Akatsuki Ninja News
"Good evening, I'm your anchorperson, Deidara . . . yeah. With me, and with too much grease in his hair as usual, Hidan."
"Hi there." Hidan waves nonchalantly.
"Now you may be wondering where those wimpy-ass leaf ninjas went to, the ones who keep feeding you that pointless, worthless, stupid news . . . yeah. Well we've hijacked their signal and now we're going to tell you the real news, the real stories, the real truth! I will not be silenced, I know you all want to know what I know!"
"Actually Deidara, I'll bet they all want to know why you look like a girl. Any secret lifestyle you want to tell us about?"
"Shaddap Hidan!" Deidara snaps, and takes his seat, "Our first story comes from field reporter Zetsu, who is looking into a possible UFO landing in a field near my native Iwa, we go live . . . Zetsu?"
"Seriously Deidara, Itachi thought you were a girl for about a month, I think Tobi still has doubts." Hidan yawns, "Heck I almost asked you out when we first met."
"Now's not the time for you to tell us all about your homosexual tendencies!" Deidara screams as the screen cuts to Zetsu, who looks surprised . . . well half of him does anyway.
"What was that last part about homosexuals? Did Deidara finally come out of the closet? I think it was Kisame, but does anyone know for sure who bet on today in the poll?" Zetsu asked.
"The UFO!" Deidara screams. "Wait, what poll?"
"Never mind. Anyway I'm live out here in the rocky fields of Iwa where an unidentified flying object can be seen landing every night for the past week, who's inside? We don't know. Are they friendly? We don't care. Are we going to beat them up if we can? You bet your ass we will."
"So where is it?" Hidan asks, voice only.
"Where's what?" Zetsu blinks.
"The UFO . . . yeah."
"Oh . . ." Zetsu looks around. "We'll get back to you on that. Back to you Hidan."
"Typical." Hidan sighs. "Okay we go now to weather, how's it look?"
The screen cuts to the unnamed blue-haired member, whose face is obscured as their hair is blown about by the wind, "Slight chance of strong winds!" They scream over the din as thunder cracks and rain begins to pour, "And a slight chance of rain!"
"Uh . . . thank you . . . yeah." Deidara says, eye wide, but he recovers, "Ahem. Anyway in other news our glorious leader has an announcement, we go live to his secret chamber!"
The Akatsuki leader appears, draped in shadow, his outline is all that is distinguishable, he says in a cold hard, evil voice . . . "I like pie!"
The screen cuts to Hidan and Deidara again, "Riveting words, sir." Hidan yawns.
"So . . . anyway we'll go now to Sasori with sports . . . yeah. Sasori?"
"Well since we of Akatsuki aren't allowed to set foot in most villages we can't watch sports, so we make our own games! Today my black cloaked puppets beat the crap out of my blue cloaked puppets, the blue puppets were unavailable for comment, and though the black puppets had nothing to say themselves their joy at having won the battle was evident in their faces." The screen shows the blank dead faces of Saosri's puppets.
"Thank you Sasori-sama . . . gee, does anyone have news that doesn't suck?" Deidara asked.
"Now I kind of know how those wimpy leaf ninjas feel." Hidan nods.
"Well field reporter Itachi has the news from the latest Anime convention . . . yeah . . . Itachi?"
The screen cuts to Itachi, standing in front of a large building and looking bored. "Good evening . . . none of you watching this evening possess enough hatefullness . . ."
"If that's even a word?" Deidara asks.
"I don't know if it is so I'm going to make it a word . . . I'm going to use it until it catches on." Itachi said, "Does my using it fill you with hatefullness?"
"Kinda, now just tell us about the Anime convention." Hidan says.
"Right . . . well I'm here at the Anime convention, and it's ripe with hatefullness. I've been attacked by fifteen different young women, and three of them attempted to rape me. Someone ripped a piece of my jacket off and sold it for five hundred thousand ryo just moments ago, and as I speak to you now I come live from outside of the building because remaining in there is just suicide for a man like me. The hatefullness of that place is too much, also I seem to have lost Kisame in there somewhere . . . he didn't have enough hatefullness to escape that pack of fat girls that wanted to bare his children."
"Th-that's horrible . . . yeah!" Deidara gasps.
"It's hatefullnessfull." Hidan's voice agrees, but he's being sarcastic.
Itachi smirks, "And so it begins to catch on . . . yes now you people in the audience will begin to build your hatefullness up and soon you will be strong enough to escape any pack of fat girls."
Kisame suddenly walks on screen, his clothes are ripped up and one of his eyes is swollen shut. "Oh . . . hi Kisame." Itachi says. "I guess you have enough hatefullness after all."
"You . . . left me . . . to a fate . . . worse than death." Kisame says slowly.
"Yeah . . . but I knew you'd survive if you had enough hatefullness." Itachi shrugged.
Kisame rolls up his sleeve, "As I recall . . . you pointed me out to the crowd . . . and shouted "he's the real Itachi, I'm just a stunt double" then ran . . . like a chicken . . . and I got mobbed."
"Uh . . ." Itachi fishes for a word and finally comes up with "Don't you want to unleash your hatefullness on them and kill everyone in the convention center?"
"Oh . . . I've done that." Kisame says, rolling up his other sleeve, "Now it's your turn."
"Oh c'mon buddy . . . we're partners!" Itachi cries.
Kisame puts his hand over the camera, "Yeah . . . buddies . . ."
There's a whacking sound, Itachi cries out "Ahh! My face! My reasonably beautiful face!"
"Don't run buddy!" Kisame shouts and removes his hand from the camera, the camera man films Kisame chasing after Itachi who is running for his life.
He runs into the convention center, a scream of "I thought you said you killed them all! Nnnoooo, fan-girls, AAHHHH! Hatefullness! AAHHHHH! Itachi signing off! GAAHHHH! Please . . . I can't sign any more autographs!"
And the screen comes back to Deidara and Hidan.
"Uh . . . thanks for that, Itachi." Hidan says as the screen returns to him and Deidara. "So . . . what's left?"
"Let's see . . . Kakuzu's financial advice, and then Tobi wanted to give an anti-drug talk . . . and Zetsu needs to update us on that UFO at some point . . . yeah."
"Oh boy, the mere thought fills me with hatefullness." Hidan groans.
"Are you going to start using that word all the time?" Deidara demanded.
"You say "yeah" a lot, so leave me and my "hatefullness" alone." Hidan shrugs.
Deidara scoffs and presses a button, the screen changes to Kakuzu who's asleep in front of a graph showing the rise of profits from investing in news programs.
"Wake him up! Man I wish we had a stick like those leaf ninjas do . . . yeah. Remind me to make Tobi steal their stick!" Deidara cries.
Kakuzu wakes up though and looks around, then goes back to sleep. He groans "Eh . . . I am starving in Konoha, send me giant meat ball. Children, consume your siblings. If my demands are not met by some time I will begin buttering your loved ones . . . some weenies have cheese inside."
"We all know how much Deidara likes eating weenies with cheese inside." Hidan comments.
"Oh screw you, Hidan! Yeah!" Deidara screams.
"No way baby, I'm straight." Hidan says.
"Seriously, you want a piece of me?" Deidara's voice demands, but the screen remains on Kakuzu.
"Now don't be that way . . . you're hatefullness is showing." Hidan says.
"EEEYAAHHH!" Deidara screams, there's the sound of punching and hitting and other such fighting sounds, but the scene remains on the peacefully snoozing Kakuzu.
"Gah! In all your hatefullness you forget to take into consideration the pain of others!" Hidan cries.
"Oh shaddap! Yeah! Take some of this--OUCH! Why you--"
"Ah-ah-ah! Hey man that hurts! That's my arm you little fruit cake, stoppit!"
"Haha, you like that you son of a--ahh-ahh, not the hair! Not the hair!"
"Let's see how you like it when I twist your arm, and by the way, hatefullness, hatefullness, hatefullness!"
"AAHHH! And stop saying that stupid word . . . yea-ah-ah-ah!" Deidara screams, "Fine you want to play rough? I'm game, try some of this!"
Hidan screams, "Hey what are you doing with that?"
"Don't make me use this! I'll do it! Yeah!"
"Okay, okay, don't let your hatefullness get the best of you, man!" Hidan tries but Deidara lets out a blood curdling scream and there's a loud explosion, the screen goes fuzzy for a bit and smoke drifts into the room Kakuzu is in, but he snoozes peacefully all the same.
Until the smoke sets off the anti-fire system, and as he gets soaked Kakuzu finally wakes up.
"Eh? Eh? Uh back to you Hidan!"
The screen comes back to Hidan and Deidara, who both look pretty messed up. Deidara's arm is in a sling, and Hidan has a bandage around his head. The room they're in looks like it's just been through some kind of explosion, and Hidan is drumming his fingers on what's left of the desk in front of them, somehow his hair has escaped undamaged.
"Uh, it has come to my attention that I called Deidara-kun a 'fruit cake' during our little scuffle . . ." Hidan says, looking at a piece of paper that's just been presented to him by one of Sasori's puppets, "We here at Akatsuki do not discriminate against homosexuals and such terms are usually quite forbidden, I apologize to anyone who may have been offended . . . I will never again call Deidara a fruit cake. I'm sorry."
"That's okay." Deidara nods.
"I hope you can forgive me." Hidan continues.
"It didn't even bother me." Deidara pats Hidan on the back.
"And I hope you won't let your hatefullness overwhelm you again." Hidan adds solemnly.
Deidara flinches and then instead of patting Hidan on the back begins to viciously pound on his back, "Die! Just die!"
"Uh-oh . . . more hatefullness." Hidan smirks at the camera.
"Stop saying that!" Deidara screams.
"Uh . . . lets get back to Zetsu with that UFO . . . of hatefullness."
"GAHH!"
"Uh . . . nothing here." Zetsu says.
The screen returns to a fuming Deidara and a smirking Hidan, whose hair is still in perfect shape.
Deidara stacks papers on the desk, and it collapses, the blonde glares at the ruined desk for a moment, then says "All right, Tobi now with the anti-drug report. Tobi?"
Tobi appears and waves enthusiastically at the camera. "Hi! This is Tobi! And also . . . your brain!" Tobi says, holding up a real human brain. "Some time ago Tobi here, well I did a study on the effects of drugs on the brain, here's the video!"
The screen cuts to Tobi's home move. "Got that camera working? Okay just keep it rolling. Kay, now this is your brain." Tobi says, placing a human brain on the kitchen counter. "This is your brain on drugs." Tobi says, then smashes it with a frying pan. "Not a pretty picture." He nods solemnly, "Now follow me."
The camera follows Tobi out of the Akatsuki kitchen into the dining room, "Now you've seen what drugs do to your brain . . . this is what it does to your parents!" He screams, slamming the frying pan into the side of Zetsu's head.
"GAH! When did we become your parents?" Both Zetsu's voices groan in unison.
Tobi waves for the camera to follow him and he goes into the living room where Deidara and Itachi are watching TV.
"This is what it does to your friends!" Tobi cries, banging Itachi in the face, "To your girlfriend!" He says, hitting Deidara on the side of the head.
"We're not friends!" Itachi groans, holding his face.
"I'm not your girlfriend!" Deidara complains, ear bleeding.
Tobi grabs Kisame, "To your pet fish!" And bang, right in Kisame's face!
"To your neighbors!" And Hidan gets it too, followed by Kakuzu.
"To complete strangers!" Tobi cries, but the blue haired Akatsuki member is wise to what's going on and jumps out the window instead.
"And to your boss!" Tobi says, and hurls the frying pan at the camera, the Akatsuki leader groans and the camera falls to the ground.
Tobi approaches and picks it up, he holds it up to his masked face, "So drugs are bad . . . m'kay? Any questions?"
The screen cuts back to Deidara and Hidan, both are rubbing their heads at the memory.
"I remember that day . . . man I thought he'd gone nuts . . . yeah." Deidara said.
"I just assumed his hatefullness had come to a boil." Hidan said.
"That's getting really old . . . yeah." Deidara scoffed.
"Heh . . . so . . . his girlfriend eh? How long have you two been going out, Deidara-chan?" Hidan chuckles.
"Shaddap, I never agreed to be in that video, nor did I agree to the role . . . yeah." Deidara groans. "Zetsu, you'd better have something . . . yeah."
The screen cuts to Zetsu, who's back in the field, he says "We may never know where these bright lights come from, or why . . . the UFO has failed to show up tonight. Does this reporter believe there is life . . . out there . . . amongst the stars? Yes he does. Does he believe that it will one day make itself known to him? Perhaps. But until then we may never know what their purpose was, or why they came to this place, yes those lights may never be explained."
A bus pulls up behind Zetsu, there are bright lights inside, the driver says "Hop aboard, I only make this stop once every night."
Zetsu blinks and turns back to the camera, "Uh . . . back to you, Deidara."
Both Deidara and Hidan look annoyed. "What the heck was that?" Hidan demands.
"Nothing! It was nothing! Our biggest story and it was nothing special . . . yeah!" Deidara shouts.
"A bus!" Hidan rants, "Why it makes me feel such hatefullness! Bah! Well anyway ladies, gentlemen . . . whatever the heck Deidara is--"
"Damn it Hidan!"
"Well anyway to all genders and those in-between, this is Hidan signing off."
"Uh . . . yeah. Deidara too, signing off. Hidan you do know I'm a woman, right?"
Hidan smiled blankly, "Really?"
"For all you know, cause you ain't gettin' none o' this boo-tay . . . yeah!" Deidara sneers.
"And have I done anything to make you think I give a damn?" Hidan asks.
"Just checking. Man let's never do this again . . .yeah. Good night Konoha!" Deidara waves, and as the screen goes black you can see Tobi sneaking up behind them with a frying pan.
Good Night!