Notes:
purtyinpink71121 - Did you ever figure out what movie that was from? I know they had that whole 'quite' thing in the third episode of GG.
cywen69 - I apologize for bringing up bad memories, but I'm glad your little one was okay.
DreamTramp - You can do that with Palm Pilot? I know very little about technological things like that, but that's cool.
Robinpoppins - Yeah I do know a bit about medicine, okay a little more than a bit. I took Sign Language in college and loved it, I may have told you this before. I took a trip to Gallaudet about a year ago, it was just a fascinating place. I was watching that House episode too! My friend asked me what was wrong and I said 'oh, he has aphagia'. Hee. The breakdown in the park is one of my favorite LL moments too. Such a beautiful moment. I'm always building up to something and a lot of it has to do with Lorelai.
shoppingchik1314 - Thank you for your lovely compliments. I have written more. I'm constantly writing more.
Dr. Ridenour's Office
The nurse guides Luke and Lorelai to the door of the doctor's office, Lorelai is holding Liam in her arms. She opens the door to the office. "Ms. Gilmore and Mr. Danes are here to see you," the nurse says. Dr. Ridenour immediately gets up from behind the desk and walks over to them.
"Luke, Lorelai, I'm so glad you made this appointment, please come in," she says, shaking each of their hands. Luke puts his hand on Lorelai's upper back, guiding her to the two chairs in front of Dr. Ridenour's desk. Dr. Ridenour closes the door and walks over to stand in front of Lorelai, leaning back against her desk. "So, this must be little… I'm sorry what was his name again?" She's looking at Lorelai, but Lorelai's staring down at Liam. Luke rubs Lorelai's back gently.
"Liam. Well, William really, he was named after my father," Luke explains. Dr. Ridenour smiles.
"That's sweet. He must be proud," Dr. Ridenour responds.
"Well, he's, um, not around anymore." Dr. Ridenour nods.
"Still, I'm sure he's proud anyways," she replies. Luke smiles gratefully. Lorelai glances over at Luke.
"He is," Lorelai adds softly. Luke nods, his eyes smiling at her.
"When I heard you were coming in I called and checked on your daughter, Olivia. They say she's doing nicely off of the respirator," Dr. Ridenour says. Luke watches Lorelai, but she glances away.
"Yeah, she's doing well, they say she may be well enough to come home soon," Luke responds. Dr. Ridenour clicks her tongue and nods. She turns and walks around her desk.
"Well I'd like you two to meet Dr. Sally Buxton, she's a colleague of mine. She's going to participate in our visit," Dr. Ridenour says, nodding to the woman to her right. They all watch Lorelai for a moment, who still doesn't seem fixated on the situation. Dr. Buxton and Dr. Ridenour share a look. "Would you like to take over from here?" Dr. Buxton nods and walks over and sit in the chair closest to Lorelai.
"Lorelai, I think it was a good idea that your husband set up this meeting," Dr. Buxton says softly, cocking her head, trying to gain Lorelai's attention. Lorelai slowly looks at Dr. Buxton, focusing on her.
"Fiancé," Lorelai responds hoarsely and clears her throat. "He's not my husband. We're not married."
"Yet," Luke adds. He looks at Lorelai over her shoulder, she glances slightly at him and nods.
"Right, yet," she agrees, giving him a hint of a smile. She looks back at Dr. Buxton. "Do you want to look at Liam?" Dr. Buxton shakes her head.
"No, no I'm not a pediatrician. That's not why I'm here. I'm not actually in Nancy's practice," Dr. Buxton responds, motioning to Dr. Ridenour. "I'm a doctor, but my certification is in psychiatry. This appointment is for you, Lorelai." Lorelai has a slightly confused expression on her face, but she nods. Dr. Buxton looks over at Luke. "This is why you made the appointment?"
"Yes, it is," Luke agrees.
"You know, maybe it would help if you and I just had a conversation just the two of us, Lorelai. How about that?" Dr. Buxton suggests. Lorelai bites her lower lip.
"Yeah, okay. Fine. Let's play shrink," Lorelai responds as if she couldn't care less. Dr. Buxton laughs, and nods to Dr. Ridenour.
"Okay, well I can take Liam in one of the exam rooms, just to check him out and then Luke and I will come back," Dr. Ridenour says. Luke nods. He looks over at Lorelai.
"You okay?" he asks softly. She nods, seemingly about to cry. "If you want me to stay…" Lorelai shakes her head vigorously.
"No," she squeaks out. "No. Luke, go or you're sure to witness another episode of As The World Turns." Luke chuckles, squeezing her shoulder. He kisses the side of her head.
"Okay," Luke agrees and stands, holding out his arms for Liam. Lorelai carefully hands the baby over to Luke, biting her lip, tense as she watches fix his hold on Liam. He nods to Dr. Ridenour and follows her out of the room.
"So, Lorelai, how about if we just talk, chat, like friends," Dr. Buxton suggests. Lorelai raises an eyebrow.
"I know what you're trying to get me to say," Lorelai says. She sighs, folding her arms over her chest. Dr. Buxton cocks her head, waiting. "You're trying to get me to say I'm depressed. I'm not. I mean, yes…" She sighs again. "I feel kinda… I'm not depressed. I just had a baby. Two babies. I just got out of the hospital like a week ago. You know, Tom Cruise would not be pleased with this whole conversation."
"Well he doesn't have to know," Dr. Buxton responds, receiving a small smile from Lorelai. "Lorelai, I'm not trying to get you to say anything. I just want to talk about what's been going on. It's been a month since the twins were born?" Lorelai nods. "And what's been going on?"
"Well, the twins were delivered by c-section. And I stayed in the hospital for a few weeks until…" Lorelai pauses, noticing Dr. Buxton shaking her head.
"No, I mean, how have you been feeling?" Lorelai purses her lips looking down at her lap and shrugs.
"Fine I guess. Maybe… I don't know… a little overwhelmed I guess," Lorelai recognizes. She purses her lips, taking a deep breath.
"You've got a lot going on, I guess." Lorelai nods
"Yeah, it's just… it's a lot. There's Liam and Olivia. And I just got home from the hospital myself. And the inn which is running out of money. And Rory's away at college. And Luke. God, Luke." Lorelai shakes her head. She looks back up at Dr. Buxton, flashing a smile. "Didn't mean to unload all of that there. It's just that everyone needs something from me. I feel like I'm being pulled every which way and every time I try, I ended failing at it." Lorelai runs a hand through her hair. "I should be able to handle it, right?" Lorelai sighs. "I mean, I know how to be a single mom, I've done it before."
"Is that what you think Lorelai? You think that you aren't a good mother?" Dr. Buxton asks. Lorelai shrugs. "Let me ask you this, if you had to do it alone. I mean, just you taking care of your son for a day, could you do it? Do you think you could do it?"
"I would have to, wouldn't I?" Lorelai figures.
"I mean, if you knew that you had someone to fall back on, Luke. If you knew you had a support system… could you do it alone?" Lorelai looks down at her lap.
"I – I…" Lorelai shrugs. She looks up at Dr. Buxton. "I love my son. I love my daughter. It's not that. It's nothing like that. It's just… everytime…I can't do it. When he cries, I hold him close. I talk to him. I sing to him. I feed him. I change his diaper. And it never works." She sighs sadly. "It never works. He just keeps crying and crying until Luke comes home or Lane or Clara stop over. I'm failing him and… I think he knows…"
"Knows what Lorelai?"
"That it's not the same. I mean with Rory, it was easy to love her. She was all I had. She was my world. But now I feel like I'm giving little pieces of my heart to every person and it's not enough… it's not enough."
"Lorelai, let me tell you a story," Dr. Buxton begins. Lorelai claps her hands together a few times lightly.
"Story time? I haven't had story time in years," Lorelai remarks. Dr. Buxton chuckles.
"When I was younger, about… well how old is Rory?"
"Nineteen," Lorelai answers.
"Oh, well, younger than that. About eight or so, I guess. My mom would pack my lunch before I went to school and then she'd hand me a quarter for milk. But when I was little older, she changed jobs and would be gone before I got up to go to school. So there was a canister on the shelf in the kitchen and she told me that there would always be quarters in there for my milk and I should just get it myself. And she was right. The quarters were always there. Even when she couldn't be there to give me the quarters, they were there. And I never saw her refill the canister, but the quarters were always there. That's how love works. There's not a set amount you have and when you give it away, there's none left. You always replace it with more love, more children, just more love. You're never going to run out. And even when you can't be there for your children, they'll still be loved because you know they need it."
"I never knew my life could be compared to quarters," Lorelai jokes lightly.
"Lorelai, I have to ask you a question, a pretty personal question, but I'm required to just so you know."
"Okay…" Lorelai says with uncertainty.
"When you're holding Liam and he's crying and you can't get him to stop, what do you do?" Dr. Buxton asks. Lorelai shrugs.
"Just… I don't know… hope that Luke or Lane comes home soon. Just hold him longer, I guess… sing to him. Talk to him. Just… wait it out."
"But you don't ever shake him, just a bit?" Lorelai's eyes go wide.
"No!" she exclaims, with more emotion than she's shown this entire time. "No, of course not! I'm not a good mother, but I would never…!" Dr. Buxton nods and touches Lorelai's arm lightly.
"I believe you, Lorelai. I just had to ask," Dr. Buxton assures her. Lorelai nods, folding her hands back in her lap. "Tell me about your support system, do you feel that you have people to back you up?" Lorelai shrugs.
"Umm..." Lorelai looks conflicted.
"Your daughter maybe?" Lorelai shakes her head.
"Rory's at Yale. She's got more important things to worry about. She's going to be the next Kofi Annan or Christiane Amanpour… whatever comes first." Dr. Buxton smiles warmly.
"What about your parents?" Lorelai snorts. "Okay, I'm going to take that as a no. Well, what about Luke?" Lorelai sighs looking away. "He's not supportive?"
"Oh he is," Lorelai admits. "I just hate… he shouldn't have to. This isn't what he signed up for. He's got so much to deal with. April. The diner. So much. He shouldn't have to also do everything for me."
"Isn't that what marriage is about?" Dr. Buxton asks.
"We're not married, I told you that," Lorelai repeats, sounding frustrated. Dr. Buxton purses her lips, deciding to change direction.
"So do you feel like you're all alone in this?" Dr. Buxton asks. Lorelai looks down at her hands and shrugs. "Do you ever feel like everything would be just fine without you?" Lorelai looks up at her.
"Like Rory? I mean she's got Yale. And Luke's…" Lorelai sighs. "Are you asking if I've ever thought of escaping?"
"In a way…" Lorelai looks confused. "I'm talking about suicide Lorelai."
"Oh!" Lorelai shakes her head vigorously. "No. Never. Just… an escape… that would be good sometime."
"Well what do you do to escape? I mean what do you do to relieve stress?" Lorelai glances out the window, possibly wanting to escape herself at that moment. "Lorelai?"
"I don't know…" she admits honestly. "There's a lot to do. The kids. And the inn. And finding money. And Rory. And my parents. And the renovation," Lorelai says in a monotone, still staring out the window.
"Well, I-" but Dr. Buxton is interrupted by Luke and Dr. Ridenour who enter the room. Luke's eyes instantly search out Lorelai, who hasn't turned her head. He quickly walks to her side, lightly placing his hand on her shoulder. When she doesn't respond, he looks up at Dr. Buxton. "Lorelai?" Lorelai glances up at Dr. Buxton and then up at Luke.
"Are you ready to go?" Lorelai asks Luke softly.
"Well, I…" he stammers, not exactly sure what to say. Lorelai stands, picking up her purse as if Luke had agreed to her request.
"Lorelai, this is a lot to work through. But you're not alone. You're not the only new mother who's gone through this," Dr. Buxton says.
"Great, me and Brooke Shields will have a little party," Lorelai grumps.
"But we need to start working through this. I'm going to recommend 12 weekly sessions of therapy, one on one, just the two of us." Lorelai purses her lips. "It's the only way we're going to get you through this."
"Fine," Lorelai responds shortly. Dr. Buxton nods and picks up a prescription pad.
"And I'm going to give you a prescription for Lexapro."
"No," Lorelai responds instantly.
"It will help. The side affects aren't that bad and-"
"No!" Lorelai shouts interrupting her. She sighs. "I'll go to therapy but I won't take that stuff. No." She reaches out her arms to Luke and he hands over Liam. Then she walks out the door, not looking back. Luke sighs.
"We're only in the second mile of the marathon aren't we?" Luke asks, sorrowfully. Dr. Buxton nods.
"She's put you in a tough place there Luke. You have to support her and not support her at the same time. But if it gets worse, fill the prescription." She hands him the piece of paper. Luke looks down at it and nods.
"If it gets worse," he mutters. Then he shakes his head and walks out the door.