Star Trek: The City On the Edge of Forever
Disclaimer: nope, still don't own it. Neither do I own Batman, the YMCA, or O Brother, Where Art Thou.
Warning; some slash, mild language. This is a parody, if you are going to get offended, either leave a horrendously misspelled and outraged flame for me to laugh at, or stop reading it. I took more liberties with this episode then the last one, so bear with me. Also, this is the ONLY TOS episode with an away missionI have seen that no Redshirt dies in. (Redshirt Liberation Front, GO!)
For those who claim this for their favorite episode, be sure to stretch your eyebrows, because they will be going up and down so much in this you might get a cramp... nothing worse than an irritating eyebrow cramp... don't say I didn't warn you...
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The Landing party of 6 beam down. Kirk, Spock, Uhura and Scotty are in front. (One must ask why they brought Uhura and Scotty anyway). The two Redshirts in the back exchange glances that clearly say "Oh shit, we're the only ones!"
And yes, once again Kirk must hunch down in order to get his humongously inflated head on the screen. The Transporter chief has beamed them down in his favorite formation, ready for them to spontaneously burst into song at any moment. –(Y-M-C-A, fun to stay at the...)
An errant breeze blows the one lock of Kirk's hair that isn't gelled down. (He's a Dapper Dan Man). "These runes extend to the horizon."
Spock winces. "Ru-ins, Captain. Ru-ins."
Scotty does worried face #3.4.
"Begin recording," Kirk growls over his shoulder.
Uhura and Scotty exchange glances. "Recording?" Uhura mouths. Scotty rools –pardon me, rolls– his eyes in response.
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Everyone walks off in some random direction. Redshirt # 7 whispers to Redshirt #7010, "Recording what? Air?" But forgets to duck under the boom mike and caves in his head.
"Damn!" #7010 mutters, handing more money to Uhura, who puts it... somewhere..
Spock tells them all that the suggestively shaped ruins are 10,000 centuries old.
"Dude!" Kirk whispers to Spock, "that's even older than Scotty!"
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They walk around the phallic broken columns, to where the interestingly shaped ruin-thingie sits. Kirk mutters something about it 'pulsating with power' and Spock rolls his eyes and makes a mental note to limit the Captain's access to cheesy romance novels.
"Yes Captain, it is operating even now, sending out waves and waves of energy."
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Redshirt # 7010 is the smart one, he walks behind Uhura, with his phaser pointed at her. Uhura reports that there is no sign of McCoy.
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McCoy pops out from behind a rock, doing his best Smeagol imitation. "Yes, my precious, we wants them! Good Kirk and Nasty old Spocksies, yes!"
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Spock lays his hand on the 'pulsating Ruin'. "It is no machine, Captain!"
"Wow," Kirk thinks for a minute. "D'you think we could bring it back with us?"
"A QUESTION!" Booms the Ruin in a metallic male voice.
Spock jumps. "WTF!"
Kirk's jaw drops. "It talks too? Awesome!"
"SINCE BEFORE YOUR SUN BURNED IN SPACE AND BEFORE YOUR RACE WAS BORN, I HAVE AWAITED... A QUESTION..."
Kirk asks the most obvious question first. "What ARE you?"
"I AM A GUARDIAN OF FOREVER."
"What kind of batteries so you take?"
Spock interrupts. "Ahem. Pardon me, but as you can see, the Captain and I are of different races and–"
"I AM MY OWN ENDING AND MY OWN BEGINNING!"
Spock looks miffed.
Kirk grins. "Ooo, kinky!"
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Meanwhile, McCoy is still doing his Smeagol impression. He bobs up and down behind a wall while Scotty and Redshirt #7010 walk right by. Boy, this Red sure gets around.
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"A time portal, Captain," Spock mutters.
"AS CORRECT AS POSSIBLE, FOR YOU. YOUR SCIENCE KNOWLEDGE IS OBVIOUSLY PRIMITIVE."
"Really." Spock frowns at it.
Kirk looks aloofly at him. "Annoyed, Spock?" (Ok, NOTHING is funnier than that part.)
Spock quirks an eyebrow.
"I CAN BE A GATEWAY INTO YOUR OWN PAST, IF YOU WISH."
Spock and Kirk stare, mesmerized, at the images in the Guardian.
"ARABESQUE!" McCoy, having given up on his Smeagol for the time being, Runs toward the Ruin-thingie.
Uhura, impressively enough, is running after him, faster than both Scotty and #7010, while sticking out her breasts and butt. Which is physically impossible, by the way.
They corner McCoy until Spock does his famed Vulcan Neck-pinch. Scotty meanwhile, is doing the famed Scottish Butt-pinch. McCoy jumps and faints. Kirk gets totally distracted by the flashing images.
"Wow... Spock, look! So that's what the Romans did!"
Everyone runs over to look, because when the Captain says something is cool, it's cool, Dammit!
"Guardian, can you change the speed at which yesterday passes?"
"THAT WAS A TOTALLY LAME QUESTION, BUT I'LL ANSWER IT ANYWAY. I WAS MADE TO OFFER THE PAST IN THIS MANNER. I CANNOT CHANGE. YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS TO FIND THE REMOTE."
Kirk stares at the moving pictures. "Strangely compelling, isn't it?"
Spock scowls. "I am an idiot! Centuries of living history have passed when I could have been recording!"
Kirk turns slowly to glower at him. "I thought you were recording!"
Suddenly, McCoy wakes up. "GRANDE PLIE!" He neatly executes the move, bows and (keeping his back lovely and straight), jumps through the portal. Heh heh. Oops.
Uhura tries to hail the Enterprise and fails. She gives the communicator to Kirk to fix. Why Kirk? The man couldn't even get his open in 'Obsession', not to mention the fact that the chief engineer is standing right behind her! Ahem Anyway, Kirk gives up after realizing he doesn't even know what the buttons do.
"Scotty, fix this!"
Scotty does his magic thing. "Nothin' wrong wi' it, Sir."
Spock opens his communicator. Captain, I am getting no signal."
"YOUR SHIP IS GONE." Intones the Guardian.
"McCoy... Changed the past..." Gasps Kirk. He is so shocked that his hair is tousled!
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A/N-- So, whadya think? I thought this episode would be boring to parody, but in just the first ten minutes I had four pages of material, and they hadn't even gone down to the planet yet... Mwa hahaha!
All the writing of 'McCoy' is really starting to annoy me, I keep getting the cC's mixed up.. argh!... also continuing with the ballet moves this chappie, that being M-O-V-E-S, as in something you do, not something you watch... Grande Plie (grahnd plee-ay) is basically a big scootch. very amusing... And I keep hearing it said by my little sister's Russian Ballet teacher, so, Russian accent saying French words... go figure...
And thank you to those of you who reviewed, and who put up with the longer than usual wait for this chap. I just got back from a week of getting up at 6:30 (I am NOT a morning person), riding more than an hour in the car, spending all day at camp, then riding more than an hour back home, where we fed the dogs, cats, chickens, ourselves, and collapsed into bed. urgh. But, now the chappie is up, yay! enjoy!
Allyp
quote for the day: "ARTHUR: I KEEL you at my leisure!" (King Arthur in 15 minutes, by Cleolinda)
extra quote for the day:-- "TRISTAN: Also, I have a hawk!"