skating with their six month old daughter scared them both, so that idea was quickly disregarded. Surprising her, Ryan was a natural at ice skating despite claiming to never even having seen an ice skating rink before, pronouncing that it must be his natural athletic ability shining through, making the boys snicker and Marissa roll her eyes, disclaiming his assertion as pure beginners luck. As the boys skated on, ignoring their parents, Ryan and Marissa, the typical newlyweds had kissed and laughed together, their daughter squirming in her arms, in a secluded corner of the rink; those skating by them tolerating their displays of affection with amused smiles or sighs of jealous longing. To anyone who would glance at the young, exultant, glowing couple, it was evident just how in love they were.
Time was merely a passing thought for Ryan and Marissa as the morning hours slipped by, but to Garrett and Cooper, growing boys, and Loren, an impatient infant, lapsing time meant hungry bellies, so they retired back to their hotel room, brought their lunch with them, and re-energized for the rest of the afternoon. It was an unconventional wedding dinner, each person choosing a portion of the meal, but they enjoyed it. Ryan had wanted hotdogs, loaded with all the sides, from one of the numerous street vendors, so on their way back to the hotel, they had purchased four and kept them wrapped and warm until they got to their room. Marissa had wanted New York style cheesecake, something that can only be truly experienced when in the city, but they had picked up two of those, one for their lunch and one for her and Ryan later to partake in the traditional cutting of the wedding cake. While Garrett had requested hot pretzels with cheese sauce to dip them in, Cooper, ever the original, had asked for bloomin' onions, leading them on a search around the city for his particular demand all because he had seen one on television recently and wanted to try it. Luckily, not only had he liked it, but they all had.
While they ate, Marissa had put Loren down for a short nap. Though she slept longer than their lunch lasted, the boys and Ryan had lounged around on the bed stuffed full of food and relaxed watching reruns of classic holiday movies while they waited for Loren to wake. Once she did, Marissa fed and changed her, and Garrett, Cooper, and Ryan all put on their play clothes, readying themselves for Central Park and the epic snowball fight they had planned. The family of five, dressed and eager to play, left their hotel for more adventures in the winter wonderland of 'The Big Apple.'
Before they could have their battle of wills with snowballs, they had to build their forts, Ryan on his own to fight against the two boys who were determined to crush him and be declared victor by their Mom, for she and Loren were the judges, there to not only proclaim the winner but to watch for illegal maneuvers and flagrant violations of the rules. While they worked on, Marissa played with Loren in the snow, sitting the little girl down in the powdery, white blankets on the ground of the park and letting her feel it for herself, with more than one tiny fist full making it to her mouth.
Somewhere in the middle of the mêlée, all three boys had decided that no clear cut winner was in sight, and, silently, they all agreed to team up against Marissa, belting her with three snowballs simultaneously. She had yelled and complained, stomped her foot and pouted in mock annoyance, but before she could even attempt to go after them for retribution, Garrett had plucked Loren out of her arms, holding her safely, while he watched Ryan pick Marissa up and carry her over his shoulder to the large snow pile the three of them had made, dropping her into it amongst her peels of laughter and shrieks of giggles. Cooper watched on, smirking the entire time, but turned away and rolled his eyes when his parents, once again, made the most of the playful opportunity and joined together as one in a deliciously decedent, newlywed kiss, only separating when they heard Loren fussing in the background wanting her Mom again.
The boys played on together after Marissa took over the duties, once again, of holding Loren, sitting on a bench and rocking her back and forth in her arms, her body heat helping to keep the little girl warm, as she snuggled contentedly into her Mom's arms, the layers and layers of clothes she had on making her warm and comfortable. While her daughter slept, Marissa watched Ryan, Garrett, and Cooper build a snowman, make snow angels, and go sled riding. Observing them, she could tell just how much they loved the snow, and she knew they would be making numerous trips to the mountains in winters to come so the kids could play in the snow, perhaps even learning how to ski and snowboard.
A couple of hours later, physically exhausted, cold, wet, and ready for a break, the family of five retired to their hotel once again where they all showered, changed back into their clothes from earlier in the day, and sat down to a much more formal meal in their hotel room. Because Loren was still nursing, Marissa did not particularly want to go out to eat, so they ate in their room, ordering up a hearty, warm dinner to refresh and rejuvenate the tired family. After putting Loren down for another nap, Marissa was surprised to enter her and Ryan's part of their suite and find the three boys sleeping together on their bed, dead to the world, their afternoon activities fatiguing them. Laughing to herself, she shut the door that separated the two rooms quietly and curled up in the boys' bed and took a small nap herself.
As nightfall was descending upon the bustling city, Ryan was the first to awake, sitting up in the dim room and searching for Marissa….his wife. Getting out of bed and not making a noise so as to leave the two boys asleep, he crept out of the room and into the adjoining bedroom to find his wife still resting, curled into a little ball on the double bed and his daughter sleeping peacefully in her crib. Crawling in beside Marissa, he took her in his arms, caressing her hair away from her face and placing gentle kisses along her jaw line, causing her to wake with her gorgeous face beaming delightfully.
"Good evening, Mrs. Atwood," Ryan's deep, passionate, lust filled voice rang out in the silent room making Marissa quiver with desire.
Kissing him, she returned his greeting, "Good evening, Mr. Atwood." Giggling in ecstasy, her mirth bringing a smile to his Ryan's face as well, she continued. "You better quit trying to seduce me though. We're going to have three well rested kids to entertain in a few minutes, so you shouldn't start something you'll never be able to finish."
"I'm never going to quit trying to seduce you," he whispered in her ear roguishly, his lips gliding across the silky skin of her neck and drawing her arms around him. For several minutes, they just remained in each others arms, their mouths joined together, their tongues dancing the lovers' waltz, savoring the time they got to spend with their spouse, but they were quickly interrupted by the soft, gentle sounds of Loren's cries from her crib and the boys' movements in the room next door. Climbing out of the bed, Ryan picked Loren up and, with her in his arms, got Garrett and Cooper from the adjoining room. The five of them settled back into the bed with Marissa to discuss their evening, deciding that she would get to choose what they would do that night. Twenty minutes later, bundled up once again, the family left the warm, comforting confines of their suite and rejoined the hustle and bustle of the downtown Manhattan streets, making their way slowly, by foot, to the Empire State building.
The air was frigid, the wind howling with a wicked ferocity only capable at a place by the sea, but the sight of New York City at night, the lights twinkling in every window, illuminating the delicate snowflakes fluttering down from the skies above, was well worth the inconvenience of cold fingers, rosy, wind burnt cheeks, and running noses. Huddled together to combat the elements, the newly created Atwood family stood on the observation deck of the famous skyscraper glancing out at the magical view in front of them, mesmerized by the sights, their cares and concerns vanishing before their eyes, utterly speechless. Although they could not stay there long, the weather too harsh, the time they did spend there were moments only Loren would not remember for the rest of her life.
Leaving the landmark, they wandered around the city, window shopping and gazing at the scenic and perfectly arranged displays, oohing and awwing over various things they all wanted but could not afford. Hot chocolate in hands to keep them warm, the little family took in the sights and sounds of the lively Manhattan shopping district, arm in arm. Too absorbed in the wonders before them and each other, they never noticed the numerous people who would occasionally stop and just watch them silently for several minutes, smiling at the happy family, letting the picture they made bring back memories of days gone by, create a sense of want and longing, or even elicit pangs of regret and sadness. Those passing would eventually move on though, leaving the idyllic family behind as they continued on their way, oblivious to those around them, merely enjoying their evening to the best of their ability, the city backdrop, the drifting snow flakes, the peels of church bells, taxi horns, laughter, and conversation creating the perfect ambiance for a stroll through the wonders of avenues and broadways crisscrossing back and forth, up and down, left and right in a dizzying pattern of adventure.
The stores had long since closed for the evening, the lights dimmed throughout the city to aid those trying to sleep away the day's exhaustion, and the traffic had dwindled to a manageable cluster of yellow, bustling cars carrying passengers home once again to their awaiting families as Ryan emerged from the children's bedroom. Bathed, tucked in, and read to, the three joys of their lives, their eyes sparkling with the awe and delight only New York City could inspire, had finally fallen asleep, one by one, smiles still on their tired, cherubic, little faces. Sighing joyfully, Ryan entered the room he shared with his wife eager to finally celebrate their union as only a married couple could, by making love, talking softly to her the entire time.
"Sorry it took me so long, honey," he explained, a slight chuckle pervading his voice, "but Cooper insisted that we not only call home and speak with the neighbors to check on Q but that we also call our house and leave a message for her to listen to, claiming that she would sprint to the phone as soon as she heard his voice. One message turned into four as both boys wanted to talk to Q, and two stories later, I finally escaped." Kicking off his shoes and removing his watch, placing it on the dresser top, he turned around eager to lay eyes on Marissa, but she was nowhere in sight. "Marissa, baby, what are you doing?" Curious as to what was taking her so long, for she had said she would change while he tucked the kids in for bed, he wandered to the bathroom door only to stop when he heard her adorable voice ring out softly, his ears not missing the seductive, tantalizing quality to her tone.
"Why don't you get comfortable; I'll be out in just a minute, promise," she taunted him through the closed door. "I thought you deserved a special treat. Not only is this our wedding night, but you were patient all day long for this moment."
She did not have to ask twice. Shredding his clothes in record time, casting them across the room and not caring where they landed, Ryan was reclined in bed, under the covers to keep his naked body warm, waiting for her within seconds. Glancing around the room, he noticed that she had planned everything for their night together. The second cheesecake was out on the table ready to be cut and chilled cider lay resting in a silver ice bucket. With the soft glow of candlelight, the room was barely lit, just enough illumination for the lovers to see each other, the soft shadows cast by the pillars and votives creating the perfect ambiance for the room.
He had to turn to look at Marissa when she emerged from the bathroom, shrouded in light. Her lingerie was sheer, billowy, a creamy concoction only dreams are made of, her hair in soft, floating waves around her flawless shoulders, but the most beautiful thing about her appearance was the expression on her face, a smile so large and full of love for her husband, Ryan could feel his heart skip a beat as he looked upon her. Within moments, she was across the room and in his arms; the cake, the sparkling cider, the candles all forgotten. The only thing either Ryan or Marissa could focus on was each other, the emotions flowing between their joined bodies and sense of love they shared with their partner as their gentle touches, adoring embraces, and ardent caresses carried them away long into the night as they finally celebrated their marriage, the lingering doubts Marissa had been worrying over temporarily forgotten.