Love Shack –B52s
Disclaimer: I do not own That 70s Show or any of it's characters, but I do own the rights to this story, and my added characters, and it's new plot. So please, do not sue me or anything because by rights, I didn't do anything wrong.
(the scene starts out in Luke's bedroom while he is watching Star Wars Episode 1 while lying on his bed; and he is immersed in the movie)
Luke: (imitating Queen Amidala) Although we do not always agree, Your Honour, our two great societies have always lived in peace. The Trade Federation as destroyed all that we have worked so hard to build. If we do not act quickly, all will be lost forever. I ask you to help us...no, I beg you to help us. (he strays from the imitation) Man, if I had her begging me to help her, I'd... (he is cut off by Claire and Scott walking in and grinning)
Claire: What would you do, Luke?
Luke: (thinking quickly) I'd tell her to go away, that's for sure.
Scott: (raising his eyebrows) See, I would have believed you, but you've got the model of her in your hand right now, and I've gotta say, it's pretty close to your pants.
Luke: (pulling the model away from him and placing it carefully on his bed) I was just fixing it. Her arm fell off.
Scott: And how on earth did that happen?
Luke: (quickly) I don't know.
Claire: Okay, I'm leaving. Scott, you can stay, but I'm not sure what Luke does on his own. And if I were you, I wouldn't come within a foot of that model.
Scott: Good advice babe. I'll see you later. (he kisses Claire, and she leaves the room; Scott approaches Luke's bed, eyeing the model) So. You've finally found a chick you like?
Luke: Yeah.
Scott: Too bad she's fictional.
Luke: Yeah.
Scott: You really do need a chick.
Luke: Yeah.
Scott: I'm gonna hook you up with one.
Luke: Yeah...what?
Scott: Seriously, man. You're always alone. And I can only assume that when you're alone, you are playing with models of Queen Amidala, and to be frank, that's creepy. Plus, you're going to college next year, so you need a chick. Because trust me, there's no way you're going to end up with a college chick.
Luke: (indignant) It's possible! I'm nice. And I'm smart, and I've got a good personality.
Scott: Okay. (counting on his fingers) You're nice. You've sort of got some kind of a brain. But man, you are a super geek. I mean, Star Wars? You need to see the Matrix.
Luke: But, Star Wars is a classic!
Scott: So is the Matrix. Come on. I'll show you. And, I'm gonna find you a chick.
Luke: For the last time, I don't need...
Scott: Yes you do.
(scene cuts and re-opens while Luke and Scott are watching the Matrix; Scott is now mouthing the words to what Trinity is saying)
Scott: (silently mouthing the words) I know why you're here, Neo. I know what you've been doing...why you hardly sleep, why you live alone, and why night after night, you sit by your computer. You're looking for him.
Luke: (staring open-mouthed at Trinity) She's almost as hot as Queen Amidala!
Scott: (looking away from the television) No, man. She's hotter.
Luke: Well, I think they should get together and have a huge topless pillow fight.
Scott: (staring at the television again) Yeah. That'd be awesome.
Luke: Yeah. That'd be so cool. (looking at Scott) How much do you wanna bet that our dads would love this movie?
Scott: A lot. How much do you wanna bet that they've already watched it and have discussed a topless pillow fight between Trinity and Queen Amidala?
Luke: Nah. They're too lame for that.
(scene cuts and it shows Eric and Hyde watching the Matrix)
Eric: Man, Hyde, wouldn't it be awesome if there was a movie with Queen Amidala and Trinity in it?
Hyde: Yeah. It'd be better if in the movie, they were having a topless pillow fight. It'd be even better if Jeannie was in it too.
Eric: We should find Luke and Scott and force them to watch this with us.
Hyde: Ah, quality time with the kids. I think I'll pass.
Eric: I guess. (suddenly starts to laugh) I'm still picturing the pillow fight.
(scene cuts and the theme song starts)
(the next scene opens in Red and Kitty's basement; the new gang is there, along with a bunch of girls gossiping and pointing at James and Scott, but none are even looking at Luke)
Scott: See, Luke, there are chicks that like you. That one over there is pointing at you.
Luke: No. She's pointing at you. And see? Now she's making weird motions. Disgusting motions, actually. Let's get her out of here.
James: Don't worry. I'll take care of her. (he turns around and cups his hands around his mouth and yells) Bri! Dirty straggler!
Bri: (hurries over to James) Which one?
James: The fat one with freckles.
Bri: (looks over her shoulder) Eww! I don't wanna go near her!
James: Well, neither do I! She might take away from my awesome looks!
Bri: Well, she'd take away from mine too!
James: We're too hot for her. (they start making out, and the girl is forgotten)
Luke: Okay. We've gotta do something about her. This is getting gross.
Scott: Yeah.
Luke: I don't want to do it. You should. You're better at this than me.
Scott: You see, Luke, I would, but she's making those motions at me. And if I go near her, I can't help it if she touches me, and seriously, I don't want her touching me. Especially if she's making dirty motions.
Luke: Fine. I'll call Claire. (yelling) Claire! Come here! (Claire walks over, rolling her eyes)
Claire: What do you want, dweebo?
Luke: I want you to ask Mrs. Disgustington to leave and stay at least 10 miles from Scott at all times.
Claire: Sorry, Lukey-boy, no can do.
Luke: Why not?
Claire: I don't want to.
Luke: But, she's making the gestures towards your boyfriend! Don't you care?
Claire: Not really. He's a man, and he can take care of himself. (Claire walks away)
Luke: Well I want her out!
Scott: Okay. Umm, I've got an idea.
Luke: To get rid of Mrs. Disgustington?
Scott: No. To take over the world.
Luke: Really?
Scott: I thought we agreed that you were smart.
Luke: (slightly blushing) I was kidding.
Scott: Whatever. It's time to put my plan into action. (yelling) Melissa!
Melissa: (pushes through a crowd of girls as she runs over to Scott; it takes her a while because she is so short) Yup?
Scott: I need you to do me a favour.
Melissa: Okay. As long as I don't have to talk to Bri, because well, I don't like talking to her.
Scott: You don't have to talk to Bri.
Melissa: Good. So, how come you need me? I thought I was just your Power Ranger loving little sister.
Luke: It is pretty sad that you like the Power Rangers.
Scott: (to Luke) Shut up. (to Melissa) I need you to ask that girl over there to leave. (he points to the girl, who is still making signals to Scott)
Melissa: (she looks at the girl) What's she doing?
Scott: Remember when dad told you about prostitutes?
Melissa: Yeah. That wasn't very pleasant.
Scott: Well, that girl there, she is one.
Melissa: (gets a look of horror on her face) There's one in grandma and grandpa's house?
Scott: Right now there is. That's why I need you to get rid of her.
Melissa: (looks determined, but is biting her lip) Okay. I'll do it. (she covers her eyes, and slowly walks over to the girl)
Luke: (to Scott) Nice. The use of a nine-year old to do your dirty work.
Scott: Shut up, man. The only dirty work I have is with your sister.
Luke: Crap. Now I've got the mental image stuck in my head again. (Scott laughs)
(scene cuts and goes to Red and Kitty's living room above the party; the whole older gang is there, along with Red, Kitty, Brooke, and Miranda)
Kitty: And then, I told Luke that he could have a couple friends over. I'm sure they're jsut playing music and having a good time down there.
Red: It's still too damn loud. Someone had better go down there and tell them to turn down the noise level, or there will be feet shoved up asses.
Kitty: Now, I'm sure someone will go. But, I sure don't want to. Haha!
Red: Let's send the foreign kid.
Fez: Oh, please no. I do not want to be hung to a hook but my underpants again.
Kitty: Now Fez, you are a grown man now. They wouldn't do that to you.
Fez: They did last week.
Kitty: (looking concerned, but amused at the same time) Who did, Fez?
Fez: Scott. (Hyde starts to laugh silently)
Jackie: Well, Fez, we are really sorry about that. Steven! Stop laughing! That is your son down there, probably hanging people from the shower head!
Hyde: (stops laughing) The shower head. Crap, we never thought to hang Fez from that!
Jackie: Steven! Just for that, you are going to go down there, and make them be quieter.
Hyde: But, I was just...
Jackie: Go, or I'll kick you! (Hyde frowns, grabs his beer, and goes down the basement stairs out of sight)
Kitty: Well done, Jackie! Haha! I'm getting a drink.
Kelso: Oh, Mrs. Forman, can I have one?
Kitty: Why, yes you can Michael. You are of age now.
Red: Now, Kitty, why would you tell him he can have a drink? Kelso, you can't have a drink. Go home.
Kelso: But...
Red: Now!
Kelso: Fine! (he gets up to leave) Can I have a drink before I go?
Red: No! (he watches Kelso leave, followed by Brooke) Kick them out one by one. I should have done that years ago.
Kitty: That wasn't very nice, Red Forman.
Red: Well, I'm not a very nice person, Kitty.
Kitty: Nonsense! You are. Haha! You're just tired. You should go have a nap.
Red: I don't need a nap, Kitty.
Kitty: (she glares at him) Go have a nap. (Red quickly gets up and runs up the stairs to have a nap) Well, that was fun. Haha! I need another drink!
Miranda: Well, I'd better get going. I have somewhere better to be. Fez? Come! (she and Fez leave quickly)
Donna: (to Eric; whispering) That was smart. Your mom's going to start drinking a lot more, now that Red's not here.
Eric: (a bit too loudly) Yes. We should have gone while we had the chance. Oh well.
Kitty: Eric! When you are talking about your mother, you should be a teensy bit quieter. Now, I know that Donna wouldn't scream at you, and I won't because I'm your mother, but I would strongly suggest that you join Steven in the basement. Now! (Eric jumps up and runs down to the basement)
Kitty: So, Donna! How's the job hunt going?
Donna: Really great! I'm trying to get elected for Mayor of Point Place!
Jackie: Yeah, and I'm helping her make signs!
Kitty: Now, that's an idea. I wish I could help you out somehow, Donna! We do need a new Mayor. We've had ours since the early '80s, and he's not nearly as handsome as he used to be.
Donna: Okay. Well, you can help me, Mrs. Forman! You can be part of my party!
Kitty: Ooh! Can I be in charge of refreshments?
Donna: Well, it's not really that kind of party, but you can bring refreshments to the meetings.
Kitty: Okay! I'll be part of your (in quotations) party! Yay! (she claps her hands and gets really excited) I'm going to get a bottle of champagne!
Jackie: It's okay, Mrs. Forman. We've had enough to drink already.
Kitty: Well, I'm just going to sit down for a minute then. Haha!
(scene cuts to the basement where Hyde and Eric are standing on the stairs staring at the party, where nobody seems to notice them)
Eric: Wow. Nobody's hanging by the shower head, but there are an awful lot of young ladies in here with their shirts down low. (he notices the girl making gestures) Oh God, Hyde! What is she doing?
Hyde: I don't know. (he sees Melissa walking in her direction; she has not gotten to the girl yet) Crap! I can't let my nine-year-old talk to that girl! Look out Forman, this is where I get to pretend that I know what I'm doing as a dad. (he pushes Eric out of the way as he dashes down the stairs towards the girl and Melissa who has just gotten to the weird girl) Melissa! Stay where you are!
Melissa: Daddy! I was just...
Hyde: (to the weird girl) Excuse me. What do you think you're doing?
Girl: (looks Hyde up and down and wrinkles her nose) Nothing.
Hyde: Then why are you making those gestures in the direction of...(he looks over his shoulder to where she is making the gestures) MY SON!
Girl: I'm not making gestures.
Hyde: You're still making them.
Girl: Oops.
Hyde: Get out of here. (when she doesn't move, he takes a step towards her, she gives a shriek, and runs out of the room) Melissa. Why were you going to talk to her?
Melissa: (looks nervously behind her at Scott who is quickly running to hide behind James and Bri, closely followed by Luke) I was gonna ask her to leave.
Hyde: (he narrows his eyes, and suddenly yells really loud) Everybody SHUT UP!
(scene cuts and goes to commercial; scene re-opens in the basement with Hyde standing very still in the very quiet basement, and Eric, who is now standing beside him)
Hyde: What is going on down here? (when nobody answers, Hyde looks around the room for people that he knows) Ah. Bri. What's going on?
Bri: (quickly breaks away from James) I don't know dad. I was with James the whole time. We didn't do 'it', I swear!
Hyde: How about you, Scott?
Melissa: I don't know. I just came down here, and there was a party, so I was walking around, and I talked to Scott and his friends, and I was just going to see the girl that you kicked out. (she looks really scared) I'm sorry daddy! I didn't know it was bad!
Hyde: (he closes his eyes) Fine. Melissa, I want you to go upstairs and sit with your mom, and not tell her anything about this.
Melissa: But what if she asks?
Hyde: Tell her that I will tell her later.
Melissa: Okay daddy. (she gives a nervous glance around, and runs up the stairs)
Eric: Claire. What is going on?
Claire: I dunno. Why don't you ask James?
Hyde: James? I know you aren't my son, but your father would probably let you do something like this, so I'm going to pretend that I am your father at the moment. What is going on down here?
James: (clearly terrified of Hyde; he stands up straight with his hands at his sides and says loudly and clearly) I don't know sir!
Eric: Well, Luke? Do you know? You are almost 18 years old, and I would expect you to tell me the truth all the time.
Luke: I know, but I don't feel comfortable telling you in front of the girls, and any of the Hyde because they would probably kick my ass. (Scott snickers and is quickly silenced by a piercing glare form Hyde)
Eric: Okay! We'll talk later.
Hyde: (to Eric) That's not it Forman. There is one more person that I would like to question.
Eric: Who? Scott? Because you know as well as I do, that Scott is either not going to tell you, or is going to lie about what is going on here.
Hyde: I realize that. I meant Eleni.
Scott: Eleni?
Hyde: Eleni.
Eleni: (looking up from her book for the first time during the party) Yes?
Hyde: Do you happen to know what is going on here?
Eleni: (smugly) Actually, I do. You see, for the last few weeks, we've been getting quite bored around here, especially Luke because he's single. So, Scott hree decided to intervene, and hosted a party in Mr. and Mrs. Forman's basement to set him up with a girl. (Scott looks furious; Luke looks freaked out; and everyone else is silent)
Hyde: (starts laughing) That's it?
Scott: Yeah.
Eric: (joins Hyde in his laughter) Wow. That was the angriest I've ever seen Hyde, and it was just because my son's a loser who can't find himself a date? Man, Luke, I could have found you a date. I have good connections at the school I work at, they all have older sisters!
Luke: I guess.
Hyde: Everybody out. (all of the guests to the party leave)
Scott: Really, dad? That's it?
Hyde: Did you find Luke a girl?
Scott: No.
Hyde: Then that's not it for you. You failed finding your geek friend a chick, and there was a room full of single women. You're grounded.
Scott: That's totally unfair!
Hyde: So's the fact that I ended up with a cheerleader. Now, go to your room.
(scene cuts and goes to commercial; credits start with Hyde, Eric, Kelso and Fez sitting in a circle in Red and Kitty's basement)
Hyde: Man, today I stopped a party. Now, I feel like a real dad. Not that my real dad ever did that, or even a fake dad, but you know. I stopped a party!
Eric: Hey, I was there with you! I helped! (he pauses) Forget it. I didn't do anything.
Kelso: (laughing) Wouldn't it be awesome if one of the kids found out that we broke into Scott's stash and smoked it?
Fez: Not really. My Miranda would kill me. She is incredibly bitchy.
Hyde: I know man. I hear you. Jackie is incredibly bitchy too. It's like it's a thing that women have to be.
Eric: Yeah. Donna's a lot happier now that she's got something to do though.
Kelso: Donna's also a lot hotter now that she's happy.
Eric: I know! It's great when she's happy.
Hyde: Yeah, man, the circle is great. Life is great. I grounded my son. That was great.
Fez: I have never had to ground Eleni. She is perfect.
Eric: She ratted out our kids. She is not perfect.
Kelso: I ate a rat once.