Chapter 3 - Snape's confession
Silence followed this question. Snape didn't dare to look at Dumbledore and he had no idea how to continue. He had never told anyone what he was about to tell Albus. "Yes Severus, I would very much like to know!" Dumbledore was fully aware that it was difficult for Snape to continue. "If you would like to carry on with this conversation tomorrow, so that you can clear your mind, we can do that?" "No, no Albus, there is no need for that." Snape knew that if he stopped now, he would never again be able to talk about it. "Now is just fine."
He pulled himself together: "The reason I can't stand Potter is as I have already told you his father, James." Dumbledore nodded and invited him to go on. "You know how I told you, when I came back to the right side and left the Dark Lord, that it was because of the murder of James? Well the truth is a little more complicated. I didn't always hate James, in fact I am not even sure I ever really hated him. James was… I was… You see, I… I never… I'm… I don't know how to tell you this, but I… I've never had it easy with you know..." Snape blushed deeply as he tried to continue. The sight was an odd one. Snape's usually pale face became pink with the flush, he looked younger and his face seemed somehow soften.
Dumbledore looked Snape straight in the eyes as he interrupted his stutters: "You have never had it easy with girl, I'm I right?" Snape nodded: "I have never understood why they are so fascinating. I've always just found them difficult!" He tried to meet Dumbledore's eyes, who looked at him with so much understanding and care. He hoped that Dumbledore would still look at him like this, when he finished his story. Albus was like the caring father he had never really had and the thought of loosing his friendship and trust was unbearable.
None of them said something for a while. Snape didn't know how to begin again and it seemed that Dumbledore was waiting for him to start. When he realised that Snape needed some help to go on he simply said: "You are attracted to men, are you not Severus?" Snape was completely blown away by this question. Al he was able to say way: "How did you know?" and he said it in such a way that almost made Dumbledore laugh. "I have known for a long time. Why, I cannot tell you, but I just had a feeling that told me. And it also explains a lot of things."
"But", Snape was still unable to believe this. Dumbledore knew and had known it for a long time and he still cared for him and trusted him? This gave Snape courage to continue. "For how long have you known?" Dumbledore considered the question for a little while before answering. "I suppose I have had the suspicion ever since your last year a Hogwarts. Remember the Halloween party when that Ravenclaw girl, what was her name? The one with the dark hair whose mother had a bookstore in Hogsmead." "Miranda Robins" said Snape, "that was her name". "Yes I believe you are right. She came up to you with a Butterbeer and tried to kiss you. I stood quite close by as I was on duty supervising the dance. I remember your face so clearly. You totally panicked and left the Great Hall without a word. I believe the idea first came into my head that night."
Snape didn't understand this. "But if you have known for so long, why haven't you said something before now?" "Because I know that nothing good ever comes out of forcing someone to talk about something he or she is not ready to talk about. I did want to press you because it might push you away. I knew that some day when you were ready you would tell me, and I was right, was I not?" Snape was quite amazed. "Your knowledge of the human mind is so extensive." Dumbledore laughed softly. "I suppose you are right and if I might be so bold Severus, you could do with extending your knowledge on that field a little farther." He knew that Dumbledore was right and was not offended. "You have an excellent mind, but without being able to understand other people you won't get far, but now we have strayed from the important point. Why don't you tell me when you first found out yourself?" Dumbledore was still smiling widely.
Dumbledore sat back in the chair waiting for him to begin. Snape wondered were to start his story. He was not sure of the answer to the Headmasters question. "I suppose I have known that I was a different ever since I was a little boy. I was never very outgoing or good at socializing with other boys. I was never good at making friends. My father never understood this or me for that matter. He said I was soft, stupid and weird, that there was something wrong with me and I began to believe he was right. I hated him for it, but everybody seemed to share his opinion of me. I tried to harden myself by pushing every emotion I ever felt away, so I am not sure when I realized that I wasn't attracted to girls. In my schooldays I was never popular, you know this of course. "Snape looked at Dumbledore, who nodded."I began to believe that it was because I was different and it might be true, but today I don't think I was right. I think that most people disliked me because of my sometimes very awkward manners. I believe I, mostly unconsciously, gave the impression that I felt everybody to be beneath me. I didn't feel that way. I was just because I was insecure, but I never let anyone close, so nobody knew. I think everybody thought of me as arrogant and conceited, but deep down I was just lonely. I hid behind my books, but it was never enough." Snape looked sad, but somehow he felt that a huge weight was being lifted of his shoulders. "Why didn't you just try to be a bit more polite and friendly?" asked Dumbledore. "I did, but it never worked for me. I tried to join the quidditchteam, but they didn't want me and it was always like that, but then at my third year I met James Potter in Care of Magical Creatures and he was nice to me in the beginning. That was something totally knew to me. He talked to me and said hallo to me when we past in the corridors."
"James was a very nice boy until he and Sirius entered their teens. I have never really understood why they changed so much in those years, but I suppose that girls had a lot to do with it. It was only then that they began to bully you?" asked Dumbledore. "Yes, it didn't start until the ending of our forth year I think, but then they were very unpleasant. It never really bothered me that Sirius was bullying me but it hurt me that James was. I liked James very much. I loved him I suppose, even though I didn't realise this till after we left school."
"What I don't understand is why this makes you hate Harry. If you loved his father, why do who have to hate his son?" "In the beginning it was because I felt it was his fault that James had been killed. If it hadn't been for the prophecy James would still have been alive today. I know that the truth is that it is my fault. I passed on the information, but it was just easier to blame Potter." Dumbledore looked as if he suddenly understood everything. "And this is why you came back to our side? Because you realised that sympathising with Lord Voldemort had led to James' death?"
Snape nodded, he was ashamed of himself, but he also felt a need to justify his actions. "When I found out that James had been killed because of what I had heard I realised what I had gotten myself into. Until then it had never really occurred to me how serious it al was. To me it had mostly been a joke." "But Severus, you were so close to Lord Voldemort, how can you truly say that you didn't know about al the terrible things he did? I believed you back then when you told me for the first time. I could see the truth in your eyes, but I didn't understand. I mean you were right in his inner circle."
"I was properly the one closest to him at one point, but my relationship with the Dark Lord was different from the relationship his other Death Eaters'. I wasn't sent on very many missions. He kept me close at all times and never really allowed me to be involved with his "work". I wasn't a supporter like the others I was more like a servant." As Snape said this he looked up at the clock hanging over his writing desk. It was almost one o'clock. He felt exhausted, talking about al this was harder than he had ever imagined. Dumbledore saw his look and understood it. "What do you say, if I suggest we continue this conversation tomorrow, Severus? It seems to me that we both need some sleep?" Snape agreed and they decided to meet the next morning for a stroll around the grounds. "I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast" Dumbledore said as he left the room.
Snape closed the door behind the Headmaster. He felt drained but also happy, something he hadn't felt in a really long time. As he went to bed he thought to himself that having someone to confide in wasn't the worst thing, he just wished he had realised this earlier. He felt that it could have saved him a lot of sleepless nights. Despite this calmness he knew that the worst was yet to come and as he fell asleep he was wondering how to tell Dumbledore the rest.