Bless you reviewers! By the way, I don't own Hellsing. That belongs to Kouta Hirano.

"You three are in luck. The founder is normally a very busy man, but you've caught him at a good time."

Several heavily armed clergymen (a priest and two monks) led the Elric siblings and Violet through the Church of Leto to Father Cornello's room. They insisted that their weapons, a high powered revolver and glaives, were decoration ("They're made of plastic!") as they loaded and sharpened them.

Alice smiled sweetly. "Don't worry. We won't be here long."

The clergyman with the revolver pointed his gun to Edan's head. One of the other monks restrained Alice in a bear hug while the other put his glaive to her throat. Violet put her hands to her mouth in shock.

The priest smirked at Edan. Then he paused. This kind of ploy worked so rarely, he couldn't think of anything to say. Let's see. It had to relevant to the situation at hand, but it also had to make him look cool. Chicks dig guys with guns. Hmm. "Prepare yourself" might be a bit overused. "Time to die" was always good, but not exactly relevant to the situation. Hmm…

"Alright, it's the name of a movie." Alice began doing a series of intricate ballet movements.

"Dancing...it has something to do with dancing!" the first monk said eagerly.

"Ooh! Is it Save the Last Dance?" Violet always began guessing before anyone else.

The gun wielding priest shouted, "I've got it!" He smirked. Again. The monks restrained Alice. Again. Violet put her hands to her mouth in shock. Again. "No, you won't be here long at all." He shot Edan with the revolver, blowing his head clean off.

Violet shrieked. "Why are you doing this!"

"These two are heretics. It is Leto's will that they be slain."

"Then Leto is not as merciful or good as everyone says." Edan's body grabbed the gun and snapped off the trigger. He then tested its weight in his hands. "Odd. This doesn't feel like your face." He felt around blindly, grabbing hold of Violet. "Gotcha!"

"Hold on a minute, it's me-"

"Die, you zealots!" He swung Violet like a club, knocking out two of the clergymen. Alice took care of the third with an elbow to the chin. Followed by a mallet to the head. Then, a ruler across the face. And for good measure, an air rifle pulled out of nowhere, at point blank range. She almost shot his eye out. Edan then dropped the girl. "Did I get them all?"

Alice gently put Edan's head back on his neck. The wound mended itself quickly. "Yes, and even more so!"

"What do you mean?"

"Nevermind."

Violet didn't wake up for half an hour. When she did, she had many questions to ask.

"What the hell are you!" The girl cowered against a wall. "Demons? Witches? Clowns? How did you get your head back on?"

Alice looked uncomfortable. "This is how the gods punish those that trespass on their territory." She stood, head bowed, for at least another half hour. The wind picked up, and her coat billowed dramatically behind her. This was, of course, a result of the lack of maintenance on the church. Many of the walls were riddled with holes, and to say that there was a terrible draft would be an understatement. The two authors walked off toward Cornello's quarters in silence.

Violet suddenly realized something. "Hey, you didn't explain anything!"

Alice kicked open the doors to the founder's room. As soon as she entered, she knew it was a trap. For starters, the doors slammed shut behind the two writers. Second, the room was completely dark. Also, "Kamen Shinpu to Chapel no Kane" was playing in the background. But, most important of all, there was a sign outside that said "This is a trap!"

Suddenly, the lights switched on, revealing the founder of Letoism standing at the back of the room. "Welcome to our holy church. Have you come to learn our teachings?"

"Hardly. I came to learn why you're tricking your followers with Author Powers." Alice rolled up her sleeves.

"Author Powers? Why whatever do you mean?"

"What I don't understand," she continued, "is how you write passages that bypass the basic laws."

"That's why I said that I wasn't using Author Powers."

The girl smiled wryly. "The Deus ex Machina stone. It's on that ring of yours, isn't it, Cornello?"

The priest laughed heartily. "I would expect no less from a writer of the state. Yes, this is the legendary amplifier."

"I've been looking for that stone."

"Oh? And what would you do with it? Become rich and famous?"

"I could ask the same of you. Are you using the stone to become rich?"

"I get as much money as I want from the donations of my believers. No, I am doing this to gain followers, loyal followers who would throw away their lives for me! An army with no fear of death, whose soldiers believe that they will be resurrected! I will lead this army to battle, and this country will be mine! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

As the priest laughed maniacally, lightning flashed in the background, obliterating most of the room. Cornello looked around at all of the destruction he had caused. "Whoops."

Meanwhile, Edan was sleeping peacefully on the floor.

"Here's the way it's going to be, Father. If you don't surrender that stone, me and my brother-Edan! Wake up!- will tell everyone that you're a fake!"

"HA! As if those fools would believe you!"

"Maybe they won't believe us, but they will believe Vio-" Alice looked around the room. "Uh oh. We forgot Violet!"

The girl ran outside, shouting "Hold that thought!"

There was an awkward silence. Edan cleared his throat. Cornello cleared his throat.

"She seems nice."

"Well, yeah. She's basically a good kid, except for those times when she gets… you know."

"Wait, you mean PM-"

"No! No. God, no. I meant to say that she has a really wicked temper."

"Oh."

"So, you've been doing this Author of the State thing for quite a while, huh?"

"Eh, only a couple years."

"How is it?"

"Well, the pay and benefits are always good, and there's never a dull moment. Well, except for the occasional mountains of paperwork you have to fill out."

"Heh, you're preaching to the choir."

Alice burst into the room with Violet in tow.

"Right! As I was saying, maybe they won't believe her, but they will believe…" The ¼ Metal Author realized what she was saying. "Darn. I'll come in again." She burst into the room again. "Maybe they won't believe us, but they will believe her!" Alice grinned at Edan. "Did I get it right?"

"Yeah."

"Moving on, then." Violet looked Father Cornello in the eye. She spoke as she read a detailed list of what the priest had said in the last 15 minutes, including the plan to take over the country. "Founder! Is this true? Was the power of miracles just a lie? You weren't going to bring Kain back?"

"Kain?"

"My fiancée. He…died in an accident last year."

There was another awkward silence. Alice pulled a notepad out of nowhere. She flipped the pages to a sheet marked "Awkward Silences" and added another tally mark.

The founder smirked. "Perhaps Letoism was a lie. However, with the power of this stone, there is a possibility that your fiancée could be resurrected!"

"Violet, don't listen to him!" Alice grabbed her hand.

"Be a good child and rejoin Leto."

"Violet, please."

"Join the Dark Side, Violet!" Cornello had deepened his voice and was wheezing into his hands.

"No!" Violet screamed at the top her lungs. "Kain…He wouldn't want this. He would hate it if he was given life again at the cost of so many other people. I'm going tell everyone the truth, because that's what Kain would have wanted."

"Well, crap." Cornello cracked his knuckles. "Time for plan B, then." He waved his left hand across Violet's face. "You do not remember anything that happened here."

Violet's eyes glazed over. "I… do not remember…" She blinked and looked around the room. "Wha…Where am I! Who are you people!" She left the room screaming.

The founder smiled smugly. "Now that the distraction has been taken care of, time to purge my religion of you heretics." He pressed a button on the wall, and "Hisshou Myouhou Renge Kyoku" began playing in the background. Cornello pulled a switch. Someone in the distance screamed loudly. "Oops. Wrong switch." He pulled a second switch. One of the walls split in half, revealing a terrible beast.

It was comprised of parts from three creatures. The head was a massive, vicious lion, the body was that of an eagle's, and at the lower end, a scaly green snake's tail, colored sickly green. However, it had no legs. Cornello was aghast. "But, my beast was not supposed to look like…"

"Ha! I told you! The Law of Manifestation must always be taken into account! You should have caught my lecture earlier. But noooo… nobody ever listens. Well, now look at your pitiful beast! You tried to make a new species character, didn't you?"

"Alice…"

"Just a sec. "I'll bet you wish that you had described it better-"

"Alice."

"-you cheap, third rate fanfic author. Maybe-"

"Alice!" Edan shook her gently.

"What!"

While she was gloating, the beast had wriggled over to the Authors. It bared its massive fangs and lunged. Panicking, Alice threw her hand over her face. CLANG!

The character gnawed at the girls arm, but its grip kept slipping. She grinned. "What's wrong, pussycat? You seem unable to keep hold of me." The girl waved her free hand and a few leaves of paper affixed themselves to the floor. She snapped her fingers, and suddenly, a battering ram ripped through the floor, slamming into the beast's midsection. The creature was hurled to the opposite end of the room.

Smiling with satisfaction, Alice tore off the shreds of her sleeve, revealing a mechanical arm.

"Human fanfiction…" Cornello muttered. "The punishment of the gods on those who would trespass on the domain of the celestial ones." He laughed to himself. "So, that's why they call her the ¼ Metal Author. That's automail, artificial limbs of steel."

"Who are you talking to?"

"Er, nevermind."

With a clap of her hands, Alice covered the floor and walls with paper.

"These two have committed the ultimate crime! There once was a hero who flew too close to the sun. His wax wings melted, and he fell to his death."

"Stop that! You're scaring me."

Flashback…

"Alice! Look at this!" A much younger Edan, devoid of chain tattoos, waved a scroll excitedly at his younger sister.

"What is it, big brother?" A smaller Alice, as frail-looking as always (In fact, at the moment, she had a cold), was reading through a massive book.

"This theory! We can use it to bring mom back."

Present day…

Gazing wistfully off into space, Edan spoke. "Even if we knew that type of fanfiction was forbidden, we had to try, for the sake of seeing her smile one last time."

"Big brother! Not you, too! Who are you talking too, anyway?"

Flashback…

"The passage failed. My sister lost her appendix and gallbladder. I lost my body. Everything went black. When I came too, there was Alice, sprawled in a pool of her own blood. She was missing an arm."

"I'm so sorry, big brother." She said weakly. "I just barely managed to affix your soul to a character's body…"

"Sis, why? Why would you do this to yourself?"

"I..." She made a gagging noise. Her eyes rolled back in her head, and she went limp.

TIME PARADOX! Alice is dead.

She made a gagging noise and went limp. But, she was still barely breathing.

End Flashback.

"So that's why you want the Deus ex Machina stone! To bring your parent back!"

"Don't get me wrong, Father! We want our bodies back, that's all."

Cornello changed a chunk of the wall into a gatling gun.

"I think its time to go." The ¼ Metal Author chuckled nervously.

"Agreed." They ran for the door. Edan, being bulletproof, went after Alice.

Outside, the writers found an angry mob, complete with torches and pitchforks, waiting for them. Alice mentally went through 17 different developments. None of them ended happily. One of them ended with Edan and her being turned into rabbits.

"We're in trouble." She said.

"Agreed."

Hisshou Myouhou Renge Kyoku (fight music, basically) and Kamen Shinpu to Chapel no Kane (horror movie organ music) are both songs from Hellsing. Just thought you'd like to know.