Notes:
cywen69 - I'm so glad to have you all caught up here. I love how you said you hoped the earth would open up and swallow Chris. Cracked me up. I'm glad that you appreciated the chapter when LL first make love, back when she's still with Chris. It was a tricky chapter to write because neither Luke nor Lorelai is a cheating kind of person, so they had to get in a situation where it seemed it was just them and emotions just got the best of them. From what I hear my dad was a pretty unsure father when my sister was born, but since I was the younger it was easy for him, probably why I'm a Daddy's Girl. I could have killed showAnna when she said she didn't think Luke would be a good father because I can so see it in him, he may hate kids but he'll love his own, April and his with Lorelai.
smileyGGfan - Welcome back. I completely understand the finals and summer starting thing. I just finished my exams myself. Your review was touching as always, and I'm glad you appreciated how I was able to capture 'Stone Cold Luke' and still let him show his emotions.
chmelms - Aw, you made me blush...
borncountry88 - I could never do away with Lorelai! She's the heart of the story.
GMB loves Angel - You know the Luke/Rory moment took some work, but I remembered they had a small talk in Forgiveness and Stuff so I went back and watched it and loved that line he said to her. I thought it would be good if she looked back at that too.
gwenn - Thank you for your wonderful review. I'm glad you finally decided to review and I'm glad you're liking the fic so far.
javajunkie101 - Oh yeah, I'm glad you've got it on story alert. Wouldn't want you to miss a chapter!
mnbennett - Yay for new readers! Any fan of Luke and Lorelai is a friend of mine.
spint914 - Another new reader! Thanks for the review! It was hard to ease into the relationship with certain people pushing me saying 'get them together already!', but I'm glad you appreicate the slow process.
Waffle's Very Happy - And another new reader. Hehe, I'm glad you liked the Eurotrip reference. I'm not even sure why I threw it in just seemed like something Lorelai would do. Glad you're liking the fic!
Lorelai's Hospital Room
It is now the next day. Lorelai woke up during the night. Sookie was there when she woke up. She's doing fine, as Dr. Shaw had predicted, and she's been moved to a regular room in OB until the doctors are ready to let her go home. Rory left late in the night to go get things together at Yale. Luke wasn't there either when Lorelai woke up. He drove the elder Gilmores home and then stopped over in Woodbury to see April and assure his daughter that her new siblings and future stepmother are going to be all right, though he wasn't so sure of it himself.
In the morning, Lorelai's sitting up in bed talking to Sookie and Jackson when Luke walks in. He stands by the door, allowing Sookie and Jackson their time with Lorelai. But the moment Lorelai looks up and notices Luke standing in her doorway, the moment is over. Luke watches as Lorelai's smile fades and tears form in her eyes and he can't take it anymore. He is over at her side in a moment, gathering her up in his arms. She wraps her arms around him, crying and clinging to him with all her might.
"We'll leave you two, call me if you need anything," Sookie says. Luke glances over at her and nods. Sookie motions to the door with her eyes and Jackson nods. They walk out. Luke kisses the top of Lorelai's head.
"I'm here, Lorelai, I'm here," Luke assures Lorelai. She slowly pulls away from him and tilts her face so he can lean down and kiss her. "Better?" he asks. Lorelai nods. She moves over, suggesting that he join her in bed and he does, pulling her close to him, laying her head on his shoulder. "I would have been here sooner." Lorelai shakes her head, touching his lips with her fingers.
"No, you're here now, that's all that matters," she says softly. Luke nods. She sighs leaning back against him.
"So, Lorelai, you wanna tell me what happened? All I know is that I was at the diner, working for the weekend, and talking with Sookie and April and the phone rang. And you were there, you were scared and I ran home, all the way nothing on my mind but getting to you. And I got you to the hospital and now here we are…" Lorelai nods slowly. She closes her eyes in pain.
"I really don't know either. I was just – and I felt this pain – and there – blood was everywhere…" She shrugs, biting her lip. Luke rubs her arm comfortingly, waiting for her to go on, but she doesn't.
"Sookie told me about your financial situation," Luke tells her. Lorelai grimaces slightly. "Is that why you've been in such a mood lately?"
"Well, hormones can actually do that, I'm not planning a Sylvia Plath or anything," Lorelai responds. Luke sighs.
"Lorelai…"
"Yeah, that – and other things…" she says vaguely. Lorelai rubs her forehead. "When I was pregnant with Rory, things were different."
"Well that's not surprising Lorelai, you were 16," Luke reminds her. Lorelai chuckles.
"Yes, that much is true. But it's more like my situation was different," Lorelai adds.
"Again, you were 16."
"Yeah… I mean when I was pregnant, I didn't really know what I was going to do, I didn't really get it. That all changed the moment they put her in my arms. And she opened her eyes and looked at me. She had me. Instantly. Her beautiful blue eyes and pink baby smell. Rory." Lorelai smiles to herself, that day still as fresh in her mind as if it had happened yesterday. Luke rubs her arm again, which reminds Lorelai what she was trying to say. "After that it was me and Rory. Us against the world. Everything we did, we did together. She was just like an extension of myself." Lorelai sighs. "What if it's different this time?"
"Hun, it's bound to be different this time. I mean you're settled. You have a house and a nursery built specifically for them and decorated by you. You have a successful job, well at least soon you will. And you have me, someone else you can depend on. It's completely different." Lorelai nods.
"I'm just scared that because of that, I won't love them like I should. I won't love them like I loved Rory, right from the start," Lorelai explains. A tear runs down her cheek. "And I'm so scared that they'll know I don't love them like Rory and they'll hate me for it." Luke kisses the side of her face.
"You're a great mother. And not just for Rory. You've been great with April and you practically mothered Lane. And they both love you," Luke reminds her.
"But they're not my children." Lorelai covers her face with her hands, a little ashamed of herself. "Jan hated Marsha for being the first born." Luke chuckles.
"Jan was crazy," he comments.
"Yes but Marsha was perfect in everyone's eyes as Rory is, I mean you said it yourself before. Jan was just a shadow of what Marsha was," Lorelai recalls. Luke sighs, rubbing her arm, trying to think of someway to help her.
"But Jan hated Marsha, not Florence Henderson," Luke remembers.
"You mean Carol? Carol Brady?"
"Right, Carol…" Luke nods.
"Even then, I don't want the twins to hate Rory or even April," Lorelai worries.
"They won't. You love them already, you're just worrying yourself. Why don't we go see the twins, then maybe you'll reconsider?" Luke suggests. Lorelai looks up into his eyes, making sure he really believes this. Then she nods.
"Okay," Lorelai agrees, still a little unsure. Luke lifts her hand to his lips and kisses it. She reaches up and brushes his cheek, gaining comfort from this small touch. "Okay," she repeats. Luke gets off the bed and goes to get a nurse, who helps move Lorelai into a wheelchair. The nurse takes out Lorelai's IV and tells her to find someone when they get back to put the IV back in.
Luke takes hold of the wheelchair, rolling Lorelai down the hall. "Where are we going?" Lorelai asks, noticing a sign that says the nursery is the other direction. Luke glances down at her.
"The NICU," he replies simply.
"Oh," she says quietly. Luke stops pushing and walks over to stand in front of her.
"Did the doctors tell you anything about them?" Luke asks. Lorelai shakes her head.
"I wanted you to. Is it because they were two months early? They're probably small aren't they? I mean Rory was right on time, almost to the exact time, so she was perfect, but that's not the way it would be if they're early. And they were early, cuz they weren't due until February. I mean I still haven't done all the reading I wanted to on that kind of thing, cuz I didn't do any reading about having a baby before Rory. But I wanted to do it right this time."
"Lorelai," Luke interrupts, squatting in front of her and laying a hand on her knee. Lorelai looks at him through misty eyes and she licks her lips preparing herself for what he's going to say. "Our son, our little boy, is small but good and healthy. They gave him an eight and I'm not really sure what that means, but you can ask around."
"It's an APGAR score. It's supposed to be out of ten, but I got an eleven cuz I'm special," Lorelai jokes, her eyes glittering. Luke smiles, glad to see that she's still herself, even after this. "So he's good? A healthy boy?" Luke nods. "Did you name him?"
"I wanted to name him William." Lorelai smiles softly.
"William," she repeats, trying out the name. "Liam," she tries, shortening it just a bit. "I love it. Your father's smiling at his big Luke picture screen today." Luke chuckles. "He's going to need a bigger screen soon, with two more grandchildren to watch over and he's already got Jess and April. Busy busy man, your dad."
"And Liam's middle name?" Lorelai grins.
"Gilbert."
"Don't tell me that's like the lead singer of Wham or something," Luke groans. Lorelai laughs.
"No, Luke, Gilbert. Gilbert the goat. Remember?" Luke looks up thinking and then it comes to him. He shakes his head, looking at her like she's crazy.
"Yes, I remember. The chuppah."
"Exactly. You said I liked goats, and I agreed."
"You don't like goats?" Lorelai laughs again.
"No, goats are good, but Gilbert is a very helpful goat. He's the reason I realized you were the only one I wanted to be with and the reason I knew I never wanted to marry Christopher," Lorelai explains. Luke looks confused.
"Do I want to know how a wooden goat helped with that?"
"He's a magic goat," Lorelai contends.
"Oh, well that makes sense," Luke responds, as if it really doesn't make sense at all.
"William Gilbert. William Gilbert Danes. Little Liam Danes," Lorelai says, letting the name roll over her tongue. Luke knows she's falling for her son already.
"Lorelai, I need to tell you about our daughter," Luke says, not wanting to spoil her good mood, but Lorelai's face falls instantly. She swallows.
"Okay, well that doesn't sound good," she whispers. Luke shakes his head.
"She's smaller than Liam. They gave her an APGAR score of four. She hadn't yet produced that stuff to help her breathe on her own so they had to put her on a ventilator and they're giving her injections of that stuff."
"Oh." Lorelai's chin begins to tremble as her stricken expression returns. "Oh." Luke squeezes her knee.
"Lorelai, the doctors are doing everything they can. They're watching over her. They said they can't promise anything but that infants are fighters and if she's like you, she'll come out of this stronger than we could imagine." Lorelai presses her lips together, trying to stay calm. Luke places his other hand on her other knee. "Did you have a name for her?" Lorelai shakes her head.
"I'm not ready to – yet," she tells him. Luke nods, understanding.
"Do you want to go see them?" Luke asks, just making sure. Lorelai nods. "Okay." He gives her knee another squeeze and stands to walk back behind the chair. He places one hand on her shoulder and uses the other to guide the chair. Lorelai reaches up and covers his hand with her own, leaning her head on it as he pushes the wheelchair up to the NICU.
There's a nurse there who helps Lorelai out of the wheelchair and helps Luke dress her in sterile gowns. "Hold on to me," Luke directs as he helps her inside and over to the twins. He first takes Lorelai over to Liam.
"He's beautiful," she whispers. She glances over at Luke and smiles seeing his proud expression. Luke squeezes Lorelai to him with his arm that is wrapped around her, holding her up. "Liam," she whispers in the same loving voice she had used for Rory's name earlier, gently placing a hand over the glass.
"He's got your eyes," Luke says.
"All babies have bright blue eyes," Lorelai reminds him. "Besides, who cares what they look like as long as they're healthy, happy and have my coffee addiction." Luke chuckles.
"Yes, because that's all that matters," Luke teases.
"Would you like to hold him?" the nurse suggests walking in the room. Luke and Lorelai share a smile.
"Yes," Luke says, clearing his throat. "I think we would." The nurse walks over, with a sterile blanket. Luke holds on to Lorelai as they step away from the neonatal bed. The nurse opens it up, wrapping the blanket around Liam and lifts him out. Both Luke and Lorelai are holding their breaths as if they're afraid their son may break.
"Here you go," the nurse says, offering Liam to Lorelai first. Lorelai reaches out and moves the blanket away from Liam's face, allowing her to get a close look at her son's face. As she stares at him, the smile slowly disappears from her face. "Ms. Danes?"
Lorelai glances up at the nurse. "Gilmore, my last name, it's Gilmore," she says hoarsely. She looks back at Liam, but doesn't move to take him.
"Ms. Gilmore, would you like to hold your son?" the nurse asks. The nurse glances up at Luke. He glances over at Lorelai, a little worried.
"Here, I'll take him," Luke says. Lorelai leans against another neonatal bed as Luke reaches both arms out to take his son in his arms for the first time. Luke's expression is one of amazement as he reaches out a finger to touch Liam's small hand. Lorelai rubs her forehead, not really looking at what's going on. "Lorelai, come look." She shakes her head.
"No." She forces a tight smile. "No, I'm fine." Luke shares a concerned look with the nurse. "I'd like to…" Lorelai points over at her daughter.
"Okay," Luke agrees. He motions for the nurse to take Liam and the nurse puts him back on his bed.
"I'll bring him by later so that we can try breast feeding," the nurse says, glancing up at Lorelai, who nods slightly. Lorelai's face is pale and she grabs onto Luke's arm to hold herself up. "I'll be back." The nurse walks out.
Luke glances once more down at Liam and then over at Lorelai, who's frozen. He motions with his head over at their daughter and she nods, a little scared. Luke helps Lorelai over to stand by their daughter's bed, standing behind her and peeking over her shoulder. Lorelai lets out a choking sob as she lays a hand on the glass. "She's strong Lorelai, she's fighting," Luke whispers in her ear. Lorelai shakes her head violently. She looks up, trying to keep herself from breaking down as the tears stream down her face.
"This is all my fault," she whispers as she looks back down at her young daughter.
"Lorelai, don't even think that, not for a second."
"It is Luke, it is. You kept telling me not to get stressed out and I didn't take your advice. I kept drinking all that caffeine for two months after I knew I was pregnant. And I didn't even think to stop working until the day I couldn't get off the couch!"
"Lorelai…"
"And it's not just that," she adds, pausing to choke back another sob. "I deserve this, it's my own punishment. I cheated on my fiancé. I couldn't even tell him that I did. But I did, willingly. I cheated. I'm a horrible person."
"No, Lorelai, you're not," Luke says softly, kissing the back of her head.
"I had a baby at sixteen. I ran away from home. I was horrible to my parents. Isn't that a commandment or something, don't hurt your parents, they created you? I hurt Christopher. Twice, three times, I can't even count. And I should be thanking him, he gave me Rory!"
"But he hurt you," Luke whispers, but Lorelai doesn't listen.
"And I hurt Max. I couldn't tell him that I didn't love him. I didn't even talk to him really, I just kind called him up, ended it and hung up. That was it. And I don't know why you're being so nice to me, I hurt you too. I slept with you and then walked away as if nothing happened. I told you that you didn't matter."
"But I knew you were lying." Lorelai shakes her head.
"I deserve this. I'm a horrible person. This is my punishment. I'm going to be a terrible mother. I – I – I deserve this," Lorelai gets out as she finally breaks down sobbing, covering her face with her hands. She leans back against Luke as he wraps his arm around her stomach, holding her to him, as the only thing keeping her from falling to the ground.
"Lorelai," he whispers, slowly turning her so that she faces him, pulling her face to his shoulder. "You do not deserve this. Don't think that and don't for a moment think that I don't love you. Things may not be perfect, but they'll turn out. They always do." Lorelai runs her hands up Luke's arms, letting them grasp the material covering his upper arms, clinging to him as she sobs. "I love you Lorelai," he whispers.