Disclaimer: The writer has no claim to Full Metal Alchemist or related works.
No people were harmed in the making of this chapter. But in the last chapter, Alice got it big time! You should have seen the look on her face when she was pole axed by that pole! Hahahaha!
Ahem. On with the show…
Word: Caption containing spoken words. Not to be confused with actions, descriptions, etc.
Last time on the show, Alice and Edan were shocked to find that their train to Central City had been attacked by bandits, hoping to kidnap General Hakuro of the military. As of this moment, the train is slowly being overrun. The Elric siblings will have to fight their way out of this situation to have any chance of ever making it to Central City, and the State Author Exam!
Episode 20: The number of the Episode has little to no significance at best!
Edan, someone's trying to fight back. Let's go help them!
A member of the military was indeed making an attempt to resist the bandits. He was a slightly graying, middle aged man by the name of Sergeant Vard Falman. Sad to say, the fact that Falman had left his gun in a faraway country, two years ago, somewhat hindered this attempt.
Drop your weapons and put your hands in the air! Falman had the fingers of his left hand in the time honored "false gun" gesture.
You have to admire him for trying, though.
The bandits exchanged a look. Then, they promptly shot the Sergeant in the foot, incapacitating him. Luckily, this gave the Elrics a chance to take them by surprise.
Alice clenched a piece of paper in her automail hand, transforming it into a short sword. She then realized that Edan and an unknown man were already tying the bandits up. Dismally, she dropped the sword on the ground. And realized that she had removed her artificial hand.
Alice's screams echoed throughout the train once again.
In the engine room…
The bandit leader burst into the room, weapon at the ready.
Okay! Don't nobody move!
Everyone continued about their business.
Hey didn't you hear me? Don't nobody move!
The conductor spoke up. Ah, but that's a double negative, meaning that you want everyone to continue moving.
Oh, sorry. My mistake. Ahem. Nobody move! This is a hijacking!
One of the workers in charge of shoveling coal into the engine was rapidly turning blue. Uh, sir? What about breathing?
Um, that's okay, I guess.
He took a grateful gasp of air. Thank God for that.
Another worker piped up. Nobody move? What, I'm supposed to keep myself from digesting, somehow?
The leader put his palm to his face. Okay, let me make it clearer. I meant no one make any movements that could conceivably interfere with my-
Our! His cronies yelled.
-Our hijacking of this train. How do you yell when the world is in silent movie mode, anyway?
The conductor stood again. Does me wrestling you guys to the ground and tying you up count as interference?
Of course it does!
A worker raised his hand and waved it excitedly. Ooh, how about shooting you guys with tranquilizer darts?
Duh!
The worker shot one of the bandits. The leader growled and snatched the gun from him.
I thought you meant "Duh", as in yes.
Oh, forget it. Boys, knock 'em out!
Eww, boss. We don't swing that way!
I didn't mean knock 'em out knock 'em out, I meant knock them out!
…What?
In another car…
Edan watched his sister in amazement.
Alice, I've never seen you fight like this before. I knew our teacher said that you were talented, but this is beyond anything you've done before.
The girl in question tore through another rank of thugs. I'm only doing it to get away from him!
She motioned to Hughes, who was administering a coup de grace to the fallen thugs in the form of a conversation about his beloved wife.
She growled. That's it, I can't take anymore! I'll meet you in the engine room, brother. Alice climbed through the roof of the train car.
She soon regretted this decision. The winds on the roof howled, whipping at her dress and nearly levitating her clean off the train.
Only by repeating to herself that she didn't have to listen to Hughes was Alice able to make it to the engine room.
Meanwhile…
Edan became uncharacteristically angry. Dang it, Hughes! Can't you do anything but talk? I know that you didn't receive that military rank for no reason!
Okay… He produced a jar of pills. When I take these pills, I become a vicious fighter whose skill knows no bounds!
Whatever. Let's go. Pill popper…
At the engine room…
Give it up! You've got nowhere to run!
Alice raised an eyebrow at the leader, who was surrounded by Hughes, Edan, and the train staff. What do you mean? You're the one without anywhere to run!
The bandit leader dashed forward, ripping clear out of his bonds. He straightened his arm, and a blade flicked out of his automail hand.
Alice smirked. You think you can stop me with that toy? I'm a freaking author, you idiot! I'll crush you like a grape!
For the first time, the thug showed signs of hesitation. Really?
Well, no. But rules of engagement dictate that the combatants are supposed to banter before they fight. She tied a strip of paper to her arm. The metal liquefied, reforming itself as a rapier.
Her opponent chuckled throatily.
What?
You're going to crush me with a metal toothpick?
It's a rapier, a deadly weapon in its own right.
Toothpick.
Rapier!
Toothpick!
Rapier!
Alice suddenly found herself swinging in circles, her right leg in the bandit leader's grip. With a laugh, the man released her. The momentum carried her right into the next car.
She weakly lifted her head. This has been a great day for my brain… Her eyes closed and she passed out.
The bandit leveled his automail gun at Maes Hughes. Time to die, dog of the military!
Suddenly, the arm shattered. The thug's eyes widened in shock. The piano player cranked out a quick "Funeral March", and shock became cold fear, as the instrument fell in pieces. Meanwhile, Hughes leaned idly against the wall, twirling a throwing knife.
The bandit fell to his knees. "NOOO!" He cried, as color slowly came back into the world, along with sound. "Powers draining…away. Oh, what a world, what a world!"
"Dude, it's just a piano."
Later, at the Central City station, Mustang congratulated the Elrics on their rescue of the train.
Alice responded, "Thanks! Who are you?"
Edan silently mused over which blow to the head caused her memory loss.
Just as army personnel were loading the bandits on to the police van, the bandit leader escaped from his bonds again. However, this was to be expected, considering that he had been tied up with Twizzlers®. He rushed Mustang, screaming.
Mustang casually removed an old laptop from the briefcase he carried and typed a few words on it. A curtain of flame roared forth, toasting his would be assailant.
"By the way," he remarked. "I never did get your name."
The other coughed. "It's Bald."
Laughter echoed throughout the train station.
End of Man with the Automail Gun. But the ¼ Metal Author will return, in Episode 12: Worse than the SAT!
Secondary disclaimer: Due to complaints by the Society for Humane Treatment of Bandits, Vagabonds, and Rogues in General, the writer would like to apologize for the characters of (Parody)Bald and his comrades. They are not to be taken as accurate representations of the average Bandit, Vagabond, etc. In addition, the personality of (Parody)Maes Hughes was the result of a semi-deranged mind.