a/n: Thank you to my good friend Ellen, who helped me write this chapter. Thanks a bunch Ellie! Warning, this chapter contains very sensitive topics. Read at own risk.
"Jay…what?" Pippa said, though she already knew what was coming. "Jay?"
His brown eyes were pouring into hers, sending deep shivers up and down her spine. If there was one thing Jay Adams was good at in life, it was convincing her to do things. And Pippa knew only too well what he was going to try and convince her to do next.
"Don't go after Wentz, Pip." She bit her lip as Jay's voice drowned in pleading, his hands grasping hers tightly. "He's not the right type of guy for you…"
"How do you know what the right type of guy for me is, Jay?" Pippa sighed, raising her eyebrows as the slight remorse of letting herself say that hit her. Jay was her best friend, and if anyone knew who would be the type of person for her, it would be him…so why was she being so defensive? "I'm sorry Jay."
Jay took in a sharp breath, as if he was going to say something else, but before he could, a large bang shook the wall she was leaning on, and directed their attention to the house.
"Well, someone popped a speaker." She smiled, trying to lighten the mood. But Jay was soon staring at her again and she frowned, biting her lip.
"You're right…I don't know what type of guys you go for." He said quietly. "I was just hoping that I did." Quickly, he leaned in and pecked her on the lips, pulling away just as fast and walking down the alley.
As she watched his retreating back, Pippa cursed, kicking the wall behind her with her heel. She couldn't handle the subject of guys and love triangles right now…one more thing, and she would end up drowning in a pool of her own confusion.
……
"Thanks for the ride Stace. I'll see you Z-boys tomorrow."
Climbing out of the front seat of Stacy's car, Pippa turned back to wave to Stacy and Sid, who were both grinning at her from his old Ford. Sticking his head out of the back window, a very stoned Sid grinned at her.
"Goodnight, beautiful!" He shouted as Stacy began to drive off, pulling onto the deserted street and disappearing in the dusk. Pippa watched them go as far as Zippo's Gas Station before turning to the rickety stairs that led up to her apartment. Usually when she came home from Tony's parties, Jay was with her when she got home…but tonight was different. When Stacy offered her the ride home, she hadn't been able to find him anywhere she looked.
"Now where did I put my keys?" She sighed as she reached the top level, hitting her arm on the rusted railing when she started to rummage through her purse. "Shit…that hurt." As she walked down the dark balcony, she paused at number 11, glancing at it with a slightly hurt expression. Where are you Jay?
Finally feeling the cold metal of her apartment key, Pippa stopped short in front of number 12, staring at the window as she pulled out her key. The lights weren't on, making the sheer curtains that covered the window glow with a certain dullness. Sliding the key into the lock, she quickly looked at her watch. 2:15 and her mom still wasn't home? A wave of worry and dread washed over her as she turned the key, opening the door and pushing her way into her apartment.
Silence met her when she closed the door, shoving her keys back into her purse after a few seconds, securing her notion about her mother. Where was she? There was hardly ever a car accident or fire in Santa Monica, at least around this area. But there was a lot of shootings…
"Crap…" Pippa said, her voice shaking as she turned on the kitchen light. "Okay…calm down Pippa. You would've known by now if something happened…Philaine would've come to talk to you…"
Her own words were calming her down, but she still needed the reassurance that everything was okay. And Jay was usually the one to do that for her.
"Jay…" She sighed, throwing her purse on the counter. She couldn't be feeling the way she was…especially about her best friend. They were exact opposites, as different as anyone could be, but as close as anyone could get. And yet, in her heart, Pippa knew she would probably have a better chance with Sid than she ever would with Jay.
……
As the boiling water holding the noodles hissed, she wiped off the tears running down her cheeks. Checking to make sure the sauce she was cooking wasn't boiling over, she tried to ignore her growling stomach. The last meal she'd eaten was a plate of pancakes this morning seeing as the painkillers she'd taken had killed her appetite at the same time, so after going through many dishes, Pippa had decided to make spaghetti.
"Mom loves spaghetti." She reminded herself as she checked the noodles. She was at breaking point. And after all these years, Jay's conclusion was coming true…she was going crazy. Not that she couldn't help it…life was too overwhelming sometimes.
The steam hit her face and made it damp as she poured the noodle-filled water into the strainer in the sink. If I have enough left over, I'll bring it over to Philaine and Donnie and Jay…
"Hey sweetheart." Wiping another tear off her cheek quickly, Pippa turned around in excitement as her mother came walking into the apartment, shutting the door behind her and sighing deeply. "Sorry I'm home so late…I had work at the office, then Harley took me out."
"Harley?" The name didn't sound familiar at all and she caught the blush her mother smiled before she answered.
"He's a friend from work. We went out for a bit, that's all." Amy smiled at her and Pippa tried smiling back as the scratches lining her back stung when she leaned against the fridge. "You're making spaghetti?"
"Yeah." Turning around and picking up the strainer, she emptied the noodles into the pot on the stove and turned the sauce's element off. "I thought we could have dinner…you know, have a late night supper and talk. Like we used to."
"Oh baby," Her mother sighed and came up to her, dropping her bag on one of the chairs. "I love you so much." Pippa grinned, turning back to the cupboard to get out plates.
"I don't know if we have any Parmesan cheese, but I can see if we do-"
"Harley took me out on a date, Pip." The blonde's hand tightened on the stove handle and she felt another tear slide down her cheek. She'd known, and she'd known she would be stupid to hope it wasn't true. "For dinner…then back to his place…I'm assuming you don't want to know the rest."
"Good guess." Pippa sniffed and Amy's hand fell on her shoulder.
"I'm sorry hunny. I know I should've left a note or something…but it was really sudden and out of no where."
"Okay." The spaghetti suddenly wasn't very appealing and she decided to give all of it to Philaine, Donnie and Jay…she knew how very rarely their family got a meal that didn't involve frozen fish sticks. Her mother's arms fell around her shoulders and she winced when she hugged her tightly.
"I think I'm going to go to bed now baby. I've got a rather early shift tomorrow…thank you for the thought though." Amy's smile was tired as she kissed her daughter's cheek, ruffling her hair as she did. "Goodnight sweetheart."
Pippa watched her mother staggered off to her bedroom tiredly, trying to bite back tears of frustration as her scratches burned.
……
Knock, knock, knock.
Loud raps interrupted Philaine's sleep, and she moaned in response, covering her head with her pillow. For the first time in nights, she'd been able to fall asleep peacefully…and now an unwelcome guest was interrupting her sleep?
Knock, knock, knock-
"Okay! I'm coming!" She yelled and from beside her, Donnie groaned, grabbing her waist and trying to pull her back into bed.
"Don't go baby…just stay in bed. They'll go away eventually." But as the third round of knocking sounded, Philaine had already pulled the covers off of her body. "Philly…come back…"
She stumbled past Jay's room and for a moment cringed at the powder blue walls that lined her house. They looked terrible in 3 a.m. light, and her groggy eyes made it no better for her to see them. Once I can afford paint…
Her hand reached the doorknob and she twisted it, opening the door and coming face to face with Pippa. Smiling worriedly, the young blonde girl standing in front of her held out a dish.
"Hi Philaine…I'm really sorry to be knocking on your door at this time of night, but-"
"Oh no," Philaine sighed, waving her hand in the air tiredly. "I was up."
"Oh…okay." In all the years she'd known the young girl, she'd come to realize that worrying her was the wrong thing to do in all situations. And even if her hair was ratty, the bags under her eyes were even more exaggerated, and she couldn't see properly, she would pretend to have been up for hours just to give the girl some peace of mind. "I made you spaghetti."
"Pippa! You didn't have to…really." But none the less, the warm, clay dish was pushed into her hands. "Is this just because?"
"Well…I hadn't eaten yet so I made some dinner for me and mom…" Pippa trailed off and Philaine turned slightly, setting the dish on the counter. "Did you know about Harley?"
"All about him." The glimmer of tears in her eyes couldn't be missed and Philaine started to reach out to Pippa. But the girl shook her head, taking a step backward. "You know that you don't have to be strong Pip."
"I know." She smiled shakily, crossing her arms. "Is Jay home?"
The faint slam of a door in the back round would mean nothing to anyone but her…Jay was home…and why was he sneaking in?
"I didn't hear him come in, sweetheart." Philaine sighed. "Do you want me to tell him to go over when he gets home?"
"No. That's alright." Pippa began to turn around, smiling at Philaine as she did. She loved the girl like the daughter she'd never had and knew that Amy's behavior was killing Pippa's thoughts and dreams. "I hope you enjoy the spaghetti."
"We will. Thanks for bringing it over, Dolly." Her blonde hair bounced in the wind as she walked back to her apartment, Philaine watching her go with resentful eyes.
……
"Shit, mom. Next time you want to scare me to death, let me know, okay?"
Jay glared at his mom as he nursed his stubbed toe, the result of her barging into his room. He had taken a different route home from Tony's party, leaving slightly after Pippa had left with Sid and Stacy.
"Sorry baby." Philaine sighed, tugging her silk robe around her more. "How was the party?"
The party completed one of the most horrifying days of my life…what does it look like?
"It was okay." Jay mumbled, stripping off his flannel shirt and wincing as it rubbed against his bleeding elbow. When Pippa had left, he'd been relieved she hadn't seen him accidentally elbow Wentzel. Unfortunately, Wentzel's hand that he'd been carrying his skateboard in had been what his elbow had hit.
"Oh baby…what happened to your arm?"
"Nothing." He growled and Philaine looked taken aback before nodding. "Sorry mom. I'm just…tired, that's all. Had a rough day." She nodded, walking over and sitting on the bed beside him.
"Pippa was just here…I was surprised you didn't come home with her." Her name made his stomach flip and he raised his eyebrows, shrugging. "Something going on between you two?"
"No." Jay answered just a bit too quickly, covering it up with a small grin. "She was tired…so she left earlier."
"Right." Philaine set an arm around him and kissed his forehead, sighing as she did. "You might want to go over there…she seemed really upset."
"Really?" His voice had an attachment of hope to it, but from the way his mom was frowning, Jay knew it wasn't because of him. "I'll head over there after I uh…get cleaned up."
……
She stumbled forward as she let out a sob, clutching onto the letters in her hands, feeling the paper crinkle beneath her touch. Jay, her best friend, hadn't been home when she needed him the most, the letters from the school she went to every second day had started showing up again…and her mother had been lying to her. About Harley…about her work situation…about the rent…and about her father.
Chris Vardon had left a young Pippa and her mother 14 years ago. According to her mother and Philaine, he had sent the previously signed divorce papers and custody papers, entitling her mother to complete custody over Pippa. But the letters she was clutching in her hands proved that wrong…and everything else wrong.
According to all the handwritten letters that were strewn around her on the living room desk, her father had been battling to see Pippa…but her mother had been stubborn and not wanted him to have anything to do with his daughter. One of the most chilling sentences her mother had written was very shaky and the page was splattered with tears…
How dare you even ask me for that after you left us! Do you understand that Chris? You left me and Pippa for a perfect life in paradise…Venice was never good enough for you…you left us behind in your old life…we were the ones that weren't good enough for you.
Wiping the tears from her cheeks, Pippa grimaced in pain as the sadness welled inside of her as she read the last of the chilling letter her father had sent only a few days earlier.
You think you're safe, don't you Amy? I know all about you…where you work, what apartment you live in, the number…everything about you and Pippa. I even know what school she's been going to…you'd better watch out…she could not come home from school one day…gone forever. I can't believe you're still living beside that good for nothing…
She stopped reading when he'd began to curse Philaine…how could he be so cruel? Her mother had always told her about what a sweetheart Chris had been…staying with her when she'd gotten pregnant at 16 years old. When her parents had kicked her out…how he'd let her stay with him, how he'd made sure she got what she needed…
And now, to Pippa…he was the cruelest person in the world.
Goosebumps littered her arms and she cried even harder because of the t-shirt she was wearing. It did her no good to be sitting here…no good whatsoever. She might of just as well drowned today…and she would've…if it hadn't been for him…
Jay…her best friend. Causing her heart to break, even when he wanted to mend it. But he was just tearing it down the middle, apologizing every time he ripped just a little more.
"Screw it." Pippa growled, gathering the letters and placing them in the neat pile they'd come in. She couldn't let her mother know that she'd been reading them…not when she was so happy now. And Pippa was angry…so angry. But she couldn't let her mother down by being the person her father was. "You can keep that secret mom…and that bit of my heart."
Stumbling to the bathroom, Pippa ran a hand through her silky blonde hair, her eyes stinging from the tears that had momentarily stopped falling down her face. Turning the light on in the small, blue tiled bathroom, she grabbed and elastic and bunched her hair up to the top of her head, securing it in a messy excuse for a bun as she did.
Staring at her reflection, she wiped her cheeks free of tears and straightened up, meeting her gray eyes. Her bloodshot gray eyes that reflected more of her than she knew…
"I hate you." She whispered tearfully to her reflection. Noticing her arms, she held them up in front of her and turned them around. The back was a perfect layer of pale skin, her blonde arm hair making gold shots across it. The veins underneath her delicate skin shone blue and purple and she ran her finger down the middle of her arm.
"I won't be perfect any longer." Pippa breathed, turning towards the bathroom cabinet and shakily taking out the pair of hair trimmers her mother had. They were sharp enough…
Poising the cold metal against the back of her skin, she pulled it into and across her wrist, wincing and crying out pain as it made a scar of blood. And even as the blood poured out of her slit, she felt…a rush. A pain that reflected her own pain…something that showed the world that she, Pippa Vardon, was not the perfect angel everyone thought her up to be.
Which is why she made an identical mark underneath it. It was smaller, but with the pain they both conjured up, it washed away her thoughts and filled her with a rush…
"Pippa?" A knock came from the front door and she jumped, dropping the trimming scissors with a clang. "Pip, are you there?" It was Jay…the pain throbbed again and she felt tears leak out from the corners of her eyes. She needed bandages…she couldn't let Jay see…she couldn't let anyone see.
"One second!" She called as calmly and as quietly as she could. With a trembling hand, Pippa found the gauze bandage and the wrap, bandaging her arm as quickly as she could. The pain was incredible…but numbing.
Another rap came from the door and she remembered Jay.
"He can't see me like this." She hissed, throwing the bandages and the scissors into her drawer. In a few minutes she'd found a sweater and had thrown it on, making her way to the door and opening it slowly.
Jay was standing in front of it, his hands shoved into his pockets as he stared at her with his deep brown eyes. He knew something was wrong…Philaine had probably told him that.
"Pippa…" He said, and she looked down at the ground, suddenly feeling guilty about the bleeding scars on her arm. If anyone had a worse life than she did, it was Jay. And he'd never done anything to hurt himself…he's just taken it out on skateboarding and surfing. Just like a normal person would do.
She didn't even realize that she was crying…and she didn't until Jay had wrapped his arms around her, kissing her forehead and just letting her rest her head on his neck.
"Are you okay?"
She let out a sob and shook her head, slinking her arms around his waist and pulling him closer to her.
"A-are you okay?" She stuttered and she heard the hesitation in his voice.
"I'm fine." He sighed and she leaned back to whisper one thing into his ear.
"Don't lie, Jayboy. Don't lie."