Disclaimer: The views on the pairings mentioned in this chapter (Roy and Edward, Alphonse and Edward) do not necessarily reflect the views of the author.

Episode 23a: Pairings and Screaming

"Ugh. What happened last night?"

Edan awoke to a dark, smoke filled room and a blistering headache. The writer placed a hand to his temple as he attempted to recall what had just taken place. Slowly, it all came back to him: The attempt to revive their mother, the Mary-Sue character description, the monster scroll attacking him and Alice. Alice! Where was she?

He walked around the room, looking for her. Edan then happened upon a horrible sight. A monkey was being swallowed by a crocodile, which was being strangled by a python, who was being set upon by millions of bees. He turned away and continued searching for his sister. The author gave no thought to how these animals got into his house.

Alice, sans left arm, was found lying in a puddle of her blood. Five feet away from Edan. The elder Elric immediately came up with an excuse for his stupid mistake. The smoke was obscuring his vision. Yes, that sounded plausible. Then, reality reared its ugly head.

"Alice! Are you okay? What happened to Mother?"

"It wasn't human…" Her voice was barely loud enough to hear. "It would only talk in 1337-speak, and it narrated anything it did."

She pointed to what looked like a heap of bloody flesh lying in the corner.

She coughed. "I'm so sorry, big brother."

"For what?"

"You know, for what I had to do to keep you alive."

"What did you do?"

"You really don't know?"

"Tell me."

Alice smiled as sweetly and innocently as one could while covered in blood, exhausted, and missing an arm. "Oh… nothing."

"Come on, tell me."

"It's not important."

"Tell me!"

"Promise not to scream?"

"Promise."

Alice pulled a mirror from her pocket. Edan looked into it, expecting his own reflection. To say he was disappointed would be an understatement. He saw a twisted parody of himself, covered in chain tattoos. Staring back at him, was a gaunt, much older teenager. Edan gasped. His skin was an unearthly pale color. We're not talking pasty faced here. I mean, chalk, bone, or Pillsbury Doughboy (Which I do not own) stark white. And his eyes! They were blood red! Edan couldn't help it. He screamed. Long and loud.

"You promised you wouldn't scream!"

"What the hell did you do? I look like the living dead!"

"You are, in a manner of speaking."

"What am I, a vampire?"

"A wraith, actually."

"What?"

"I'm sorry." Alice said again. "That scroll exploded after it attacked. After it was all over, there wasn't much left of you except your soul. I used my arm as a source of energy to affix that to one of my characters. I couldn't lose you too, big brother. But, I can understand if you can't forgive me."

"I meant, what is a wraith?"

"Oh."

There was another knock on the door of the Rockbell house.

Linry opened it, only to discover a demented looking Edan, carrying a bloody, wounded, apparently lifeless Alice. She screamed. Long and loud.

Edan winced. "Thanks for shattering my eardrums."

"Edan, you've killed Alice!"

"No, I didn't."

"Look at her! She's deader than last autumn's leaves!"

"She's still breathing. Look, can we come in? I really need to bandage these wounds."

"I thought you cared about her! In fact, I thought you guys loved each other."

"Well…"

"I meant romantically."

"That's sick! She's my sister!"

"Pairings between your counterparts, to wit, Edward and Alphonse, are fairly common."

"This is a parody, for Pete's sake!"

"Let's review the evidence here."

Linry produced a projector, screen, laser pointer, and spectacles. She tapped a button on the projector.

"A couple years ago, I saw Alice fall asleep with her head in your lap."

The projector revealed a picture of this.

"We were 11 and 9. That little instant didn't mean anything romantic."

Click. A picture of the author, a short teenager with disheveled black hair that would make a porcupine shriek, appeared on the screen. He was sleeping in an upended chair, his drool forming puddles on the ground.

"Thus far, all parodied versions of the Full Metal Alchemist characters are exaggerated versions of their former selves. This means that, at least to some degree, you must behave similarly to Ed and Al."

"In conclusion, there is no reason for you to kill me like you did Alice, just because I suspected you two of having a… you know, that kind of relationship."

It was then she realized that she was alone. A sign stood in front of her read, "I didn't kill Alice. Goodbye." Linry found that the door to her house was locked.

Inside, Linry's aunt cleaned and bound Alice's various wounds.

"So, how did this happen?" The woman asked suspiciously.

Edan made a valiant attempt at a plausible answer. Trust me, he really gave it his best shot.

"Err… Lawnmower accident. And then, I accidentally took some pills, which is why I look like this."

Let's give him an A for effort, shall we?

Leroy, in the meantime, was sleeping in the middle of the floor. Linry's aunt (hereafter referred to as Mrs. Rockbell) kicked him.

"Wake up, that was your cue."

"Right." Mustang lept to his feet and went outside. There was an awkward silence.

Someone knocked on the door. Mrs. Rockbell opened it to find Leroy Mustang standing on her porch, an enraged Linry behind him.

"My name is Leroy Mustang, of the State military."

Edan stood, hearing the pyromaniacal writer speak. He turned around to get a look at Mustang, but all he saw (before everything went black) was the massive wrench speeding toward his face.

Linry grinned, the picture of violent triumph, as she put her foot on Edan's chest. "That's for locking me outside, Elric!"

Alice awoke to the sound of metal connecting to her brother's head. However, she didn't even notice the elder Elric twitching on the floor. All her attention was devoted to Mustang.

She sighed. "I think I'm in love."

Leroy sighed, although for a different reason. "Where do fans come up with this stuff?"