Hey, guys. Sorry about the mix up. I didn't have all of ch. 18 saved on my computer for some reason and forgot about it. sighs Sorry again. But here's the whole finished chapter…
Hello… Welp, things haven't gotten any better lately and I don't know how long it'll take for me to write this, so…if it's late, I'm sorry. But I am trying. I'm trying to make this my outlet again…I just need to see if it'll work. They only work so long before you gotta find a new one and I'm not very good at anything else…
Disclaimer: It's not mine and never will be… The poem in here is "The Dredd Song" and I dunno who it belongs to. I got it from my friend as an inspirational thing for my cutting and figured it'd be great for Yuki to give Shu…
There's No Place like Home…
The next few days went by in a mixture of happiness and tears. Shuichi was still in the mental hospital. Tatsuha had been released from the hospital and returned home with Ryuichi, who as to be his caretaker. No one had seen nor heard anything from one Hiroshi Nakano, though they knew he still resided in his Tokyo apartment. Eiri practically lived in the hospital with Shuichi, never leaving the man's side unless he was physically chased out by a nurse or doctor. Some things were getting better, but they weren't the same. Things would never be able to be the same again…
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Ryuichi Sakuma sighed and closed his eyes against the cool summer breeze. When Tatsuha had been released they'd returned to Ryuichi's home in the mountains of upstate New York. He didn't want to leave at such a critical moment, but he'd had to. He wanted to be happy, but if he had stayed in Japan, his old self would've resurfaced even further than it already had and he didn't want anyone to see him like that. It was too painful for him to see himself that way, he didn't want to worry about the ones he loved as well.
The crickets and tree frogs chirping in the trees around him made Ryuichi feel relaxed, but something kept nagging at the back of his head. A conversation he'd had with Shuichi after revealing his past to the raven-haired man…
"If it saved you life, why do you still hide it?" Shu had asked.
Ryuichi had just smiled and dried the rest of his tears. "I don't know about you, but I like the man-child Ryuichi a lot more than this Ryuichi. He's more lovable."
"But he's not who you are."
"He's who I was for three years and it's hard to get rid of someone you were for so long a time"…
The brunette sighed. Shuichi was right. Why was he still hiding? He had come to peace with his past and what had happened, so why couldn't he come to peace with himself? Was it because he still blamed himself? But it hadn't been his fault that the fire started, he hadn't even been home.
A small cough echoed through the trees and across the lake, pulling Ryuichi from his thoughts. He turned to see Tatsuha leaning against the doorframe. He smiled.
"Hey," he said, his voice a little strained.
"Hey," Tatsuha replied with a small smile and stepped out onto the deck. "You okay?"
Ryuichi nodded…then shook his head. "No, not really."
Tatsuha chuckled quietly. "You wanna talk about it?"
The brunette shrugged. "I dunno. I'm just worried about Shuichi, 's all. Last I heard he still wasn't responding to treatment. I don't know if he just doesn't want to get better, but I wish he'd try. For us."
"He is," Tatsuha muttered. "I know that he's trying, but he can't get past his own demons. He's not one to speak his emotions anymore and he can't have help until he can get over the wall separating his darkness from his light."
Ryuichi sighed, defeated. "I know. I just wish we could've helped him last year, before he ever got to this point."
Silence fell between them for a moment, broken only by Ryuichi's shallow breathing as he tried to keep himself from crying. Tatsuha sighed and placed a hand on top of the one that Ryuichi had clenched on the railing.
"It's no good blaming yourself, Ryu. You'll only feel worse," the raven-haired man whispered. "And it wasn't your fault."
"I know, I just…" The tears began to flow. "…I just should've noticed that something was wrong with him, but I didn't."
Tatsuha pulled Ryuichi into a tight hug, letting him lay his head on the crook of his shoulder.
"If it's anyone's fault for not noticing, it would be mine, Ryu," Tatsuha cooed. "You were half a world away most of the time, so it's more than understandable that you didn't notice. But me? I lived in the same house as him the entire time and never thought that he would try to commit suicide."
Ryuichi shook his head. "It's all our faults."
Tatsuha nodded. "Yeah, it is."
Silence fell again, filled by the crickets and tree frogs, and the two men just stood in the comfort of each others arms for what felt like an eternity. Sometime during the quiet, Ryuichi cried his silent tears and gripped onto Tatsuha tightly, not wanting the man to go for fear of being alone. He didn't know what he would do if he had to be alone again; he didn't even want to think about it.
"Ryuichi," Tatsuha whispered, running his fingers through the brunette man's hair gently. "It's okay, koi. It'll all be okay."
Ryuichi shook his head but didn't say anything. His mind wouldn't make any coherent thought, much less words for him to voice his fears and emotions. Tatsuha sighed and rubbed Ryuichi's back softly.
After a few more minutes of quiet crying, Ryuichi straightened up and wiped his face dry, smiling self-depreciatingly at Tatsuha.
"Sorry about that, Tat," he whispered. "I didn't mean to bawl all over you."
Tatsuha smiled at him and shook his head. "No, don't worry about it. Sometimes you just need to cry and let everything out."
Ryuichi nodded and grinned. "Thanks."
Tatsuha nodded and grabbed onto Ryuichi's hand. "Come on. Let's go back inside and get some sleep," he said and pulled Ryuichi inside. Ryuichi nodded.
Tatsuha started to pull Ryuichi back to their bedroom, but the brunette pulled free, smiling at the boy when he turned to look at him in question.
"You go on in," he muttered. "I'll be in in a minute."
Tatsuha furrowed his brow, but nodded anyway and left Ryuichi alone in the living room. The brunette collapsed onto the couch and put his head in his hands.
'Weak.'
He shook his head at the voice in his mind.
'Weak. Weak. Coward. You always run away from everything. You'll never be strong enough.'
He shook his head more violently, trying to dislodge whatever thing lived in his head and get it to shut up. He wasn't running away. His departure from Japan had been the best for himself and everyone else. No one would've wanted to be around him had he stayed and gotten worse. It would've been Hell.
'Stop lying to yourself, you coward. You know that everything would've been better had Noriko not found you all those years ago. Everyone would be so much better.'
He shook his head. "No, go away," he whispered, hugging his body tightly as he pulled his knees up to his chest. "You're wrong."
'None of this would've happened if you were never here. Everything's your fault. It's always your fault.'
"Stop it," Ryuichi moaned, clutching his head in his hands. "Leave me alone."
'You know that you can't get rid of me, Ryu. Nothing can.'
Ryuichi closed his eyes against the tears that threatened to spill over. No, it was wrong. He would be dead if Noriko hadn't have found him back then and Nittle Grasper would've been formed and Shuichi would've never started singing and… It was his fault.
No! It wasn't his fault. Just because he was Shuichi's idol and the reason why he'd wanted to start singing didn't mean that he was the cause of the singer's demise. No! It wasn't his fault.
'Liar. You're nothing but a liar.'
Ryuichi's eyes snapped open and he stood up from the couch. He all but ran back to the bathroom and closed and locked the door. As quietly and quickly as he could, he searched the medicine cabinet until he found what he was looking for. Percocet. Ryuichi smiled slightly and opened the small orange bottle, dumping two of the white pills into his open palm.
A knock on the bathroom door made Ryuichi jump and the pills fell into the sink. He cursed silently and watched helplessly as the pills went down the drain.
"You okay, Ryu?" Tatsuha's muffled voice echoed through the small bathroom.
Ryuichi sighed. "Yeah, I'm fine. I'll be out in a minute."
He heard Tatsuha pause, though why he didn't know. "Okay," he said and Ryuichi heard his footsteps slowly fade away down the hall.
The brunette looked back down into the bottle in his hands and sighed.
'Weak.'
He dumped two more pills into his palm and dry swallowed them, cringing at the after taste. He clamped the white top back onto the bottle and hid it safely behind the box of bandages and bottle of ibuprofen before closing the cabinet door. He could already feel the effects of the drugs in his system and he woozed a little on his feet before splashing some water on his face and leaving the bathroom.
He went into the bedroom he shared with Tatsuha and looked sadly upon the slumbering boy. Why was he doing this to him after everything that Tatsuha had been through? It was wrong, so wrong, and even though he didn't know anything yet, Ryuichi was sure that the disappearance of the pain medication would rouse some kind of suspicions over time within the boy. How couldn't it?
Ryuichi sighed and slowly crossed the room, holding onto everything that he could so he wouldn't fall and pass out on the floor. When he finally made it to the bed, he climbed in as smoothly as possible and pulled the sheets up to his chin. Sighing, he chanced another look at Tatsuha's sleep back and whispered a silent goodnight before closing his eyes and succumbing to the darkness.
Little did he know, Tatsuha was wide-awake and aware of everything. A silent tear ran down the boy's cheek before he climbed out of the bed and laid in the living room for the night.
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Yuki opened his golden eyes to the bright, morning sunlight and smiled slightly. He was going to see Shuichi today, but whether that was a good thing or not had yet to be decided. Last time he had gone, Shuichi was in solitary confinement…again…and he hadn't been able to see him for very long. He thought it had only been five minutes, but the doctors swore up and down that it was fifteen minutes.
He shook his head and ran a hand through his golden locks with a sigh. Why had everything gone down hill so quickly? It had been only, what, five…six months ago when Shuichi had picked cutting up again and now he was in a mental hospital? Yuki sighed. He never imagined it ever getting to this point.
Yuki closed his eyes and buried his head back in his pillow. Man, he just wanted to get away from it all. Not Shuichi…no, definitely not him, but from everything else that came after him. Maybe they should both go on a vacation once Shu was released. Yeah…that sounded good.
With the idea of a Hawaiian vacation in his mind, Yuki climbed out of bed and went to the bathroom to take a shower and clean up. After that was done and over with, he returned to his bedroom and threw on a pair of blue jeans and a tee-shirt and looked at his reflection in the body-length mirror beside him.
When did I become so damn casual?
Smiling, Yuki ran the towel through his hair and dropped it to the floor. Checking the clock, he slipped a piece of paper into the back pocket of his jeans and left his room, going down to his kitchen to grab a breakfast smoothie before going out to his car. He took the beautiful country road from his house to the highway, drinking the smoothie along the way, and started his half hour drive to Tokyo.
The trip was boring and uneventful and he spent the entire drive thinking of corresponding rhyming lines that he could make into a poem to add to his book. He laughed when he remembered the call from his editor. Wanting to do "something different" she came to him with the idea to take a break from writing a novel and make book of poems instead. At first, he'd disagreed, telling her that novels were more his thing and poems were just a waste of time, but then he'd taken the time to think about it. In poems he could tell stories about himself and life without anyone thinking that "oh…he'd done this" or "he must've lived through this to make this so good and realistic". No…maybe he would try poems.
And, so, he had and had an entire notebook almost filled with poems. He had to admit…they gave more of a release than sitting at his computer ever had.
When Yuki tuned back into the work about him, he took the exit that would lead him to the suburbs and to Wellstone. He sighed. He wanted more than anything to get Shuichi out of that hell hole and take him home with him, but the doctors wouldn't allow it. "We need to wait for more improvement," they would say. Yuki laughed. Who could make any improvement when they're locked up? After two weeks, Shuichi had tried to commit suicide twice. Yeah…that's improvement.
Yuki hit his turn signal and turned into the parking lot of the hospital. He found an open parking space and stopped, putting his car in park, before leaning his head back into the headrest.
I know it's sad but you have to go in there, he told himself. If you don't, you'll be letting him down.
Yuki sighed and climbed out of the car.
Damn, I want a cigarette.
He shook his head. No, he had promised himself that he would quit and actually stick to it this time. With one more sigh, Yuki ran a hand through his hair and walked up the steps and into the hospital. The receptionist that was always there when he came sat at her desk and smiled at him when he walked in.
"Hello, Uesugi-san. Have you come to see Shindou-san?"
Yuki nodded. "Yes. How is he doing today?"
"He's doing very well today," she said. "He's made some improvement."
Yuki nodded again. "Well that's good then."
The receptionist nodded and called a nurse to take him back. Yuki took a seat in one of the chairs in the waiting room and flipped through old magazines while he waited for the nurse to come out of the door that she always did. Ten minutes passed and no one came out to get him. He had to admit, he was getting a little pissed, but maybe they were just busy. He sighed and set the magazine he had been "reading" down and closed his eyes. Yeah…busy.
The door opened and closed many times while Yuki sat there but no one called for him and asked for him to follow them. Now he was getting really pissed, but he wasn't going to raise hell. No…it didn't matter how long they took, just getting to see Shuichi was worth the wait.
"Eiri?"
Yuki's eyes snapped open and he looked around the room. He laughed. Maybe he'd thought about Shuichi too hard and was starting to hear voices because Shuichi was nowhere to be seen. He laughed again and closed his eyes, leaning his head against the wall.
A hand closed over one of his and Yuki opened his eyes to see Shuichi sitting in the chair next to him, a small smile on his face.
"Sh-Shuichi, what are you doing out here?" he commanded. "How did you get out?"
"The doctors let me come out and bring you back instead of the nurse," Shuichi said. "You're not mad at me are you?"
Yuki smiled and embraced the raven-haired man. "No, I would never be mad at you, Shu."
Shuichi sighed in his ear and wrapped his skinny arms around Yuki's waist. "I missed you," he whispered.
"I missed you, too," Yuki chuckled and pulled back from Shuichi.
Shuichi stood up and pulled Yuki to his feet. "Come on," he said. "I don't have much time or they'll come and look for me."
Yuki nodded and followed Shuichi back to the acute unit where he was held. Waving to Aiko as they walked past her table, Shuichi pulled Yuki back to the room he shared with the girl, closing the door behind him.
Before Yuki had time to react, Shuichi jumped up and wrapped his arms around the blonde's neck, capturing his lips in a kiss. Yuki started for a moment then closed his eyes. The kiss wasn't very long, but they both still needed it.
Shuichi pulled away, a sincere smile on his face. "I want to leave," he whispered.
Yuki's heart broke, but he smiled nonetheless. "I'm sorry, Shuichi," he muttered, running his hands through the man's hair. "I can't. I've tried, believe me, I've tried since you were put in here, but the doctors won't let me take you home with me."
Shuichi frowned and pushed himself away from Yuki, storming across the room. "But why!" he yelled. "Why can't I leave!" He stormed over to his bed and threw his notebook across the room before pushing over the nightstand and pounding on the wall. "Why not!"
Yuki watched as the man raved around, not knowing what to do or what to say. He didn't want to make him any angrier than he already was but… Yuki wrapped an arm around Shuichi's waist and pulled him over to the bed. He laid down and pulled Shuichi down next to him, keeping his arm slung around Shuichi. He tried to struggle and get away, but Yuki wouldn't have it.
"Shuichi, calm down," he whispered. "I know that you don't like it here, but the doctors are just trying to help you."
Shuichi stopped struggling and rolled over to face Yuki, tears staining his face. "How is keeping me here helping me, Eiri? The longer I stay here, the more I want to die. Is that helping me?"
"No." Yuki reached out and brushed the tears away. "It's they're not helping you, but your medicine is. They need to make sure that your medicine works like it's supposed to before they let you out."
Shuichi's tears stopped and his eyes grew wide with hope. "How long with that be?"
Yuki smiled. "Hopefully soon."
Shuichi smiled and Yuki pulled the folded piece of paper out of his pocket and handed it to Shuichi. The man just looked between it and Yuki in question for a moment and Yuki smiled.
"I wrote you something," the blonde said softly. "I want you to read it."
Shuichi positively beamed and almost tore the paper in his eagerness to open it. Yuki watched, a happy and fearful smile on his face. He really hoped that Shuichi would like the poem that he had written. Taking a seat on the bed, Yuki listened to Shuichi read the poem aloud.
"Never say it's over
Never say the end
Anytime you stop, just start again
Never say give up
Never say give in
You always have to fight to win
However much it hurts
However much it takes
Believe and all your dreams will come true
However hard it gets
However much it aches
Always believe in me
As I believe in you
To never say too late
Never say it's done
Make me know for real you are the one
The one that never turns
Never walks away
The one that I can trust to always stay
Never say surrender
Never say die
You only ever get there if you try
Never say give up
Never say give in
You always have to fight to win
However much it hurts
However much it takes
Believe that all your dreams can come true
However hard it gets
However much it aches
Always believe in me
As I believe in you
Never say if only
Never say regret
Only the weak remember to forget
Never say it's over
Never say the end
Never say never again
However much it hurts
However much it takes
Believe and all your dreams will come true
However hard it gets
However much it aches
Believe in me
As I believe in you."
Shuichi looked up from the page with a small frown on his face.
"Is…is this for me?" he asked and Yuki nodded. A squeal tore out of Shuichi's throat and Yuki was tackled back onto the bed. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Yuki laughed and wrapped his arms around Shuichi. "No problem," he whispered into the raven-haired man's ear. Then he lowered his voice even quieter. "It's true, you know? It all is."
Shuichi sat up, still straddling Yuki's hips, and smiled down upon the blonde. He nodded. "Thank you, Eiri," he whispered while he brushed the bangs out of Yuki's eyes. He bent down and kiss the blonde's forehead lightly before sitting up again.
Yuki smiled the smile he only showed for Shuichi and read up, tucking the few stray locks of black hair behind Shuichi's ear.
"You have no idea how long it took me to write that poem," he said. "God, I think I sat in front of my notebook for around five hours before I finished it."
Shuichi chuckled. "Still having problems with the 'explaining your feelings' thing?"
"Don't I always?"
Shuichi smiled, the happy sparkle shining in his eyes, and Yuki couldn't help but smile back. The door across the room clicked open and Yuki sat up, Shuichi still straddling his hips.
"Oh my God!" Yuki turned his attention to the door and so did Shuichi, but only after a small groan exited his lips. Aiko was standing in the doorway with shock on her face. "I am so sorry, you guys. I just needed to grab a blanket… I didn't mean to…I didn't know that you two were…were gonna be makin' out when I came in."
Shuichi smiled and slid off Yuki's lap slowly. The blonde cursed inwardly; he felt so empty without Shuichi's added weight.
"We weren't doing anything, Aiko. He wrote me a poem and I tackled him, that's all," Shuichi explained. "Sorry for scaring you."
Aiko sighed heavily and smiled. "Praise God and say hallelujah," she said and then looked at Yuki carefully. "It's no that I disagree with your relationship, I've just never seen the two of you so intimately and it surprised me."
"Don't worry about it," Yuki chuckled.
The girl smiled and crossed the room, handing an envelope to Yuki. "I also came to give you this," she said with a mischievous grin on her face.
"What is it?" Shuichi asked while Yuki tore open the seal.
"You'll find out," the girl sang.
Shuichi returned to the bed and sat down beside Yuki, who was busy reading the note, surprise and relief flaring up inside of him at the words on the paper.
"Are they serious?" he asked the girl.
Aiko nodded, but looked somewhat saddened. "Yes, they are. For it to be set in stone you have to go talk to them, though."
Yuki nodded and stood up. "I'll be back, Shuichi," he called as he headed for the door.
"Where are you going, Eiri?" the man asked, standing up to follow but deciding against it.
Yuki turned around with a smile on his face. "To get you out of here."
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Shuichi sat on the bed in shock. Had Yuki just said what he thought he'd said? He was going to leave! Excitement flared up inside him. He was going to leave!
He whooped in happiness and jumped up off the bed, running across the room to engulf Aiko in a hug. "I'm gonna leave, Aiko-chan!" he exclaimed.
A sob echoed through the room and Shuichi pulled away, surprised to see that Aiko was crying. He stood in silence for a moment before it all dawned on him. He was leaving…and Aiko wasn't.
He sighed. "Oh, Aiko-chan, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you." His words just made the girl cry harder. Shuichi embraced the girl gently. "Sorry, I'm such a heartless bastard. I completely forgot. I'm such an idiot!"
Aiko shook her head. "No," she managed to say through her sobs, "I'm glad for you. I just want to leave too, but my parents don't care about me."
Suddenly, an idea came to Shuichi and he jumped back, a smile on his face.
"I'll be right back, Aiko!" he said and ran out of the room, leaving the girl to stare at him in wonder.
He managed to find Yuki before he exited the unit and tugged on the back of his jacket. The blonde turned around and looked at him in question and impatience.
"Yes, Shuichi?"
Shuichi smiled. "I have a favor to ask of you."
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An auburn-haired girl sat in her room alone, tears falling slowly down her face. Why had she been so nice to Shuichi when she knew that he would be leaving sooner or later? Why couldn't she have just turned on the heartless bitch and been mean to him instead of forcing herself to feel the pain that she felt now? Every friend she'd made in this damned place always promised to come back and see her, but they never did. Once they left, they left for good; she didn't seem to matter.
But Shuichi was different, wasn't he? He was a good friend and he would come and visit her, right? She sighed and leaned her head back against the headboard of her bed. Of course he would because Shuichi wasn't as biased as all of the other people she had made "friends" with in this place. He was nice and forgiving and actually understood, even if he didn't like it sometimes.
After taking some quiet time to sit and think about her past and the mistakes she had made in trying to make that past go away, Aiko opened her eyes and looked around the room. Yup, still alone. She sighed and pulled up the sleeve of her grey hoodie. Almost one hundred nearly healed cuts and eight fresh ones marred the perfect flesh. She tore her eyes away from the sighed and sniffed, another tears joining the ones that were already falling down her face.
Why had she chosen to do this to herself? What had been so bad to make her want to injure herself? She looked down at her stomach. Well, that was one thing. She was fat, but if she voiced that opinion aloud she would get hit in the head by Shuichi. But he didn't have to see her horrid reflection looking back at him in the mirror everyday, now did he? He was skinny and cute, not fat and ugly and harboring a demon inside her head.
The tears wouldn't stop falling. Why wouldn't anyone come for her? Had her family forgotten about her? What in the hell was their problem? She had never done anything except mess up their perfect view of the world with her behaviors. That was all. It wasn't enough to "forget" your kid over. The world for teenagers in this day and age had changed drastically since her parents were teenagers and, whether they liked it or not, hurting herself was the only way that she had been able to cope with this changes.
A small knock echoed around the room and Aiko gasped, pulling down her shirt sleeve, before looking toward the door. Shuichi stood there with a smile on his face.
"Hi, Shuichi," she sniffed, wiping her tears away with the back of her sleeve covered hand.
His smile widened. "Hi, Aiko." The man crossed the room and took a seat on the edge of the bed beside the girl.
Aiko narrowed her eyes as she looked at Shuichi. He was acting weird. Something was up.
"Why are you acting so strange, Shu-chan?" she asked, her brow crinkled.
Shuichi smiled and looked away. "How would you feel about packing your bags?"
"What do you…—" Aiko gasped. "No way!" she exclaimed. "You have got to be kidding me!"
Shuichi shook his head. "Nope. I'm not."
The girl jumped up and wrapped her arms around Shuichi's neck, kissing his face. Tears were falling down her face, but she didn't care.
"I love you, Shu-chan!" she said when she pulled away. "Thank you so much. But how did you…?"
"I can talk anyone into doing anything," a voice from behind her said. She turned around to see Y7uki standing in the doorway with a smile on his face.
She ran across the room and wrapped her arms around the blonde. "Thank you so much, Uesugi-san."
Yuki chuckled. "Eiri," he corrected. "And it's not a problem. They were doubtful, but like I said, I can convince anyone to do pretty much anything."
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Shuichi asked and started throwing his things into his duffle bag. Aiko immediately followed suit.
When all their things were packed up, Yuki wrapped his arms around both of their shoulders and led them out of the building. Aiko was in heaven. She was leaving. She was really leaving…and with Shuichi too! She couldn't keep the happy giggle from escaping her lips as they started down the road. Shuichi looked over at her and smiled.
The trip home wasn't too eventful…just full of Shuichi's singing and Yuki laughing at him as he made a fool of himself at stop lights. Aiko was more than happy to just sit back and watch.
Finally, after an hour in the car, the black Porsche stopped in front of a large country home. Aiko's jaw dropped. This was where she was going to be living? God, it was beautiful.
Yuki pulled she and Shuichi's bags out of the trunk and lead the way up to the front door. Shuichi unlocked it and Aiko got her first glimpse inside the fortress. Her jaw fell even further.
Shuichi chuckled. "Welcome home, Aiko-chan."
TBC…
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A/N: YaY! Done and edited! Sorry about that guys but I forgot that I didn't save what I had done of chapter 18 before or after I posted it so I had to type it up again. sighs Oh, well. Here it is, so never fear!… I hope you all liked it!… Oh! And sorry for any typos…