Konoha Ninja News
"This is Inuzuka Kiba, your anchorman, and with me and lovely as always is Hyuuga Tenten."
"A pleasure Kiba . . . a non physical, dont you dare twist that word around on me Shino or Neji will rip your face off pleasure." Tenten said cheerfully.
Her caption changed from her name to "at least I have a personality, and do more than throw stupid knives you bun-headed bimbo!"
Tenten ignored Shino's bugs and said, "Today we have a public appology from our Hokage, even though his new album "Ninja Got Back" is enjoying its fourth week as the number one best selling in the village. We'll find out which teams are favorited to win the Kunai Bowl this year, and find out if the weather will be good for our village picknick, and Ino will come to us live from party central to tell us who's wearing what at the Chuunin exams, in other news I made love to Shino for long time, long . . . time on . . . all fours . . . I--okay who the heck let Shino get to the teleprompter!" Tenten screamed.
Kiba sighed. "Okay, uh today we're happy to announce the return of field reporter Nara Temari, who is with our Hokage right now, for his public apology for his comments of last month."
The screen changes to Temari, she jabs Naruto in the head with her microphone, "Lord Hokage! What do you have to say for yourself?"
Naruto scofs, "I say it was all Sasuke's idea!"
"Bastard!" One of Naruto's masked Anbu guards cried, "Get that microphone away from him, Temari, he's lying!"
"Calm down Sasuke," The other one, Neji said, "And you were the one who came up with the beat."
"You're the one who agreed to do the beat boxing!"
"I didn't think the lyrics would be . . . like that!" Neji said.
"Stirring." Temari sighed.
"Hey Temari, you're skinny, what happened to your baby?" Naruto asked.
"He was born, idiot." Temari scoffed.
"Oh cool! So . . . like . . . we could fool around now if we wanted to, right?" Naruto asked.
Temari stared at him for a long time, then threw her microphone at his head and kicked him in the groin, "You're actually serious! I'm married you bastard! You're married!"
"Cant help it, Hinata won't put out because she says I humilated her and her family name or something like that!"
Sasuke joined in and started stomping on Naruto's chest, "Blame everything on me will you, you spinless jerk!"
"Well you're not married so I figured it was okay!" Naruto groaned under the assault of Temari and Sasuke.
Neji leapt into the air and body slammed Naruto, "This is for making me your body guard when I could be leader of the Anbu or something cool!"
Then Sasuke stopped stomping on the Hokage, "Uh . . . hey Neji, that's right, we're his body guards!"
Neji body slammed Naruto one more time then said, "Yeah but he'll heal up fast."
"Good point!" Sasuke cried and began stomping on Naruto again.
Temari took a break from stomping on Naruto's genitles and recovered her microphone, and turned to the camera, "This is quite happily married feild reporter Nara Temari signing off, with a clearly unrepentent Hokage, and his clearly mistreated body guards."
She throws her microphone at Naruto, hitting him in the face again and goes back to stomping on his unmentionables.
The screen cuts off to Kiba and Tenten, "What a nightmare." Kiba sighs.
"He had it coming." Tenten said matteroffactly.
"Yeah but still, do you have any idea how much my life sucks?"
"Shino, don't!" Tenten cried as the caption bugs beneath Kiba began to scramble to say something.
The little bugs decided not to go through with it.
"Uh . . . well anyway we now go to Sports with Rock Lee! Lee?"
"KEYAH!" Rock Lee cried as the screen switched to him, "A-plus news today sports fans, for it seems that prize fighter Hatake Kakashi has finally been thuroghly defeated, this video footage shows that he was tripped this morning by none other than my own trusty squirrel friend!"
The video shows Kakashi walking and reading a book at the same time, then suddenly a squirrel leaps out and attacks his face, he rolls on the ground screaming and the video cuts out, "Haha! That will show him to defeat Gai sensei!"
The screen is back on Kiba and Tenten. "That wasn't exactly tripping, was it?" Kiba asked. "I mean dude that was more like having a freaking rabid squirrel leap out and start sexually molesting your face!"
"Actually that's exactly what it was." Tenten says. "My gosh. Lee, weren't you supposed to be telling us who'd win the Kunai bowl?"
"No!" Lee shouts from off screen.
Tenten sighs, "Okay, lets go to Shikamaru with the weather."
And the screen cuts to Shikamaru, he's standing in front of a weather map while a little blonde girl runs around waving a little fan. Shikamaru yawns and points to the map, "Here we can see a cloudy front moving in, and it sure does look peaceful. Doesnt look like its wife left their bratty little kid under its care while she interviewed the Hokage, does it?" Suddenly he says "Stop running around!"
The girl freezes and takes up the same pose as Shikamaru. She points up at the map and mimics his lip movements as he continues speaking, "There's a high chance or rain, and a cold front is moving in, and yada yada, does anyone really care?" Shikamaru waved his hand at the camera and his daughter did the same thing, still under his shadow posession Jutsu, "If it makes you guys feel any better boulders will rain down from the sky at about noonish, and expect the world to end no latter than dusk."
Kiba sighed, "Your daughter is cute, Shikamaru. Can she beat you up too?"
"Shut up Kiba . . . and yes she can, that fan's not just a toy." Shikamaru sighs.
"What's her name?" Tenten asks.
Shikamaru shrugged, "I call her "Troublesome"."
"Of course." Tenten sighs.
"She's so wimpy, and yet I can just see her beating down on you. Like her mother does." Kiba smirked.
"You might not want to make fun of her, or her mother . . . it'll make her mad." Shikamaru warned.
"Yeah right. So where's your son?" Kiba asked.
Shikamaru's face went blank. "Did Temari leave him here with me?"
"Yeah." Kiba says.
Shikamaru swears and runs off screen. The screen cuts back to Kiba and Tenten.
"Father of the year." Kiba smirks.
"Uh, Kiba, Temari took the boy with her." Tenten points out.
"I know. Let's see how long it takes Shikamaru to figure that out . . . genious my eye." Kiba laughs.
Tenten sighs, "In other news the Chuunin exams are behing held. we go live now to fashion expert Ino for the hot and the horrible, what is in and what is out this year?"
The screen cuts to Ino of course who's speaking on her cellular phone agian.
"No silly, of course not. Okay I'll wear the black underwear tonight and you wear the bear suit. Dont be so--oh crap are we rolling?"
"You're live, Ino." Kiba sighs, "And who are you talking to?"
"None of your business!" Ino screams and throws her phone at the camera. There is a loud thunk and then the camera falls over.
"Oh get up!" Ino snapps and her feel walk off screen. The camera man slowly gets back up and begins filming again.
"You there, the ugly kid with the helmet!" Ino cries.
Konohamaru rushes over, "Yeah?"
"You're taking the Chuunin Exams this year, right? So tell me, what purpose does this helmet serve?"
"What? Well it-"
"Does it protect your head when you run about like a drooling moron and walk into walls?" Ino demanded.
"Well no I-"
"And your clothes, who designed them for you? Your mother? Have you never set foot inside a fashionable store? Come now you're the son of our late third Hokage, you should have enough money to look good!"
"Look lady I-"
"And you! The little dweeb with the snot trailing out of his nose, who sold you those glasses? They should be shot!"
"Sniff"
"Just look at your goggles, they're obnoxious! You know your forehead protector goes on your forehead and in your case it might make you look better than you do with those ugly goggles. Wait what are you doing? What are you doing!" Ino screams as the boy opens his mouth.
"No, don't AAHHH!" Ino screams as the kid eats the dribbling snot from his nose. He sucks it up with a zestful slurp.
Ino falls to the ground and goes into the fetal position for a moment, then recovers, gets up and turns to the third member of Konohamaru's team, "And you! You do realize that your hair is ridiculous right? And didn't you hear me when I said fishnets were in? Of all people I'd expect a girl to know fashion! You are a girl, right? I mean you look kind of "iffy" if you ask me, and-"
"This really isnt going anywhere is it?" Kiba sighed.
"Shut up Inuzuka!" Ino screamed.
The cameara went back to Kiba and Tenten. Tenten's caption reads "stop ignoring the teleprompter" and Kiba's reads "Shikamaru is pissed"
"Well let's move on to something relevant," Kiba said, "Chouji, how about suggesting a restaurant?"
The camear pans out to include Chouji whose caption reads "he was on the phone with Ino" is sitting down at the desk next to Kiba, "Well while it's not necessarily a restaraunt, Anko's Sweet Land is the best candy shop in town."
"Uh, okay, any particular kind of candy you recomend?" Tenten asked.
"Huh? Oh not really, it all tastes like burnned bacon smothered in cheese."
"That sounds good." Kiba sighed. His caption has changed to "I'm not kidding, Shikamaru is coming for you right now" but he ignores it.
"Why recomend this place if the candy is terrible? They didn't offer you a free lifetime supply like Iruka's Sushi did they?" Tenten askes, her caption now reads "She loves the numbers six and nine" she seems to ignore it for a moment, then suddenly lunges over the desk and begins to swat caption bugs as they scurry about the table fleeing for their lives.
Violent batlte ensues for a while, then the bugs begin to swarm over her while Kiba and Chouji just watch and stare, a giant hand made of bugs flicks her in the forehead, knocking her flat. A caption appears in front of her desk "As much of a pansy as her husband!"
"Uh . . . moving on." Kiba sighs.
"Uh yeah . . . anyway I recomend this place because Mitarashi Anko runs it, and the woman is still wearing as much fishnet as ever. Rumor has it that village perverts Ebisu and Kakashi have to be forcefully ejected from the store by Anbu black ops every evening, super pervert Jiraiya was once also guilty of this charge, however he is still in the hospital since his wife the former Fifth Hokage violently beat him, Anko is quoted as having said "thank heavens, if only Ebisu and Kakashi's wives were lesbians too" unfortunately our sources here at Konoha Ninja News have told us that neither pervert is married, Anko is out of luck."
Kiba shook his head, "Does anyone have some relevant news? Sai? Sakura?"
The screen cuts to a split screen of Sai on the cellular phone and Sakura asleep at a desk.
"The bear costume is so itchy . . . yeah I know I won't be wearing it for very long but still . . . uh just a second baby," He puts a hand over the phone and says with a cheerful smile, "Nothing to report dog face!"
Sakura is fast asleep so Kiba shouts "SAKURA! Anything good to report? Camera, poke her with a stick!"
Sakura's hands are under hr chin holding her up, the poking stick comes out and jabbs her, her hands slip out from under her chin, her head slams down on her desk, "Ugh, uh monkeys!" She screams, then looks around, "Uh . . . no Kiba-kun, I've got nothing."
The screen goes back to Kiba and Tenten, Tenten's caption now says "Hana says she's willing to do the three person thing again tonight" and Kiba's says "Dude, I'd be running if I were you, Shikamaru's taken down the security."
Kiba looks at his caption, "Oh that doesnt sound like him at all, he's too lazy to take a grudge that far."
Then the door bursts open and Shikamaru's daughter comes in, her little fan battle ready.
"Once she gets started, she doesn't stop." Shikamaru shrugged, he's got his hands in his pocket and he looks bored. "Got her mother's temper I guess."
Shino's caption for Kiba translates to "Well if I told you it was the little girl you wouldn't have taken me seriously"
Kiba groans and gets up, but the girl waves her fan and a gust of wind throws Kiba across the room.
Tenten ducks to avoid the flying anchorman, "Uh, this is Hyuuga Tenten signing off, and on a side note I suck hard for money--oh for the love of all things that arent perverted why did I look at the teleprompter again?"
Chouji is chuckling to himself and says "Gee Kiba, looks like Shikamaru's daughter can kick your butt too. So much power for such a little kid."
"I'm not wittle, I'm thwee!" The little girl cries and now Chouji is flying around in the whirlwind too.
"And this is what happens when you let your ninja skills get neglected so you can work for a television news show." Tenten pointed out, and then she got sucked into the whirlwind too, Shikamaru's daughter laughing maniacally.
"Uh, okay maybe that's enough," Shikamaru says, putting a hand on the girl's shoulder, but she grabbs his hand and hurls him into the whirlwind too, he just shouts "Troubleome child!" as he gets knocked into Chouji and now all four adults are flying around, "Only her mother can stop her now."
Kiba grabs onto his desk long enough to say "Th-this is Inuzuka Kiba signing off, good night Konoha, enjoy the reruns of the lame soap opera that follow us! And Temari, if you're watching GET DOWN HERE NOW!"
Good Night!
Note: And so it becomes a series . . . there's no real plot or chance of much character development, but we'll see how things go.