Black Kitten: #covered in a mess of foul-smelling tomatoes and eggs#
Schu: #nasal# Dadsss disssgusssdingk.
Black Kitten: Do us all a favour… and remove that idiotic clothespin from your nose.
Schu (without it): It's still disgusting... Saaay, I take it from your terrible perfume that the readers didn't like your story. #smirk#
Black Kitten: #clean again and remotes last dust particles# Nope. Sorry to say but THEY LIKED IT!
Schu: What! They liked me as an IDIOT?
Black Kitten: Yup. #acts totally disinterested and inspects her fingernails# There're seven reviews. See for yourself if you don't believe me.
Schu: I don't… This can't… #walks away in search of said reviews#
Black Kitten: #waits a few seconds and then bounces the rest of Schwarz and Weiss like a loony# I've got REVIEWS! I've got SEVEN REVIEWS! Gaaawd… I love you… I love you… I love you… I lo-- #sees returning Schu and stops#
Schu: #in shock to each of Weiss and Schwarz# … There were reviews… There were reviews… There were re--
Brad: #knocks Schu over the head# Act like an idiot and she will write you as an idiot.
Schu: #wails# But the tomatoes and eggs!
Black Kitten: #cringes and mumbles# Erm, those were my other internet friends. They didn't like my statement to Ayan in my intro, about best internet friend and so.
Schu: BWAHAHAHAHA! There IS justice!
Black Kitten: I see… You are not sad about my misery?
Schu: … No?
Black Kitten: Okaaay, on to the story. #evil smirk#
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Disclaimer: To whom it may concern Weiß Kreuz doesn't belong to me. It's the property of Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiss (if my sources are correct). And I don't make money out of writing this story.
Warnings: NO BETA. German's my first language and this won't change as long as I live. Well, I want to apologise for this part. I've transcribed it three times and I find it terrible. Sorry, don't be too harsh on me. The next one will be better, I promise. And then there's terrible OOCness… and famous last words.
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"blah blah" … thoughts… /telepathy/
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Author: Black Kitten's Dream
Title: This is SO not happening!
Part 2
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The day after...
Omi sat in front of his computer and stared at his boyfriend's message. Nagi must have been very upset at the time of writing it because the writing itself wasn't his style. The sentences were too long and commas didn't show up much. He had changed from one topic to another, only to return to the first one four lines later. It was confusing, to put it mildly. He knew Nagi was waiting for his reply, but Omi had no idea what he should write back.
He understood that Nagi has run into a wall because Mastermind had looked funny after receiving a mission order from Oracle. And that Nagi's not only totally mortified about this accident; he also got a swollen cheek and a bruised eye from it. And furthermore, Omi was just a little bit confused about the names Nagi had added in the following sentences. He recognised Mastermind and Oracle by their codenames, but the others were foreign to him.
A certain Schu thinks that Nagi was drunk at this time. A person named Crawford will be furious about it, and now his young lover fears the reaction and perhaps even consequences he will receive from a man called Brad. And when Nagi ran out of the kitchen in embarrassment, he collided with a Farfie.
Omi scratched his head. Maybe his koi has been so distressed that he had let out personal names of his team members; contrary to their secret-relationship-agreement. And this Farfie may be an interesting person, but Omi couldn't put him in as one of Schwarz. Or is he, by any chance, the one who makes the pranks on his team members?
Omi put his head on his left hand and reread the sentences which amazed him the most.
'... and then Farfie dragged me into his cell and told me to smoke weed! Can you believe this? Because, he said, weed is healthier than alcohol because alcohol kills brain cells and dead brain cells are worse than a simple lung cancer because there is a chemo therapy for cancer but not for brain-dead idiots and if I ever thought about freezing myself and wake up in a hundred years I would be in for a disappointment because our refrigerator isn't good enough for it--'
A knock on the door and Yohji's voice broke his concentration.
"Oi! Get down, Omi! Birman's here!"
"Hai!" Omi shut the message and decided that he would be able to answer Nagi's letter after a cup of fresh coffee. Now he had to face his own family, and this wasn't easy, either. After Birman's order to Aya the evening before and his vehement disagreeing, the Weiss household was not a cheerful one.
When Omi entered the kitchen, he instantly knew he should have stayed in his room, answering Nagi's message without hesitation. What greeted his "Ohayo!" to the others around the table was deafening silence.
Omi got his coffee and slowly sat down. Carefully glancing, he tried to check the current situation. There was a glaring contest between Birman, Ken, and Aya. All of them with folded arms over their chest. Yohji was the exception; the amusement was written all over his face and he was playing with his wire cheerfully. And the –zip- noise of the deadly watch didn't really help to ease the mood, either.
The atmosphere was icy and Omi didn't like it. They are a team, so they should act like one and discuss their differences without being so immature. It seemed the whole situation was stuck, and Omi decided he should make the first move to bring them back on a verbal level.
"Guys, let us discuss our differences about Aya's discomf--"
"Omi's right. I don't understand you, Aya! If there is a chance to eliminate an evil criminal I would take the mission order without any questions!"
"Ken-kun! I never said that Aya-kun should--"
"And why don't you just take the mission, Hidaka?"
-zip-
"Ha! Now I am the redhead of Weiss! A miracle has happened!"
"Don't act stupider as you are! You could dye your hair!"
-zip zip- "You know, Aya, there is the problem--"
"Shut up, Kudou!"
"Don't you shut up my Yohji!"
"... with the pubic hair." –zip-
"Aya-kun, Ken-kun, please, calm down. We should discu--"
"Why isn't Kudou the one for this mission? No one of us has as much experience in the sex department as him! He would be perfect!"
"Are you saying that my Yohji is a slut?"
"I don't know. He is your boyfriend, Hidaka. But from your idiotic grinning every morning I guess that his skills are--"
-zip zip zip zip-
"Guuuuuuuuuuuys!"
"You're just jealous of Yohji and me! This is so sad, Aya. You and your non-existing sex life!"
"Perverts!"
"Frigid!"
-ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip-
"STOP THIS RIGHT NOW! I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS! Siberian, Abyssinian, sit down, both of you!"
"But he--"
"I said SIT DOWN, Siberian! Balinese, stop this ridiculous noise and put away your wire. And YOU, Abyssinian, will take the mission order WITHOUT any further discussions! IS THAT CLEAR?"
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Aya stared like the rest of Weiss at the red faced Birman, slowly closed his eyes, and took a deep breath to calm down. He had promised himself this morning that he would discuss this without losing his temper. And now, all of it went wrong. He had insulted Ken and Yohji instead of making a good point for his reasons for turning down the mission. He wasn't prude, but this order was just too much, and Birman acted as if he had no choice. Perhaps this fact disturbed him the most.
Opening his eyes again, Aya looked first at Ken and then at Yohji. "I said things I shouldn't have. It isn't really my place to judge your lives. Gomen nasai."
Ken nodded his head to show that he accepted the peace offer, but his angry look was still there. Yohji just watched him carefully as if he was waiting for the great point.
Satisfied, Aya turned to Birman and looked sternly into her eyes.
"However, I will not prostitute myself."
"I said eliminate the target, not sleep with him!" Birman shot back.
"Oh, let me refresh your memories," Aya hissed angrily, stood up, took a stance with his hands on his hips, and began to imitate her voice in a manner only a man with a normally deep voice could produce. The result was... scary.
"Go undercover into the well guarded domicile of the target, who has 'Surprise!' a taste for young male redheads, charm him as one of his playthings, and then eliminate him."
Now, all of them were staring at him, speechless about his performance. Aya ignored his gawking team members and bent over the table towards Birman. "And what, oh great Birman, did I get wrong about the order?"
First, the young woman had looked baffled at the parody of her own person. Now, her face was twisted in anger. Slowly, she reached into her bag and took out a cell phone. She dialled, waited a few seconds, and then spoke in a grave voice to the unknown person on the other line.
"The stupid red deer bells by midnight... No mercy for the squirrel... Over and out."
Aya blinked at her cryptic message and watched irritated as she closed the phone with a flick of her hand.
"Abyssinian," Birman regarded him icily. "Your mission starts NOW."
Aya could only stare at her and then, after a few seconds, narrowed his eyes, raised the head, and folded his arms.
"Make me."
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
"... The squirrel is dancing around the nut... Hmmm... Over and Out." The leader of Schwarz disconnected the phone line and made eye contact with Berserker.
Farfarello knew instantly that the mission had started because the code had been his own idea. The young Irishman nodded once, turned his eye back to the youngest team member and continued to watch him in amusement. He had had a great time yesterday, thanks to the boy. Nagi had been so shocked after the wall and beer incident that Farfarello could easily manipulate him for one of his pranks. He had needed only five minutes to talk the boy into total confusion, and it had been fun to watch the young one's eyes getting bigger and bigger while he gave the boy a serious advice. Well, now, sitting at the kitchen table, Nagi looked utterly exhausted as if he had had a totally sleepless night. Aw, poor thing.
In the meantime, Crawford observed the remaining two members of the Schwarz household thoughtfully. Nagi and Schuldig hadn't moved one ear during his telephone call. They didn't show any interest in their surroundings. The boy seemed to be in deep thoughts and was poking at his breakfast unenthusiastically. Schuldig just stared at his full plate with tired eyes, absent-mindedly biting his lips.
Crawford kicked Farfarello under the table to catch his attention and pointed with his head at Nagi while throwing the young Irishman a look that said: Don't you think you went too far with him?
Farfarello just grinned back in reply and pointed with his head at the depressed looking German: Heh, look who's speaking.
A sudden bang startled both assassins out off their silent conversation.
Nagi stood, both hands firmly planted on the table, and glared at Farfarello. "I hate you, just that you know it!"
Farfarello widened his eye innocently and put his right hand on his chest as if to say: Who? Me?
"It's your fault that I wrote this stupid letter to Om--... my boy--... koi... ARGH!" Nagi threw his arms in the air, sat down again, covered his face with his hands, and started to whimper. "He will think I'm an idiot!"
Suddenly, Schuldig snapped out of his thoughts, jumped up from his chair, and declared vehemently "And I'm not a whore!"
In the following silence Nagi gaped, Crawford blinked, and Farfarello chocked on his coffee.
Ignoring their reactions, Schuldig narrowed his eyes at his leader. "I will not go on a mission that contains a certain secret nightclub for certain people with certain taste. And I give a shit about the target and his certain taste for redheads. Send another one!"
"And who would you send on this mission if you were in my position, hm?" Crawford asked the young man calmly.
Frowning, Schuldig eyed his team members. There was an innocent teenager. Well, maybe not so innocent anymore but still a teenager. A funny berserker with psychotic tendencies, and a leader with 'seme' tattooed on his forehead. Not many choices, it certainly didn't look good for him.
Schuldig held his head high when he informed Crawford about his final decision.
"No."
Crawford arched one eye brow. "No?"
Schuldig shook his head.
Crawford stood up.
Nagi looked nervously and Farfarello cheered.
Schuldig took one step back, hesitated, and then folded his arms self-confidently.
"Make me."
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
Crawford had shown sympathy for the desperate young man and had ended Schuldig's misery by dragging him with Farfarello's help into the car to drive him to his destination; to the well hidden nightclub in the woods outside of Tokyo.
The drive was quiet apart from German curses and later begging. Farfarello was sitting on Schuldig's lap and had his fun pushing the German back into his seat every time he tried to flee. On the last mile, Schuldig couldn't fight anymore and gave in into his fate. He sat defeated on the backseat with gloomy eyes and gnawed on his lower lip. Farfarello was petting his head from time to time in comfort and smiled amused as he watched the unhappy man. Schu, you have no idea what's awaiting you.
Surprisingly, Crawford seemed to be troubled as he watched Schuldig many times carefully over the driving mirror. He had been greatly amused about Schuldig's paranoia, and the young German had been almost cute in his attempts to talk him out of this mission. But now, Crawford wasn't so sure about it anymore. Maybe he should inform Schuldig about those certain details.
When they finally arrived, Crawford wanted to calm the young man's nerves by telling him more about the mission, but Schuldig didn't seem to hear him; he even looked blankly through him while Crawford tried to explain the situation.
"I'm sorry, Schu. But you have to believe me, it isn't that bad. I would never--" Crawford wasn't able to continue due to the fact that he was being rudely pushed away by a short, high screeching and feminine looking man who started to mince around the German.
"Oh my god! Where did you find such a beauty? Those eyes! And those hair! What a creature! So exotic! He is perrrfect!"
The two Schwarz assassins could only watch in stunned silence as the gnome dragged a traumatised Schuldig into the house, screeching the entire way about beauty and hair until a closed iron door shut out the voice mercifully.
They stood there for five minutes and stared at the point where their team member and the thing had vanished. Slowly, Farfarello turned amazed to Crawford.
"Did you know about...?"
"No."
They got into the car without daring to look at each other, and drove back home in absolute silence.
After two miles a car approached them from the other direction. Farfarello looked disinterested at the passengers as the car passed them. What he saw was an angry looking Siberian as the driver, behind him appeared a laughing Balinese who was sitting on the lap of a furious Abyssinian.
Farfarello smirked and shut his eye.
It looks as if Weiss are having fun, too.
.-. .-. .-. .-. .-. .-.
tbc
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Black Kitten: #comes out of the love-torture-Schu-chamber with tousled hair and scratches on her face# Oi... that was... phweeeee.
Aya: #looks suspicious at chamber# Hn?
Black Kitten: Oh, that's just my lo--... tort--... chamber.
Aya: Lo-tort-chamber? #enters to investigate#
Black Kitten: Weee! Now I have two bishies in there! #runs after Aya#
Yohji: Oi! Black Kitten! Wait!
Black Kitten: #stops in her tracks#
Yohji: Have you seen Aya? I can't find him.
Black Kitten: #points to chamber#
Yohji: #enters#
Black Kitten: #amazed to the readers# Can you believe this? They are assassins! #giggles and hops like Little Red Riding Hood after the trapped bishies#
Farfie: Hey, Kitty-Cat. What's up?
Black Kitten: # stops again and turns to Farfie with a huge smile# Oh, my, this is going to be a wild session. #louder# Just my lo-tort-chamber over there.
Farfie: #points to the door next to it# Can't be more fun than my chamber. Dark Schneider is waiting.
Black Kitten: OO #runs excited into Farfie's chamber#
Farfie: #smirks to readers# Can you believe this? She is the authoress! #cackles and hops like... #cough# Little Red Riding Hood #cough#... after said authoress#
Omi, Nagi, & Brad: #cheer# Go, Farfie! Go!
Behind door no. 1: #censored#
Behind door no. 2: #censored# #censored# #censored# #censored# #censored# #censored# #censored#
3 hours later…
Black Kitten: #comes rumpled out again# Whew, reviews. #waves Pandora.81# Hi! You have no idea how I acted as I received the first review…
Brad: #mumbles# Image a monkey with rabies on LSD and trust me, that's nothing compared to her.
Black Kitten: ... and that it was from you made me sooo happy! I just love your fics!
Schu: Oh, was this the reader who called me cute and titled me with '–chan'? I love her!
Brad: #whispers to Black Kitten# I take it he didn't really read the reviews.
Black Kitten: #whispers back# Either that or he has an acute case of repression.
Aya: #dryly# He's just an idiot.
Schu: Oi! Why you are all so mean to… wait… #wolfish grinning at Black Kitten# Did you just make the same mistake with Pandora.81 as with Ayan? BWAHAHA! The other authors won't like it! You will be covered in stinking eggs and tomatoes forever!
Black Kitten: Mariya-chan, Chi-chan, I would LIKE to tell you about ALL those HORRIBLE things that will happen to carrot-head over there. I have many, MANY ideas for our SchuSchu. #evil look at Schu#
Schu: … Meep?
Black Kitten: And Thiliaen, I like this pairing too, but I can change it #glare to Schu# ANYTIME to Takatori x Schu.
Schu: MEEP!
Black Kitten: Xellas, about my pen name, one day I see Schwarz as little black kittens who are dreaming their adventures. The other day I see myself as Schwarz's little kitten who's dreaming all their adventures. The next day... hm... what an interesting idea for a new story...
Schu: #shudders# First, she's all philosophy, and now she has new ideas. #whispers to Ihni# You have no idea how right you are. She is sooo mean... to me... and she should burn Burn BURN!
Black Kitten: #babbles on# ... but, dear Xellas, I didn't get your comment about my name and "Alice in Wonderland". #scratches head# Was there a dreaming black kitten?
Schu: #scolds in German# HA! Trottel! Armleuchter! Kulturbanause! (Ha! Idiot! Twit/Dope! Philistine!)
Yohji: #amazed# He IS an idiot!
Aya: #bored# And what's new?
Schu: Hinterwäldlerin mit einem IQ von einem Plastiksackerl!… (Yokel/Hick who's got an IQ of a little plastic bag!)
Brad: Schu! Stop it! #to Chi-chan# She's from Austria. #back to Schu# She can understa--!
Black Kitten: #eyes bulging and face deep red# WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Schu: … Oh Kami-sama… I forgot.
Weiss & Schwarz minus Schu: #run for their life#
Black Kitten: Now we're alone, only the two of us. Isn't this NICE?
Schu: #gulp#
Black Kitten: It's almost as nice as the review I've got from Skrya, who was sooo kind to tell me that my typos are easily forgiven.
Schu: #mumbles# I get it.
Black Kitten: Because I'm NOT a NATIVE speaker.
Schu: I GOT IT!
Black Kitten: #looks sternly at Schu# What are you waiting for? You know where the love... torture... erm … chamber is? Avanti!
Schu: #walks to chamber in resignation#
Black Kitten: #evil grin to the readers# And he calls himself Mastermind. He is sooo easily to manipulate. BWAHAHAHAHA! Wait for me SchuSchu! I'm coooomiiiing!
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