Black Kitten: #weeps#

Farfie: #sharpens knife# What's wrong?

Black Kitten: #sniff# One reviewer didn't like my intros and endings. #sniff#

Farfie: #stops sharpening# Who?

Black Kitten: #points at Ohayou#

Farfie: #drags Ohayou to the lo-tort-chamber no. 2#

Black Kitten: #blinks#… Erm… poor thing. Anyways, he/she should have just waited for this chapter, because… #totally happy#… I've got sooo many reviews! Thank you all! And therefore, I can't answer all those lovely reviewers in my personal style anymore because that would make the length of an own fic. Hm, interesting idea.

Schu: You're just too friendly for this world.

Black Kitten: #looks suspiciously at Schu then nods# Riiight. So, I want to thank and hug and give Schu and Aya plushies to Chi-chan (Danke! The screeching gnome? #looks down# Poor thing. #smirks#) Thiliaen (omg…Breathe! BREATHE!) Pandora.81 (Wai! Really? S. 2! #totally happy#) KyraEnsui (Sorry, today only Farfie's lo-tort. #points above and shudders#) Cookie6 (#points down# Thank you and I hope u like this chappie too!) Xellas (I'm really a dope/twit, am I? #sniff#) Mariya-Chan (Danke! #cuddles#) chahiya (#amazed# Thanks!) Bloodrose 'Valentine' Foxxstar (Hey! Let go of MY SchuSchu!... Okay, let's share. XD) silvertears (Oh, you already have plushies? #thinks#… Do you want a key to my lo-tort-chamber instead of my plushies?)

Schu: You finished?

Black Kitten: No, because look! You can stick the plushies in this way and then they're making #censored#! Isn't this great?

Schu: #stares at plushies# … And what's with Ohayou?

Black Kitten: Oh, I would like to thank and give plushies to him/her for his/her constructive criticism, but he/she is occupied. #screams coming out of Farfi's chamber# Well, maybe later.

Schu: I see, but why are the other reviewers looking so angry and holding up signs? #reads signs: We want keys too!… I have already plushies! Give me the key!... No! Give it to me, or else! and looks eyebrow-raising back at Black Kitten# Real smooth.

Black Kitten: #gulp# Oh my… I will… think about something. #holds key to her chest and runs away in panic#

Reviewers: #stampede after authoress#

Schu: #smirks# One point for me. On to the story.

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Disclaimer: To whom it may concern Weiß Kreuz doesn't belong to me. It's the property of Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiss (if my sources are correct). And I don't make money out of writing this story.

Warnings: NO BETA. German's my first language and this won't change as long as I live. Well, and then there's this and that and terrible OOCness. And humour, yeah, I think there's humour in it. And about the ending, it's really not as bad as someone may think. It's still humour. #nods#

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"blah blah"… thoughts… /telepath/

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Author: Black Kitten's Dream

Title: This is SO not happening!

Part 3

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Two hours later, Schuldig had a déjà-vu.

He was shocked again.

After the little she-man had dragged him into the estate and the huge iron door had shut him out from the outside world, Schuldig knew that Crawford and all those other evil, EVIL men around the world had won.

The little man had dragged him through a labyrinth of corridors to a changing room where two other men were already waiting for them eagerly. The little man had screeched an order, and the two men had screeched back in response. When the gnome finally had left, the two men had started to clap their hands excitedly and Schuldig had decided that it would be far better for him to just stay in his traumatic state. He had shut himself down and had experienced the next two hours as if they were nothing but dream.

And now, two hours later, he stood motionlessly in front of the mirror, unable to do anything but stare open-mouthed at his reflection. The only thought he could mange was Crawford, you are SO dead.

Schuldig had fantasized in his panic about cuffs, chains, whips, needles, and hot wax. An ordinary S&M club for ordinary people. But never in his life had he thought of this.

Now, there was a collar around his neck, but that wasn't really so bad. It was a smooth one, with a nice, shiny, green coloured precious stone in the middle. It matched his eyes perfectly, and it looked definitely good on him. Thus, there was no protest coming from Schuldig's side.

The clothes weren't so bad, either. There was a short, sleeveless jacket which ended a palm above his bellybutton. Though there were no buttons, it only showed parts of his chest. The trousers were in the same material as the jacket, soft and silken, and the thin material hung low on his hips and floated down his legs in a pleasant way. And the leather slippers were really comfortable. All in all, he looked surprisingly decent, and this was certainly an agreeable surprise for him. It didn't match his panic about the perversions he had thought would await him behind the walls of the old temple the target had occupied for his spare-time activities. No, not at all.

But, if Schuldig would spread his legs, he could see a fleecy orange coloured cat tail hanging from his rump-bone down to his ankles. The tail went through the trousers and was fixed on his underwear.

Well, this was quite different from his expectations about a certain taste of the target. So, it could have been worse, couldn't it?

It was.

Because, what really triggered Schuldig's second shock in only one day was on his head.

Two fluffy, orange coloured cat ears.

And they were not only stuck up on his head.

They were also welded together with his hair.

And could only be removed by cutting out.

And this means holes.

And Schuldig whished back the cuffs and chains and needles and Crawford covered in hot wax.

Brad, you are sooo dead.

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Miles away, Crawford sneezed like a loony.

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Schuldig tugged on his cat ears. He just couldn't believe it. Gott, this is ridiculous. I look like an overly grown cat!

He was startled out of his shock when the little man from before rushed wailing to him to wave away his probing hands from the cat ears. Thanks to the size, his head only got to Schuldig's chest, so the man had to stretch to reach the offending hands. Schuldig watched him bewildered. Wow, he really looks like a gnome.

"Don't touch them! You will ruin the whole work! Ah, you look great, Neko-chan!"

Schuldig blinked. Neko-chan? This is too much!

"Look you little… What happened to your eye?" Schuldig let go of the cat ears, and stared at the colourful era of the man's swollen left eye. He knew the man hadn't had a black eye two hours ago.

"Oh, dear, you have no idea!" the man started to wail in pure misery, "I've got a new delivery shortly after your arriving, and he is sooo mean! A brute! I only touched him once and now look at me! It's awful! I'm disfigured!"

Schuldig's lips widened into a grin. He already liked this new arrival.

"But I will make sure that this monster will never have a chance against you!"

Puzzled, Schuldig interrupted his speech. "What do you mean?"

The little man looked back in slight confusion. "Don't you know? You have a competitor! Kurogawa-sama likes to choose, and I can proudly say that I even managed to find two beauties in such a short time."

A competitor? Schuldig was fuming. Nobody will get into his way to eliminate his target. Irritated by the news, he grabbed the babbling man by the shoulders and shoved him out of the room.

"Show me this guy. I want to see my rival with my own eyes." Oh, and then I will twist his mind so that he thinks he really is a cat. Schuldig sniggered in anticipation. He could already see his rival hissing and scratching at the target, and then cleaning his imaginary fur.

However, when they walked through the corridors, Schuldig learnt that he wasn't the only 'animal'. The young men which passed their way had similar outfits, but instead of other cats they passed a mouse, a horse, a peacock, and… A cow? Schuldig looked down at the young man in amazement. With an udder? He gazed at the passing cow-guy with some sympathy, and came to the decision that maybe it wasn't so bad that he was the cat.

The anticipation to meet his counterpart grew and Schuldig started to smirk in excitement. Let's see what an animal my rival is.

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Aya stared in shock at his reflection in the mirror. He just couldn't believe it. This was not acceptable. It was absurd, ridiculous, and just humiliating.

Birman, I swear, if I ever get my hands on you, you're dead! You hear me? DEAD!

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"God bless you." Miles away, Crawford passed Birman a handkerchief.

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Just when Aya reached up to tug in utter disbelief on his little fluffy bunny ears, a loud voice startled him out of his furious thoughts.

"HAHAHAHA!"

Angry, he whirled around, ready to murder the person who had the nerve to laugh at his misery… and stared wide-eyed at the man who was leaning against the doorframe, pointing at him while laughing hysterically for all it was worth.

"Schwarz!" Aya hissed and took a fighting stance.

"HAHAHA!… Wei--… We--… HAHAHAHA!" Schuldig held his stomach and slipped down the wall, unable to make a normal sentence.

Aya's mind was racing in search of a strategy to fight against one of his archenemies. Frantically, he searched the room for useable weapons.

"HAHAHA!"... /Take the brush!/... "HAHAHA!" Tears were running down Schuldig's face as he imagined Aya as a bunny assassin, armed with a hairbrush and throwing little cotton balls at him.

"Stay out of my mind, Schwarz!" Aya snarled furiously. How dare this man mocking me? And what is Mastermind doing now? Perplexed, he stared down at Schuldig who was already on the floor and started to crawl on all fours towards him, still shaking from laughter.

"Oh, you know each other?" the little man chirped in false delight as he watched his crawling Neko-chan curiously. Who are those creeps? Now I've got a brute who apparently hears voices in his head, and a hysterically laughing... madman? Kurogawa will not be pleased!

Schuldig crawled the last meters, got up on his knees beside the Weiss member, and began to nudge Aya's bunny tail up and down cheerfully.

Aya gaped at the sniggering assassin before he hastily stepped out of the German's reach. "What the hell are you doing? Have you lost your mind? Prepare yourself!"

Wiping away his tears, Schuldig stood up and smirked provocatively back. "And for what should I prepare myself, hm?"

"To di--!" Aya trailed off and eyed the third person in the room. And the third person looked back at him, clearly waiting for his answer. Aya frowned. Kisama! I can't kill Mastermind. Not in front of a witness. He watched as the little man sighed and then seemed to have an idea. The man began to rub his hands together.

"Well, I think we should introduce ourselves. My lovely name is Akio. For you, my beauties, it's Akio-chan."

"Oh, of course, where are my manners," Schuldig replied with a scandalized look. "My name is Schuldig. And for you, my little gno--… guy, it's Master."

Akio blinked. Master? Was this just an invitation for sex, or was it an insult? Slowly and a little unsure, Akio turned to the other redhead to get his name.

Aya's eyes narrowed. He would never give away his own name!

/In this case, maybe we should call you snuggle bunny./

"WHAT?"

/Or honey bunny?/

"Don't you dare call me honey bunny!"

Akio stared at the brute in amazement. I've got a loony! Absent-mindedly, he tried to continue the conversation. "Oh, honey bunny, what a lovely nickname."

Hissing, Aya whirled with a killing glance to Akio. "You little bug! If you call me one more time with this ridiculous name, I will crush you under my sole!"

/Maybe--/

"NO! My name is Aya! Do you hear me? Fujimiya AYA!"

Schuldig stared amazed at Aya while the younger man stared back at him in utter shock.

"Lovely… really… Such a nice name." Akio's eyes darted between the both men. Oh Kami-sama, what should I do? Kurogawa is going to kill me! "I… must go! I will ask Kurogawa-sama if he's ready for... you two." OhgodOhgodOhgodOhgod!

Schuldig watched as Akio dashed out of the room with a frantic look on his face before he turned back to Aya. "He really is a little bug, you know? Gott, don't look at me like this. I already knew your name, Ran."

Even Ran? How did Mastermind--?

Schuldig managed to look surprised. /Oh my god! Could it be… Gasp! TELEPATHY?/

Argh! Arrogant bastard! But why did he--?

"Duh, I can, at any time, erase my presence from his mind."

Aya didn't know if he should explode in anger or in shame. Schuldig had manipulated him like a puppet on the strings, and he had fallen into the telepath's trap without a second thought. And now, he not only had given away his name to the enemy, but also in front of a witness!

Schuldig smirked and waved off. "No, really, you did the most of the job."

Great, and now he's mocking me again. But why is Schuldig--?

"Hey, that one's a good question…" Schuldig trailed off thoughtfully. Crawford would have warned him if there was any danger for him on this mission. So, what was Weiss doing here at all? Puzzled by the situation, Schuldig focused his power and searched through Aya's mind but didn't get far because he found something utterly interesting.

In the meantime, Aya was about to strangle the telepath with his bare hands. "Could you, at least, let me finish my thoughts? And what are you doing now? Hey! You cannot space out while I'm talking to you!"

Schuldig focused again on the outside world and gaped at Aya until the Weiss member lost his patience. "What!"

"You're still a virgin?"

"NANI?"

"I cannot believe it." Astonished, Schuldig shook his head. "How is this possible? I mean, look at you. I wouldn't throw such a sexy… bunny… out of my bed."

"…" Aya was at a loss of words because his brain decided to shut down in humiliation.

"A VIRGIN?" Akio stood gawking in the doorway, gripping the doorframe for balance. This can't be happening. Now I've got a crazy, brutal VIRGIN! It's getting worse and worse by any minute! Kurogawa will not only kill me, he will torture me to death!

The two assassins turned to the source of the hysterical outburst. Schuldig just nodded in response, apparently still in a daze. Aya closed his eyes and counted up to ten. Now he was calm again and could handle the situation. However, when he opened his eyes again he could still see Akio gawking at him as if he was a curiosity.

"Stop looking at me as if I'm a freak!" Aya shouted, his good intentions completely forgotten.

/You know, Aya, a virgin at twenty?/

"Stay out of my mind, you German bastard!"

/Autsch./

Gritting his teeth, Aya turned back to Akio. He would show this man once and for all who really was a freak here. Self-assured, he pointed at Mastermind.

"He's a telepath."

It was so silent in the room that one could hear the noises from the mating dance of a lonely cricket in the endless dessert of Nairobi.

"He is a… right." Akio knew he should just shut his mouth. Never irritate a lunatic, an old wisdom says. And he would stick to it.

"But… Schuldig, show him!" Aya ordered furiously, but the German just looked back at him in silent wonder. Whimpering, Aya buried his face in his hands. I did it again! I'm acting like a complete idiot! What's wrong with me?

"Of course he's a telepath!" Akio chirped in despair. It's now or never. Please, Kami-sama, I beg you, let me succeed!

"And now it's time for our… telepath and the luna--… bunny to meet our Kurogama-sama!"

At the target's name, both assassins automatically got into mission mode. They really had the same target, the same mission. They narrowed their eyes and watched each other carefully. Who would make the first move?

"Er… So, it's time!" Akio cheered falsely while watching them nervously. "Okay, I will go first… I'm going now!… Well, just… follow me." OhgodOhgodOhgod. Please, let me survive this. Akio rushed out of the room.

The two men eyed each other for a few more seconds, and then Schuldig took his chance and sprinted after Akio. He only got a few meters before a sharp tug pulled him back.

Behind him stood Aya, holding his cat tail firmly in one hand. "You will not interfere with my mission, Schuldig."

Irritated, Schuldig pulled back his tail. "Your mission? Ha! Just try it!"

"Oh, we will see who's the right one for this," Aya spat.

"Of course, my little bunny virgin," Schuldig spat back.

They walked after Akio; nudging and pushing each other the whole way.

Akio turned and observed the two bickering men walking behind him. He had a plan. No, in fact he had two plans. And one of them will turn out well and will save his life. When they finally arrived in front of the door to Kurogawa's room, Akio took a deep breath. Okay, time for plan no. 1.

"Now, let's meet Kurogawa-sama." Akio laid his hand on the door handle, waited a little for better dramatic, and then played out his first joker. "By the way, Kurogawa-sama's nickname is… Inkei Kyodai."

And Akio waited for a response. And waited. And waited. And then turned around to the bunny and the cat.

Both young men were goggling at him with eyes as big as saucers.

"WAS?" "NANI?"

tbc

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Autsch (ger.) Ouch

Inkei Kyodai (jap.) huge cock (#looks at rating# Phew, it's already R)

Was (ger.)/Nani (jap.) What

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Black Kitten: #holds plushies and knocks on Farfie's chamber# Are you both finished in there?

Ohayou & Farfie: #at the same time# YES/NO!

Black Kitten: … Okay… I will leave Ohayou's plushies by the door. Have fun, you two. #walks away head shaking # Young people nowadays, tsk.

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