Chapter 8

Jason

That smile gets me every time. She's looking at me with her devilish glint in her eye as she cheats at poker. Max hasn't caught on yet. He's too taken with her charms to see anything else.

She has most men, including me, wrapped around her little finger.

Marco is on to her though. He says without humor, in a completely flat voice, "What a surprise. You win another huge pot."

Carly winks at me. "Yeah, I'm just lucky like that."

"Game over, guys." I tell them

"Okay, Boss."says Frankie and all the guys clear out of the room, grumbling about their losses.

"Happy with yourself?" I ask her

She plays innocent. "What?"

With one look from me she breaks, "Aww, come one , Jase. If they can't see me palming cards they deserve to lose."

I can't help laughing at her logic but warn her, "You're going to mess with the wrong person one day."

"And then you will come and save me. So I'm not worried."

She's right.

Carly stands and stretches and then she's plopping onto my lap and wraps her arms around my neck. All casual like she knows I won't mind.

I don't.

"You're," Carly tells me with a easy smile "my back up plan in any situation. That should be my new nickname for you, Back up plan."

"Don't call me that in public. Please."

"Okay, Back up plan."

"Or in private."

She pouts. "You're no fun."

I ask her, "Who have you been giving a hard time since you didn't have me around here to harass?"

It's a joke but her face grows serious."No one. I was just working and thinking."

Thinking about how to stop loving me.

I should be happy she wants to do that. But it feels like someone has stabbed me in the gut every time I think about it. I guess I just counted on Carly loving me. Some things, I always thought before now, were just facts.

The sun is in the sky during the day, the moon is in the sky at night, and Carly loves me just a little bit more than she loves any other man. It might be selfish and wrong to not want that to change but I don't.

I thought I did want her stop, I certainly always told her it would be the smart thing for her to do. But now that she says she wants it too- it changes everything. I feel stomach clenching fear at the thought of her not wanting me anymore. I feel like she will slip away and move on and ...

How do I live with her not loving me?

Watching her eyes, I ask "Got it all figured out?"

"No."

"So if you can't... do what you came here to do. Are you never coming home?"

"Would that upset you?" She tries to make her voice light "Or would you glad to be rid of me? Glad to get a break from my constant neediness? My 'Save me, save me, Jason!' routine."

"I'm here. I guess I didn't like my break all that much."

She studies my face."Sonny didn't send you to check on me?"

"No. I was in town for a meeting and just wanted to drop by. I..."

"Missed me?" she murmurs softly " Not as much as I missed you, Jase."

In her eyes I see that old familiar longing. And I wonder what she sees in mine- fear, regret, desire?

Whatever it is she closes her eyes and sighs then stands and says "Okay, enough talk. We have that all worked out. Let's go out somewhere. Drink. See the city together." She grabs my hand to pull me out of my seat but I don't budge.

Lost in thoughts of her staying away from Port Charles because of me I hold onto her hand and say softly " I don't think we have it all figured out yet."

"Jase, "she breathes out "don't do this to me, not now. I'm trying to not think about this anymore...to put it behind me somehow..."

The words are out of my mouth before I can stop them. In a low voice I ask her, "Do you think we could ever really do that?"

Even as I ask her I am asking myself the same thing. I feel like I am falling over an edge. I just can't lose her. I can't.

I knew it would be hard to be without her. But over the last few months I found myself wanting to see her all the time. And being disappointed I couldn't. I started to think she was building a life without me, on purpose, and I hated that idea.

All these crazy years we have spent as best friends I had counted on her more than I thought. It was easy to tell her we could only be friends because I thought she would settle. And stay. And love me anyway.

Carly has to love me. Because without that I don't know who I am. I don't want to be the man Carly used to love. I don't want to keep pushing her away until she is so far gone I can never get her back.

I whisper, "You think we can put us in the past for good this time?"

Now she's looking at me with big eyes filled with the world. All my past is there, a thousand different futures stare back at me. I could have them if I just give in to this thing that is strung between her and I.

It could all go to hell in the end. But right now I want her too bad to care. I've missed her and feared I would have to keep missing her for months, years, maybe forever. And that thought - of her living forever without me- is what has pushed me to this point.

She pulls away from me and says harshly "No, I don't think we ever can get over us, Jason! That is what I have always tried to tell you. But you won't believe in us. Not like I do."

I stand up and say, trying so hard to be reasonable, "A lot has changed since we first met, Carly. It's not like we can just go back."

She sighs and tells me, "Right. Yeah, I knew you would say that. So I have to try and heal my heart. But I can't. I can't if you keep being YOU. Because I'll always love who you are."

Her voice drops and she continues," So what do I do now, Jase? Huh? Tell me how to stop loving you so damn much! Because I want to stop." She sounds tortured as she murmurs, " I do. I do."

The tears start to fall from her eyes and my heart breaks open. Nothing rips me apart more than

watching this woman cry.

Pulling her into my arms I whisper "But I don't want you to." And then I'm kissing her and finding what I need, what I have gone without for too long.

I keep on falling

in and out

of love with you

I never loved someone

the way that I loved you

Oh, Oh, I never felt this way

How do you give me so much pleasure?

And cause me so much pain?

'Cause when I think

I'm taking more than would a fool

And I start falling

back in love with you

I'm falling

I'm falling

fall, fall, fall, fall

Alicia Keys lyrics