Chatper Three: Pahkin' da Cah

"What's 'hainted holla' mean?"

"Nothing."

"But it sounds cool, 'hainted holla', sounds . . . mysterious."

"It doesn't mean anything."

"It means something." Luffy was sitting cross-legged on the counter while I cleaned out behind the grill. "I think it's spiffy, really."

I heard his sandals scrape on the Formica. "You're a grouchy boy."

"Fine!" I conceeded before he decided to help me again. "It means 'haunted hollow'. Those woods are haunted."

"Oh?" Luffy was interested now. "Haunted? By what?"

I had now realized that indulging Luffy was something dangerous and yet so easy to do. Once he was interested, there was just about no going back whatsoever. "I'm sure Nami's told you all about that."

He cracked his knuckles, thinking with that skewed mind of his before he asked his next question. "No . . . she just found the map. So why's it haunted?"

I reached far back for some elusive grease. "Well, you know that back in the seventeen hundreds, the Carolinas were where American piracy took place. Plus a lot of other stuff."

"Really! Pirates, here!"

"On the coast, yeah, but that's maybe an hour or two from here." I said, coming out from underneath and standing up. Luffy was lounging now, silently observing the fascinating ceiling.

"So . . . it's haunted by pirates?"

"Nah." I wiped my hands off. "There was a huge manor out there once upon a time and it burned down and everyone died. Was an arson. And now they say that all the people in there haunt the woods."

Luffy considered this for second. "They're guarding something. They have to be."

I turned the grill on as the first person for the night wandered in. Luffy slid off the counter and walked in back.

"Sanji, I want steak!"

o-o-o

I flipped the closed sign in the door. It was twelve at night and there were still people hanging around. Zoro was mulling over a cup of coffee while Nami was trying to restrain herself from beating Luffy over the head as he did round-offs down the length counter.

Nami was taping together the pieces of paper to create the whole map. Zoro, sober for once, was watching her with an odd expression. In the short few hours he'd known her, she'd already slapped him, bitched him out and then pulled one of his own knives on him. In short, she had his grudging respect. Stupid anarchist.

Luffy was clutching his head. He didn't know why it hurt -- he couldn't figure out that the flips had been the cause. Zoro turned as Luffy wimpered.

"Man, suck it up!" He growled.

"It hurts!"

Zoro fished in his pocket and drew out a pale grey packet. He shook it tantalizingly. "This, my friend, it what you need."

Luffy reached his hand out. Zoro dropped a single strip of tissue paper into Luffy's hand and one into his own. They placed them on their tongues and swallowed.

It honestly took me that long to figure out what was going on.

"YOU SHIT-HEAD!" I rushed out from behind the counter. "You do not let him drop acid!"

Nami looked up. "You what!"

Zoro rolled his eyes. "It's not like it's double dip or anything."

By now, the LSD was taking hold. Luffy was giggling. "We're on the ship, can't you see the clouds? It going to raaaaaaaain."

I shrugged off my apron as Luffy began to shout out sailing orders. Zoro was slipping out now as well, stroking his knives and chortling to himself. I moaned and grabbed the car keys from the back room.

"We've got to get him to the walk-in or something." I hollered to Nami who was pinning the delusional boy down. "That idiot may be fine, but I'm sure he won't be."

She was livid. She would have unleashed that fury on Zoro if Luffy hadn't ordered her to do something with the mainstay. I stuck the keys in the ignition of Zeff's '86 Toyota as she shoved the other two into the backseat. Zoro was challenging her to a duel for her honor.

"My name is . . . something or other! You killt my fadda! Prepahe to die!" Zoro screeched. Ok . . .

After a frantic half hour drive to the nearest hospital emergency room, we were in a bit of trouble. It would be easy to tell the doctors that someone had slipped Luffy something as a joke, as Nami and I could back him and pass a drug test. Zoro . . . on the other hand, was toting, as we discovered, not only acid, but double-dip, roaches and some fine white powder in his black bondage pants alone. He was going to have to stay in the car.

Oh Jesus. Now there was something I wasn't too keen on, but I was the one with the cash and the keys. I slapped all the child locks into the on position on all the doors so he couldn't open them.

"Sanji, you arse! Git back hea! I'm gonna have at ya! You killt my fadda, prepahe t'die!"

I slung Luffy's other arm over my shoulder.

"Da da da da dum! Ba da da! Dead man's chest! Come on guys! Sing with me! Yo ho, yo ho! Another round Sanji! AND ALL YOUR BASE BELONG TO US!"

We exchanged glanes. This was going to go over great.

o-o-o

"Arg!" Luffy was "arg-ing" the poor male Candystriper that we got. Poor kid was terrified of everything, though, that was the sense that I got. Hie eyes were wide and he trembled when Luffy "arg-ed" him.

"I'M A PIRATE!" Luffy crooned again, sending the Candystriper wincing and twitching again. His name was Percy Chopper and he had an abnormal nose and too much hair on his head.

"Pirate! Pirate! And a bottle of rum, yo ho! I can do a flip and I can beat a Romanian!"

"You're f-f-f-friend," He stuttered, "Has had L-L-L-LSD, which is an-"

"ARG! Doodle oodle do da! And I can do the funky chicken too!"

"-Illegal substance. I-I-I-I'm afraid you're going to have to wait f-f-f-for the effects to wear off." He was standing on the exam table now, using his clipboard as a shield. "We can g-g-g-give you some sedatives to help."

Something flickered in Nami's eyes. She grabbed our poor messenger boy by his tie and dragged him outside and down the hall. I raised my eyebrows, but was quickly distracted by the orderlies now looking at Luffy as though he were a circus freak.

"Dude, he seriously thinks he's a pirate?" One asked me. I shoved him out, but he just thrust the door open more.

"You ass, my foot, they should meet." I hissed. "He's not for your entertainment."

"Move." Nami was back with Chopper ( I had decided to call him by his last name, Percy just doesn't sit with me well ). The orderlies parted like the Red Sea and Nami sat Luffy down, speaking gently.

"Louis, we have a new crew member."

"Really?" He pounced on her. "What's he do?"

"He's a doctor." She said, pointing to unfortunate Chopper.

o-o-o

Eventually, at two in the morning, we got Luffy to take the sedatives and we carried him back to the car. Where we'd left Zoro. I'd forgotten about him.

What he had done was locked all the doors and kept locking them until I was faster and got the key in. Still high, he had his hands clenched around the steering wheel and had a song about what he was doing.

"I'm pahkin' da cah, pahkin' da cah! Pahk, pahk, pahkin' da cah 'fore da batree runs out! Ya know ya gotta pahk da cah 'fore the batree run out fer goooooood!"

"He's from Bawstan." I told Nami who was asking what exactly 'cah' meant. "They don't use 'r's up there."

"Oh."

o-o-o

I knew it was a bad idea and a waste of my money, but the tent had been worth it. Not only was there a pretty girl living in my backyard, but she was there on my good graces.

At least the tent had multiple rooms.

We zipped Luffy into his section as soon as he fell asleep. She dragged out a duffel bag and opened it. I felt my eyes widen when I saw the contents.

Pills. Syrups. Drinks and lotions. She looked quietly away.

"We can't move without half this stuff, him and me." She said slowly. "Sports, it's a hard road to walk. I'm a figure skater, I know Louis from my ballet class. I made friends with the old him and went to his gym a lot. He's broken, even to just look at his hands where his grips left scars or that scar under his eye. He was doing giants for the first time and he missed.

"So, maybe it's better we die out here than going back. But I'm telling you, I will not cry." Her eyes narrowed. "I will not go back there."

I opened my arms and she allowed me to hold her. Shut up, I told you, I like girls. And if you need to know, her body is hot.

o-o-o

The monster rose, creating destruction in his path.

"This is what you get for taking that stuff." I reminded him as I served breakfast, making sure his coffee was extra concentrated.

"Ugh, I have a wicked headache." Zoro rubbed his eyes. "And what the hell did I do that involved batteries?"

"You 'pahked da cah'." Luffy said around his bacon. "'Fore the batree ran out."

Note: Most variations of New England accents ( the most distinct being the Boston and Rhode Island ) tend not to use the letter 'r'. So, car becomes cah. Also, syllables will be left out as this dialect of English is spoken as fast as humanly possible.