General Disclaimers. I own nothing.
Thank you guys for the reviews. I really appreciate it. Special thanks to Kaewi and Celtic-Spaniard. You guys have given me awesome encouragement.
This is not OOC, it's a part of the story, so just read into it and assume it fits. Hope you guys like the chapter.
Glancing over at his brother from the corner of his eye, Sam sighed in frustration. It only took a few short minutes to get back to the hotel, but Dean kept staring at him at the red lights. He needed to get out of this car, away from his brother, so that he could think. Thoughts raced through his head, telling him that he should kill himself, that his life wasn't going anywhere anyway. An overwhelming aching settled into his heart and he allowed himself to wallow in it. His life was so messed up, had been so messed up for a while. It would be easier to just...not be here anymore.
His whole life, he'd been a heavy burden for his family. If he had never been born, they would still be a family. They would all still be happy, Mom, Dad, and Dean. He was never supposed to be here in the first place. The demon should have just taken him. His father had always blamed him, been distant because he knew. Maybe that was why they were never allowed to help him with the demon; their father knew that if the demon had killed their mom over his crib, then it must have been after him. The fact that the man had left him was proof enough of that. He couldn't even stand to be in the same room for very long. Sure, the man made his appearance when Sam was sick, but that was to ease his older son's stress. Even then he'd wanted out. There would be no great loss for him when he went to his younger son's funeral, sitting next to Dean with a stoic look on his face.
Dean would be upset for a while, but after a while, he'd realize that it had been for the best. He could stop trying to be Superman all the time, just let his guard down. There wouldn't be an obligation to help his poor baby brother anymore. He'd realize the curse that Sam had been, would find the demon that killed their mother, had killed Jessica, and would realize that Sam had been to blame. This time, he could be the noble one, the one to make the sacrifice. Dean wouldn't be in danger if he weren't around. This demon wouldn't continue to see him as just another obstacle in the struggle to get to Samuel Winchester. He'd be freed.
Looking over at his brother, his decision was cemented. He knew that he had caused so many problems when he was sick, the months that Dean had been forced to sit with him and worry over him. They said "remission," but what if he got sick again? Sam could not be that much of a burden on his brother again. He needed to get out before he became a problem again. Right now, he couldn't keep up with Dean. Sure, this case wasn't being held back by him, but what about the next one? He was just slowing his big brother down and it would eventually get him killed. Dean wouldn't be in danger if he weren't around.
Sam stared out the window, watching the blur of things they were passing by in the car through the rain that pelted down on the window. It had started to rain somewhere along the way. This fit the melancholy of his mood, and he let it wash him away. If Jessica and his mom couldn't be here anymore than he would come to them. It would be so much better anyway. He could be with them, and he could rest. Between the nightmares and the ordeal that he had just been forced to go through, he was wiped. He could just lay down and sleep and let things end. This nagging feeling that he was the hunted most of the time would end, and he could be at peace. Just mostly, he could find the peace that he had been searching for his whole life. He could be the master of his own fate instead of waiting for some demon to take his destiny for him. This needed to be done.
They pulled up in front of the hotel and Sam looked blankly in front of him. It all seemed so bleak, so heavy and there was only one way to make things better. He was struck with another image of being on a floor and looking up at Dean, who was yelling into a phone. In the back of his mind, Sam knew that this was wrong, that all of these thoughts were irrational, but something was driving him that seemed out of his control. He laid his head back on the headrest, and closed his eyes, willing the tears to reside. There was a pain in his chest that would not die and he felt a tightening in his throat. He couldn't breathe, and he felt a hand on his shoulder. Opening his eyes, and trying to shake off the fatigue that had taken over his mind, he looked directly into the worried eyes of Dean. This would hurt him, but it needed to be done with. Taking a deep breath, he moved Dean's hand off his shoulder. "I'm fine."
Dean had spent the whole ride back to the motel, watching his baby brother being torn apart by something he could not see. Sammy seemed to hunch in on himself and he was looking out the window with a dazed expression on his face. Damn. They needed to do more research, find out more about this before they decided to come up against it. He was too damn quiet, and Dean could almost feel the angst coming off of him. When they stopped the car, Sam had stopped functioning, point blank stopped moving, stopped breathing and rested his head. Tears threatened his eyes, because he knew that no matter what, there was no way to protect Sammy from himself. He reached out, touching Sam's shoulder to offer his comfort. "I'm fine." The words, spoken in such a flat voice, almost made Dean laugh. If he were to look up "fine" in the dictionary, he would not find his brother. The kid was exhausted, stressed out, in pain, and now that he thought about it, way overdue to take his medication. "Sam- " he started, but was cut off.
"I'm going inside. I need a shower, Dean." Sam said, that same flat quality to his voice as he opened the car door and swung out. Dean was left in stricken silence. He opened his door and walked around the back to grab his bag and the laptop, thinking that Sam would do the same. When Sam continued to go inside, Dean felt a chill move over him. The rain poured down on him, and he knew something was off. He grabbed a bag with some clothes, his weapons bag, the laptop and, as an afterthought, the quilt that he could hopefully put on Sam to give him comfort. What the hell was going on?
Hope you guys enjoyed this chapter. Once again, I will try to get another chapter up within a week. Please feel free to review in any way that you would like.