Episode 47: The Not-So-Great Train Robbery
Word.: Indicates a caption.
"From there, take the train to Central City."
"Alright. See you then, sweetie!"
"Don't call me sweetie, Elric."
Colonel Leroy Mustang hung up the phone. He really should have gotten Hawkeye to give Elric the directions to Central. The kid wouldn't dare to mouth off to the gunslinger Lieutenant. That woman could scare a dragon.
A .45 slug zipped out of nowhere to bury itself mere inches from a rather…sensitive part of the Colonel's anatomy.
And possibly read minds, thought the Colonel.
The Central Express had an old steam driven engine, quite out of place in the train station, what with all the monorails transporting people about. In fact, the train resembled something out of an old black and white movie about a gang of robbers taking over a locomotive. Which isn't to say that this was important to the plot, or anything.
However, the train did still work quite well, Alice thought, as she stuck her head out the window. She inhaled, enjoying the feeling of the wind in her hair. A small grin began to appear on her face. This grin disappeared as her face connected to a metal pole. She swayed for a second or two, and then sank to the floor.
Alice woke up to the sight of a massive audience. She looked around to discover that she was in an auditorium, and clearly the orator. The girl walked to the podium and began speaking.
"Ahem. I am honored to address this assembly of the half the people in the world, and the other half watching by television. My name is Alice Elric, and I am afflicted with quite possibly the worst case of urinary incontinence in history. I also forgot to wear clothes."
Alice awoke with a shriek that echoed throughout the train, shattering windows, glasses, and an opaque glass box marked, "Giant Insect".
The little girl standing next to her smiled. "Oh good, you're finally awake. Do you know how long I've been poking you?"
"No, not really."
"That's a shame, because I can't tell time, yet."
Alice smiled at her. "What's your name?"
"Melanie, but everyone calls me Mel."
"Mel, do you know where my brother went?"
"That funny looking man with the silly coat?"
"I made him that coat, you little…I mean, yes."
"Right over there."
Edan entered the car, covered in a viscous green substance. He had what appeared to be a giant antenna through his right arm.
"Edan, what happened?"
"It's better that I not tell you."
"Fair enough. Well, my concussion is about to rear its ugly head again. Good night!" This time, Edan caught her before she collapsed on the floor.
By sheer coincidence, riding in the next car was the Military's famous General Hakuro. Naturally, such an important officer always had security detail protecting him. In this case, his guards took the form of four armed soldiers.
However, two of the guards (Hereafter referred two as Guards 1 & 2) had reason to believe that their fellow security officers (Hereafter referred to as Suspicious Guards 1 & 2) had something planned against the General.
Perhaps it was the way that the Suspicious Guards read their "to do" lists. "Buy groceries, pick up dry cleaning, and help to kidnap General Hakuro."
"Hey!" Shouted Guard 1. " We suspect you're up to something!"
Suspicious Guard 2 grumbled and tossed a whoopee cushion, joy buzzer, and Britney Spears CD on the ground.
"That's not what we meant."
"Oh, s—t, they're on to us! Get the piano! Minor Key!"
An old piano, complete with musician, fell through the roof of the train car as the world faded to black and white.
An silent movie tune began playing as the Suspicious Guards put on cowboy hats and shot the two guards. A group of bandits leapt through the hole in the roof, led by a large man with a strangely built automail arm. The artificial limb was equipped with what appeared to be a modified submachine gun. He loaded the weapon.
Alright, boys, let's go capture the General!
Walking up to a door in the hallway, the bandits smashed it in with a battering ram. Inside, they found a man relieving himself.
What the f—k do you think you're doing?
Oops.
Several cars down…
Big brother, I think something's wrong.
Hmm…
Well, it's just that, the world is black and white, and everytime I talk, we cut to a caption reading what I said. Also, the background music stinks.
Edan leapt to his feet. At that moment, two armed bandits entered the car.
Alright, hands up! Everyone drop your money and valuables!
We're kidnappers, not thieves.
Yeah, but I forgot my lunch money, and I'm hungry.
Several more cars down…
"Hughes, I fail to see what your wife has to do with the current status of the train."
Through telephone, Lt. Colonel Maes Hughes was informing Mustang of the situation. Or he would have, if he had not been preoccupied with informing Mustang of his wife, now eight months pregnant.
Oh, we're under attack. The bandits have moved swiftly and stealthily, totally overwhelming the guards, as well as capturing the passenger cars. Anyway, back to Gracia…
"Shut up!" Leroy snapped his fingers in frustration, setting fire to a house plant.
To be continued…