Hi everyone! I hope that you all had a happy holiday and didn't get snowed in the whole time like I did. The one time we were actually planning of having my favorite relatives up for a fun Christmas, three feet of snow gets dumped on us. Not a lot compared to where I used to live, but, if you've watched the evening news, then you know how bad it was. Living in Kentuckiana sucks! Stupid morons don't know how to take care of the roads! God they piss me off!...
Well, know that that's off my chest, I don't have much to say about this chapter, just that this is just the beginning of finding out just who Rori is and what he went through to get him to commit suicide. Even in my mind he's a complicated person and I can't wait to see how the ideas in my head transfer onto paper…
Oh, yeah. The parts in first person are Tatsuha talking to the therapist (Ezra). The parts Rori-centric parts are all written in third-person. I hope that I don't confuse you guys, but I wanted to try something different…
WARNING! This chapter does have a slight lemon in it. Read with caution if you don't like them…
Well, here it goes…
Disclaimer: I didn't get the rights for Gravitation for Christmas. cries…
Painful Memories of a Tired Heart…
It was August of 1994. I was twelve years old and I was in the sixth grade. It was the first day of school and I was so nervous because it was my first year without my older brother. I loved him so much, and was still confused on why he had been taken to America when I had to stay here in Japan without him. Dad had ignored my complaints earlier that morning and had forced me to go to school anyway.
We didn't have assigned seats, so I just picked a desk, watching everyone pick their own and hoping that someone would sit next to me this year. When no one did, I wasn't surprised but I was still hurt. I was the younger brother of a freak; after all, even that news had made it all the way back to the middle school over summer break. It tore me apart, but I never once blamed Eiri. It wasn't his fault that he was born with light hair, eyes, and skin. Even through all of that pain, I was still a happy-go-lucky boy, just like all boys my age were supposed to be.
The teacher came into the classroom and everyone fell silent. I, living up to the good student name that I had made for myself the year before, got out my notebook and a pencil and was ready to take notes when the teacher started to preach. He took role, barely even stealing a glance at all of us students, and was about to start the lesson when a knock sounded on the door. He went and opened it and talked with the school's secretary before stepping aside and allowing a new student to enter the classroom.
I remember seeing him for the first time as if were yesterday. His pale, creamy complexion, his brown hair, his shining blue eyes, I think I may have fallen for him right then and there, but I hadn't realized it yet.
The teacher introduced him. "Class," he said, "this is Rori Jacobson. He is a transfer student from America and will be taking part in our class. I want you to make sure that you provide a good example and live up to the name our school has created like you have in years past."
We all nodded and he told Rori to take a seat. There were plenty of other open seats in the classroom, many of them by pretty little girls that were busy drooling over Rori's looks, but he chose to sit by me. He walked over to the desk and gave me a small smile before sitting down beside me and pulling out his books as I had done.
"Hey, I'm Rori. What's your name?" he whispered to me, speaking in flawless Japanese, and held out a hand for me to shake while the teacher had his back turned.
"Hi, Rori. I'm Tatsuha Uesugi," I said and took the offered hand.
"Nice to meet you, Tatsuha," he said and smiled again before turning back to the teacher to pay attention to the lesson.
Up until lunch, that day passed like any other, the only difference was that I actually had someone by my side instead of just an empty seat.
I went outside with the rest of the class, carrying my lunch in one hand with a notebook tucked safely underneath my armpit. I loved to sit outside during lunch and draw in my sketchbook. Not anything in particular, just anything that popped into my head while I was sitting there. I sat down underneath a weeping willow tree, alone and safely hidden behind the leaves and branches that hung gracefully down to the ground. I opened my lunch and took a small bite of a rice ball, opening my notebook at the same time and pulling my pencil out from behind my ear. That day, I knew exactly what I wanted to draw.
Ignoring the lunch sitting beside me, I started to draw a face. His smiling face as I had remembered it in the classroom. I heard a rustling noise somewhere in front of me and quickly flipped back to the image I had started the day before, sketching on that instead.
"Whatcha doin', Uesugi?" the person asked and I looked up to see Rori's face smiling down upon me.
"Not much," I said and took another small nibble of my rice ball, offering the other to him.
"Thanks," he said and sat down next to me, stretching nimbly and taking a bite of the rice. "Your picture is really good."
"Nah, not really," I said, a small blush sneaking its way up my face. "I've done better."
"No, it's beautiful. Whose temple is it?"
"It's, um, it's where I live. My father is a monk and we own a temple," I said weakly.
"Is that your father praying?" he asked, pointing at the man who was kneeling at the altar.
I nodded. "Yeah, I snuck in while he was praying last night. I made him mad, but I think I made up for it when I showed him what I had drawn. I told him that I wanted a picture of the temple with him in it so I snuck in while I had the chance."
Rori laughed heartily and yawned. "I love art, too. Maybe sometime I can show you my pictures."
"That'd be great," I said with the first real smile I think I had shown since my brother left. "I'd love it."
The bell for class to start again rang out over the grounds and Rori stood up, stretching to the sky before offering me a helping hand to stand up.
"Welp, off to class we go, I guess," Rori said and led the way out from underneath the wilted limbs of the willow.
"Unfortunately," I laughed and followed him back into school to complete the rest the long school day.
I had a friend! For the first time in years, I had a friend that wasn't my brother. I was happy for the first time since spring earlier that year.
Our friendship blossomed over the next few years and we slowly became closer and closer until our freshman year of high school. Neither of us technically asked the other out, it just happened. I remember that I was using him as a model for an art project. I assignment was to paint a picture on a canvas of a person that was important to us. He was the most important person to me at that time and probably would be up until me and Shuichi got together.
What was I talking about again? Oh, right, when we started "going out". Well, after I finished the painting, I was so happy with the results that I wasn't thinking and I kissed him. I think he was just as surprised as I was embarrassed when we pulled apart, but after taking a minute to recover he kissed me back. I was in heaven.
I was so happy that I was blind and thought that everything was perfect. After seeing the bruises and scars, I did worry, but not enough. While I was busy blindly traveling through life, getting my oxygen from my love for Rori, Rori's world was just starting to crash around his ears…
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Tears streamed down a brunette's face as he lay in bed, listening to his parents arguing through the heating vent in his bedroom's floor. They were arguing over him, again of course, and the reason was so foolish that he felt the need to go down and slap his father just to get it over with. It was his life, after all, and he had chosen to live his life the way that he wanted to live it. And life included Tatsuha. His mother had suspected the comings of their relationship for ages, but didn't mind. He was her baby and she didn't care what he did, as long as he was happy and wasn't going to get hurt. His father, being the homophobe that he was, condemned Rori and Tatsuha's relationship to no end.
A crack like a whip rang out from below and Rori winced as he heard his mother cry out in pain, the tears falling harder. His father began to yell louder, telling her that he refused to have a gay son living under his roof, but, even after being hit, his mother fought back. She yelled that he was only fourteen years old and couldn't survive out on the streets. His father yelled for his mother to shut up and another crack rang up the stairs, causing Rori to wince again.
He heard footsteps thundering up the stairs, the only source being his angry father. Rori quickly rolled over onto his side, facing the window, and quickly wiped the tears away from his eyes before his father threw open the door. The shock the door sent thundering through the wall was enough to send a few of Rori's most treasured paintings crashing to the floor, but Rori still feigned sleep, hoping that he put up a good enough front so his father would leave him alone. He was wrong.
The blankets were pulled forcefully from his body, but Rori still didn't move. This just succeeded in pissing his father off even more and he grabbed Rori by the back of his shirt, dragging his son out of bed while Rori gasped frantically for air.
Rori found himself slammed against his bedroom wall, his father's hand around his throat and his feet dangling inches from the floor. Rori struggled with pulling the hand away, tears forming in the corners of his eyes as he gasped for air, and looked to his mother for help. She just stood in the doorway, tears falling silently down her face and bruises already starting to form on her cheek and eye.
"You listen to me, boy!" he father yelled, face inches away from Rori's. "You're gonna cut this bullshit business and you're gonna find yourself a good woman! I knew I shoulda kept you away from that Uesugi boy when I had the chance."
"Dad," Rori gasped, using up the rest of the air he had left in his lungs, "Tat-chan is my friend. That's all, I promise."
"Bullshit!" his father roared, clutching his son's neck tighter.
Rori's mother must have seen her son's face starting to turn purple because she ran over to her husband and tried pulling him off of their son.
"Joseph, let him go! You're gonna kill him!" she yelled and somehow got enough strength to pull her husband away. "He's learned his lesson," she sobbed. "You don't have to kill him!"
Rori slumped to the floor on all fours, gasping for air and rubbing at the welp that was starting to form on his neck. Thank God it was winter and he could cover up that bruise with a turtleneck once morning came.
Throwing one more disgusted look at his son over his shoulder, Rori's father stomped out of Rori's room and down the hall to he and wife's bedroom. Rori's mother ran quietly over to her son's side, wrapping gentle arms around his body while they quietly sobbed together on the floor.
"I'm so sorry, sweetie," his mother sobbed. "He didn't mean it. He was just angry."
"Just like he didn't mean to slap you? Or a call me a faggot?" Rori snarled, pulling away from his mother who stared at him with wide eyes. "Yeah, I heard every word. Next time you wanna keep a fight quiet, make sure you tell Dad not to yell so loud. I think the entire neighborhood knows that I'm gay now."
"I'm sorry," his mother said through tears and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
Rori stood up and looked around the room. He found his backpack and threw some clothes into it with his books and picked up the phone, dialing Tatsuha's home quickly when he realized that it was only eight o'clock. His lover answered on the second ring and Rori whispered his question quietly so he wouldn't arouse any suspicions from his father.
When Tatsuha finally convinced his dad to agree, Rori threw a pained look over his shoulder at the closed door before opening the window and climbing out. The home was only two stories and a quick five minute walk away from Tatsuha's, turned into a two minute run as he tried to get away from his house as quickly as possible.
He arrived at his lover's home, gasping for air because of running this time. Tatsuha greeted him with a beaming smile and let him inside, leading him back to his bedroom where they shared a passionate kiss.
"What's wrong, Rori-kun?" Tatsuha asked, frowning in concern when he saw his boyfriend rub at his neck with a painful look on his face.
"Nothing," Rori said with his trademark smile. "I was painting all day after school today and I guess standing for all that time just got to my neck."
"You sure?"
"Positive," Rori said and gave Tatsuha a hug.
"Dad was mad that you called so late and wanted to come over, but you sounded urgent so I convinced him," Tatsuha said with a laugh. "And would you stop doing that?" he asked as Rori kept rubbing at his neck with that same pained expression.
"Sorry," Rori said with a smile and laid back on the futon that Tatsuha had laid out for him. "Thank you, Tatsuha. I didn't mean to make your father so angry, but I didn't want to stay at home alone all night." A lie, but a good quick lie that Rori showed none of on his face.
"How come your parents weren't home? I thought for sure that at least one of them would be home from work by now."
"Mom did come home, but she and Dad went out for dinner about an hour later and I haven't heard from them since."
Tatsuha laid down on his futon and Rori rolled onto his side so he could face him. "I hope they're okay," Tatsuha said while staring at the ceiling.
I wish Dad was dead, Rori thought but said: "Ah, don't worry about it. They'll be home tomorrow when I get home from school. They've probably just lost track of time."
"Hopefully," Tatsuha muttered and sat up when a knock sounded from his door. "G'night, Dad," he said and the light outside the door went out.
Tatsuha motioned for Rori to move over and he helped move his boyfriend's bedroll so it was lying directly beside his. The two of them sat down beside each other on the now larger bedroll and Tatsuha leaned in, giving Rori what would have been a short, loving kiss if the other young man hadn't of wrapped his arms around him. Tatsuha smiled against Rori's lips and opened his mouth so the other could explore his cavern.
The two broke apart a few seconds later to breathe, pulling off each other's shirts before Tatsuha's lips captured Rori's again. The two laid back on the bed, Rori moving from Tatsuha's lips to suck ravenously but tenderly at the raven-haired young man's collarbone. Tatsuha moaned deep in his throat and flipped over, pinning Rori to the ground underneath him.
Tatsuha grinned passionately down at Rori and bent down, nibbling gingerly at Rori's earlobe.
"Aishiteru, Rori-kun," he whispered avidly in Rori's ear.
The words made Rori's heart flutter with joy and fill with excitement. He didn't care what his father said, this was where he belonged. Here with Tatsuha.
Tatsuha sat up slowly and looked down at Rori, using a finger to gently trace his boyfriend's slightly chiseled stomach. He smiled when he heard Rori his and felt a shiver ripple through the younger man's body at his touch, letting it grow even bigger when he felt Rori grab at his hand to get him to stop.
"You're gonna drive me insane," Rori muttered, after they kissed again.
"You were insane before you even met me," Tatsuha whispered and slowly kissed his way down Rori's chest and stomach, grinning evilly when Rori hissed and shot up straight after he dipped his tongue into the man's navel.
Rori whined in loss when Tatsuha pulled away from him, but tensed slightly when Tatsuha's weight was replaced again. Tatsuha's hands stopped their job and the raven-haired young man looked down at Rori in concern.
"You wanna do this?" he asked, not wanting to pressure Rori into doing anything.
"More than anything," Rori said, smiling when Tatsuha kissed him lovingly on the lips.
Tatsuha's hands began their job of undoing Rori's belt and pants, and, when he went to his own; Rori grabbed his hands to stop him.
"Let me do it," he muttered and undid the button and zipper on Tatsuha's pants.
They both slipped out of their highly uncomfortable jeans and laid tangled in each other's arms underneath the blankets. Tatsuha kept the lead as they laid together, using a couple of fingers to loosen his lover's entrance before he prepared to enter him. After seeing the pained expression that flashed over Rori's features from just his fingers, Tatsuha sat up and looked at Rori in question.
"I'm okay," Rori said and pulled Tatsuha back down so he could kiss him lightly. "Don't worry."
"Are you sure?" Tatsuha asked, not wanting to hurt Rori their first time together.
Rori nodded and stroked Tatsuha gently, reveling in the quiet moan it aroused out of his lover.
Tatsuha kissed Rori lightly and prepared himself when he felt Rori spread his thighs slightly to give him enough room. Tatsuha situated himself so he could enter Rori so that it was comfortable for them both, and, slowly and gently, he entered Rori completely.
The pain that Rori felt was nothing compared to the amount of pleasure that he got when Tatsuha found that spot inside of him. He moaned deep in his throat and wrapped his ankles around Tatsuha's waist, not wanting him to stop thrusting. Tatsuha got the hint and started to move faster, but still gently, and began to stroke Rori in time with his thrusts, resulting in another deep moan from Rori's throat.
The two moved in a synchronized dance as they edged closer and closer to climax. Rori came first, moaning Tatsuha's name as quietly as he could deep in his throat. Tatsuha came next, shooting his seed into Rori and moaning quietly before collapsing onto Rori's chest.
Rori gathered the exhausted man into his arms and stroked his hair softly, sighing when he heard Tatsuha's breath even out and deepen. He kissed the raven-haired young man softly on the head and falling into a deep sleep sometime later.
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I should have realized that something was up after that first night, but I was so blinded by what we shared that I let it carelessly slip my mind. I should have become more concerned when I noticed that he wore a turtleneck to school the next day, and something always covered his neck for the next couple of weeks. I began to see black and blue marks show up on his arms and legs and one on his stomach. He always lied to me when I asked him what the problem was. They were good lies, I'll give him that much, but they were still lies. I was still too blind back then to really question what was going on.
We never went to his house, he always came to mine, and we just hung out or did more. Neither of us ever questioned our love for each other because we knew that we were meant to be together. Forever and for always.
Later that year I started to work at the temple and started to follow in my father's shoes. I was a great monk. No, scratch that, and make it an awesome monk. I loved my job, but with the demands I got from my father, school, and duties I had to fulfill in my job as a monk, I never got to spend much time with Rori. Both of us suffered greatly from that, but, now that I think about it, I think he was the one that really suffered.
I was happy with my life and how I was spending it. I loved someone who loved me back, my home life was awesome, I was infatuated with Ryuichi Sakuma and Rori didn't seem to care…I didn't think that anything would be able to get me down.
I never told my father about my relationship with Rori. I didn't even tell my brother in the fear that he would condemn me or something completely off the wall like that. Eiri was, well, he was a player…actually I think that a pimp would be the most precise word to describe him, always sleeping with a different woman every night. But then, along came Shuichi, the J-pop pink-haired baka who, just as me, didn't have a single care in the world except for his relationship. He was the one good thing in Eiri's life and I had to sit back and watch him torture the happy boy because I was still afraid to tell him about Rori. I don't know why I was so terrified, probably because I was one of the few who could see through Eiri's constantly scowling mask, but to this day I haven't told anyone about Rori. Well, excluding one person.
Mika Seguchi, my older sister and the mother figure in my life since almost the day I was born. I loved and still do love her with all of my heart and would trust her with my life. She's beautiful, rich, and can turn into a bitch in .3 seconds. I don't know why I chose her to be the only one that I told about my relationship, after all, she was married to a man who only agreed to the marriage so he could get closer to Eiri. If anything, she could have condemned all homosexuals and sent them to hell for ruining her life, but she didn't. She understood Touma, or at least tried to understand why her husband loved a man who hated him with all of his being, and that was what I loved the most about her. Even if she did try to blindly take the only thing making Eiri happy out of his life.
So, while out to lunch with her one day I told her about Rori and our relationship. I even told her about my worries about his home life. She understood my worry but told me that worrying only made things worse. So, I stopped worrying and left her with a hug and words of thanks before heading home.
Over the next few weeks, I tried my hardest not to worry and did a pretty damn good job of it too. But then, strange cuts started showing up on his forearms near his wrists and insides of his elbows, and on his legs around his ankles. I had sparsely heard about people who cut themselves before, but never in my life had I thought that Rori would do it.
Half a year passed and the cuts started showing up on Rori like there was no end. They started getting deeper and deeper, and I'll admit that I was terrified. Before, I didn't know if they the cuts were made by him or just accidental, but by this time I knew that he was cutting himself. I confronted him about them a couple of times but he just told me that it was from his job. He worked in a botanical garden with a lot of roses and other thorny flowers that could easily cut you, so, being the good boyfriend that I was, I believed him. I don't know how I could have been so stupid, though.
Slowly but surely, the rest of the year went by and fifteen for me turned to sixteen, and Rori's father made what I think was the cruelest mistake of his life. It was my sixteenth birthday and I had the few friends that I accumulated over the years over to my house for a small party. Rori told me that he would show up after work, which was around five, but by six there was still no sign of him. The only thing that kept me away from the phone and calling him was that I knew that his father didn't approve of our relationship and would definitely not approve of me calling his house.
So I waited, and waited, and waited, and, finally, he showed up at eight. He ran into the house, gasping for breath and tears steaming freely down his face. The sight was definitely not one that I wanted to see on the man who had shown up to my house three hours late. I was more than terrified; hell, I don't even think there's a word to describe how scared it was. Everyone else had left by then, so I led Rori back to my bedroom, informing my father that Rori was going to stay because I didn't think that it would be good if he returned home for the night. Dad rolled his eyes, but agreed, grudgingly
I gave Rori a pair of sweats and let him change and splash some water on his face so he could calm down a bit, and then set him down on what I had deemed his bedroll to get him to talk. I had to struggle to keep my own tears from falling when I saw that he also had deep gouges carved into his chest and stomach that I knew couldn't have come from working at the garden. He saw this and hung his head, finally telling me that, yes, he had been cutting himself and that he was sorry for lying to me about it.
I asked him why, he just shoved the question away with a lame conversation turner. I asked again and he did the same goddamn thing. I had to physically hit him across the face to get him to look at me and make him realize that I cared about him and wanted to know what in the hell was so bad in his life that could make him want to cut himself. That was when he told me about his good for nothing father and that he was taking the family back to America. The reason for that decision hurt me more than anything had by that point and time in my life.
The reason was me.
I couldn't handle it. I broke down and sobbed into Rori's shoulder. I knew that I couldn't live without Rori in my life. I had become addicted to seeing his smiling face, his beautiful blue eyes, his curly brown hair, his creamy pale skin, his deep, throaty voice. I was obsessed with this man.
Rori held me so gently that night and made everything so perfect. Everything he did was filled with love and for the first time in months he smiled a true smile. He whispered words of passion into my ear, letting me know that even if he would never be able to physically touch me like he was again; he would be doing it in his dreams. I remember how my whole body seemed to blush at that comment and how the twin rivers of joy and sadness that he kissed away seemed to burn trails into my cheeks and down my neck.
He left my house early the next morning, giving me one of the most passionate kisses he had ever given me and telling me that he loved me and that I shouldn't worry.
"Worrying only makes things worse," he said. "Dad won't be able to separate us forever."
And with those final words of hope, he left me alone, cold, and crying…
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It was four o'clock in the morning, Rori saw as he sat in the tree outside his window. The argument he had had with his father before running to Tatsuha's house was one of their most heated in a long time.
His father wasn't planning on selling their home in Japan because he said that he planned on returning once Rori had found a woman and married. Much to his displeasure, his only son scowled and shouted that he should just plan on selling the house because leaving Japan wasn't going to make him give up on Tatsuha. For his joy-filled moment of sarcasm, however, Rori was hit in the back with his father's belt as he ran up the stairs to seclude himself in his room.
Tears steaming down his face, Rori pulled out his bedside drawer and dumped the contents onto his bed. He dropped down to his knees and frantically, urgently, dug through the contents until he found the pocket knife his father had given him for his tenth birthday. Oh, how ironic it would be if a gift from the once proud father was the tool that the son had chosen to commit suicide with. Rori smiled at the thought and flicked open the blade he had sharpened everyday for the past month.
With his eyes closed, Rori placed the blade next to his wrist, waiting for the balls to press down. A picture of his father's contorted, screaming face placed itself in the front of his mind, and Rori's clenched his eyes closed tighter as he applied a little more pressure to the blade in his hand.
An image of a smiling face with raven-hair and grey eyes flashed through his mind and a muffled sob escaped through Rori's clenched teeth as he opened his eyes, reluctantly pulling the blade away from his wrist. A few drops of blood oozed from the cut on his wrist and Rori them away with the hem of his tee-shirt. His wrist pulsed and seemed empty without the added weight of the blade, almost as if they had been made to be slit. Rori sighed and dropped his hand, with blade, down to his side before burying in his bed, sobbing uncontrollably into the sheets.
God, how he hated his father! If Rori could have one wish right there, he would wish that his father would collapse onto the kitchen floor from a heart attack or something equally as painful. As the morbid thoughts that drifted through his mind, Rori threw some things into the duffel bag to at least appease his father somewhat. He really didn't want to get another beating when he woke up in the morning.
When he had a few pair of clothes and important items stuffed into the bag, Rori picked the knife up again and drew it three times across his arm, not too deep, but deep enough for a steady flow of blood to coat his upper arm. He sighed and wrapped his bicep in some gauze to stem the blood flow before collapsing onto his bed and waiting for eight o'clock to come around and his parents to go to bed.
Not soon enough, he heard the telltale sounds of his parent's footsteps up the staircase and down the hall to their room, closing the door behind them.
Rori removed the gauze from his arm, glad to see that the blood had stopped and the cuts were already clotting over. He waited a few more minutes, just to make sure that his father or mother weren't planning on making a quick trip to his room for a check-in, and then climbed gracefully out the window and into the tree he was sitting in now.
Eight long hours had passed since then and Rori prayed to God, asking him for just one favor. Please don't let his father be in there when he climbs back in.
Rori sighed heavily and jumped gracefully from the limb and into his bedroom, more than grateful to see that neither of his father nor his mother was awaiting his return on the other side. He thanked God and climbed into bed, drifting off into what only felt like an hour of sleep before his father was pounding in his bedroom door to get him to wake up.
Sitting up and checking the clock, Rori realized that it had indeed only been an hour of sleep. It was five o'clock in the morning and his father was ready to go. Rori climbed groggily out of bed and pulled on a long sleeve tee-shirt to hide his wounds from his father's eagle-like eyes. It wouldn't do any good now to have his father find out about his self-injury, now would it?
With one final glance at his room, Rori threw a picture of Tatsuha into his duffel bag before closing the door and heading downstairs to meet his father and mother at the bottom. Just from the look on his father's face, Rori knew that he had already pissed the man off without doing anything and Rori braced himself for the onslaught he was sure to get.
"Never seen those sweatpants before, boy. Where'd ya get 'em?" he asked, almost yelled.
"They're new. I got them last weekend when mom and I went shopping," Rori replied, trying to use the best non-smart aleck tone of voice that he could muster.
"Bullshit," his father spat. "You didn't go shopping with your mother last weekend. She took the liberty to inform me that you went to your boyfriend's house instead of spending the day with her. Is that true?"
Rori, head held high, nodded. "Yes, actually, I did go to see Tatsuha last weekend. And ya know what? It was great," he said, trying his best to piss his already heated father off.
"I don't want to know what you do when you go to that faggot's house!" his father thundered, towering over Rori. "And just who in the hell do you think you are? Disobeying me when I told you not to go over there?"
"I am Tatsuha's lover. That's just who in the hell I think I am," Rori spat back venomously.
"How dare you talk to me like that, boy!" his father yelled and back-handed him across the face. "You will appreciate everything I do for you and you will listen to what I tell you do and obey it. You got that, boy?"
"Yes, Father," Rori said through clenched teeth as his father stomped out the house, his mother following teary-eyed after him.
They all climbed into the small car and made their way to the airport, Rori's dad yelling at him the whole way for things that he never thought they had a problem with. Rori didn't pay attention, his thoughts were stuck on Tatsuha and how he would survive if he couldn't see his lover's face everyday.
It was then that he came up with the perfect plan to keep in contact with Tatsuha and not have his father find out about it. Once back in Borden, he would get his own P.O. Box at the post office and send Tatsuha letters from there. No letters would have to arrive at his home and his father would never have to know that he was talking to Tatsuha. Easy as that.
The plane ride back to the States was a bitch, just like the one to Japan had been, and Rori mostly either slept, read, drew, or listened to his CD player the entire time. Fourteen hours later, Rori and family walked into the 'Ville's international airport for the first time in forever.
Rori didn't have much time to admire the developments however, before he was shoved in the back and towards the grandmother that so lovingly awaited the families return. He was smothered in hugs and kisses and rolled his eyes at the "look how big you're gotten"s and "I bet the girls love you"s. It was all rather annoying to him and he kept his grandma happy by smiling sarcastically at all of her comments.
The five piled into the car and drove another hour and a half until they were back in the BFE of Indiana. Borden, a small town in the middle of nowhere, fifteen minutes from the nearest McDonalds and thirty from the nearest grocery store…the perfect little town to isolate your family in.
As they pulled up the driveway of their old house, Rori took the time to appreciate just how much his grandmother had taken care of the home for the three years that they were gone. He helped his father with the luggage and carried his bag back into his bedroom, smiling and shaking his head at the eleven year old room décor. It was so horrible that he was almost embarrassed. The Mickey Mouse bed comforter and sheets, the cartoon and anime posters that hung on his walls, the glow in the dark stars stuck to his ceiling with sticky tack.
Rori dropped his bag on the floor next to his bed and fell onto the mattress, letting tears of joy and sadness fall down his face. He was guilty because he was so glad to be home, that sort of homesickness he had felt since he arrived in Japan was gone, but he knew that he might never see Tatsuha again. But he would never let that happen. He didn't care if it was thirty years from now, he would see Tatsuha again, with his father's permission or not.
Over the summer, his room started looking more and more like the room of a fifteen year old, and he started his sophomore year of high school that August, successfully talking to Tatsuha through mail all summer through the P.O. Box. He was glad to be returning to school and was almost immediately accepted back into his old group of friends, but there was still a sort of emptiness inside of him that would only be filled by seeing Tatsuha's smiling face again.
He got that chance sometime near the end of September. Fall pictures had been taken at school and he got the ones that his mom had paid for, cutting one out before taking it home so he could send it with his next letter to Tatsuha. He went to the post office that afternoon, sending the letter and picture, and checking his P.O. Box to see if he had anything. And, sure enough, there was a letter from Tatsuha.
In a hurry to open the letter, Rori went to the local pizzeria where he was supposed to meet his friends a few minutes later. He got a table for six and sat down, tearing open the envelope in a hurry after ordering his drink. Rori pulled the letter out and read the perfect Japanese script that was scrawled across the paper:
Rori-kun,
How are you doing? By the sounds of your last letter it sounded like you were doing better. Are you? Please tell me that you've at least cut down (horrible pun, I know). I wish I could be there to help you and I don't think that I'll ever be able to completely forgive your father for taking you away from me, but I'm trying my best to get along without you. School's different without you here. Everyone's all over me, guys and girls, and girls always give me their pretty pouts and pry whenever I tell them that I'm already taken. You should see their faces change when I say it's you. It's hilarious…
I miss you so much! I wish I could see you and hold you somewhere besides in my dreams. I know that this may sound cheesy, but I talk to your picture at night when I can't talk to you. Stupid, I know, but it makes me think that you're here, even if I can't hold you. I can still hear your voice echoing in my mind from the last time we made love. I don't ever want to forget that, or your voice, and you better come back to me by that time. Because you know that if you don't come for me, I'll come for you…
You'll never believe who I got to meet yesterday. It was Ryuichi Sakuma! Can you believe it? My brother's new lover (his name is Shuichi) is friends with him and he introduced me to him. Don't worry, I didn't try to molest him or anything (he, he) but he's so damn cute. You know that you think he is too. Anyway, I'm sending a picture of me, Sakuma-san, Shuichi, and Eiri backstage after a Bad Luck concert (that's Shuichi's band, just in case you haven't heard of them yet). I hope you like it!...
Well, I would say more but I've got to get back to work before Dad succeeds in killing me with his death glare. Remember, I'll be waiting for you…
Aishiteru, Tatsuha
Rori smiled brightly and folded the letter up, checking the envelope for the picture Tatsuha had said that he sent. He found the small four inch print and stared at his lovingly, engraving his lover's features into his memory. Tatsuha's hair was longer, shaggier, than he last remembered it, but his merry grey eyes and bright smile were still the same. Rori laughed at the outfit that Tatsuha was wearing, as he knew that the raven-haired man knew that it was his favorite. The black polo shirt, blue jeans, and black Chuck's ensemble fit Tatsuha's mood perfectly and made Rori moan in longing just from looking at it.
In the photo, Tatsuha stood beside the infamous Ryuichi Sakuma, who smiled at the camera with one of the sexiest smiles Rori had seen from him. A young man that Rori thought was Shuichi stood next to Ryuichi, his pink hair dripping with sweat and one of his arms entwined through the tall blonde's standing next to him. Rori instantly recognized the blonde as Tatsuha's grouchy older brother and was strangely surprised to see a happy smile on the blonde's face. Rori flipped the picture over and saw Tatsuha's script on the back: me, Sakuma-san, Shuichi, and Eiri…April 14 at Zepp Tokyo.
Smiling one more time at the picture, Rori put it and the letter back into the envelope and set it on the table while the first of his friends entered the pizzeria.
"Hey, Ror, you been here long?" his friend Cheyne asked as she took the seat next to him.
Rori shook his head. "No, not long. I had to stop by the post office so that burned up some time."
Cheyne nodded and pointed to the envelope sitting on the table. "Get anything good?"
Rori blushed and grabbed at the letter, but not before Cheyne got to it. "Hey, it's from Japan! Can I read it?" she asked, pulling at the flap.
"Sure, I don't care," Rori said, damning his luck. The one friend that he had that was almost as fluent in Japanese as he was just had to find it, dammit!
Cheyne smiled and took out the letter, reading it slowly so she could take everything in. Rori sat and watched as his only girl friend read the letter, mentally praying that she wouldn't condemn him for his sexual preference. Cheyne finished reading the letter with a smile and looked at the picture.
"He's a cutie," she said and laughed when Rori blushed. "I'm glad that you found someone who loves you, Rori. You need it after everything your father's put you through."
"Tatsuha's the reason he's putting me through it all," Rori muttered, "but I won't give up on him. I can't give up on him. Not yet."
"I understand," Cheyne whispered, "how hard it can be to please your parents when they don't like your choices. And you can't give up on him. Just by reading this letter, I know that if you don't go to him, he'll come to you, whether your father likes it or not."
"I know," Rori said with a smile. "Thanks, Cheyne."
"I try," Cheyne said with a grin. "Hey!" she said, eyes getting wide, "I think I know how we can get your dad off your back."
"How?" Rori said sarcastically. He'd given up all hope of getting his father off his back a long time ago.
"Let's go out," she said, smiling innocently when she saw the disgusted look on Rori's face. "It won't be that bad, plus, I never said on a date or as a couple. Just as friends. I can pose as your girlfriend around your father, but other than that we can just go to the mall or movies or anything like that. I'm taken too, ya know, and we're just friends, so I wouldn't think of taking you from Tatsuha."
"Sure," Rori laughed, "but no kissing or anything. We can hold hands, but kissing is where I draw the line."
"Don't worry about it," Cheyne laughed and shut up as everyone else filed in.
Rori spent a good three hours at the pizzeria, just hanging out with his friends, but got home an hour after curfew. Luckily, his father was still at work and his mother let him off the hook, allowing him to go up and fall asleep before anything could happen to him.
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We talked back and forth through letters all our sophomore year. I loved hearing from him, but we could only talk about twice a month. He called me a few times but it was always at a friend's house so his father wouldn't find the international call on the phone bill, so we never got to talk for very long. I didn't care, though. Just as long as I got to hear his voice.
I was more than hurt when I heard that his friend Cheyne was posing as his girlfriend to get his father off his back. Well, I was happy that he wouldn't get beat or anything anymore and prayed that it would keep him from cutting, but it was still hurt. I was his lover, not her, and it wasn't fair that she got to go out and touch him everyday when I couldn't even touch him. I think that was when I started tearing myself apart. My brother was so happy now that he had put his past demons aside and was finally able to love Shuichi the way he needed to be loved, but yet there I was. I was the one who had found the love of my life at eleven, the one that should have been the happiest of everyone because I never had to deal with a haunting past or nightmares or anything like that. I know that it may sound selfish, but I always thought that it wasn't fair.
I started slacking off on my duties at the temple and fell into a deep depression. Everyone around me knew it, Rori even knew just from talking to me over the phone and in my letters, but never did anything. They knew that I wouldn't be better until I was able to see him again. Something they also knew was that I may never be able to see him again. But they still never tried, no one but Shu and Ryuichi showed any effort to try and cheer me up.
Then, one summer day between my junior and senior years, I got a letter from Rori's father and then one from his mother. The second I saw the man's script on one of the envelope, I got pissed, but I controlled my anger just enough to open it and read it. I don't know why I decided to open his father's before I opened his mothers, but I wish I had done the opposite. Although, most people say that it's better to get the bad news out of the way before hearing the good news so that the bad can't ruin the good.
His father had found the place where Rori hid my letters. I don't know why he decided to search Ror's room, but he and Cheyne's "relationship" must've been easy to read through after a while. He told me that I was to never talk to his son again or he would take me to court…or, if that failed, he would have me killed. At that point, I knew, his father was a Grade-A psycho. He didn't tell me what he did to Rori or, as morbid as this may sound, what Rori's condition was. All he did was yell, well, he wrote in all capitals which is the closest to yelling that you can get in a letter.
Next was the letter from his mother. I had always loved his mother like my own, as much as I hated his father and knew that I could trust every word that she said. It's true that this one held beyond glorious news, but it also held Rori's condition. She hadn't been home at the time of the "incident", as she had called it, but she said that Rori came home from school one day to the wrath of his father. If she hadn't of gotten home when she did, she said that she knew that he would have ended up killing him. He would have fucking beat his own son to the point of death! Can you believe that? I don't think that I ever cried that hard and, if I had had the money, the first thing I would have done would've been to hop on a plane and fly over to Borden and beat his father senseless. Let him see how it feels. She said that Rori had been in the hospital for month and was going to be released in a few days, but that wasn't the best news.
She also said that, behind his father's back, she had given Rori enough money for a one-way ticket to Japan and a new home and clothes and all that good stuff. She said that she knew what the repercussions would be for her actions, but anything was better than having to watch her baby suffer. She knew that I loved him and she knew that he loved me, and she had long accepted that. She also sent her apologies for her husband's behavior, knowing how much I hated him and also how much her words meant to me. I wish I could have sent her a thank-you or something, but then I would have just gotten Rori in even more trouble.
I spent the rest of the summer in high hopes, just waiting for the day that Rori would return to me…
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It was a chilly morning in early August of 2001 when Rori gave his mom her last hug goodbye and snuck out his bedroom window for Cheyne's. Their goodbye was full of tears and fear, but they both knew that Japan was where he belonged. Back in Japan with Tatsuha, away from any harm that his father could do to him. He told his mother about the P.O. Box, the one thing that his father hadn't discovered yet, and gave her the key, promising her that he would send her letters to keep in touch. Then, as quickly and quietly as he had snuck out every night over the summer, Rori left, climbing down the rose-free lattice and onto the ground. He gave one last wave to his mother as he ran, terrified of turning around to see his father's angry face chasing him.
He made it to Cheyne's a couple of minutes later, as they both living in the same little subdivision, and they were on the road soon after. On the way to the airport, they talked about the fun times they had spend together and how glad they were that they got to spend some more time with each other, even if it was only for a year. Their goodbye at the airport was as tear-filled as the one he had shared with his mother and they hugged each other, promising to write, once more before Rori climbed on the plane.
Rori checked his watch and sighed. He had made it and his father didn't know anything about it. Well, not yet at least. Wiping the new tears from his eyes, Rori looked out his window and waved at Cheyne, who was staring in a lost sort of way out the window. She smiled and waved back, running off in hysterics as the plane stared to move.
Rori sighed once again, heavier than before, almost as if he were setting a wild animal that he loved but knew he couldn't keep free. It was a lot more painful than he thought it would have been, but he was relieved. Now he could live in peace.
These thoughts drifted Rori's head as he closed his eyes, drifting off into a peaceful sleep as the plane took flight.
He was awoken by the pilot a few minutes later as he came over the intercom, announcing that they would be landing in ten minutes. Rori nearly jumped up from his seat. He had slept almost all fourteen hours? Damn.
The plane did just as the pilot had announced and Rori grabbed his bag and got off the plane fifteen minutes later, making sure that he was the last person off. He saw that the first rays of morning sunlight were just beginning to peek over the horizon and yawned widely. Now the damn jet lag was going to get to him. Oh, well.
Rori made his way through the crowded airport and, since he had no baggage besides his backpack, walked out the doors. He hailed a cab and gave him specific directions, hoping that it wasn't too early. There was somewhere he had to stop at before going to the home his mother had previously bought for him.
As the busy city streets slowly change to quiet countryside, Rori sighed and relaxed in the seat. It finally hit him then, he had made it. He had finally made it back to Japan, to Tatsuha, to…his life, and there was nothing his father could do to get him back! Rori uttered a small laugh at that and closed his eyes against the bright sun… He was back.
He was half asleep again by the time the taxi stopped at his destination, and the driver had to snap at him a few times before he realized that they weren't stopped at a red light. After a few hurried but sincere apologies, Rori paid the driver and go out to walk the rest of the block.
The familiar trees edged into his vision and Rori smiled brightly, breaking out into a full-out run. More familiar landmarks began to show up and he began to slow, stopping at the gates to the old country house. He stood for a few seconds, eyes wide and butterflies thrashing around in his stomach, before finally taking a step inside. One step and then another and then another and then a jog and then a run.
Ignoring his nerves, Rori knocked on the door, smiling as widely and politely as possible at the woman who answered it.
"Excuse me, ma'am." he said, cringing when he heard how rusty his Japanese sounded, "but is Tatsuha here?"
"Of course," the woman said, smiling brightly, "hold on a second," and then she walked off, returning a few seconds later with a rather confused Tatsuha.
"I'm back," Rori whispered, "Tat-kun."
Tatsuha's eyes immediately grew to twice their usual size and he turned to face Rori, smiling brightly at the American.
"Ro-Rori-kun?" Tatsuha asked, voice quavering with every word as he touched Rori's face affectionately.
Rori closed his eyes peacefully against the gentle touches and nodded, wrapping his arms tightly around the man who began to shower his face with kisses and tears. His own tears mixed with Tatsuha's and he kissed his lover passionately, a kiss he had been longing to bestow upon the man since they had been split.
"Aishiteru, Tat-kun," he whispered softly when they pulled apart.
"Aishiteru, koi," Tatsuha managed to get out before breaking into hysteric sobs again.
Rori squeezed Tatsuha tightly, burying his face in his raven locks. He cried silent, happy tears and kissed Tatsuha softly when they pulled apart.
"Sorry," Tatsuha muttered, fingering the wet spot on Rori's shoulder. "I didn't mean to bawl all over you."
"Don't worry about it," Rori said with a smile, lacing his fingers with his lover's, and kissing him again. "I missed you."
Tatsuha smiled brightly, tears still streaming down his face. "I missed you, too," he muttered, "but how did you get here? I mean, I heard from your mom but what about your father? Does he know?"
"I'm alive, aren't I?" Rori mumbled coldly, instantly angered by the mention of his father.
"Don't say that," Tatsuha pleaded and kissed Rori again. "I'm sorry."
"Don't worry," Rori said and grinned, turning to the wide-eyed brunette inside the doorway. "Hey, Mika-san, 'member me?"
Mika laughed and nodded. "Rori, I'm guessing? Nice to see you again. You look good!"
"Thanks," Rori said, rubbing the back of his head.
"When did you get here?" Tatsuha asked.
"About half an hour ago, I haven't even been home yet," Rori said, "but I guess I should, huh?"
Tatsuha laughed. "Yeah, that might be a good idea."
"You wanna come with me?" Rori asked, wiping the semi-dried tears away from Tatsuha's face.
"You don't have to ask that twice," Tatsuha said. "And I don't have duties today so you don't have to worry about me gettin' in trouble."
"Well, come on," Rori said, taking Tatsuha by the hand and leading him out. "See ya later, Mika-san."
"Bye, Rori-chan," Mika called and closed the door as the two left, silently thanking God for letting Tatsuha find someone like Rori and hoping that everything would be alright now.
But, little did she know, the worst was yet to come
TBC…
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A/N: Well, I guess I'll leave at that for now. Tat and Rori are back together. WHOO-HOO! And I only left with a minor cliffhanger and just a tittle bit of suspense. I think that the next chapter will start with a little bit of catch up with Shu and the band, then I'll tell you about their senior of high school and last year together. And is Rori really out of trouble? shrugs It depends on how I feel when I start the next chapter, but it won't be very interesting if his father doesn't come back somehow, now will it?...
And, thanks so much to: GravityNeko, KageKitsune16, Kitty in the Box, CassiToTheStars, tangerine-asuka, clueless97, Ryuichi Sakuma, shadowcat06, CrystalFlowers, Kaede Yuki, and Guren for all the kick ass reviews! Please, be absolutely truthful and tell me what you think about this chapter. I know that it's really not like any of my other chapters, but I think it's okay. What about you?...
Well, I gots to go. Catch ya'll at the beginning of chapter twelve. Ja!...