WHAT! Does it actually say that I updated "ILaH"? laughs It sure does…

Okay…I know that this has taken forever for me to write but I have reasons…work, my dad working nights and sleeping whenever I needed the computer, our computer being messed up, vacation, being depressed, writer's block. See, I didn't just forget about this and ya'll wantin' to read it, I just couldn't work on it. But, alas, here I am with chapter 20…getting closer and closer to the last chapter of my story…

Disclaimer: Still don't own Gravitation and the song in this chapter is called "Illusions" and it was written by kuriqa. glomps Thank you so much, Ku-chan!…

Illusions…

Shuichi tossed and turned in the oversized bed, but couldn't fall asleep. A strong sense of foreboding had taken over his mind and would let him sleep until it was at rest. But how could he put it to rest if he didn't know what it was in the first place? Silly mind and its stupid demands.

Growling in frustration, Shuichi sat up in bed and ran a hand through his hair.

"Just calm down, Shuichi, everything's fine. You're just being your old paranoid self and you think someone's after you. Just breathe and lay back down. Everything's gonna be okay."

He did exactly what he told himself and buried his head back into the fluffy pillow. He closed his eyes and wandered through his head, chasing the day's thoughts. Just as he was about to drift into sleep the phone rang and echoed throughout the house.

"Oh for Christ's sake!" he yelled and sat up in bed.

The pitter-patter of footsteps down the hall alerted him to Yuki's presence and he sighed. Well, at least now someone besides him was awake. He better make the best of it.

Sighing, Shuichi crawled out of bed and tiptoed to the door, opening it quietly. He silently made his way down the hallway and to the top of the stairway, where he took a seat on the top step. He could just barely hear what Yuki was saying, but he felt a fist tighten around his gut. This was it. This was what was bothering him. Something had happened to someone.

Tears immediately invaded Shuichi's eyes and he wiped at them in irritation. Crying and he didn't even know what had happened yet? He laughed. But he swore that he could hear the tears in Eiri's voice.

"…sure…wha…ppened?…o…od…" Nothing really recognizable to listen to through the wall and door of the kitchen, but Shuichi knew he was right. Eiri was crying. He should go down there and ask what was wrong. No! It wasn't his business…Eiri would tell him if he wanted to.

Right on cue, the kitchen door swung open and Yuki walked out, wiping at his eyes with the sleeve of his pajama shirt. When he saw Shuichi sitting on the staircase, he froze. In an instant, he broke down into sobs. Shuichi didn't even have to tell his feet what to do before he was down the stairs and had the blonde in his arms, leading him into the living room to sit.

"Eiri, what's wrong?"

A long jumble of incoherent words and phrases came tumbling out of the blonde's mouth. Shuichi sighed and pulled Eiri to him, resting the blonde's head on his chest.

"Sh," he whispered. "Calm down. I can't understand you."

"Tatsuha's dead!"

Shuichi's heart stopped at the yelled words. He shook his head.

"Wh-what? What do you m—"

"I mean that he's dead, Shuichi. He's dead."

Shuichi shook his head again. No! Tatsuha wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. No one that he loved was supposed to be able to die!

"How? How is he dead?"

"A hit and run," Eiri whispered.

If it hadn't been for the seriousness of the moment, Shuichi would've said something to lighten the mood, but he shook the thought out of his head. Damn cars!

"Oh, Eiri."

The sobs that had only just calmed now overcame the blonde again and left him shaking violently in Shuichi's arms. Shuichi rested his head on top of Eiri's. The door across the room was pulled open and Aiko slowly walked in.

"What's going on in here?" she muttered, rubbing at her eyes.

"I'll explain it to you later, okay?" Shuichi whispered. She nodded and took a seat in the chair beside the couch the two men were sitting on.

It took what felt like forever for Eiri to calm down, and it didn't make matters better when he kept moaning Tatsuha's name over and over again. It took everything he had for Shuichi to be strong for Eiri and not break down into the same desperate tears. He could feel the tears stinging at the corners of his eyes and cursed when he felt them begin to leak out.

When the blonde finally calmed down, Shuichi sat up and ran his hands lightly through his golden locks. It wasn't long before Eiri was asleep.

Shuichi sighed and ran a hand through his hair, resting his head on the back of the couch.

"Is everything alright, Shuichi?" Aiko whispered, fear apparent in her voice.

Shuichi shook his head sadly.

"You know, that man that came to see me a while back? He was in a wheel chair." She nodded. "Well, he was Eiri's younger brother, Tatsuha. An-and he was involved in an accident, and…" Tears started to fall from Shuichi's eyes and he wiped at them in irritation. "He was killed."

Aiko gasped and shook her head.

"Oh my God! Are you okay? Is Uesugi-san okay?"

Shuichi shook his head. "I don't know, Aiko. I just don't know."

Aiko shook her head and wiped the stray tears from her eyes.

"I'm so sorry, Shuichi."

Shuichi shook his head. "Just when everything was starting to get better again, it all goes to hell. Why does He seem to hate us all so badly? What have we ever done to upset Him?"

Shuichi closed his eyes and let the dam break, allowing the tears he had been holding back to fall freely down his face. Slowly, silently, he fell into a deep sleep with Eiri in his arms.

-------------

Ryuichi Sakuma sat in the cold room, his eyes locked to the floor as he was mobbed by ruthless fans. Inside, all he felt like doing was screaming out loud and telling everyone to fuck off and leave him alone, but outside, he knew that he couldn't do it. Even though he hated Noriko and Touma for setting up the live performance, he knew that it was the only thing keeping him to together at the moment.

A head of lavender hair was weaving through the crowd toward him. With a smile, he dismissed himself from the fans and made his way into his dressing room, locking the door behind him. He sat down on the overstuffed couch and rested his head on the back. A few seconds later, the handle rattled and then someone knocked on the door.

"Ryuichi?" Noriko's voice echoed into the room. "C'mon, Ryu, please let me in. It's not healthy for you to lock yourself in there like this."

"Leave me alone!" he muttered, putting his head in his hands.

"Ryuichi?" This time it was Touma. "Let us in, Ryuichi. Please."

"Go away!" he yelled.

He was shaking. His entire body was quaking violently. He sat up and reached into his pocket with his hand, trying twice after missing the first time. He pulled the small orange bottle of pills out of his pocket and held them to his chest. He knew that he shouldn't take them, but they always made everything feel so much better. Sighing, he twisted off the cap and dumped three into his hand, dry swallowing them.

"Ryuichi, it's time for us to go on," Noriko called through the door.

"I'm coming," he spat. "Just give me a second."

Ryuichi looked into the mirror hanging on the wall beside the door and ruffled his hair slightly with his hands. He checked out his outfit (a simple pair of blue jeans and a black tee-shirt with Chuck's) and pulled the door open. Noriko and Touma were both standing there, looking very distressed.

"Are you going to be okay?" Noriko asked.

"What kind of stupid question is that?" Ryuichi growled. "Of course I'm not going to be okay."

Noriko frowned and followed the brunette who was sulking down the hallway toward the stage that they were to be performing on.

"Ryu, I know that you're in pain right now, but you can't keep acting like it was all our faults," she said, reaching out to latch onto his wrist but he pulled it away from her grasp. "Ryuichi!"

Another hand reached out and grasped Ryuichi's wrist in it's vice. The brunette was turned about with a snarl and whipped into the nearest wall. A pale face framed by blonde hair filled all of his vision.

"Ryuichi!" Touma spat vehemently. "Stop this madness and start acting a moral person. This isn't the you I know!"

"It's all my fault that Tatsuha is dead, alright? If I hadn't have act like I had, none of this would've happened and he would still be here today."

Touma blanched and backed away from his quaking friend.

"Ryu…I…"

"Don't try to console me or any of that bullshit, Touma. I know what has been done and what needs to be done for me to repent, okay? That's all that matters."

With that the brunette turned and stormed off toward the stage, where the stagehands were ready to rush them to their marks.

The darkened stage was immediately surrounded by screaming fans and bright, blinding lights. Ryuichi hated it, all he wanted to do was go home to bed and sleep for the rest of his life.

The announcer came over the PA system and announced the upcoming performance to the crowd and the people at home.

"And now, with their newest hit 'Illusions', here is Nittle Grasper!"

Immediately the studio's backup band began to strum the opening guitar sequence, causing the crowd to erupt into cheers. The rest of the band kicked in, along with Touma and Noriko on their synthesizers, and Ryuichi closed his eyes and began to tap his foot. After ten taps, he began to sing.

I'm reverting back
Going backwards
To habits I believed to be broken

How can I smile
When I'm hurting
How can I laugh
When my heart is breaking

There wasn't a distinguished chorus to the song, but for a few seconds the band kicked up and gave Ryuichi something to yell.

Old scars fade, new ones are made
But my memories remain

The blinding lights were already starting to get to him. Ryuichi could feel the sweat pouring out of every pore in his skin and was beginning to have to squint his eyes to see anything. But something underneath all of the normal things didn't feel right. Something was very wrong.

How can I be happy
When I'm really sad
How can I be free
When my soul is trapped

I'm moving ahead
Going forwards
Into the light I believed didn't exist

How can I live
When I want to die
How can I go on
When I want to stop

As the band kicked up a second time everything began to blur together, making Ryuichi nauseous.

Will I ever be free
Free of the memories that haunt me

Couldn't Touma or Noriko see that he wasn't going to make it through the performance? Couldn't they see that he was getting weaker by the second? Why weren't they helping him?

How can I love
When I hate
How can I die
When I'm not living

I'm standing still
Going nowhere
In this living illusion called life

How can I cry
When there are no tears
How can I hold up this mask
When I am breaking down inside

This time the band played quieter, the music of a piano overruling the drums and guitars. Almost silently, Ryuichi whispered the next lyrics.

When all is done
Darkness swallows all

A thirty second long guitar riff filled the television studio, finally giving Ryuichi some time to relax. He closed his eyes and concentrated on how he was feeling and what was wrong with him. Then he remembered taking the pills. Damn…he should've thought before taking them.

How can there be hope
When all I can see despair
How can I win
When I have already lost

I've nowhere left to go
There is no up for my down
No right for my left

How can I breathe
When there is no air
How can there be light
When all around is darkness

The band kicked up one last time to really give Ryuichi something to sing to. Forcing himself to stay on his feet, Ryuichi went on with the next verse.

I've finally given in
And let the shadows take me

Everything went quiet, the only sounds being the far off cheers from the crowd. Ryuichi closed his eyes and belted out the last line.

I've finally let this living illusion win

The crowd erupted into cheers and Ryuichi bowed.

"Thank you," he said and followed the rest of the band off the stage.

"Ryuichi!" Someone grabbed onto his arm and turned him around. It was Noriko and she had tears in her eyes. At least it looked like she had tears in her eyes. Everything was too blurry for him to really tell what was going on. Ryuichi sighed. Just great.

"Ryuichi, are you okay? I saw you on stage and you didn't look like you were feeling to well." Yeah, she was crying. He could hear it in her voice. "Ryuichi! Look at me, dammit!"

She smacked across the face as hard as she could, the crack echoing down the deserted hall. Ryuichi blinked and shook his head. Yeah, Noriko was crying, and Touma was standing behind her with look of pain marring his face. He looked at the lavender-haired woman and feigned his best smile.

"I'm fine, Nori-chan," he said. "You don't have to worry about me."

Wrong. Noriko scowled and this time punched him across the face as hard as she possibly could.

"Damn you and fucking pride to hell, Ryuichi! What is wrong with you? I need you to talk to me!"

Ryuichi scowled. "I already told you, Noriko. Everything is my fault. You all would've just been so much better if I had never been involved in your lives."

Noriko was practically sobbing now, her hands clenched into fists so tightly that her knuckles were white. "Don't talk like that," she whispered. "My life would be nothing if I had never met you, little brother."

Ryuichi shook his head, clasping it in his hands. "No, don't call me that!"

"You are my little brother, Ryuichi, whether you like or not. And you always will be."

With a quiet scream, Ryuichi opened his eyes and ran away from his two friends. Through his tear-filled eyes he found the staircase and ran up, up, up. He barely heard the footsteps chasing after him, and didn't even turn around when he did.

He yelled in triumph as he finally crashed through the last door. The rooftop.

Ryuichi ran as fast as he possibly could across the rooftop, ignoring the footsteps closing in on him.

"Ryuichi, please stop!" It was Noriko, and he bet Touma was following close behind.

"Let me alone!" he yelled.

The edge was coming closer. He was almost there. Just a little bit further.

A hand grabbed onto his wrist just as he went barreling over the edge. A piercing scream rang out through the busy Tokyo night. Suddenly, Ryuichi stopped and swung back toward the marble building. Instinct kicked in and he flung out his legs to keep him from slamming into the hard rock.

From somewhere above him, Ryuichi could hear sobbing. He looked up to see Noriko dangling over the edge of the building with him, her hand the one with the vice grip around his wrist. She hung with her eyes clenched closed; how the tears managed to find their ways out of her eyes, he wasn't sure. Moving his eyes up a little further, Ryuichi saw that Touma was the one who had stopped them. He had both of his hands wrapped around Noriko's wrist, a strained look on his face as he struggled to hold their weight.

"Let me go, Noriko," Ryuichi yelled.

"NO!" she yelled and finally opened her eyes. "I will not let you go, Ryuichi. I refuse to."

"If you don't let me go, you're going to die. Touma can't pull both of our weights up there."

"I'm fine, Ryuichi!" Touma yelled, and began to pull.

Slowly, Ryuichi felt himself lifted little by little. Chancing a look down, he chuckled as he saw all of the little ant-sized people watching the fight. He looked back up and watched as Noriko got closer and closer to the top, finally able to use her legs to help Touma pull the two of them up. When she finally made it to the solid rooftop, Ryuichi groaned.

"This wasn't how it was supposed to happen," he whispered.

With hardly even a fight, Noriko pulled Ryuichi up onto the rooftop. She didn't stop pulling him until they were in the middle and well away from any edges. With a heart-wrenching sob, she wrapped her arms around Ryuichi and collapsed against him.

She beat her fists against his chest, yelling at him incoherently through her sobs. Touma stood back, a look of processing on his face.

"You're such a bastard, Ryuichi! Why don't you start thinking about someone other than yourself? What do you think we would've done if you had just died? How do you think we would've felt? Do you think we would've been happy? What the hell was going through your mind!" Noriko yelled, her sobs finally calmed enough so she could speak clearly. "And you still haven't been eating. Even with my adrenaline I should've had some difficulty pulling you over the edge and I didn't have any problem."

Ryuichi just stood there, emotionless. His face was completely void of any emotion, his eyes a reflection of his stone face. Noriko yelled and began to swing to slap him across the face, but Touma grabbed onto her wrist gently.

"Let him be, Noriko," Touma sad, his voice quavering slightly. It was just then that Ryuichi noticed that Touma was shaking violently. He tore his eyes away from his friends' crying faces, diverting them to the blinding city lights.

"Come on, let's go back inside," Touma muttered and grabbed onto Ryuichi's arm, pulling him along gently.

Very reluctantly, Ryuichi tore his eyes away from the lights and allowed himself to be dragged back inside. There would be another time. They couldn't keep an eye on him forever.

TBC…

A/N: So…how was it? Was it worth the wait? Please don't be angry with me. I know that this was an extremely angsty chapter, but I love the ending. Especially the part where Ryuichi goes over the edge. I liked writing the part. At first I was going to have him jump over and commit suicide but I liked this better…gives a better cliffhanger. Heh, heh…I'm so evil… I know that this isn't the longest chapter either, but at least it's something, right? Hopefully the next one won't take so long to come out…

Okay…now I guess I should be nice and give my thanks for the reviewers of chapter 19…

Guren: Thank you for your kind words…even though you probably don't remember what you said 'cause it's been so long. He, heh… I really hope you enjoyed this chapter…

Sour-Skittlez: Sure you weren't. Heh, heh. And no, I'm sorry, Kuma-chan didn't get hit. But he's gonna start playing a bigger role in this story from now on…

The Amazing Tsu-chan: Isn't twenty your new favorite number? Probably not 'cause this was a depressing chapter, huh? Oh, well. I hope you liked it nonetheless…

Shadow0: What's your Rori solution? And please don't take over my mind. You know how it is and you would last very long in it before it drives you insane… I hope you liked this chapter…

subzero13: I think this one is up there on the intensity level also. But it was good, right?...

Sammy-chan: Oh yeah! The lyrics! I've got the best song ever, too! I'm so sorry…I'll send them to you when I get done writing these and post this…I hope you liked this chapter…

Jae-chan: You're one of the few people who liked "Unbeating Heartache", but I'm still hoping to update it soon. I dunno… I'm starting to write more original stuff now and I actually got an account on I'm so nervous!...

Ryu Sakuma: Tat-chan will be pika pika again 'cause he's in heaven now, but I'm not sure about Ryu-chan. You'll just have to stay tuned to find out…

DeMoN4EvA: Yeah…I think that "Lies" goes good, too, but I can come up with so many songs that just go along with Gravitation. It's insane and everyone hates reading song fics so I gotta keep 'em to myself… Ugh! Oh, well…

Tenshi: I'll send you my e-mail A.S.A.P… You wrote poems in honor of my fic? I feel so honored. I hope this lived up to the rest of it…

LadyRave: I hope that this wasn't too long. dunks as you through some kind of sharp object at me Okay…I guess that was the wrong thing to say. I hope you liked it though. And I'm working on my other story, just not as hard…

Kitty in the Box: You love me…awww… Thank you. I'm glad that my story has helped so many people. It makes me feel much better. And no, this isn't the last chapter. There's still a few more to go. Some healing still needs to be done and string still need to be tied. I hope you liked this chapter, though…

GWL: And why is Shuichi fucked up? Because he feels pain but deals with it in a different way than you do. You not only call Shuichi fucked up when you say that but you also call me and many readers of this fic fucked up… Okay…I know that was harsh but I deal with people calling me a freak behind my back and giving me dirty glances every day. It's hard and I hate to hear people talk about cutters like they're messed up because they aren't. Anway…I hope you liked this chapter…

Person-sama: Nope…I'm not allowed to hook Aiko-chan up with a Gravi character. I can hook her up with someone original but definitely not Shu-chan. Someone already forbade me from doing that. I hope you liked this…

Crystal Flowers: Man…you must've sat for a long time. Sorry about that. I hope you had plenty of magazines or books to read…

Ku-chan: Cliffy solved. I really hope you'll be able to read this chapter and I hope you liked it. I love ya much…

GoTrinba: I hope you liked this installment of "ILaH" and I hope that it keeps living up to its name. I feel like I'm failing it in some way. shrugs I dunno…

DBZluver2: I hope you liked this update…

Kashoku1: Well…at least only one of your things was off. I hope you liked this…

clear venom: Dude…

DaisukeAizawa: Your favorite fic of all time? Wow…I feel special now. I hope that this chapter lived up to the rest for you…

Twitchy87: Yeah…and the funny thing is that you wouldn't think that I was a deep person if you knew me…I'm a dork and like to goof off a lot…

Hiyruuthewarrior: I wish I could tell you what I have in mind for coming chapters but that would completely blow it… But you'll be surprised with Ryuichi…

Trina: Thank you… I hope your friend likes this chapter and I hope you like it too…

Syaoran is kawaii: I'm afraid to get any deeper with Yuki and Shu's relationship because I know that some people would be angry with me for it. But I guess it shouldn't matter. I mean, it's my story right? I dunno…we'll just have to see…

Heroin Girl: Wow…such a long review… Seether isn't lame but I won't argue. Everyone has their own tastes in music. Shuichi was confused…that's why he did the things that he did. It was kinda hard not to notice that. I don't think that "Cutting Through It All" is plagiarism. It has its own story line and plot and I don't think it's much like my fic at all. Dhampir is a good friend of mine… I've read all of "CTIA" and all that she has done of "Without You I Am Lost". I love Dhampir's writing… Anyway…I hope you liked this…

Misery Haunts Doom: Here's the next chapter…finally! Sorry it took so long…

Okay…I think that was it… I'm sorry if I missed anyone. As usual, sorry for any grammar/spelling errors in this chapter. I'm still forbidden from using the printer…

Alrighty…hoping to see you in chapter 21 or in another fic…Ja!...