If you believe that I own Full Metal Alchemist, I have a bridge to sell you. A gold plated bridge.
When Alice was younger, Edan had taken her to see a movie about a treasure hunter. Out of all the scenes in the film, the one she remembered best was an incident in which the hero was chased down a mile-long, booby-trapped hall by the guardian of the treasure. Although the scene was intended to be a tense one, Alice couldn't help chuckling at the protagonist, sprinting down the corridor, with panic written on his face, leaping over traps, and shrieking as the beast nipped at his heels.
The fact that she was in the exact same situation made her want to scream, curse, and consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, there was some kind of higher power. One that was intent on driving her mad, no less.
Father Cornello had recovered with amazing speed for someone of his age (and girth). In a mere four minutes, he had recovered from the blow to his head, summoned another character (a manticore-like mixture of scorpion, lion and jabberwocky) to sic on Alice, and finished his taxes ahead of time. And now his efficiency was making the ¼ Metal Author miserable.
As she ran for her life, Alice tried to remember: how did the hero get past the guardian? Let's see… She chewed her lip thoughtfully. He tossed an obstacle in the monster's way…and the monster stumbled on it, and… fell on him. So much for that idea…What to do? Maybe if I keep moving, I'll run into something that can help me.
Suddenly, everything went dark.
Alice awoke to Edan staring at her. She threw his arms around him in a tight embrace.
"You're okay! But, how did you escape being captured by those statues?"
"Well…"
Ten Minutes later…
"And then, the broken statues combined to make a gargantuan, three-headed stone beast!" said Edan, spreading his arms for emphasis. "It was no small feat to kill that thing, but they didn't make me an author of the state for nothing!"
"Very amusing. Seriously, what happened?"
"They destroyed themselves trying to chase me through an alleyway…"
Touching the bump on her forehead gingerly, Alice asked her brother another question.
"What happened to me? One moment, I was running for my life, then the next, I'm somewhere else. And what happened to that character Cornello released?" She noticed that they were in another room.
"You ran into that wall." Edan was pointing outside, to a badly cracked part of the hallway. The imprint on the wall was a perfect replica of Alice's moniker. "As for Cornello's character…"
In another part of Leto's church, Brother Maurice was trying to concentrate on his studies about his religion. But distractions kept on coming up. First, it was those stupid kids throwing eggs at his window. Then, it was that flying pig outside the window. Now, someone was banging on the wall!
Maurice threw open the door. "Keep it down, out there! Some of us have work to do! Are you actually trying to knock down this church? I should…"
The words died in his throat as he realized what he was looking at. Some type of strange, lion-like creature was pouncing at the wall. It rammed its head again and again, until it was finally knocked unconscious. Maurice had been drinking tea as he studied from the Book of Leto. He rushed into his room and grabbed the mug from his desk. Maurice threw its contents out the window, showering the kids outside (who had returned with more eggs) with Earl Grey. He then thoroughly examined the mug for any trace of a hallucinogen.
Our heroes, in the meantime, were trying to decide their next move.
"Ok. Somehow, someway, we have to expose Cornello for the fraud that he is. But how?" As she paced the hallway, an idea came to Edan. "I've got it!"
The next day…
"And so, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I will prove that this man, Father Cornello, has been misleading you all with his false religion!" Edan was dressed smartly in a navy blue suit.
Many of the people of (Formerly) Forsaken Desert Town had gathered inside the 43rd Street Courthouse to witness the case of the Elrics v. Cornello. All were dressed in their best clothes: suits, slacks, and Sunday dresses. Edan had come up with the idea to use the law against the false priest, in order to prove his crimes to the townspeople. And he was sure that his plan would succeed. Using the similarities between Author Power and the Power of Miracles, the Elrics were sure to win the case.
After the trial…
The ¼ Metal Author sat dejectedly on the curb outside the courthouse.
"I can't believe they found out that I wasn't a real lawyer."
Sitting next to her, Edan put a comforting arm over her shoulder.
"I told you we should have used the neck brace." He removed the medical support from his backpack and showed it to her.
Alice stared at him incredulously. "In any case, we can't give up! We'll show the world the truth about this sleazebag or my name isn't Alice Marie Elric!
The girl ran off before Edan could inquire whether her middle name actually was Marie. She confronted Cornello, who had just exited the courthouse.
"So, Father, what do you say to a little wager? You against me in a contest of my choice! If I win, you have to admit you are a fake!"
Cornello smiled slyly.
Later on…
"Cinderella, dressed in bella, went upstairs to kiss a fella!" Alice didn't have many talents, apart from writing. But one thing she prided herself on was her talent for jumping rope.
So why on earth was she losing a jump rope contest to a crazy old man? While she was beginning to tire, Cornello mocked her, while jumping on one foot!
Needless to say, the not-so-good father defeated Alice soundly.
In a great display of immaturity, the Priest stuck his tongue out at the Elrics.
"Don't you understand that it's useless to continue trying to show these fools the truth? These fools are merely my pawns! They will believe anything I tell them, and will gladly die for me, believing that they will be restored. Give up, you brats!"
Edan smiled and straightened his arm. With a click, a tape recorder appeared in his hands. He pressed the "play" button.
"Raindrops keep fallin' on my head…"
The elder Elric rewound the tape sheepishly. "Whoops. Let's try that again."
He pressed the button again.
"These fools are merely my pawns!"
Cornello was beyond aghast. He was beyond shocked. He was…gobsmacked. (An actual word.) "You brats…you…"
"Recorded everything you said?"
The priest leapt at Edan, shouting, "I'll kill you!"
The author calmly dodged and tossed the recorder to Alice, shouting cheerfully, "Take it straight to the radio station! I'm sure it will make today's broadcast particularly good!"
The girl ran off with Cornello at her heels, mocking the father all the while.
Still later on…
The founder finally cornered Alice in the last room in the second floor. He flicked his wrist and the ring on his hand sparked. Cornello was suddenly armed with a machine gun. He menaced her with the weapon.
"There's no escape now, you little punk. Why don't you make it easy on yourself and hand over the tape?"
"I can't…" Alice shifted uncomfortably in her seat, which really was the room's desk. "I dropped it and the tape broke."
The father broke into uproarious laughter. "Hahahaha! You dropped it? You little idiot! I have to thank you. You saved me a lot of work! Now those fools will never know that I have deceived them! They'll never know that Leto is a crock, and they'll conquer this country in the name of a false god! Hahahaha!"
The ¼ Metal Author grinned catlike.
"What's so funny?"
She moved to reveal the microphone beside her. The microphone that was switched on. "Who's laughing now?"
She leapt gracefully from the desk. Outside, the townspeople had heard Cornello's broadcast and were talking amongst themselves.
"So now, dear father, you see why good will always win, because evil is dumb."
Alice skipped gaily out of the room. Edan met her outside.
"So, how did everything go?"
"As well as could be expected." As she said this, the radio station behind her crashed to the ground. Out of the rubble rose a Leto statue, with Cornello riding on its shoulder.
"Nevermind."
The priest bore a crazed expression. "I'll crush you both!"
Alice waved her arms and the statue was covered in paper.
Cornello's crazed look was replaced with a skeptical one. "That's the third time you've pulled that trick. Does it actually do anything, besides sticking paper to people?"
"Look around you. What is your statue standing in?"
"Trees and rubble. So?"
The girl snapped her fingers. The crushed trees surged from the ground with new life, tightening around the statue like restraints.
The crazed expression returned to the priest. "Do you think this will stop me? As long as I have this stone, I can do anything!" The ring glowed briefly, and then faded. It then shattered into exactly one million pieces, which were swept away by the wind.
Edan turned to Alice. "You think we should assemble a ragtag band consisting of a lecherous monk, a demon hunter, a half demon, a fox demon child and a girl from another world to gather the pieces while being hounded by the servants of a powerful demon?"
Alice's despair was enough indication that she was in no mood for jokes.
They walked away in silence, leaving Cornello on top of the statue.
"Hey, someone get me down from here! Anyone?" Out of nowhere, an egg smashed into his forehead. As he moved around, blindly trying to remove the slimy insides, he lost his balance and fell to his death. Below, hidden in the trees, a beautiful woman, dressed in black, chuckled and put the carton of eggs back in her purse. She produced a walkie-talkie from said container.
She spoke into it, her voice barely above a whisper. "This is Warrior-Sue. Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but it looks like our efforts in this town have failed. Oh, well. If at first you don't succeed…"
Dramatic music played in the background.
Some distance away, at a bus stop, Edan perked up at the tune. "Where is all this music coming from?"
The Elrics saw a cloaked figure running off, boom box in hand.
"Hey, come back here!" Needless to say, they gave chase.
The End of Those Who Challenged the Pun. But the ¼ Metal Author will return, in Episode 2: Mother…
I would really appreciate some reviews.