Story: The Nobel Laureate
Chapter 23
Disclaimer: See Chapter 1
Previously: During Thanksgiving dinner, the bickering between Ellie and her cousin Brad leads Jed to see a darker side of his brother Jack's personality when Brad seems to be afraid of his father (chapter 21)
Summary: While shopping for patent leather shoes for Sweden, Jed and Jack deal with some uncomfortable issues from the past
Author's Note: Chapters 22 and 23 were originally written as one chapter, but because it was so long, I decided to split it up into two. This is a continuation of chapter 22
That afternoon, the sound of the busy cash registers rang repeatedly as scores of people formed a line that curved around two chairs near the front of the shoe store. It was in these two chairs that Jed and Jack hid from the crowd of shoppers and the overzealous sales clerks scurrying up and down the aisles.
"The shoes aren't just going to jump off the shelves, you know," Jack informed his brother.
The snippy undertone in his voice was easily detected. Jed returned his sour glance with one of his own. "I need a minute."
"You've had fifteen. It's time to get your shoes so that we can get out of here."
"You didn't have to come."
"Abbey asked me to."
"Right, and we all know that you do whatever anyone asks of you."
"What the hell does that mean?"
Jed closed his mouth just as quickly as he opened it. His hands up, he said, "Forget it."
That one sarcastic statement ignited a flame that Jack refused to ignore. He inhaled a deep breath, then added fuel to the fire. "You have one hell of a nerve being mad at me, you know that?"
"Excuse me?"
"After the way you undermined my authority in front of my son last night, I think I'm the one who should be angry."
"Aren't you?"
"Damn right I am. I just don't know where you get off being the same."
It would have been so easy for Jed to rattle off a laundry list of grievances. In fact, with very little effort, he could have drawn a comparison between Jack and John that would have sent a chill up his spine. But he resisted the temptation. "Let's not get into this here."
"I'd be more than willing to go home and get into it in front of our wives and our children."
"Fine, Jack. You wanna do this here? You want me to tell you exactly what was wrong with the way you treated Brad last night?"
"There was nothing wrong with the way I treated Brad. He's my son, Jed. Not yours. Try to remember that the next time you barge in..." He stopped when the line that shielded them began to filter out, leaving them targets to a tall male sales clerk who eagerly approached them.
"May I help you with something, Sir?" he asked Jed.
"Uh...we're just..."
"My brother is looking for a pair of black patent leather shoes," Jack said casually.
"Black patent leather shoes. You're in luck, we just got a shipment of new styles last week. Follow me." He led them down the aisle past an array of cute little mary janes.
"Not exactly what I had in mind," Jed mumbled as he scanned the racks.
The clerk handed him a pair of closed-toe strapped sandals with a black satin bow in the front. "This is already our top seller. It's practically flying off the shelf. Little girls just love them!"
"Really?" They would look beautiful on Ellie's feet, Jed thought as he battled the urge to correct the clerk and tell him the shoes he was looking for were for him.
Jack beat him to the punch. "I'm wondering if you also carry any patent leather shoes for adult men."
"For adult men? No, we don't. Is that what you wanted?"
"No." Jed replied immediately. "I was looking for my daughter. We were just curious about whether or not men actually wear these shoes...you know, in public."
The clerk shook his head and with that sign of disapproval, Jed gave him a nod and proceeded towards the register with the pair he picked out for Ellie.
"So that's how a Nobel Laureate deals with a difficult situation?" Jack couldn't help but chuckle at his brother's discomfort.
"We'll go to another store and this time, let's just browse before we ask for anything."
"Whatever you say." When Jed looked at him, Jack added, "See? That's me doing whatever people tell me to do."
"This day is miserable enough without your smartass comments."
"You're right. There's only room for one smartass in the family and that's been your job since the day you were born." He was obviously looking for a fight.
Jed bit his tongue until they left the store, but as they roamed the busy path towards the other shops, he finally broke the tension. "You were out of control last night."
"What?" His voice was so low that Jack wasn't sure if he heard him correctly.
"With Brad. I was afraid of what you were going to do."
"For your information, I was going to talk to Brad. That's all."
"That's all," Jed sputtered, unconvinced. "A boy doesn't get that look on his face just because his father wants to talk to him. He was as terrified of you as you and I were of..."
Jack waited for him to finish. In a way, he even wanted to hear it. But Jed let the thought linger without a conclusion. "Go ahead. Say it. As terrified of me as you and I were of our dad. That's where you were going."
Jed rejected the bait as they walked in silence to another department store. If there was ever a time that he wished he could be sucked into a trap door far underground that would allow him to tunnel out of a situation, this was it. Part of him wished he had never agreed to this shopping trip, that he had told Abbey it was out of the question after the confrontation with Jack the night before. The other part of him hoped that by the end of the day, he and his brother could come to an understanding of sorts and start the journey to Sweden without the emotional baggage.
Jack wanted the same. Though he wouldn't admit it, Jed's words the night before had hit a nerve so deep that he tossed and turned all night, unable to rid himself of the image of his sweet little boy clutching his neck and crying. The truth was, he had never found it easy to be an even-tempered father, especially to a rambunctious boy like Brad, but the past few weeks had tested his patience like never before.
He looked at his brother and for a split second, he contemplated removing the mask of hostility to deal with the real issues, the ones he had avoided for years. But as Jed fumbled with a pair of scratched patent leather shoes on the rack, Jack reconsidered. "Those look like they've been passed over one too many times."
"Fine." Jed picked up another pair.
"They're not shiny enough and I doubt they will be even if you have them professionally shined."
"They have to have a certain level of shine?"
"You're going to be in the presence of Kings. Do you really want it to look like you just pulled your shoes off a clearance rack?"
"Good point." Jed returned the shoe and began to rummage through the others.
"None of these look acceptable."
"Are you always like this or are you being difficult just to annoy me?"
"A little bit of both."
The awkwardness festered between them. Jed brushed past him on his way to another rack and as Jack trailed behind, he thought carefully about his next move. He had two choices now. He could wallow in his anger and compound the strain of their argument while continuing to be the oppositional jackass he had been all morning. Or he could reach out to Jed and admit that he needed his help.
It wouldn't be a task he'd particularly enjoy, but Jed was the only other person who knew what it was like to grow up the son of John Bartlet. The only one who shared the demons of the past and the fears of the future.
The latter choice was the most attractive to Jack, but his doubts haunted him. To him, it seemed as if Jed had moved past the abuse that marred their childhood. He had overcome those painful years to create a loving and stable home for his family. Acknowledging his inability to do the same would be conceding to his older brother, and making a confession that would render him inferior was out of the question.
It was a feat he just wasn't strong enough to handle with grace. So with his eyes piercing into Jed's, he asked, "How do you do it?"
"What?"
"How do you compare being a father to three precious girls with being a father to a boy as hyper and rowdy as Brad?" This wasn't the direction he was hoping to take, but it was what slipped out of his mouth.
"Did I miss something? What are you talking about?"
"You can't tell me that you have as much trouble with your girls as I have with Brad. You've never raised a boy. You can't begin to understand what I have to do to keep him in line. I know you don't approve of how I handled things last night, but you have no idea what goes on in my house."
"Okay, first of all, if you think that raising three daughters is a piece of cake, especially when one of them is a teenager, I have news for you. Just spend a day with Elizabeth and you'll change your tune. And second, you're right. I don't know what you have to do to keep Brad in line, but I pray to God you're not using Dad as your example."
"Stop beating around the bush! Do I hit him? Is that what you're getting at? That's what you've been wanting to know since last night. Why don't you just ask?" And there it was. That flash of anger provoked by an implication that poisoned the entire conversation.
Jed swallowed hard past the lump in his throat while he mentally braced himself for what he was about to say next. "I don't have to ask. There are some things kids just can't hide. It's written all over his face."
"Are you accusing me?"
"I'm saying that I believe that child is afraid of you and I believe it's because you get physically rough with him. And if that's true then I feel the need to let you know, without hesitation, that when I'm around, it isn't going to happen. I'll protect him."
"The way you protected me when we were kids," Jack bitterly replied.
"As a matter of fact, yes. I don't know the root of all this animosity, but you're sorely mistaken if you think that I didn't do whatever I could to protect you."
"Until you left."
"What? When I went to college...is that what you're talking about?"
"No." He lied. If he had been able to summon the courage, he would have explained that it wasn't just that Jed had left. It was that he had distanced himself from the whole family.
Everyone, including Jack, had been practically cut out of his life his first year at Notre Dame. It was a calculated move because for Jed, it was his first taste of freedom - and the only way he could survive the psychological scars of an abusive childhood.
He had no idea how much that decision affected his brother. And looking at him now, he still couldn't believe that's what crippled their relationship. "Don't tell me that you're pissed at me after all these years because I left home without you."
"I'm not." Of course he was. Jack felt abandoned. He was bare and vulnerable to his father's iron fist after Jed shut him out. But Jack wasn't going to stand there and assume the role of victim. The theatrics that played out in his mind were better suited for a television movie than a discussion between two adult men.
"You were fifteen years old, Jack. It's not like you were a child."
"I said I'm not talking about that. Just drop it, all right?"
For the first time in his life, Jed felt a pang of guilt about leaving his baby brother. He stood speechless for the next several seconds and when he finally found his voice, all he could offer was a weak explanation. "I never imagined that he would turn on you."
"You're not serious." A twinge of incredulity didn't go unnoticed. "When you left, you lumped us all into the same category. You couldn't talk to Dad, so you stopped talking to me and Mom as well. That's fine. That was your choice to make, but don't stand here and tell me that it never occurred to you that Dad would find a new target."
"It didn't."
"All those times I called you at your dorm or your apartment in Indiana, you never called me back. You never returned my letters. It wasn't because you were too busy. It was because you knew how miserable I was and you didn't want to hear about it!"
"It's not that I didn't want to hear about it!" Jed shouted so he could be heard over Jack's voice. He looked around and calmed himself before continuing. "It's that I had no idea what to do about it. All our lives, you were his prince. The one perfect child. The one he named after himself. The one who could do no wrong."
"Until you were gone and that's when everything I did WAS wrong."
"How was I supposed to know that? It's not like you were the one he yelled at every night."
"I didn't get yelled at every night because I learned when to back off. I didn't feel the need to challenge him every hour of every day."
"Right. You just hid in your room and let me do it." Like a shock that jolted his system, Jed found a hint of his own resentment.
"What did you want me to do, Jed? Stand up next to you every time you told him he was a worthless bastard? Would you have been happier if I had done that?"
"I never called him a worthless bastard. You're just talking out of your ass now."
"You don't have to say the words for everyone to understand that's what you mean. That's what you always meant. It's how you treated him. And now that he's gone, it's how you treat me." Tempers were running high now.
"Did I fall in a rabbit hole? Where the hell is this coming from?"
"The way you barged in on me and Brad last night. You made me look weak in front of him and you had no right to do that!"
"You ARE weak! I'm sorry, Jack, but any parent who can't control his child without beating the crap out of him is weak."
"You arrogant, sanctimonious..."
"We're in a public place."
"I never beat the crap out of my kid! Do I spank him sometimes? Yes. One smack on the rear with an open hand on his clothed bottom. I never use a belt or anything else that would actually hurt him. I have NEVER put a bruise on that boy and if you don't believe me, you can ask him!"
The exchange flew out at such a rapid pace that both Jed and Jack were caught by surprise. Jack's lips were quivering and Jed didn't know if it was because he was preparing to say something else or if he was trying to stop himself from digging any deeper.
He faced his younger brother, humbled by the unexpected outburst. "Okay."
"That's all you've got to say?"
"I don't know what else I could say. If I could change the past, I would. Hell, if I could go back just a few minutes ago..."
"You can't. And neither can I."
"Jack..."
"Let's just get the shoes and go."
Twenty minutes passed before Jed finally left the store. Jack was wandering just outside the exit, enjoying his last puff on his cigarette when Jed walked out. Inside the bag he held in his right hand were the shoes he had bought for Ellie, but it was the bag in his left hand that caught Jack's attention.
He stood and greeted him curiously. "You found a pair?"
"I did. A nice pair of shiny black patent leather shoes that would be perfect for Zoey."
"For crying out loud..."
"What do you want me to do? They only had a few and they were either too big or too tight. It's apparently unheard of for any man in this state to buy a pair of decent patent leather shoes that fit. You know why? Because the whole concept is stupid! It's a dumb tradition and the only reason it's still in place is because no one has the nerve to fight it."
"Then be the trailblazer."
"I would except Abbey would probably kill me," he muttered. "One more store and then we'll officially give up."
They walked the span of the mall side by side with an uncomfortable vibe that showed in their awkward swagger. Jack turned several glances towards his brother. Jed pretended not to notice, but each time he saw it out of the corner of his eye, he was tempted to reopen the lines of communication. He didn't though. He simply continued the trek without uttering a single word.
"One time," Jack finally said.
"What?"
"One time, I lost my temper and hit Brad." It was a soft admission, laced with obvious remorse.
Jed stopped walking. Jack did the same.
"How bad?"
"It was about three weeks ago."
"What happened?"
"We have these neighbors who have a basketball hoop at the end of their driveway...facing the street. I don't know why. They're just asking for trouble. I told Brad so many times not to play in the street. I told him how dangerous it is. I told him. Over and over again, I told him."
Jed could hear the anguish in Jack's voice, even now. "Kids don't always listen."
"No, they don't. One day, I was driving home from work and there he was with all his friends, dribbling his ball right on the pavement. I called for him and sent him home to meet me there. I told him he was grounded for two weeks. He got so angry that he threw the ball at the house...broke our bay window. So I pulled him in by the hood of his sweatshirt. I yelled at him...loud. So loud that I was sure the whole neighborhood could hear me. And Brad...he covered his ears. That infuriated me. I don't know why it was such a trigger, but that's when I lost control. I yanked his hand away from his ear and he tried to push my arm. I smacked him, Jed. I smacked him right across the face with the back of my hand...just the way Dad used to do. I did it so hard that he fell backwards."
"How bad did you hurt him?"
"He had a bruise on his cheek. A really big one. He burst into tears and ran from me, locked himself in his room and would only speak to his mother, who by the way, also wouldn't speak to me. I went for a drive because I just had to get out of that house. All I could think about that night was Dad. I kept seeing Brad's face in my mind and it reminded me so much of yours."
"Mine?"
"Those times when you and Dad would fight, you had that same look in your eyes - sadness, fear, desperation...like you'd give anything to get along with him."
"I didn't know you noticed."
"I did. I just didn't know how to help. I was too much of a coward to do anything, so I stayed away from him."
Jed nodded. "We both did what we had to do back then. My concern now is Brad. Did you talk to him?"
"Of course. But how do you reassure a kid after that? That's why he was afraid of me last night. It was the first time I had been angry with him since that day. I'm sure he thought I was going to hurt him. I can stand here and tell you over and over I wasn't, but you're not going to believe me anymore than he would."
"Can you tell me with one-hundred percent certainty that you won't ever lose your temper like that again?"
"No." His answer was harsh, but honest. "Can you tell me you won't ever lose your temper with Elle, Liz, or Zoey?"
"I lose my temper with them as frequently as any father, but I can tell you that it'll never turn physical."
"Then I guess you're a better man than I am, Jed." Jack took a few steps.
"We're not done."
"Yeah, we are. Let's go find those damn shoes."
A half hour and a dozen shoes later, Jed wiggled his foot into a brand new pair of fitted black patent leather shoes. The shiny tips reflected the fluorescent lights and the shadow of the female clerk's face as she pressed down on his toes.
"Do they feel good?" she asked.
"They feel great. I am worried about how slippery they are on this carpet though."
"Just go outside and scuff them up on the concrete."
"They won't look worn out if I do that?"
"Not if you don't go overboard."
"After what we went through to find them, don't worry."
She smiled. "If there's nothing else, I'll ring these up for you."
"Okay." Jed returned the shoes to their box. "Wait!" he called out just as the clerk turned away.
"Yes?"
"Can you help me with one other thing? See, my daughter is also going to this fancy awards ceremony and well...she has a black satin dress, but she's been begging us to buy her a pair of satin pumps...you know, the ones with that sparkly stuff on it. I don't know what it's called."
"Say no more. What size is she?"
"Five and a half or six. She's only fourteen though, so I don't want a real heel. Just something she can walk in and feel a bit more grown-up."
"Have you seen the dress?"
"Yes."
"And you'd be able to tell me which shoe would match?"
"They don't all match?"
Spoken like a true father, the clerk noted. "Not all of them, no. Some have crystals and designs, some of them have rhinestones in black or silver with trim. Which one will work depends on the dress."
"So what you're telling me is this will be harder than I'm thinking."
"Well, if I guide you through it, I'm sure we can probably find something similar. Wait right here and I'll bring out a few of our most popular teen styles."
Jack collapsed onto a cushioned chair. "We're never leaving this mall."
"Sorry. It won't take long, I promise." Jed sat on the one across from him and when his eyes found Jack's, he saw the anger replaced by a spark of compassion. "What?"
"Is this your first time buying shoes for Liz?"
"It's my first time buying her pumps."
"What the hell are pumps anyway?"
"It's a low-cut shoe without the super high heels or the fasteners you see on little girl shoes." He couldn't avoid Jack's glare. "What? I've been shoe shopping with Abbey dozens of times."
"I think it interesting that you spent all day complaining about finding your own shoes and now that that's finished, you're still not satisfied."
"I'm not doing this to try to prove I'm a better father than you are if that's what you're getting at."
Jack instantly squashed Jed's defensiveness. "I didn't think you were. I just think it's nice."
Jed was touched by his sincerity. He allowed a slight pause before he reapproached their earlier discussion. "Look, you asked me if I'm sure I will never hurt my daughters and I said I am."
"We're done with that conversation."
"No, we're not. I want you to know the reason I said what I did is because I've already been where you are. I've never hurt my daughters, that's true, but there was a time when I was scared I would."
"When?"
"My wedding night. That was when Abbey told me she was pregnant the first time. Throughout the pregnancy, all I kept thinking about was how I could be a different father to my child than Dad was to me. But then Elizabeth was born and when I held her in my arms and stared at this defenseless little baby who looked up at me with the most angelic face in the world, it put some of my fears to rest. My concern shifted and instead of worrying about hurting her, I started worrying about how she was going to feel about me."
"About you?"
"I didn't want her to ever be scared of me. I didn't want her to feel about me the way I felt about Dad."
"She worships the ground you walk on. That's clear to anyone who knows you two."
"Now that we've learned how to deal with each other, sure. The thing is, I adore all three of my daughters, but I don't always understand them, which leads to some pretty strong arguments. That's what I worried about - the fights - until once when Lizzie was little. She made me so angry that I did yell at her. I punished her. And, eventually, she got over it. But as mad as I was, it never crossed my mind to lash out physically. I can't imagine it ever will."
"I wish it hadn't with me and Brad."
"You know, Jack, I was wrong before. You're not like Dad. Dad never felt any remorse. Not back then, not even a few years ago. If he had, maybe we could have had a real relationship with him. Maybe it would have been just a one-time thing, like you and Brad."
His words put Jack at ease. "You believe that?"
"I do. You can repair this thing with Brad. You can show him it'll never happen again."
"You sound awfully certain."
"I'm a Nobel Laureate. I know all."
"You're gonna hold that Nobel Prize over my head for the rest of my life, aren't you?"
"You betcha! Besides, if you ever do lash out that way at Brad again, I'll put my foot so far up your ass, you'll be sneezing shoe laces."
"Patent leather shoe laces?"
"You're mocking my new shoes? I'll have you know these shoes are going with me to all the Nobel festivities. They will spend the evenings dancing with a Queen."
"I'll be sure to inform Abbey."
"What makes you think I wasn't talking about Abbey?" Jed grinned with affection for his wife.
"I should have known," Jack replied in the same manner.
"Speaking of which, Abbey and Kellie should be here soon with the kids. I'll warn you though, Ellie gets so excited about seeing Santa Claus, you and I will be an afterthought."
"Maybe her enthusiasm will rub off on Brad. He learned the truth about Santa last Christmas."
"How?"
"He's at that age where kids talk."
"That's a shame. Believing in the magic of the holiday got us through some pretty rough Christmases when we were little. At least it did for me."
"Me too."
"If it were up to me, I'd make sure no child ever stopped believing in the spirit of Santa Claus. The world is just too cruel a place without a fairytale or two to cushion the disappointments."
"Until you find out it's all a lie and the people you trusted to be straight with you have been fooling you your entire life." His skepticism leaking out, Jack bowed his head.
"You're really the life of the party, aren't you?"
"I'm just saying..."
"I liked believing in Santa. I liked thinking, as a kid, that beyond the four walls of our house, there was someone looking out for us, that even if all the other days of the year basically sucked, there was one day that someone cared if we were happy or sad."
"And when you were faced with the fact that there is no such person..."
"There is. He may not wear a big red coat and ho ho every December, but there is such a person. When did you stop turning to God, Jack?"
His despair was clearly defined in his posture at that moment. Slumped forward over his thighs, his elbows rested on his knees and his head drooped below his shoulders. It was obvious he was struggling with more than just his role as a father. "I haven't. Most days, he just isn't listening."
could have pursued the discussion, but he decided to wait for another time. Instead, he took new direction. "I don't think I've told you how grateful I am that you're going to Sweden with us. It means a lot to me that you'll be there when I accept this award."
"I didn't really have a choice. If I missed it, I'd always be known as the brother of a Nobel Laureate who didn't show up for his shining moment. At least this way, I can steal some of the spotlight." A small smile framed Jack's lips.
"Hey, I'll gladly step aside and let you have all the glory."
"What's the catch?"
"No catch. I'll do it as a favor to you...provided, of course, you're properly dressed for the festivities."
"Ah, now I get it. No way are you going to pawn off your shiny new patent leather shoes on me."
"I hear they're so comfortable, you'll never want to take them off."
"Good. Then wear them for eternity and let me know how it goes."
"Selfish jerk," Jed mumbled.
"Damn right," Jack returned.
d hsThere were still a myriad of unresolved issues between them, but Jed and Jack paved a path towards a more healthy relationship that day. And with a little bit of work, they were confident they could make it down the long road that lay ahead.
TBC