Disclaimer: All characters, etc., belong to their owners...yep...just wrote this story here.
A/N: The subject of suicide returns in this chapter. If it really bothers you, than do not read it.
Chapter 11: When Reality Strikes
A few days later, Drake walked through the hospital, making his rounds as normal. Josh was supposed to come by soon to eat lunch with him. Josh was great like that. He'd come see Drake on his lunch break and eat the crappy hospital food with him. Christine would too, but she didn't get very long for lunch. If she came by, it was because the school was closed. But Josh was coming by today because he had the time. Drake was looking forward to this. He needed a brother right now. His other brother had left. Well, Drake had wanted to become a father figure to Rob. If he didn't, no one else would. And that was how Drake felt about Rob, but Rob didn't feel that way about Drake.
Drake was working in the emergency room and had just finished up when someone was brought inside. This was a normal occurrance. People needed to be brought in by ambulance all the time.
Drake glanced at the commotion at the doors. He'd seen this several times before but this time felt different. When the victim was rushed by him, he caught a glimpse of the face. It was Jeff Malone. Drake wanted to turn his face away from the crimson blood that he saw. His stomach wrenched. He felt like the walls were closing in on him. Flashbacks of the day he and Josh had found Ford began to fill his head. He remembered the doctor telling him and his mother that Ford was gone. He remembered running and collapsing in the grass. He remembered how part of him just wanted to die. How that part of him became numb for a long time. He soon felt someone grab his shoulder, yanking him back to reality.
"Drake? Drake?" Drake glanced to the right to find Josh standing there. "Weren't we going to have lunch together today?" Josh questioned.
"Y-yeah," Drake responded. He didn't want to leave the emergency room, but it would seem longer if he waited. Maybe Jeff would be okay. Maybe he'd talk to Drake again. Maybe they could really figure things out this time.
"Drake?" said Josh. He'd barely touched his roast beef sandwich.
"Hmm?" Drake asked. He fumbled with the lid of his coffee, not really paying attention to anything in particular.
"Are you all right?"
"Yeah, I'm fine." Drake didn't want to cross the lines of patient/doctor confidentiality. While he mentioned some things to Christine and Josh in his own home, he never said anything he shouldn't or that would expose the identity of the patients he saw.
"You sure?"
"Yeah. I just have to check on something when I get back to the er, and it's making me anxious."
"You just used the word 'anxious' in a sentence...I guess you're starting to sound more like a doctor."
"Come on, Josh..."
Drake returned to the emergency room after eating lunch with Josh and quickly searched for the doctor taking care of Jeff. He stopped when he saw Jeff's parents. His mother had tears running down her face. She was shaking her head and sobbing while her husband kept a hand on her shoulder, trying to stay in control of his emotions.
A doctor walked past the couple and gave them a sympathetic glance before continuing his trek through the halls.
"Excuse me," said Drake. "The boy that was brought in...has he...is he...?"
"I'm afraid so," the doctor replied. He passed Drake and continued down the hall.
Drake's eyes fell back on the Malones. He couldn't even imagine what they felt. The loss of their own child. Drake knew he and Christine would never be able to bear it if they lost Angela or Rob.
Drake couldn't stand to look at that sight. He quickly turned away and tried to keep himself occupied for the rest of the day. Reality had just arrived, and it stung more than he ever thought it would.
Christine finished slicing carrots in the kitchen and glanced up at the clock. Drake was a bit late. He normally got home at the same time everyday. Had he had to stay longer at the hospital? Should she be worried because he hadn't called her? She stopped worrying when she noticed his car pull into the garage. She walked to the front door where her worry returned after seeing the expression on her husband's face.
"Drake," she said. "Sweetie, what's the matter?"
Drake didn't say anything. He just walked into the living room and sat down on the sofa. Angela looked up at her father. He wasn't happy like he always was when he came home. Sure, he'd often be tired, but he was never depressed. This was a different side of him to her.
"Daddy?" she asked cautiously. Drake glanced over at her and pulled her into his lap. He kissed the top of her head and held her tight. Drake's behavior was strange. Christine remembered the last time he was this silent. That was nearly eleven years ago when Ford died.
"Sweetie," Christine touched his shoulder. Drake sighed and looked up at his wife. There were tears resting in his eyes. "Angela," Christine said. "Why don't you go up to your room to play? I'll tell you when dinner's ready."
Angela might have been young, but she knew that this wasn't the time to argue. She was worried, but after hearing the tone in her mother's voice, she did as she was told.
Christine sat on the sofa next to Drake.
"Sweetie, what's wrong?"
"Maybe I'm not made for this."
"What?"
"This career. Maybe it was just a stupid idea, and I never should have let myself go down this road in the first place. I should have stuck with being a counselor. Better yet, I should have stuck with the band. I would never know any of the kids...it wouldn't be personal. Why'd you let me go down this road, Christine? Why'd you think I could handle it?"
"Drake, where are you coming from?"
"I don't think I can do this anymore."
"Why not? You've done so well..."
"...with the school parts! Ha. That's a surprise in itself. But I just know, I can't do it anymore."
"Drake, what's the matter? Why is this suddenly a problem?"
"Because a boy killed himself today! I couldn't stop him. I talked to him once earlier this year. I thought he might try again, and he did. Only this time, there was no rope to break."
Drake felt the tears starting to slide down his cheeks. Christine was the only person he'd let see him cry, and it wasn't something he did often even then.
"Drake," she said. "You only talked to him once. I'm sure that if he had been going to a psychiatrist regularly, this could have been avoided."
"His parents wouldn't agree to it. I don't know if I've told you too much now."
"You never mentioned a name. I have no idea who he is."
"His parents refused when I suggested it when they came to pick him up. It's frustrating."
Christine curled up next to Drake. All thoughts of finishing dinner went out the window. She took his hands in her's and placed her head on his shoulder. He felt her body around his. He gripped her hands and let his head fall against her's. It was a lot to take. Too much to take. He'd been lucky in his residency. He hadn't seen anyone commit suicide. Now a reality had reared its ugly head.
"Maybe it's not what I'm meant to do," he said.
"Sweetie, you've proven that you should. You helped that girl back in your residency, remember?" He wanted to remember that, he wanted to focus on that. A young girl had come in with suicidal thoughts, and somehow, he'd been able to show her that some things were worth living for. While he didn't see her anymore, he had hoped she'd continued therapy and was now off getting ready to head out into the real world. "Those are the ones you should look at. The ones who don't make it...go ahead and feel grief, but don't feel like you failed. Other things happen. His parents didn't get him more help. I don't want to blame them, but his chances would have been better. You of all people should know that it takes a mix of everything to cause something like this to happen. It's not your fault."
"I just...he's dead. I can't change that."
"No, you can't. Nobody can change that. But you can use his memory as a drive to help other kids in his position. In the last moments, when it really is the end, don't they not want to die?"
"I guess," Drake said. A lot of what he saw showed that people would regret their attempt. That was why some would call for help as they died. In Jeff's case, there was no way he could have called.
"I don't think this boy would want you to take this as a failure. I think he would want you to know that you were right, there are things worth living for. He only got seconds to realize them, but I'm sure he knew that."
"I just..."
"You're meant to do this. Dr. Reynolds wouldn't have offered you the office in her building if she didn't think you were meant to do it. Sweetie, just use his memory to keep going. Please don't stop something you want to do because of this. When we go out with the others in the fellowship, their husbands and wives are always mentioning to me how the conversation at home leads to you and how great you are at what you do."
"It's just scary. What if it happens again?"
"Well, then you still can't blame yourself. There's more than one thing going on in their lives, Drake, you know that. Tell me, do you love what you're doing?"
"I did...I'm not so sure about after today."
"If you still question it sometime from now, then ask why you're doing it, but I think you'll feel better after a little while. If you love it, don't stop. This wasn't your last chance. Something like this was bound to happen sooner or later, I'm sorry to have to say. You're a doctor. They have to face these kinds of things. It's the life they choose."
"I guess I knew that going into this job, but when it happens..."
"...it hurts like hell."
Drake stared into her eyes. He sighed. She'd seen students walk through her door everyday from fall until summer began. Twice, she had seen one walk through the door in the fall but not walk out when summer began. It was the price you paid for taking a job that dealt with kids...with anyone. It was life.
"What about Rob?" he finally asked.
"What do you mean?"
"Would he ever..." So this also made him worried about that.
"Drake, he's never shown any sign of...at least..."
"No, it's just, I don't see him now. What if...what if I had known, and he did, or what if he's not happy, and he does..."
"Drake, stop it."
"It'd be my fault."
"No. Why? Is this what you've been worried about?"
"I guess."
"Drake, you would never be able to keep him from doing something that far away. And just because you let him go doesn't mean that he would do that. I know he's looking for himself, but he's looking for answers. He's not going to end it...he wants the answers. You know how that feels. He'll do anything to get them. And once he has them, hopefully things will return to normal. It has nothing to do with what you've done. And I want you to be happy again because I know you can do this. And I know you didn't just mean being a psychiatrist."
"Thank you," said Drake. "I love you." He kissed her.
"I love you too, and I'm always here for you."
"I'm going to go talk to Angela." Christine's expression looked worried for a moment. "I won't tell her all that happened. I just want to tell her that I didn't have a good day at work."
"I wonder if we should tell her. But I want her to be able to be a kid."
"I know."
"Angela," Drake said, knocking on her open door.
"What is it, Daddy?" she asked. "Do you feel better?"
"A little," Drake replied. He walked into the room and sat down on her bed. "Come here for a minute." She walked over to him, and he pulled her into his lap. "Daddy didn't have a fun day today. Something very scary happened."
"What?" she questioned.
Drake didn't want to tell her. She was only in preschool. She was too little to understand why someone would do that. She was too little to know.
"Someone decided that they weren't happy. I couldn't convince them that they could be. Now it's a little too late for that."
She looked confused.
"I know you don't really understand," Drake said. "But sometimes my job won't always be happy. It happens. I just have to deal with it one step at a time. Can you understand that?"
"I think so," Angela said. Drake kissed her head. She was lucky to have her childhood innocence. Who knew how long that would last. He wished he could protect her from the world, but he knew it was impossible. He couldn't help but hate the fact that one day, he'd be gone, and she'd be without him. But then, that wouldn't be for a very long time, and he hoped that she'd find someone who loved her long before then. He stroked her hair softly for a while. He just wanted to keep her this way, young and innocent. The sad truth was that he couldn't.
"Drake," said Christine softly. She stood in the doorway watching her husband hold their daughter.
"Hmm?" Drake glanced up with tired eyes. The boy's death had taken a toll on him. Christine came and sat beside them on the bed. Drake needed his family now. That was what was important, that they were there and near him. He felt a twinge of pain because Rob wasn't there. He wondered how much Rob saw him as a parent. Drake was not his dad. Ford had been Rob's dad. Drake simply took care of him when Ford died. He was with his mom now. What was Rob's family? Drake just hoped that Rob would always have the support like he had at that moment.