Disclaimer: They are not mine but as always, I am enjoying doing with them as I please.
A/N: Okay, thanks for bearing with me. This is a tough chapter, I'll be interested to see what you think, I believe there are things they had to work out…opinions, comments and observations are always welcome.
Later, he said they would talk later. How could she explain the emotional roller coaster she had ridden while he was gone? How could she allow him to see the part of her that turned from the idea of having a family, of being a part of a family? How could he want to stay in a long term relationship with a woman who would never want to have his children? She wished she could show him how she felt, somehow take his hand and move it beyond her flesh, into her center so she could place his palm against the dark cold skin of the fear living inside her. She just didn't have the words for this, feelings are not concrete, the terms are vague and left mostly to the perception and interpretation of the receiver. She liked things to be logical, solid, universally understood.
She ran the water, filling the sink to do the dishes, once again finding the task soothing. She could hear Seeley and Parker in the living room, playing some make believe game of construction and demolition, their drama accented by fits of laughter and one of them yelling boom. The sound of them behind her made her smile and at the same time sent a chill through her as her memory echoed back the sounds of Russ and her father. She sank her hands into the hot soapy water, letting the heat spread into her. It felt good; it seemed to her as though her hands had been cold all day. She concentrated on her task, moving quickly through the few dishes and pans.
She heard them come into the kitchen before she turned around. They were a mess from roughing around, matching heads of unruly hair wearing big smiles and sun kissed cheeks.
"Parker and I are on our way to shower and get into pajamas."
"To get the fish stink off us," Parker interrupted with a grin.
"Yes, to get the fish stink off of us and he was telling me about monster jail." Booth had his eyebrow raised in inquisition and Temperance realized she had forgotten to catch him up on that conversation. She was still laughing softly about the fish stink.
"Well then you go work on the fish stink and when you come out you can pick out one of your new books to read."
"Parker, go get your pajamas and brush your teeth and I'll be right there." The child rushed off without hesitation, still filled with what Temperance thought was an amazing amount of energy. She was tired just watching him.
"I forgot to tell you, his dream last night was about a blue monster chasing him. I told him that he needed to go back to sleep because you were on your way to rescue him, to put the monster in jail and he had just woken up too soon. He seemed to like the idea of the jail and he was willing to go back to sleep." She paused for a moment, watching his face, there was an odd expression on it that she didn't understand. "That is what you do, put the monsters in jail. Did I do something wrong?"
He came and put his arms around her, "no, not at all, you did a great job. I couldn't have done better myself."
"Then why do you look so, sad?" He was confusing her.
"I'm fine, you're really good with him and he responds well to you. He talked about you half of the morning, the other half he asked me questions." His tone was one of exhaustion and she let out a small laugh. A sound he realized he hadn't heard much since he'd been home.
"He does ask a lot of questions but that's because he has his father's curiosity. You better go wash off your fish stink before he comes looking for you." She smiled and gave him a small kiss, then moved from his grasp and put some water on for tea.
Temperance went and put on sweat pants and a t-shirt and came back into the kitchen to pour her tea. The picture Parker had drawn for her was on the refrigerator, even as she passed it, aware but not looking at it, her shoulders tightened. She felt as though that one piece of paper consumed the room, a stamp, mailing her well manicured life off to familyland. She made her tea and sat down, relishing in the few moments to rest her weary body.
It wasn't long before Parker came running to her with a book in his hand. He climbed without hesitation onto her lap and she had to remind herself to relax. He was leaning against her, his hair damp from his shower, his body warm against her, smelling of soap and powder, she put her arms around him to hold the book and adjust him so they were both comfortable. Her hand grazed his foot, it was freezing.
"Parker your feet are freezing, let's cover you up." She pulled the blanket off the back of the sofa and tucked it over and around them and began to read.
Seeley finished picking up the bathroom and came into the kitchen, he stopped when he could see them. Parker was sitting on her lap lying comfortably against her, he had turned slightly, his head against her breast, tucked under the blanket. She was reading softly to him, pausing to answer his questions and talk about the pictures on each page. As she went to turn the page she gently stroked his hair and Seeley could see he wouldn't be awake for long. He wondered at how she could be this woman with his son and yet not want to be this woman. She said something and Parker laughed, his heart tightened watching the two of them, wanting to freeze time and hold this moment forever. He softly stepped from the room and came back with the camera, he shot off two before they looked up, in the third they were smiling at him. Even as he took it he knew it would be a photo that would stay in his wallet until the day he died because of how he felt the moment he took it.
He joined them on the sofa, listening as she read, Parker wasn't asking questions anymore, he was just listening and slowly drifting to sleep. When she felt his weight give fully against her she knew he was out but she read a few more pages before moving. She set the book aside, pulled the blanket against him so the cool air wouldn't disturb him and stood carefully. Seeley also stood, he went ahead of her and pulled back the covers so she could lay him down. After tucking him in she gently kissed his forehead, none of what was going on with her was his fault. She stepped away and watched as Seeley kissed him good night, whispering something in his ear before leaving the room. She checked the night lights as she walked into the hall and he realized those were also new to the house.
They went back to the living room, Temperance's heart was pounding, she couldn't think of a diversion, a place to go or a task that demanded her attention. She thought with longing about how effective burying herself in work had been, the urgency of a case a convenient deflective shield. She felt uncomfortable in her own skin, unable to launch her flight response and unable to stay with any real level of comfort. He sat turned toward her on the sofa, just looking, not saying anything. She took a sip of cold tea and he suppressed a laugh at the face she made in response.
She finally looked at him, "what?"
"Nothing."
"You're just staring at me."
"I'm just sitting here Temperance."
Her name was a stroke, that wasn't playing fair. "Do you want to watch television?"
"Television? You want to watch television?" He exaggerated an expression of shock.
A small smile pulled at her lips.
"I don't know what to say, I'm just not good at this, I'm not good at talking about my feelings, especially things that feel so private. I know how that must sound to you."
"Hey, I've already seen your privates." He paused and she burst out laughing, he couldn't help himself, he was laughing too. It just seemed so strange to him that a woman with whom he had shared so many difficult and intimate things would have something she felt was too private. He wanted her to be able to talk to him about anything; he wanted that trust between them. He was trying to pull himself together but they were both having a hard time. "I don't want you to think I'm not taking you seriously, it's just that you feel so close to me, I just want you to be able to talk to me. I hope you have enough trust to know I'll listen. There is a little more to me than the over protective alpha male man that you first met."
"How is it that you always make it seem so easy?"
"Because sometimes it is, just start with this morning and tell me what happened, then we'll figure it out together from there."
The laughing had relaxed her, she took a deep breath and began to tell him about waking up and finding Parker, explaining how something had happened to her when she took him from the floor but she had not known what. She understood how he felt alone and afraid so she decided to go get nightlights and a few things for his room. It all appeared like such a simple gesture, to go shopping and get Parker some things, after all, he would be coming over again and she wanted him to feel comfortable.
She called Angela and borrowed her car, Seeley nodded in understanding, he'd been wondering how she had gotten around for the day. After Angela left she put the room together and it was at that point she asked herself why she was doing it.
Seeley was listening to her, watching her try to maintain a sense of objectivity as she recalled the events. It all seemed so normal it was hard to figure out what had gone wrong. She pulled herself inward and stiffened her shoulders and he knew she was struggling.
"I thought at first I was doing it for you but I knew that wasn't the real reason and then it was like a floodgate was pulled on my memory. I could see all these places that I had lived, all the beds that weren't mine, all the strangely decorated rooms. I thought about my house, before my parents disappeared, the sounds and smells that made it feel familiar and safe, filled with the people I loved." There were tears running down her face, but she didn't move to wipe them away. Her eyes were focused on the table in front of her, fixed in concentration, trapped within her past.
"You take it all for granted, the millions of things that make up your home, layers of events. I try to remember the way our house smelled, my mother's pancakes, my fathers shoe polish, dinner from the night before, candles burning, Russ' leather jacket, perfume, cologne, laundry detergent, the way my sheets smelled when I got into bed at night. All of it, my family, our lives, the things we did every day, made the place I lived my home. I have always missed my parents and Russ but standing outside the room, after I fixed it for Parker, I realized that I was trying to make it feel like home to him, like home. Since I was fifteen, I haven't woken up in any room and felt like I was home." Her breath was starting to hitch softly as she spoke and he fought the urge to take her into his arms. He knew, in his gut and in his heart that she had to fight her way out of her past if they were going to be able to have a future.
"I used to try to recreate it, in my foster homes. I would put pictures of my parents on the nightstand and some things from our house, but it never worked and I would always wake up feeling worse, more aware of what I had lost. When I picked Parker up off the floor, that's what I saw in him, the look of panic, glancing around and finding nothing familiar, knowing you're not at home. I didn't want him to feel that way, I've felt that and it's terrifying." She paused, her slender fingers moving to her throat, "I need to get something to drink." She went to get up and he put his hand on her arm, standing suddenly himself. He turned abruptly and moved into the kitchen.
"What would you like? Milk, water, tea, juice?" He heard her request for tea as he reached the counter. He wiped the tears from his face that he didn't want her to see. Her words moved through him, splintering into some place within him, too deep for him to ever reach to remove them. The image burned behind his eyes, of her holding Parker on the floor of the room with this fear in common, offering him empathy instead of just sympathy as she rocked him. He didn't expect it to be this hard, he thought he could listen to her; hold her, sooth it all away. He was so naive. He wiped his face and went to retrieve her cup, bending to kiss the top of her head as he took it from next to her.
The water was hot, he reached to pour it into her cup, opting for juice for himself. While her tea was steeping he slipped down the hall and looked in on Parker, a sigh of relief heaving from him at the sight of his son sleeping peacefully under the dinosaur quilt. He came back, adding honey to her tea, wiping his face one last time and returning to her. She sat where he had left her, as though on pause, remaining in the moment.
"In these last few weeks, since we have been staying together it's been happening and I didn't see it, but I felt it. There is the scent of dinner in the kitchen, of sex in the bedroom, your cologne, dish soap, and now with Parker here, all the sounds that come with a child and his picture on the refrigerator, his baby shampoo in the bathroom, the sound of the two of you laughing and playing. All the pieces were being layered until I found myself part of the one thing I swore I would never be apart of again, a family, making a home. I said I didn't want children because I knew what that meant and how one day you can wake up and it's all just gone. I couldn't survive that again. I didn't want this, I swore to myself, no children, no family." She was crying again, lost in the conversation, rambling from her head and heart. She suddenly turned her gaze to him and the emotion there felt like a weight settling on him. "Do you understand? I didn't want children because I didn't want to love anyone that much. What kind of mother will I make going into it not wanting to love my child?"
She fell into a deafening quiet, having run out of words and given him the darkest of her fears, released the beast into the room between them. She had nothing left. Time stood still.
He wanted to say something but he knew to ask her anything would be pointless, to tell her he knew how she felt would be a lie. His brain dismissed everything that came to his lips. He thought about the men he served with and how between them confessions were made and nothing needed to be said, the understanding was enough, but he wanted to give her more than that. So he said the only thing he knew to be true.
"I still love you. If you thought that telling me would make me want to leave, you were wrong." He stared at her, letting her search his gaze for some flicker of doubt, weighing the truth of his words.
He did notice two things about what she said, she said 'I didn't want children' as though it was a feeling in the past, and 'what kind of mother will I make' as though it was already a plan in the future. He didn't want to point these things out to her, knowing she would scoff at the psychology of it. In interviews he had learned, if the person was using a past tense about the victim before being told they were dead, you usually had your killer. The brain is an amazing thing.
"Temperance, I do have one question for you." He watched her body tighten for what ever was coming. She nodded at him. "All these fears in your life stem from you protecting yourself by not opening up and loving anyone completely, so my question is, what are you going to do now that you already have?" She jumped slightly as though startled.
"What do you mean?"
"Well, does this mean you want out, out of this relationship?" He held his breath, waiting and hoping that she hadn't given up on them before they had a chance to begin.
She shook her head no, unable to verbalize the intensity of her answer.
"Does it mean you don't want to be around Parker any more?"
Again she shook her head no.
"Are you pregnant?"
Her head snapped up and a truly horrified expression crossed her face, "no, definitely not."
"Then what does this mean to us? It's too late to defend yourself from something that has already happened. You're like a cop pulling your gun at the scene when the perp is already down." This brought a small smile from her. "Here we are, we just keep moving forward, even if it's slowly. I'm not here to pressure you."
"Seeley, I know you want children. I know you want the whole picture of a wife and kids and a white picket fence. I can't expect you to walk away from everything you want out of life."
"You haven't asked me to and I'm not walking away from anything I want, as long as I have you. You don't have the ability to predict the future Temperance, even if you listed a hundred scenarios, what actually happens may not be on the list. So, let's just deal with what we have now. Do you want to spend some time at my place, divide this feeling of nesting? Do you want to move to a neutral place together? Do you want to continue on the way we are? Now that we've started to create this feeling of a home, what do you want to do?"
"Does it matter to you, where we end up?" She seemed genuinely interested in his response.
"No, I have a different definition of home than you do; it was created by different experiences. When I climb in bed at night and you curl against me, slide your arm across me, then I'm home, nothing else matters."
Her chest ached and her pulse quickened in response to his answer. She thought about how she had felt, most of the time it had been comforting, only when the anxiety kicked in did she want to run. She was tired of thinking about all of this, tired of fighting it all. How could she argue with a man who thought being home was being in her arms?
"Can we just stay the way we are? See what happens? But Seeley, about the children, please don't stay with me thinking that I'll change my mind."
"I don't know what you'll do and I'm not going to try to guess but if you do change your mind, you will tell me, right?" She looked at him and he could see her forming an argument. "Humor me Temperance, just this once."
"Yes, I'll tell you if I ever change my mind." She was shaking her head in that way, in disbelief that she had conceded to him.
"You know what, we've been trapped here all this time, we have to go back to work next week, so let's take off for a few days, relax. We can pick a place and after we drop off Parker, we can just go."
"Who gets to pick the place?" There was a small smile tugging at her lips.
"I'll play you a game of chess, winner picks our destination." His smile was back and she noted how much better she felt just seeing it.
"Okay, set it up." She took a sip of tea to hide her smile and started thinking about where she wanted to go.
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Next chapter they get some play time and things lighten up a little, let me know what you think, don't forget to press the little button so I can hear you.