The garbage chute was long, steep, and grimy.
Needless to say, Naruto wasn't in the best condition when he exited the metal duct work. Things would get worse immediately thereafter.
"Ahhh-hh-h…." he shot head first out of the chute, seeing a quick flash of a well-lit room before he was buried up to his ankles in refuse, like a human projectile. "What the f-…."
Numerous chutes from adjacent building fed into the same disgusting hamper. Creating a number of clones, he had them grab his ankles and pull. Just as they were about to follow his instruction, they popped out of existence when Hinata plowed into them.
"Gurk!" Pressed deeper in, Naruto swallowed something particularly disgusting. Dirty, aching, and thoroughly grossed out, he called forth more shadow clones. This time they yanked him out into the light.
"Naruto-kun." Hinata had managed to escape a similar fate, since she had landed on him. Sitting on a mound of trash, she smiled, still dressed in nothing more than her panties. It was easy enough to see, all traces of her usual shyness were gone. "We're alone… together… how wonderful…."
"Huh?" Naruto looked down at his gross and disheveled clothes. He took notice of weeks worth of refuse, long over due for removal and incineration. He barely managed to step aside when a large series of bags and boxes came flying out of the chute, origins and contents unknown. "Wonderful?" Remembering what he held in his hands, he offered her clothes to her. Banana peels and food wrappers were stuck to her blouse. Her pants had stains from more than a dozen sources. "What star did you fall from?"
"NA-… ROOO-OO-OO-… TO…." That was Sakura's voice. She didn't sound very happy.
"Hurry!" Hinata was suddenly galvanized into action. "We can't let her catch us!" Grabbing Naruto's arm, she showed more strength than he ever would have imagined, pulling him up and out of the dumpster.
"Hey… wait…." Naruto barely missed being slammed into a large support pole. "Your clothes…." Sure, they were filthy. But, it was better than being naked, wasn't it? Then again, why was Hinata naked in the first place? His eyes went wide when she grabbed the clothing, opened the glowing orange door of an incinerator, and tossed the apparel into the flames. "But…."
Jiraiya could watch everything through the eyes of anyone he chose, as long as they had drank the punch. So far, the entire little episode with Naruto and Hinata had been priceless. Enjoying the whole 'Actions of Teenagers Drunk on Demon Liquor and Paralleling Ancient Myths' angle, he decided to mine that vein a little longer. This time, he would twist things around a bit, however.
"U-… ZU-… MA-… KI… NA… RU… TO…." Sakura's booming voice was easily heard over the combined sound of various hissing, thumping, or whooshing machines. Susubori was making it sound a lot louder than it really was. Under his control, Naruto and Hinata never had reason to wonder just why things were happening the way they were. Neither did the number of spectators who had followed Sakura down the long series of stairs to the place below.
"Well… that'snot something you see every day…." One of the municipal workers rubbed his eyes, streaking his face with soot and oil. "A near naked girl running by." He reached into his pocket, took out a half empty flask of alcohol, and threw it towards the nearest bin.
"You can say that again…." His co-worker shook his head in disbelief, wondering if he was seeing things. The boy that sped past was dropping garbage with every step he took.
"Hey! That tops'em both." A third man pointed. "A girl with pink hair!" He plastered himself against a wall when a furious-looking Sakura darted past.
"Yeh… sure…." The other two men laughed, having missed the pink blur. "Tell us another one…."
"Naruto has the role of O-Kuni-Nushi," Jiraiya said upstairs, trying to set the stage for the amanojaku. "The Hyuuga girl will be Suseri-Hime." He walked over to get something to eat while he spoke, his jutsu shielding him from view. "Tsunade's pupil will get to play Susanoo this time around."
In old legends, O-Kuni-Nushi, who would later become a god, was the god of medicine, was aa descendant of Susanoo. Along with his eight brothers, he competed for the hand of Princess Yakami of Inaba. While traveling from Izumo to Inaba to court her, the brothers met a hare lying on a beach. It's skin had been stripped off by a large shark. Seeing this, they told the rabbit to bathe in the sea and dry in the wind at a high mountain. The rabbit believed them, did what they suggested, and suffered in terrible agony as a result. O-Kuni-Nushi, also called Ōnamuji, lagged behind his brothers, and came across the pitiful hare. He told the rabbit to bathe in fresh water, and to cover himself with powder of the cattail flower. That cured the creature, who was in reality a deity. The god then informed O-Kuni-Nushi that he was the one who would be able to marry the princess, if he wished to do so.
Jealous, his brothers killed him two separate times; but, each time, his mother interceded with the goddess Kami-Musabi, who returned him to life as a strong young man. In order to hide him from his brothers, his mother sent him to the god Susanoo in the Underworld. When O-Kuni-Nushi met Susanoo's daughter Suseri-Hime, they fell in love.
"Naruto-kun…." Hinata came to an abrupt stop. When he ran up against her, she closed her eyes and puckered her lips.
"Huh?" Naruto's heart jumped into his throat. What was Hinata doing? Hell, how had he found himself in this entire predicament. "You… I… but… I'm too dirty… don't touch me…." He backed far away, in the direction Sakura was coming from. Talk about being between a rock and a hard place!
"It doesn't mater to me, Naruto-kun." Hinata actually swayed her hips as she walked. "We could get dirty together." She gave him the kind of wink that could turn make a grown man cry.
"B-… B-… But…." Naruto froze. His legs wouldn't work. It felt as if he had been caught in an ice jutsu. "I… you… we…." He had seen a lot of things, hanging around with the perverted sage. But, this was different. It was personal.
"THERE YOU ARE!" Sakura slid into view, fire in her eyes. At that moment, she was very confused. She couldn't tell if she was furious for Hinata's sake, or jealous that the other girl was flirting with Naruto in a fashion she would never even dream about. "YOU… Y-O-U… Y-O-U PERVERT!"
"It's not my fault!" There was nothing like the sight of an angry woman to get a man's limbs working again. Especially a girl as strong as Sakura. He remembered Jiraiya telling him how Tsunade had almost killed him, back when he had caught peeping in on her. "I was down here the first time when she stripped!"
"So… you noticed she's naked…." The pink-haired girl was approaching step by heavy step. She rolled up both sleeves.
"How could I miss it!" Naruto cringed. That was true. But, saying that certainly hadn't helped. Then, something even stranger happened. Once again, he found himself doing something he would normally never do. His mouth moved with someone else's words: "If you're pissed that she thought of it first, then you could strip too." Oh shit!
"You could see if pink's her natural color," Hinata offered. That didn't help either. It left Naruto cross-eyed for a few seconds, when he realized just what she meant. That couldn't be Hyuuga Hinata… the girl who always kept quiet and hid when he walked by… saying that!
Sakura shouted with pure rage, at the same exact moment a large steam whistle sounded. While it might be break time for the workers, it was time for her to get to work. Like a leopardess chasing her prey, she took off after a fleeing Naruto and Hinata. It didn't make her feel one bit better when her teammate swiped a worker's coat off of a hook and put it on the other girl.
Meanwhile, back in the party room, Jiraiya was faced with an embarrassment of riches. It was like sitting in the central room of a bawdy house, with small windows looking in on each of the parlors. No, it was like having cable TV, where every channel was pay-per-view and adults-only. This was better than any reality television show could ever be. So many drunken teenagers, so little time!
"That's… just… wrong…." It took a lot to shake up the Frog Hermit. A lot, indeed. "Was that your idea, or his?" When the demon answered in the affirmative, the Legendary Sannin wondered just how evil the spirit might actually be. He watched as Aburame Shino crooned into a karaoke microphone, his cowl pulled far over his head.
"Mem'ries, light the corners of my mind…." Shino sang so horribly off key, that dogs outside in the alleyway were howling. "Misty water-colored memories, of the way we were…." Even though his voice sounded like someone strangling a cat, there were numerous girls standing around him, reaching out their hand. Unbelievable as it might be, he had groupies!
"I'll be a monkey's perverted uncle." The Sannin felt the bite of a green-eyed monster. No, not Sususbori. Envy. He never had that many women swooning over him, despite his greatness. That is, unless he was spreading money around. Trying to sooth his stung pride, he muttered so that only the demon could hear: "Of course… you know… that's all because of us."
"Scattered pictures, of the smiles we left behind… smiles we gave to one another, for the way we were." Shino continued to warble. A number of girls threw pieces of paper with their phone numbers and e-mail addresses written in lipstick. A couple of the kunoichi threw their brassieres. "Can it be that it was all so simple then? Or has time re-written every line?" One girl passed out. "If we had the chance to do it all again, tell me, would we? C-o-u-l-d we?" Three more joined her.
Jiraiya was distracted when something ran in front of him, on all fours. For a moment, he thought that a dog might have gotten into the Rec Center. But, the speeding shape had been clothed. It was the Inuzuka boy. Tongue hanging out, he ran from girl to girl, sniffing their butts. When he asked Susubori if Kiba's actions were due to the demon's influence, or the effects of the alcohol, the demon actually sounded embarrassed. It was the liquor's doing, not his.
"Damn, I'm a good teacher!" The Legendary Sannin practically preened. Tsunade's lecture had been dry and boring. Everybody had probably forgotten every word she said. But this! This was more than memorable. The shinobi would all understand the dangers of drinking when they sobered up.
"Mem'ries, may be beautiful and yet… what's too painful to remember, we simply choose to forget…." Shino took off his long cloak and began swinging it around. Chakra bugs flew this way and that. A few more girls fainted. "So it's the laughter we will remember…whenever we remember...the way we were.…" He then did the unfathomable. He took off his dark glasses. "The way we w-e-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-re.…" A few cups and goblets fractured. A crack appeared in one tier of the punch fountain.
"I want to have his baby!" One girl shouted.
"Take a number!" Another girl shoved her roughly out of the way.
Once again, Rock Lee was inspired by what he saw. True, the idea wasn't original. But, that didn't matter. Very few of the Taijutsu moves he studied had been developed in recent history. Nevertheless, skillful ninjas could hone them sharper than ever before.
"Ohhhh-hhh-hh-h…." He grabbed the microphone from Shino, used his Dynamic Entry kick to clear everything off of one table, and then did a somersault to land on top of it. "Watch me ladies!" Smiling, light 'pinged' off of his teeth. Gai-sensai would be so proud. He began singing. If possible he was even worse than Shino. "I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…so sexy it hurts." He was too caught up with things to realize that the room suddenly went dead quiet. "And I'm too sexy for Milan, too sexy for Milan… New York and Japan." Someone in the far corner began retching loudly.
"I can't believe he's our teammate," Neji said, a stricken look on his face. He felt embarrassed by association. A strong-willed person with a very tidy and regimented mind, he struggled vainly against the unknown and unsuspected outside influences that were affecting him.
"That's nothing," Ten Ten said, wearing a frilly table cloth like a feather boa. "I can't believe you haven't kissed me yet." With that, she wrapped the rolled up linen around his neck, pulled him close, and put her arms around him. She dipped him, before locking her lips on his.
"And I'm too sexy for your party… too sexy for your party…." Lee sang louder and louder, certain that he was pushing shinobi singing to a whole new plateau. "No way I'm disco dancing!"
"Somebody kill me!" One girl fell to her knees.
"No. Me. Kill me." Another girl hid her face in her hands.
"Don't stop the singing. This is part of the lesson, too." Jiraiya took some cotton out of his pocket and stuffed it in his ears. The demon had asked if he should stop the boy before someone got ill. "This might be the most powerful argument against drinking ever invented." That was ironic, since the demon liquor flowing in the boy's vein had the effect of alcohol, without being truly alcoholic yet. What would happen when the amanojaku later made the chemical conversion?
"I'm a model… you know what I mean… and I do my little turn on the catwalk…." Lee was posing for all he was worth. His spirits were flying. This was better than doing one thousand kicks or fifty laps around the village with his leg weights on. "Yeah on the catwalk… on the catwalk, yeah…I do my little turn on the catwalk…."
Choji had just returned to the party after running home to change. Spraying a touch of breath spray into his mouth just in case he could get Ino to notice him, he watched as Lee walked from table top to table top like a male model. He promptly soiled himself again.
"Shit happens," Jiraiya quipped, quite pleased with himself. "Get it, Susubori… shit happens…." He frowned. "I guess anyone would lose their sense of humor, sealed away in a bottle for so long…."
"I'm too sexy for my cat… too sexy for my cat…." Lee had begun to sweat. He was making the whole thing in to a work-out routine. "Poor pussy… poor pussy cat…." A crowd of ninjas was bottle-necked at the entranceway, fighting to make it outside. Lee was oblivious to it all. He was on stage. This was his big moment. He looked this way and that as he sang, hoping to catch sight of a girl with pink hair.
"Bad dog!" Ino kicked Kiba off of her leg. Whining like a cuffed cur, he ran over to a large potted plant and did what dogs often do. When The blue-eyed girl looked up, she saw Choji waving at her. "Not him!" She promptly ducked back into the crowd, looking for Shikamaru. She stopped for a moment, staring at Sai, who stood over by a large platter of finger food. He looked a bit like Sasuke from that angle. She smiled, thinking him somewhat cute.
Choji sighed and hung his head. It was always that way with Ino and would probably stay that way. Feeling down, he turned his attention to his first love. His one true love. There were very few people over at the buffet tables. A fair amount of food had been eaten, but there was a tremendous amount remaining. It was time that he showed the smorgasbord just how much he cared.
"I'm too sexy for my love… too sexy for my love…." Lee was approaching the climax of his performance. No one would shine as brightly as he would, a shining beacon for the wayward youth of Konoha! "Love's going to leave me." One final verse remained. It said it all. "And I'm too sexy for this song."
There were no applause. No excited whistles. No undergarments. Instead, the ninjas in the crowd looked at one another… at Lee… and then over at the tables. Without saying a single word, they rushed to the food, trampling Choji in the process. In a matter of moments, tomatoes, eggs, and fermented cabbage was flying through the air in Lee's direction.
"F-O-O-D F-I-G-H-T!" The Frog Hermit had no idea who yelled that out. Things went from bad to worse… or, in his mind, from great to fantastic. Unbridled teenage mischief, rage, and frustration. Perfect! Things in full swing up here, he turneded his attention below
Susanoo grudgingly welcomed O-Kuni-Nushi to the Underworld. On the first night, the god offered him a room full of venomous snakes for his rest. Suseri-Hime, however, gave him a scarf which spared his life. On the second night the Susanoo offered him a room full of centipedes and wasps, but once again Suseri-Hime rescued him with a magic scarf. Desperate, Susanoo shot a hissing arrow into a meadow and ordered O-Kuni-Nushi to find it. When O-Kuni-Nushi reached the middle of the meadow, the god set the field aflame. Good fortune struck when a mouse guided him to an underground shelter, where he found and fetched the arrow. These escapes impressed Susanoo. Before he knew it, he began to approve of O-Kuni-Nushi. The god asked him to wash his hair, then fell asleep. Instead of washing, O-Kuni-Nushi cleverly tied the god's long hair to the rafters of the house, stole his divine sword and bow, swiped his harp Koto, and then fled with Suseri-Hime on his back. As he ran off, the harp awoke Susanoo who pulled down his house with his hair while attempting to stand up.
When the god saw O-Kuni-Nushi with his daughter in the distance and realized he had no hope of catching up, he told O-Kuni-Nushi how to vanquish his many enemy brothers with the stolen weapons, and advised him to marry his daughter. Susanoo then asked that O-Kuni-Nushi and Suseri-Hime build their palace at the foot of Mt. Uka. The two had a total of one hundred and eighty one children.
Hand in hand, Naruto dragged Hinata through a number of small corridors, all situated in the vast underground area that sat under a number of Konoha's buildings. Clones ran hither and you, some disguised as the white-eyed girl; but, the pursuing Sakura never once lost the true trail.
"S-… S-… Save me… Naruto-kun…." Somewhere in mid-chase, Hinata had stopped acting like a sexy vixen and had begun acting like a damsel in distress.
"You got it!" Naruto felt a sense of pride swelling within his chest. He would get out of this mess somehow. He would protect the girl. For some reason, she now seemed like his most precious person, someone to be cherished and taken care of. "It's my Way of the Ninja."
"The entire Niju Shotai couldn't save you two!" Sakura ran trough a number of doors that Naruto and Hinata had already opened and closed. Wood fragments skittered across the floor like frightened mice or fleeing cockroaches. She really didn't know why she was here, why she was running, and why she had to stop her two friends. Without realizing what she intended, she began to fight the amanojaku's control. Naturally, that caused Susubori to act.
"Hey! Sakura-chan!" Naruto stood in the middle of a long room, one that looked to be a storage area for goods and supplies that would be needed during a siege of the village. "After you strip, I'll trade you a whole year's worth of Ramen tickets for a lap dance." He did it again!
"B-A-S-T-A-R-D-!" Snorting like an enraged bull, Sakura redoubled her efforts, surging emotions eroding any effort to resist. She began working jutsus that she didn't even know, unaware of that absurdity.
"No time to nap!" Naruto pulled Hinata close to him as she looked to collapse. Somehow, the room they were in became full of hissing and coiling snakes, many of them looking ready to strike. He hated snakes! There had to be some way across the scaly moving floor.
"Naruto-kun… here…." Hinata spied one old opened crate. Inside, there were numerous rolls of bandages, all uncut. She yanked part of one roll out, holding it in her hand. It looked like some kind of scarf from Naruto's perspective.
"Good idea, Hinata-chan!" Naruto took out one of the larger rolls and threw it with all his might, aiming for a series of criss-crossed pipes far over head. "You really are someone I can like!" The linen bandages unrolled during flight and the spool at the far end wedged firmly in some unseen nook or cranny. "Hold on tight." He leapt from box to box, climbing a pyramid of crates. Large numbers of snakes slithered after him, their eyes glowing red.
"You… you're so wonderful…." That was Hinata speaking on her own, without any demonic strings attached.
"You know it!" Naruto stood still long enough to pose. Then, grabbing hold of the long vine of bandage material, he swung out over the sea of angry reptiles. "I'm going to be Hokage some day." Letting go at the other end of the room, they managed to make it to the next hallway. More storage rooms lay ahead, lined up like beads on a string.
"You can run…." Sakura stopped when she reached the seething tangle of snakes. Bringing one finger down to the concrete floor, she performed Isshi Resshin , the One-fingered Earthquake, creating a huge crevice in the floor. Most of the serpents fell from view. "But you can't hide…." She was soon closing in on the two fleeing ninjas.
"Well, it's certainly better than the junk they call movies nowadays." Up above, reigning in a court of pure chaos, Jiraiya turned from watching Naruto's little adventure so he could focus more on the shenanigans at hand.
Everywhere he looked, something was going on. There were few wallflowers left at this little shindig. Groups of guys and gals had paired up, making out, not caring who might be looking. Some didn't even care who they were kissing. Other party-goers had sat on the floor in small and large circular groups, laughing, drinking, and carrying on. Someone had found packs of cards. Gambling games were in full swing. There were people playing Spin the Bottle, Twister, and Truth or Dare. One trio of shinobi were even trying their hands at yodeling. Yodeling!
Standing tall and regal, at least in his own mind, the Legendary Sannin felt like some vast figure overlooking the Apocalypse. He was the master of all he surveyed. No one could escape his mighty hand! Catching sight of one particular young man, he pursed his lips. The black-clad ninja stood off on his own, not bothering to partake in the various activities surrounding him. It was the boy called Sai.
"His real name isn't Sai," Jiraiya told the amanojaku. "That was just a codename given to him by that over-ambitious asshole Danzo." He didn't know a lot about him first hand, other than the fact that he was once a member of a now-defunct independent subdivision of the ANBU called 'Root,' and that he specialized in artistic ninjutsu. "Naruto told me a little about him." The relationship of the teammates had certainly changed for the better. When Sai was first added to Team Seven, he attacked Naruto's manhood, asking if he even had a penis. That had led to all sorts of 'Dickless' comments that left Naruto fuming long after the fact. But, that had been small potatoes. Sai's original mission was to kill Sasuke because of the danger he posed to Konoha. He decided against doing that, wanting instead to protect Naruto's bond with the missing ninja by rescuing him from Orochimaru. "The boy has problems with his emotions. Let's give him a bit of a hand, there." He chuckled evilly. He thought of something that was apropos.
There was no reason to limit his use of old stories to any single mythos. There was one legend in particular that came to mind, something he had been forced to learn during the days prior to school reform at the Academy. That classical education served him well now. He no longer resented the many times he had been whacked on top of the head by the stuck up shinobi he had as teachers. That bastard Danzo had been one of them.
As with much of the ancient Egyptian mythology, there are various versions of the story of Isis and Osiris. The latter was initially an earthly ruler, who was popular with his subjects. In most versions of the myth, his brother, Set, was jealous of this popularity and plotted against him. In some versions, he had his eyes on Isis, the wife of Osiris. What would ancient stories be without hatred, greed, and love triangles?
"Isis never cared about Set," Jiraiya said, licking at some of the foot that covered the once pristine floor. "But that's no big deal. Consider it artistic license." He picked out the players in his next little play.
Patting her hair into place, Ino took out a compact and redid her lipstick. Then, walking like a well-seasoned vamp, she made her way over to Sai and started flirting with him. At one point, she gave him a sloppy kiss on the cheek, leaving a red smear. That had Choji spilling an entire plate of food. Shikamaru, usually apathetic about such things, began to burn with uncharacteristic anger.
"Did you know that Ino means 'wild boar," Ino said, running one finger up and down the cheek of an uncomfortable looking Sai. "I don't want you think I'm a pig, though." She leaned over and blew into his ear. "I love flowers. I hope I'm never without them." She took a step back and ran her hands only her sides, down to her hips. "That doesn't mean I don't want to be deflowered, though." She smiled. "If you know what I mean…."
"I… I… I don't…." Sai swallowed hard. He felt even more uneasy when Ino told him that she would explain what she meant in private.
"This goes well beyond bothersome," Shikamaru said. His usual lazy and bored look had been replaced by one of determination.
Set's plans to be rid of his brother started when he secretly obtained his brothers measurements and had a wonderfully decorated casket made to fit. This casket was in the form of a human shaped box. Set then organized a large feast to which Osiris and seventy two others were invited. At the height of the festivities, Set produced the casket and announced that it would be given to whoever it fitted. All the guests tried the casket for size, but none fitted until finally Osiris stepped into the casket. Having absolutely no evil in him, he suspected nothing. Set immediately slammed the lid closed and sealed the casket shut with molten lead. The sealed coffin was then thrown into the Nile.
Ino's courtship of Sai soon caught the attention of other girls. A number gravitated in their direction, seeing the boy in an entirely new light. That left Shikamaru and a group of other guys standing alone, none too happy with the situation.
"I think it's time we get rid of Mister Popularity," Shikamaru said. He put is hands together, thought a few moments, and then nodded his head. He had the perfect plan. After explaining things to his co-conspirators, he performed Kagemane no Jutsu, holding Sai in place before he had any reason to reach for his ink and parchment. "Alright! Put him in that room. Then seal the door." He pointed towards a small utility closet.
A crowd of boys surrounded Sai, immobilized him further, and spirited him away to the cramped enclosure. Throwing him inside, they used all manner of justsu to seal the door. Not one to be carefree or lax when it came to missions, Shikamaru sent a number of people off to find hammer and nails.
Isis was not afraid of Seth. She searched all of the Egypt and beyond for the box containing her beloved husband. Finally she found it, lodged in a tamarisk bush that had turned into a mighty tree, since the power of Osiris still was in him, even though he lay dead. She tore open the box and wept over the lifeless body of her one love. Carrying the casket back to Egypt, she placed it in the house of the gods. She then went to Thoth, and implored his help. Thoth, the lord of knowledge, who had brought himself into being by speaking his own name, searched through his tomes of magic. Together with Isis, he prepared to perform the Ritual of Life.
"Sai!" Ino hit the closed door with her fists. She didn't hear the boy say "It's OK. I actually like it in here'. "I'll save you, sweetums!" That choice of words had Ino choking for a moment, demonic control or no demonic control. "Somebody help me."
"Sweetums?" Shikamaru's face was a mask of disbelief. He looked like he could chew steel and spit out kunai. "That's… that's so…."
"Troublesome," Choji said for his friend. He sighed. Now Ino had her eyes set on someone else other than him. He clenched his fists and then relaxed them. Closing his eyes, he took a deep breath and made a decision. Even though he had never sided against Shikamaru since he knew him, he would help Ino. Maybe she would see him in a different light. "Nikudan Sensha." Using the Multi-Size Technique, he made himself ball, tucking his limbs inside his clothing.
"Look out!" Neji barely managed to pull Ten Ten out of the way of the spinning Meat Tank. That earned him another kiss from his thankful teammate.
Kiba ran alongside the rolling Choji, barking like a dog chasing at cars. Shino, unable to move in time because of the nine girls draped all over him, flew up into the air like a ten-pin, along with the besotted kunoichi. Shikamaru put his hand on his forehead, making a rather pained-looking face.
The ninjas guarding Sai's makeshift cell stepped aside. Meat Tank met sealed door. The door didn't stand a chance. Wood fragments exploded in every conceivable direction. A large part of the wall broke loose, raining down on the ersatz prisoner and his captors.
Ino ran past Choji without giving him even the slightest show of thanks. "Sai… darling…." She threw herself on a plaster-sprinkled Sai, who looked to be a bit out of sorts. "You'll be alright now…."
Before Thoth could work the magic, Seth discovered what they were up to. He stole away the body of Osiris, tore it into fourteen pieces, and scattered them throughout Egypt. Having done that, he was certain that Osiris would never be reborn. But, Isis still would not despair. She implored the help of her sister Nephthys to help her find the pieces of her husband. They searched for a long time, bringing piece by piece back to Thoth, so that he might work his spells upon them. When all but one of the pieces had been found, Thoth went to Anubis. The dread lord of the dead sewed the pieces back together, washed the entrails of Osiris, and wrapped him in linen. The Ritual of Life was performed, and Osiris was restored to life. The only piece missing was his genitalia.
"So… you must think you're some kind of lady's man…." Shikamaru advanced on a rather perplexed Sai. He had taken a carving knife off of one of the tables. Used for cutting prime rib and leg of lamb, it looked to be rather sharp.
"I do not understand." Sai smiled in that silly closed-eyes style of his.
"You can bet that he'll pay attention to me," Ino said to her teammate. You never did!" She goosed Sai, causing him to jump.
"That can be fixed." Shikamaru's choice of words had Kiba running for the door. "Like this…." He slashed downward with the knife.
In actuality, the knife didn't come close to Sai. That much was obvious to most of the onlookers. But, Sai, Ino, and Shikamaru all thought they saw something altogether different, even though it really didn't make much sense. Even though Sai's pants were still on, it looked as if his manhood had just been cut off and sent flying through the air. If Naruto ever heard about this incident, the former Root member would never live it down.
"You… you… monster…." For a moment, Ino stood aghast, staring at Shikamaru. Then, she grabbed Sai by the hand, never wondering why his trousers looked intact or why there was no sign of blood. "Come on, Sai. We have to find it. I'll sew it back on for you." That was a rather odd statement coming from her of all people. She was not Kakuzu. She had no threads in her body. That Akatsuki member, along with Hidan, was one of the last people she would want to think about at that moment. "Come on everybody! We need your help! Sai lost Mr. Winky!" Numerous ninjas began searching the premise for the missing member.
"Wait… is that it…." One girl had exceptionally sharp eyes. Susubori had changed the appearance of the meat in a hoagie that Choji was about to sink his teeth into.
"CHOJI… NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O…." Ino nearly passed out when her rotund friend chomped down on the sausage sandwich. "Give… me… that…." She flicked the meat out of the bun and caught the spinning form in her hand.
"Ino?" It was Choji's turn to be confused. "Do you want to play 'Hide the Sausage' with me?" He was referring to a game that he used to play with neighbors when he was a child, not a euphemism for something much more intimate.
"Pervert!" Ino lashed out with her free hand. The resultant slap sounded like an explosion. A red hand mark stood out on Choji's swollen face. She ran over to Sai, cradling her pilfered pork product. After taking a small sewing kit out of her purse, she yanked Sai's pants and briefs down.
"Who's the pervert," Shino asked, walking over. All illusions vanished at that moment, leaving Ino holding a sausage in her hand. Sai, naked below the waste, obviously wasn't missing any part of his normal male anatomy.
"You think you know someone…." Shikamaru, no longer filled by false jealousy, shook his head. Standing next to him, eyes wide, Lee looked like a statue.
"But…." Ino wanted to crawl into one of the cracks in the floor.
"You outdid yourself on that one, Susubori!" Jiraiya was laughing so hard, that he found it hard to breathe. "Give these guys a bit of a rest. I want to check in on the boy again." By 'the boy,' he meant Naruto. "I want to see where you go with this one. Surprise me!"
Deep below the village, as the three participants dodged busy workers and leapt over large containers, the exciting little vignette was still playing itself out. Working hand seals, Sakura again did the impossible, summoning large wasps and giant poisonous centipedes. Engineers, quartermasters, and clerks ran screaming in terror.
"I'll die before I let them hurt you, Hinata-chan!" Naruto sped along, carrying Hinata piggy back. She had turned an ankle while escaping one of Sakura's earlier traps. He thought about summoning one of the larger frogs, but didn't have time. The monsters were closing in fast.
"Naruto-kun…." Hinata held on tight. If she had to die, she wanted to die like this, with him. "Over there…. more bandages…." They had gotten lost in the maze of corridors and were back in one of the earlier storage rooms.
"Got it!" Naruto grabbed a roll, but found that these were different. The lengths were much shorter, and the material stronger and more coarse. "Think!" That last exclamation was for himself. He needed to find another way out.
"I can spin it fast… with Kaiten…." Hinata said. It might just work, if the injury didn't keep her from holding up to the stress of the Divine Spin she had begun learning.
"Great idea, Hinata!" Naruto put her down and stepped in front of her. "I can too." He had never tried this before. If it didn't work the first time, there might be no second time. It was time for a new wind based technique, one that spun chakra in large strong circles instead of tight spirals. "I hope."
"I… I have faith in you… Naruto-kun…." Hinata crossed clasped her hands to her chest. Giant stinging insects buzzed close to their heads. The Hundred-Leggers were fighting with one another to be the first to attack.
"Here we go!" Concentrating, Naruto made his attempt. It was a success. The medium length of bandages in his hand, short only in comparison to the much longer roll he had used earlier, started spinning like a propeller. Soon, it was a blur. Buzzing louder than the creatures it was being used against, the linen blade made a noise like a cross-cut saw. Arthropod chunks flew this way and that as he walked forward, with Hinata crouched behind him. Insect parts began coating wall, floor, and ceiling. "Believe it!"
There was no time for congratulations. There wasn't even any opportunity for the orange and black-clad ninja to catch his breath. "Don't think I'm finished," Sakura shouted. She would not be denied. If more exotic attacks didn't work, maybe she should try something simpler.
"I wonder if they have any popcorn here," Jiraiya muttered. Things were getting really exciting.