Beloved reviewers and silent readers, I can proudly announce that this story isn't dead yet and is continued still. I'm sorry that it took so long. However, I moved to another city, I had final exams and other things keeping me very busy. Anyway, Petalwing is back from the dead. Thanks for your support everyone!

Special thanks to Dally who still proof-reads this, even though she hasn't much time herself. Thank you.

Enjoy!

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Part 45 - Listen! Do You Want to Know A Secret?

To Nima's big surprise, Raistlin wasn't amused in the least when she told him about her adventures. Each word of her report about the events in Solace strained his mood a little more. Without any explanation, the mage grew angry, and fury broke through his normally composed manner. He even went as far as hissing in disbelief when she told him of the foodfight. But that was nothing to his reaction when she told of her appointment with Lady Miranda.

"No! You won't go!" He looked at her so intensely that she was sure her body temperature had just risen a bit by the heat he radiated. This show of hardly repressed anger would have brought stronger beings than she down on their knees, begging for pardon. She countered his stare with her simplest but most effective weapon, blue kender eyes blinking innocently and smiling lips asking "Why not?"

Raistlin had no intention of discussing that topic further or explaining anything to his curious companion.

"Because I forbid it." he hissed.

"You... what?" Nima put her hand on her hips, thus taking a confrontation stance. "You can't."

"I can."

"You can't."

When Raistlin realized that she had just lead him into a very infantile, inapropriate dialogue pattern, it was already too late. All of a sudden he had to defend himself. Unfortunately, he couldn't risk forcing her to obey by magic, not with all of those unclear side effects and mental links. And since she was a kender, all efforts of intimidation were probably lost on her.

"I... don't like her." he began, changing to logical argumentation. "As long as you are faking my identity, I would rather have you not ruining my reputation or acting ineptly."

Nima pouted.

"I never ruined your reputation, don't you see? I befriended an inkeeper. And a nice lady in another inn. And I even made you a hero and savior of people. And Dalamar too, we both saved a village from fire. And in Solace, everybody likes me. Well, except for Lady Tika, I don't know why. And all the children like me too." She grinned happily. "They said I'm the most likeable wizard they ever met. And you know, Caramon is also very happy to see me. Did you know how much he missed you? He was so happy I was there and that I think he is very proud of me... you, I mean."

Raistlin felt that he had to sit down. His chair appeared and he sunk in it.

"Kender you may not know it but you're playing with my life." he muttered. "Whatever you think you're doing, stop it."
"But why? When you are back you will have more friends then before. You see, when Dalamar told me you had no friends, I decided to change that."

"NO!"

Raistlin was shocked by his own outburst. His self-control was unacceptably low these days. To tell the truth, in her presence it evaporated into nothing. He tried to convince himself that it was only Nima's annoying chatter and the sheer helplessness he felt. Still, he had a vague feeling that something else was draining his mind, gnawing on his mental stability like a hungry dog on a piece of dry meat.

"Why? What did I do wrong? Why do you look so depressed?" She approached him. The concern in her voice was alarming. Did he really look depressed? No, he was far away from depression, he was submitting to resignation. Suddenly, he felt incredibly tired. And he didn't have the strength to argue with her.

"Nima, it's just that I... I worked hard for my evil reputation. It took me years of constant efforts. Don't... ruin it by being nice." he said. "Especially not by being nice to Caramon, or Miranda or Dalamar."

The use of her first name stunned Nima. He had never used her name before. He always called her just 'kender'. That could only mean Raistlin must be seriously ill or something like that. It also caused her stomach to tingle a bit. Her name sounded nice from his lips. For a moment she wished that he would say it again, but he didn't.

"I don't understand." she answered. "I really don't. Why should somebody want an evil reputation? This is weird."

A chuckle escaped Raistlin. Always when he thought, the situation couldn't become bizarre, it just did. A kender, this kender, was calling him weird.

"Because I am evil, Nima. You may not have noticed that yet. But really am. And I'm not a social person. I moved into the most horrid and forlorn place I could find. I did this partly because I wanted to be left alone."

Without asking, Nima climbed on the armrest of his chair and sat down there. She was so close that they nearly touched.

"Why in Thakisis' name did you become evil?" she asked with so much innocence and disbelief that it made him chuckle a second time.

"Because it seemed the right decision."

Nima closed her eyes. Somehow there was a hint of sadness in her soft, delicate features.

"You wanted power." she stated. He was surprised at her insight.

"Yes. How did you know?"

"Oh, I didn't know. Dalamar told me so. He said your first goal was magic and power. And powerful magic. Well, he didn't say it in those exact words, but what he said was along those lines." She opened her eyes again, but she didn't look at him. She stared into the whirling colours instead. "And by the way, he likes you. He IS a friend."

So that was what the elf had told her? Maybe it was time the naive little girl learned a bit about the real world.

"He is not a friend, he is a spy. He was sent to me by my enemies and though he knew about the risk he came to me for the knowledge I could impart to him. He may admire me, but he would betray me at the first opportunity, nevertheless."
"Oh no, that's paranoid! I can't believe that! He is a friend! He is so nice. And caring!"

"He is a good actor, that's all. I guess he only helps you because he wants ME back. As I said; he wants my knowledge and my skills, that's why he wishes for his 'dear master' to regain his memory again. I know that because that was what I would do if I were in his position."

"That's horrible." she said quietly.

"Do you finally realize that I have no friends? Nobody likes me and there is no reason for them to do so."

This last utterance invoked her defiance.

"But Miranda likes you, too."

He allowed himself a dry snicker.

"Miranda, you say? Miranda is a little flirt. She loves it to focus the attention of all males on herself. She tried to seduce me and when she was not immediately successful she enjoyed herself with my brother. And you are nothing more to her then a new thrill."

"But she was so nice!" Nima cried a little desperate.

Raistlin smiled.

"Of course she was. Everybody can be nice if he wants to."

Nima blinked an then looked at him roguishly.

"Even you?"

He raised his eyebrows. With her puzzlement, his superiority returned. A sinister smile crossed his face for moment. "Don't go there, kender."

They stared at each other for a while. Finally, Nima remembered their original topic. She had decided to prove to Raistlin that he was not as alone and evil as he claimed. That was when she could convince him that somebody liked him, despite of himself. At least that seemed like a good strategy. A strategy that she didn't understand fully herself. But not understanding a strategy didn't mean to let go of it.

"But... but... Caramon likes you." she added eventually.

He laughed. Humor was completely absent in the sound. The kender was still trying to idealize things. Maybe another bit of truth was in order.

"Caramon is a naive soul." His voice was cold, emotionless. "You both have that in common. Besides, Caramon doesn't like me. He likes the picture of me that he made up long ago. He wants me to be a little brother to pet and to care for but I never played along with his fantasy. Caramon lives for the past not for the future and that is his problem not mine. If he would just, for a minute, open his eyes, he would realize that the Raistlin he loves doesn't exist anymore. Maybe he never has. And speaking of that... you aren't doing my brother a favour if you're being nice to him. When we reverse the spell and I become myself again, what do you think will happen?"

Nima was silent for a while, and suddenly her eyes grew large. She turned to Raistlin with a horrified look.

"Oh no! It will... It will make him terribly sad. You mustn't. You must be nice to him."

"No." He said softly. "I am not nice."

"But you must. It would make him incredibly, horribly sad." Nima didn't know where this realization came from, nevertheless she was convinced that she was right.

"I once killed an illusion of him." Raistlin told her mercilessly, as if revealing all these cruel things could somehow stop her. Did he try to convice her that he was evil just as she tried the contrary? She had the feeling that somehow the discussion had turned into another test, another strange battle, another challenge. Nima was confused. Why were they fighting? And what for?

"At that time I thought it was him and he stood between me and the magic. And you know what?" Raistlin made a pause, Nima kept her breath. Then he came a bit closer to her and whispered in her ear. The tingle of his breath in her cheek made her shiver.

"He knows. He know what I did. At least he should know. However, he decided to 'invent' me instead. And he loves his imagination because he could never accept the truth, it would break him indeed."

Only when he had finished, Raistlin noticed how much he was giving away. He was sharing with her some very private thoughts. Strangely, that seemed right.

Her innocence. Her innocence was the crucial point. Earlier during this argument, when she had faced him, he had felt drawn to her gaze again. Somewhere, hidden away from his concious thoughts was the irrational fear that he would loose control if he looked into her eyes for too long. And then do... what? He didn't know, he didn't want to try it out. And maybe, if he could frighten her enough, these eyes would stop working their magic on him.

Nima fought her own inner turmoil. She wass torn between two different feelings. On the one hand, she felt this alien sensation of his closeness that made her stomache tickle again and her head spin, on the other hand she shivered at the venom in his words. Everything was so confusing. He wove a powerful spell on her, just by being close. Some kind of strange dark magic that stole her ability to think and speak. Still, she wouldn't give up. And suddenly, words came to her that were not her own. No, that wasn't true. They were her own, but they flowed with an a clarity of mind she had never known before.

"Did you ever tell him you were sorry?" she simply said.

If Raistlin was surprised at this question, he didn't show it.

"No. And besides I'd very likely do it again. He knows what I'm capable of. So why should I tell a lie?"

"Because it would bring peace to his heart? He loves you."

"As I said, that's his prerogative, his choice and his demise. He doesn't mean anything to me, why should I want to raise his spirit?"

He anticipated her answer. Of course she would insist that they were siblings and she would argue about loyalty and honor. He had heard that old song often enough.

Nima was quiet for several moments. She sat on the armrest, eyes closed in concentration - obviously she was desperately trying to think up an answer. At least, Raistlin had to admit that, she took this argument seriously. Something he had never seen a kender do before. Just when he expected her to give up, she suddenly opened her eyes and those blue infinite pools were dangerously close. His face felt hot.

"Because it is in your power to do so." Nima whispered in the same manner as he had done some minutes ago.

"You say you always wanted power. That's another kind of power. The power to make people happy. If you want power, why don't you use that? Many people would find that the greatest power on earth."

For an instant he was speechless and she had the advantage again. He came a bit closer. Suddenly he smelled the scent of her hair and her skin. It had a fresh quality; carried with it a remembrance of wind, wood and something very... female...

"Happiness, try it out; it's nice. Oh, and by the way, I like you, too." she purred. Her voice sounded softer than before, mature and... seducing? She sat their with eyes half closed as if under a spell. Could it be that this strange, disturbing attraction was mutual? Her spontaneous confession of sympathy, did it come from the same source? Wherever it came from, if he could manage to get the upper hand in this, he could use that to his advantage.

"If you really like me", he murmured as softly as she had, "then do as I said. If you stop playing god of purity as long as you're in my body, that would make me really happy."

"Oh."

Her cheeks were flushed, she definitely was in a trance. Raistlin smiled in triumph. Suddenly he tensed when he how close she was, much too close. Her face was sweet. He was stunned by his own associations. 'Lovely'...? Suddenly his hands trembled and he clenched his fists just not to touch her. He had slight trouble with breathing. Maybe it was just another fit of his sickness. For the first time in his life, he hoped that it was.

'I have to get out of this. Now.' He thought desperately, while his treacherous body obviously intended otherwise. Had he really believed that he could keep control of this? How stupid. Against his will, Raistlin moved forward a bit; their lips nearly met. He could almost feel the taste of her skin. Without them realising it, this closeness, their argument had lead them into another kind of trap. Disturbing. Beguiling. Absurdity. Rapture. Disgust. Bliss.

"No! Wake up! Raistlin, wake up!"

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To be continued...