Black Kitten: Hi, minna-san! I'm SO sorry for the late update but my hardware dissolved itself. #holds up destroyed hard disk#
Schu: And that kept you off from uploading for a whole month?
Black Kitten: Er… A lightning should strike me if I tell you a lie! #flash... strike... fries... carbonizes#
Schu: #turns on ventilator and blows ashes away# On to the story!
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Disclaimer: To whom it may concern Weiß Kreuz doesn't belong to me. It's the property of Kyoko Tsuchiya and Project Weiss (if my sources are correct). And I don't make money out of writing this story.
Warnings: NO BETA. German's my first language and this won't change as long as I live.
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"blah blah" … thoughts … /telepathy/
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Author: Black Kitten's Dream
Title: This is SO not happening!
Part 5
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"He's DEAD!" Perplex, Aya gesticulated at the deceased target while Schuldig quickly locked the door and frowned back at him.
"Are you sure, Aya? Have you checked for any vital signs?"
"Are you kidding? I won't go near him. He smells unbearable."
Schuldig couldn't help but smirk at the statement. "Let me get this straight. Your targets must smell like roses or you won't go near them? Maybe I should give you a long stick so that you can poke him. You know, to test his reflexes."
"You are impossible, Schuldig," Aya shot back. "He's your target, too. Why don't you just go and check him?"
Rolling his eyes at the Weiss leader's almost childish behaviour, Schuldig answered him in a bored voice. "Okay. He's dead."
"Nani? You didn't go near him! You didn't even look at him!"
"Am I crazy? He doesn't only look like a warty jellyfish, he stinks like one!" Shivers ran down Schuldig's back at the mere thought of touching the corpse. Shaking himself in disgust, he ignored Aya's puzzled look about his comparison and continued.
"You can take me by my word, Aya. No brainwaves, therefore he's dead. Telepathy can be very practical. No. It IS very practical. In fact, all I have to do is…" Schuldig trailed off uncertainly when he caught the murderous look the Weiss assassin was giving him.
Aya's eyes were narrowed in realization of what the telepath just had confessed, and his voice was very, very low. Dangerously low, so to speak.
"Are you saying that you would have let me examine this disgusting man even though you already knew that he is dead?"
Schuldig blinked a few times, surprised about the accusation coming out of the blue. Normally, he would stick to the truth and would tell Aya straight away that he had checked the victim's brainwaves after his refusal to go near him. But this would mean he would shove Aya his unprofessional behaviour right under his nose. Not a good draw at the moment, regarding the younger man's bad mood. And furthermore, the Weiss assassin didn't seem as if he would believe him at all; glaring accusingly at him with folded arms over his chest.
All in all, Schuldig had the funny feeling that he was being confronted by his angry wife, and he just knew, every answer coming from him would be the wrong one. It was a trap, nothing more.
He didn't really know why he bothered so much, they were still enemies. And he wasn't really depended on the Weiss member; after all he was the telepath here and didn't need any help from an ordinary, non-gifted man. But the kiss had been so nice, and the chances that he would get another one were higher when he didn't anger Aya any further.
Thinking about the kiss, Schuldig gulped hard at this somewhat awkward situation, and then cleared his throat carefully. It was now or never.
"Um... I did it just to be sure that he isn't faking it."
Aya's eyes narrowed further. "The lack of brainwaves?"
Schuldig grabbed his cat tail and started to tug nervously at its tip. "Um... Yes."
When Aya caught Schuldig's handling, his eyes widened for a moment before they turned into slits again. Angry, he pointed at the cat tail in Schuldig's hand and hissed furiously.
"Do you really think you can distract me with this? I'm not that easy!"
Huh? Schuldig looked dumbfounded at Aya, then at his tail, and back at Aya again who, in the meantime, had turned to the target. Confronted with the stiff back Schuldig got curious. This was the second time Aya had made a comment about his cat tail. Maybe he should take his time and scan the other man's mind thoroughly. Who knows what's hidden behind those violet eyes.
Maybe little Aya has a fetish? Schuldig grinned in delight at the thought. Hm, maybe I should play more often with my tail, just to see his reaction. Oh, this could be fun!
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Aya had turned abruptly to the dead target to hide his blush from Schuldig. It was ridiculous of him to react so strongly. He didn't know why his mind mixed the handling of the tail with the handling of a certain body part. Why couldn't Schuldig be the bunny? Then he wouldn't be able to play with his bunny tail and distract him so easily. Okay, perhaps the Schwarz member would play with it, Aya wouldn't put it past him, but it wouldn't be that erotically.
Lost in thoughts, Aya couldn't see Schuldig's eyes widening behind his back when another thought struck him. Did Schuldig already know about his embarrassing thoughts of him and the cat tail, and was now just playing dirty to wind himself out of his own uncomfortable situation? However, for the sake of the mission he had to ignore this delicate problem. He had to concentrate fully on the problem at hand without further distractions.
Huffing in frustration, Aya eyed the dead target.
"Okay, he's dead. But why?"
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Schuldig had heard Aya's thoughts about him and his cat tail with rising amazement, and was now grinning from ear to ear in cheerful anticipation. He hadn't been playing dirty before, but this could be changed easily. Unable to resist the temptation, he quickly bit a few times on his lower lip to stimulate the blood circulation in them and stepped beside the Weiss leader. Leaning forward to catch Aya's full attention, he began to tap with the end of his tail teasingly against his flushed lips. Thoughtfully, he stared at the corpse in fake wonder.
"Maybe he had a heart attack while watching our kiss?"
Schuldig sniggered inwardly when Aya's eyes went wide at the sight cat-tail-on-flushed-lips-of-a-half-open-mouth. Licking a few times seductively over his bottom lip as if he was considering this thought seriously, Schuldig continued in his best bed room voice.
"No, Liebling, you're right. The kiss wasn't so bad, but-- AHHH!"
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Crawford had had only seconds to prepare himself before Nagi came stomping down the stairs to the living room, screaming Farfarello's name like a war cry on his way down. Well, Crawford had made it in time, thank Goodness, and now, he sat there holding up a newspaper like a shield to block out the sight of the grinning Irishman and of a very angry Japanese teenager who was blocking the only escape route out of the living room.
Crawford didn't dare to clear his throat like he would always do while reading, he just held the newspaper higher to hide himself from his remaining two team members. The last thing he needed was to get involved in their dispute.
It was silent in the room. The only noise was from Crawford himself, slowly turning the pages from time to time to hold up the credibility. He had even reduced his breathing to a very slow rhythm to draw any attention away from him. His eyes were fixed on an article which didn't make much sense anymore. Not after staring at it for at least twenty agonizingly long seconds. Well, it seemed as if it was time to blink again and to turn the next page.
"You can stop pretending to read, Brad," Nagi hissed from his place by the door.
Crawford reacted fast. He got instinctively into the survivor-mode of a very small animal. He didn't have any scent glands, so he took his chance of survival by freezing into stillness to confuse his attacker.
"Don't let your bad mood out on our innocent leader," Farfarello chided the youngest team member with a smirk on his lips.
Crawford could have strangled the young Irishman for this comment. He so didn't need to be involved in this.
Tapping with his knife against one cheek, Farfarello continued cheerfully; never letting the glaring youngster out of his eye. "Look, Nagi. You cannot kill me with thoughts like 'Die! Die! Die!'. You aren't Schu, you know?"
"You lunatic!" Nagi screeched lividly, and a pawn of the chess game which was still sitting on the table flew like a bullet only nano millimetres past the Irishman's left ear.
"You don't say," came Farfarello's drawled reply, completely unfazed by the boy's fury and his pawn weapon, and he reached up to rub his itching ear lazily while looking demonstratively bored at the absolute sensational discovery of the state of his mind.
Nagi growled and continued with barely suppressed rage. "What the hell is that on my nose, huh?"
Okay, this was just unfair. Their calmest and politest team member of their little family was not only yelling and cursing; now he was even referring to something Crawford couldn't see behind his paper shield. The Schwarz leader gripped the newspaper harder. He knew he shouldn't, but he was only human despite all the rumours about his personality. Carefully, he peered over the paper to look at the tip of Nagi's nose. Blinking, he eyed the red spot with black dots on it.
Crawford knew from his vision that mayhem and chaos would destroy his beloved living room, and that Berserker was involved in this, but what the fuck was that?
"It's a ladybug, silly," Farfarello stated dryly and more than a little insulted. "A blind man could see it."
Crawford whirled around to him and shouted in unison with Nagi "Are you CRAZY?"
Rolling his eyes at the amount of stupid questions directed at him, Farfarello sat up and tilted his head with a thoughtful expression on his face. "Well, let me think about it for a moment. Yes, I am. Oh, and by the way, you were so cute when I made it, Nagi. Sleeping like a baby, scrunching your nose every time I touched it with the tip of the felt pen."
Smiling, the Irishman stood slowly up from the couch and regarded the boy mockingly. "Say, Nagi-chan, did you know that you slobber in your sleep?"
In the time of mayhem and chaos that followed, Crawford sat there in total defeat. The second time in only a couple of minutes, mind you. And from time to time avoiding a piece of his beloved living room that was flying around thanks to Nagi's power, Crawford watched helplessly the process of pure destruction, Berserker's dodging in form of a mocking dance, and listened to his insane laughter and teasingly 'Catch me! Catch me!' while Nagi was snarling in blind rage.
Suppressing an unmanly whimper, Crawford covered his face with his hands and whished he could switch with Schuldig right now.
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"You... beat me."
Stunned, Schuldig touched his bruised lips in incredulity. He was only slowly recovering from his shock while he stared at the young Weiss leader who was currently inspecting his sore hand. Schuldig couldn't believe what Aya had done out of the blue, but suddenly, furious thoughts coming from the younger man hit him like a cold wave.
The kiss was not so bad! How dare he! Bastard!
Wide-eyed, Schuldig tried to calm the irritated man. "Aya... Kätzchen... Häschen… I was joking!"
Schuldig winced at the daggers Aya's eyes were shooting at him in reply, and when the Weiss assassin spoke again his voice was beyond icy.
"You need another punch?"
Scrambling to his feet, Schuldig glared accusingly back. "First you kiss me and now you're about to beat the crap out of me. What's wrong with you?"
"Stop whining. The kiss was nothing more than a sacrifice in order to hold up my cover. Don't interpret it for more, Schwarz."
"A WHAT?" Schuldig snapped his mouth shut and balled his fists. He would not lower himself into shouting... any further. So, Aya was in denial now. What a surprise. Smirking, he stepped in front of the younger man and demonstratively nudged the tip of Aya's nose.
"Oh, be careful, my little wooden friend. I'm standing right in front of you. Any more lies and I'm afraid I'll be forced to suck on your nose."
Aya blinked confused back, more baffled about the German's speech than the finger gently tapping against his nose. Did the man just threaten him by sucking on his nose?
Schuldig caught his thoughts and stopped the nudging at once. With the fingertip still on Aya's nose, he looked dumbfounded back. "You do know Pinocchio, don't you?"
Shaking his head in negation, Aya stepped out of the telepath's reach. Maybe he should hold up a safety distance from now on. Just to be sure. Who knows what weird and perverted ideas the German still has?
"Wooden guy? Long nose when lying? Little annoying duck?" Schuldig counted on desperately. He didn't want Aya thinking of him as a pervert. Or, god forbid, a nut-case.
In the short silence that followed their cultural exchange, they could hear muffled voices and shouts coming through the locked door, followed by a loud bang and a rattling of the door handle. Instantly, both assassins froze up and stared at each other in realization of what they had completely forgotten the entire time. Akio, and his men.
Frowning, Schuldig inspected the lock and the massive but old door critically. He knew it wouldn't hold any longer, not with a couple of men trying to break through it from the outside. Aya took a quick look around the room for an escape route while Schuldig was eyeing the door. The result was not good. No windows and only one door decorated with a rattling door handle. The room was nothing more than a private and very discrete pleasure chamber. Calmly, Aya turned back to Schuldig.
"We're trapped."
"I know, Aya."
"Do you have any weapons with you?"
"Are you joking? Oh, wait! I totally forgot the battle axe hidden in my a--"
"Punch?"
Schuldig growled back in annoyance. Abyssinian was cute, but no fun with his mood swings. Ignoring the urgency of their dangerous situation, he stepped to the commode near the targets heart-formed bed, snatched the first object he could reach, and threw it at Aya who caught it in a knee-jerk reaction. Satisfied, Schuldig nodded to the object in the younger man's hand.
"Now, my dear Abyssinian, you have a weapon worthy to replace your katana."
Aya stared in shock at the huge, more than ten inches long black dildo in his hand, before throwing it loudly shrieking away. "Oh gods... That's disgusting... Oh gods... I held it... Oh gods..."
Baffled, Schuldig watched Aya's hysterical attempts to rub his hands clean on the bunny tail and his thin trousers. And then the words finally hit him. Slowly, he looked down at his own hands.
"Ewww!"
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Omi was on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
Since Ken and Yohji had come home from escorting Aya to his mission, they were at it like rabbits. Shamelessly, they had occupied every possible place of their home for their lovemaking. Omi had managed to run into them three times, so far, and never in his life will he be able to remove the picture burnt deep into his mind of Ken pounding Yohji up the stairs. And after that, he had taken cover in his own room and had turned up the music loud enough to cover every moaning coming through the thin walls.
However, now, approximately one hour after the last traumatic incident, the pressure on his bladder couldn't be ignored anymore. Whimpering and stepping from one foot to the other in order to hold back nature's call, Omi listened for any treacherous noises that would tell him where they were on it right now. Surprisingly, no moaning could be heard, and so he worked up the courage to open the door to the corridor. Nobody was there.
Breathing a sigh of relief, Omi rushed down the corridor to the toilet door, threw it open, screamed, and wetted himself.
Yohji - sitting naked on Ken's lap who for his part was sitting on the toilet seat - put a hand on his sweat covered chest.
"Gods, Omi, you've scared me to death. Couldn't you at least knock before you step into... Omi?... OMI!"
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"I will... never... forgive you," Aya panted exhausted while throwing glares at Schuldig. Shuddering in disgust at the very thought of coming near the dildo-thing again, he shoved the terribly heavy commode with the German's help in front of the door.
"And what good... is a telepath... when he cannot... kill the enemies... with his gift... Mastermind... That's a laugh…"
Shoving the last few inches, Schuldig let go of the commode and snapped angrily back. "Excuse me, my katana swinging friend, for not being a killing machine. At least I could count them! And I'm so sorry that I'm not a perpedo mobile and can't burn out thirty-one, I repeat for the astonished audience, THIRTY-ONE brains in a row!"
Rolling his eyes, Aya dismissed the German's explanation with a wave of his hand. "And what do you think we should do now? Trapped like this and you of no use?"
"Oh, you're a leader, Abyssinian of Weiss. I'm merely a simple-minded commoner, humbled by your majestic presence."
Aya lowered his head to press his forehead against the surface of the commode. He could feel a headache coming up, and this bickering was getting them nowhere.
"Your orders, mein Führer?"
Maybe he should take the German as his gun shield.
/Grrrrr./
Sighing, Aya straightened up again and threw a glance around the room. The house was an old temple, and they were in a room with no windows and only one door. Therefore, somewhere in this room must be a secret--
"I would say there's a secret door somewhere."
Startled, Aya turned back to Schuldig who was pointing a finger at him triumphantly. "Ha! Some leader you are! The commoner must tell you the simplest things!"
"But… That was my idea! You read my mind!"
"Me? Can't be! Or did you forget that I'm of NO USE?"
Aya cringed slightly at the insulted tone of the telepath. Maybe he had been a little bit too rough before, but for the other to make a fuss about it now was not helpful in their situation. Glancing at Schuldig, Aya tried to make a peace offer by continuing in a softer voice. "Stop acting like a four-year old and help me search for it... Please."
Schuldig humph-ed and watched sceptically as Aya turned around and began to knock conscientiously and methodically at the wall in search for a hidden door. Sighing loudly to show how much he had to endure at the moment, the Schwarz member turned to the opposite wall and started to search for it on his own.
Three minutes later, both assassins were carefully stomping on the floor in search of a trapdoor.
Two minutes later, they were jumping around in slight panic.
"This can't be... There must be... Somewhere..."
"Scheiße... Shit... Merde... Shit... Scheiße..."
Two noises let Schuldig freeze in his cursing and jumping. A loud cracking one, coming from the door and announcing the approaching success of their enemies to break through it, and a startled yelp from Aya.
Pitiful moaning was coming from a hole in the floor. Schuldig rushed to it. Kneeling down, he peered down into the darkness.
"Aya? Kätzchen? You still alive?"
"Baka. Have you ever heard a dead man moaning?"
"Well, yes. A dead body can produce an amazing amount of--"
"Shut up. I think I've found it."
"No shit, Sherlock." Schuldig sniggered and stood up. "Step aside, Aya. I'm coming down."
"Wha-- NOOO!"
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"Oh gods... I think my spine's broken!" Schuldig whimpered in pain.
"You idiot! Get off!" Aya shoved angrily at the man who was lying on top of him. "I SO hope you have broken some bones, you stupid German. Jumping without warning! You're crazy!"
"How should I know that there isn't much room! You could have said something!... Hm, I think I like that position."
Aya stilled his shoving at once to take in their position. Schuldig was facing him. The long orange hair tickled his nose and the warm breath tortured the inside of his very sensitive ear. Not to mention the lower part of Schuldig that was pressing through the thin material of their trousers against his own groin. Aya's heartbeat increased and a treacherous warm feeling rose in his lower belly. He panicked.
"Off! Off! Off!"
Shifting and shoving, Aya managed to turn their position upside down. He scrambled on top of Schuldig, kneeled, and reached for the trap door only to shut it at the same time loud noises and victorious shouts sounded through the target's room.
Darkness surrounded them.
"Off! Off! Off!" Schuldig yelped in pain when Aya's bony knees drilled themselves into his stomach, and he shoved them away as far as the narrow space would allow. Lying on his back with Aya sitting on his lap, Schuldig listened carefully to the footsteps and muffled voices above them. After a few minutes he was sure that the enemy didn't know about the hidden trapdoor, and he spoke again in a low voice.
"Okay, Aya, let's face it. We're buried alive."
"No," Aya whispered back, "We are not buried alive. There's a tunnel on the right side. I can feel it." And he scrambled off to take the lead, leaving Schuldig to get up on his own knees and to follow him.
The tunnel was narrow and hardly high enough to crawl comfortably. Schuldig had a hard time, banging his head a few times against the ceiling. His shoulders brushed with each move against the stony wall and his knees hurt because of the hard ground. After a few minutes of silent crawling, his voice sounded through the darkness.
"Jesus, I SO do not want to know what insects and spider thingies are creeping arou--Hmmmphhh!"
Startled, Schuldig blinked, trying to work out that he had his face firmly pressed against Abyssinian's butt. And if he wasn't totally wrong, then it must be real that the tip of his nose was pressing against a certain virginal part of Aya.
Oh oh.
First, Aya was so in shock that he didn't move one inch. And then, the whole embarrassment of the situation hit him. Scrambling a few metres away, he turned his head and yelled.
"Hentai! You... HENTAI!"
"Hey! You stopped without warning!"
"… We're trading. You are taking the lead!"
"Aw, does little Aya fear little spiders?"
"Urusai!"
Snickering, Schuldig crawled forward the narrow corridor and started to press himself past the humiliated man.
And he pressed.
And winded.
And twisted.
And bended.
And...
"I think we are stuck."
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tbc
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translation:
Liebling (germ.) darling
Kätzchen (germ.) kitten
Häschen (germ.) bunny
mein Führer (germ.) my leader
Scheiße (germ.) Merde (franz.) Shit
baka (jap.) idiot
hentai (jap.) pervert
Urusai (jap.) Shut up
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Black Kitten & Farfarello & Crawford: #scared shitless and clinging to each other#
Schu: Ooookay, I so do not want to know what's wrong with them.
Ken: #claps hands# Reviews! Oh, KyraEnsui. It's nice to know that you don't break, Farfie will be really happy about this. Oh, I'm one of your favourites? #shyly# Thanks. But, you see, I think that everyone in this universe is a toy for the Great Master Plan.
Schu: #annoyed# Cut that crap, Kenken. Philosophy and you don't mix. … WingofShinigami. Yup, she updated and now I'm stuck with Aya #giggles# …Jiyuu. #smirks# Black Kitten needed only ONE month!... Gabrielle174. Oi, Farfie, I think you have a fan out there.
Farfie: #babbles gibberish and huddles deeper in the corner# … Dead body… Psychopath… Fuck… Mommmmyyyyyy!
Schu: Er… Pandora.81--
Black Kitten: Scaaaaaaarrrrrryyyyyyy!
Schu: Huh?
Black Kitten: Pandora knew what I was going to write! That's creepy!
Schu: Oh, please, as if your story line's that demanding.
Black Kitten: #blinks# It isn't?
Schu: #rolls eyes# See, Pandora, you may have been overtired but Black Kitten is always insane.
Black Kitten: #smacks Schu over head# Pandora smacked her muse and I can smack you. Now, I'm feeling better again. … Koji-chan. Hm, sorry, but Schu had his nose already in Aya's butt. #cackles#… Bloodrose 'Valentine' Foxxstar. Oh, come on. Wake up! What will you do when Aya and Schu are #beep# when you already faint at them kissing?
Schu: #big eyes# Aya and I are going to beep?
Aya: #even bigger eyes# BEEP?
Black Kitten: Hush! Don't tell the readers my story line!
Schu: #sighs# Gods, how often must I tell you. They're not dumb.
Ken: #nods#… Kyra2. #nods again# Oh, it's true that killing the target through someone else is rude, but I think it doesn't really matter… for the target ... I mean… He is dead and so… Therefore… What I want to say is…
Schu: Gods, spare me!... Yami Kaosu--
Brad: #dazed# Birman… me and… Birman…
Schu: #sniggers# Brad together with Birman? Like in a het relationship? Yami, how did you manage do get this idea? #breaks down laughing #
Black Kitten: #sniggers# Funny image. cattley. HINTERWÄLTLER? #laughs# Peinlich, peinlich. Ehrlich, keine Ahnung wo ich da gerade geistig war.
Schu: Aaaalso, wenn mich jemand nach der Meinung fragen würde, dann--
Ken: #confused# What are they talking about?
Black Kitten: Ruhe in den hinteren Reihen. Also, liebe (oder lieber) cattley, danke noch mal für den Hinweis! Hoffe dir gefällt die Geschichte weiterhin!
Brad: This is getting too confusing. I'll take over. sheero. Yes, it's really strange that Aya is the bunny and Schuldig the cat, but it's also a very strange story… Oh… OH…
Black Kitten: What? WHAT? #reads#… update… god… #amazed# Oh my god. I'm a god!
Brad: Too late. #hangs head#
Schu: And you are calling yourself an oracle. Shame on you. … Baka-Ryu. Dark comedy? Hmph. Ryu, I think you are interpreting too much into this sto--
Black Kitten: Oh yes! Dark comedy, it is! Love and torture! But I don't know why everybody fears the lo-tort-chamber. It's really cosy in there.
Schu: #shudders#
Black Kitten: Angel Hoshi 1. Oi, an angel wrote me. Now I'm a god with an angel!
Schu: #bangs head against wall# By all the gods in heaven and hell, let this come to an end already!
Black Kitten: #evil look to Schu# Angel Hoshi, I'm SO sorry, but Schu is in for his next lo-tort-chamber exercise. But you should see him in there, he's really kawaii. And I think all of the bishies are cute … in one way or another. #cough# … lantisluver7. You squeaked? #giggles# Sometimes, I have those funny impulses, too … er… Do you know you wrote that you love me? #blushes and giggles like a lunatic# Now I'm a beloved god with an angel and my own chamber!
Schu: #looks defeated# What did I do in my former life to deserve this? You don't have to show me the way to the chamber. I will wait in there. Crying.
Black Kitten: What are you waiting for? Shoo! #to the reviewers# Thank you all for your great reviews! I had so much fun reading them! Luv you for them. Until next time!