Author's note: My treat Chapter. Because I love you all, Fun Spuffy at the end just for Kimbclar Because she's craving Spuffy! I just reposted this because an Eagle eye caught a few rather embarassing typos! thanks, Luvvy!

Chapter XL - Difficulty

She ignored him for the rest of the night (which was easy enough) the entire next day (which was sort of trickier), at the moment she was hanging out with Oz and focusing all her energy into William and giving him a bath and keeping all her thoughts away from Spike.

Right.

Okay, most of her thoughts away from Spike.

Right.

Okay, she was trying desperately to keep her thoughts away from the hot, sexy, tempting and wholly wrong for her master vampire that she had shamelessly kissed the night before.

The hot, sexy, tempting and wholly wrong for her master vampire who said that he loved her.

Spike. Loved. Her.

She had to stop thinking about it. He probably just said that to piss her off. Or to get a rise out of her. Or to just plain bother her. Or shock her. He probably just wanted to see the look in her eye. Or maybe he was just bored and wanted to stir things up a little. They had been spending exceeding amounts of time together. They took trips together, they lived together, they had children together, they patrolled together and-

And-

And she really needed to stop thinking about him.

But it was becoming increasingly difficult to, seeing as how William's eyes were the exact shame shade of intense electric cerulean as his father and he looked just like a miniature Spike and his name was William Wescott.

Oh god, she really couldn't get him out of her head.

"You alright?" Oz asked her.

Buffy looked up at him.

"Peachy keen." she replied. "What makes you ask?"

Oz gently pried what she thought was baby shampoo away from her.

"Usually, we keep the baby powder away from the water or else it's basically a waste." he explained. "Makes with the water stick action."

Buffy sighed.

"Check out Oz, looks like you're the Giles of baby care-age." she said with less humor than usual.

The were wolf shrugged.

"Babysat for my cousin Jordy."

Buffy smiled.

"Well, that explains it." she said.

Oz nodded.

The nine month old baby smiled at them as they wrestled him into a little powder blue baby out fit. Then they put him down for his afternoon nap. As they were walking away from the nursery, Oz turned to Buffy.

"Are you going to tell me why you're avoiding Spike?" he asked.

Buffy blanched.

"Picked up on that?"

Oz nodded solemnly.

"You were making big with the avoidance thing."

Buffy deflated, picking up William's ball and tossing it into a basket.

"Fooey." she grumbled. "And I thought I was being all subtle about it."

Oz shook his head.

"You don't have to tell me," he said. "I'm just kinda wondering what you're going to do during dinner tonight."

Buffy looked at him, alarmed.

"Dinner tonight?" she asked sounding just short of panicky. "What about dinner tonight?"

Oz looked at her strangely.

"Weren't you the one who told me that you guys eat other meals separately but dinner is always a family get together thing?" he asked.

Buffy slapped her hand to her forehead. There was no way in the world Rosemary would EVER allow her to miss that dinner. It was a tradition thing. And she would be sitting to Spike's right for the entirety of the meal.

Oh god, she could just imagine the uncomfortable silences that would bring up.

Sometimes she really hated Rosemary and her rules. Wait a second, Rosemary was the bloody house freaking keeper, she was the duchess of the freaking manor why on earth was she allowing that drill sergeant run her life?

"I don't know, Oz." she said. "I guess I'll just use some of this duchess poise I'm becoming so good at."

Oz shook his head and chuckled.

Buffy squinted at him.

"Did you just chuckle?" she demanded.

Oz nodded.

"Thought of you and poise in the same sentence." he explained. "Scary."

Dinner was every bit as tense and quiet as she had thought it was going to be. They had all arrived and sat and waited in silence. Alex was looking from Buffy to Spike to Oz trying to figure out was going on. There was none of the usual banter between Spike and Buffy, no keen observations from Oz, even William was being unnaturally quiet.

Can we say uncomfortable.

Buffy was morose. Spike loved her. He loved her. Dammit... why couldn't he be like all the other vampires in the universe and just want to kill her? Why did he have to be all gentlemanly and oh God, such a good kisser. Sitting there looking completely impassive as he was not at all affected by ANYTHING that was going on, wasn't he supposed to lover her? Then why the hell was he not getting all nervous that she didn't exactly reciprocate? Didn't normal decency dictate that he should be sketchy and nervous and even a little jumpy? Why on earth did those beautiful blue eyes just focused on the tomato soup he was eating. The bastard didn't even have the decency to squirm underneath her gaze!

Why was he eating? Usually vampires can't taste food as well as humans...

Why was she even thinking about it? Focusing on the insignificant details when she should be-Oh god... focusing on the insignificant details, she remembered the words she had said to Willow back in junior year about Oz's hands.

Definite crush sign.

No way there was no freaking way in the world she had a crush on spike.

Spike was discreetly watching Buffy out of the corner of his eye.

She looked like she was having a major internal problem, her eyes were stormy and she was cutting her steak a little fiercer than was needed. He bit down the urge to tease her about the steak being already dead and that she would not have to slay it.

He had a feeling it would be grossly inappropriate.

Damn him and his big mouth.

If he could keep his little poncy confession to himself even for a few moments until she was so lost in passion she wouldn't even hear him...

He looked up to see Alex looking at him, an obvious question in her eyes. She looked like twice she wanted to say something, but refrained. Spike was grateful that she said nothing.

Only Oz didn't seem uncomfortable, or at least he didn't show it, he was just eating the food and enjoying -well sorta- the company.

The silence was shattered a few times when on or the other asked to be passed the gravy or the chicken, but other than that no comments were exchanged. Finally with lowly spoken excuses they all left the table.

After tucking her young son into bed, Buffy changed into her work out clothing so that she could punch her frustrations out.

Unfortunately Spike had already beaten her there.

Buffy inwardly cursed as she could hear him grunting as he repeatedly pummeled an extra strength punching bag. She figured that it was a big room she could work out in the gymnastics part of the training room and he could do what ever he did.

She was not prepared, however to see what she did.

Spike had apparently beaten her to the training room because he hadn't bothered to change clothing, he was wearing his jeans and his boots only he had whipped of his shirt and had used it as a towel. It lay a few feet away from him, where he had carelessly thrown it.

Through she had always known, intellectually, that Spike was in great shape. Better perhaps than even Angel, she had never seen his toned ivory chest bared as well as it was as he pummeled the punching bag.

God, she wanted nothing more right now than to just run up to and run her hands all over his torso.

"See something you like, Slayer?" Spike asked with out looking up from what he was doing.

Buffy only just managed to shake herself out of her stupor.

"No," she managed to stammer. "I was just-just-"

Spike stopped and rolled his eyes.

"Save it," he said. "You don't need an excuse to train here."

Buffy glared at him.

"Yeah," she said haughtily, lifting her chin. "I don't. I totally don't."

She began to wrap tape around her knuckles so that she wouldn't damage them as she took her frustrations out on the canvas bag. Then unexpectedly, she turned and round housed Spike.

He only just managed to block.

"I cannot believe you, Spike." she spat, beginning a series of punches. "What's you're evil, vile big bad plan this time? Tell the slayer you love her to get into her pants again so you can brag to all your little demon friends that you've bagged another slayer, insert suggestive grin here?"

Spike looked mystified for about three seconds before he replied.

"You think that's what this is about, slayer?" he demanded.

"DUH!" she exclaimed. "You can't love me, you're a vampire!"

She jump kicked him, and he just caught her leg and spun her over.

"And vampires can't love?" he demanded. "Please, slayer, get with the program."

Buffy attempted to kick his legs out from under him but he evaded her.

"You don't have a soul!" she cried. "You are nothing but a monster. A demon who kills people."

At this point Spike got pissed off.

"Christ, Slayer." he cried. "You are being such a sodding hypocrite right now that I want to rip your bloody head off."

Buffy rolled her eyes, he kicked she blocked, and then countered with a flurry of moves that, had Spike been a human, might have killed him.

"You just proved my point" she snapped.

She finally managed to knocked Spike down, but he just jumped back on his feet again. They prowled around each other trying to find an opening in the other's defenses.

"So what, Slayer?" Spike wanted to know. "I've fought people and killed them, Cause I needed to feed. I kill your kind. Slayers and humans take your pick, Done 'em both. Does this make me bad? In your eyes, o' Course. But then how about you? You've fought-you FIGHT- demons and kill them. Take Mummyand Daddy demonsaway from their spawn, all because of your sacred duty. You kill my kind, master vampire and fledgling alike, does this make you bad? In my eyes yes. So how are we different? We do the same thing, Dance the same dance Yeah?" he paused and shook his head. "Not everything is as bloody black and white as you think, Slayer."

Buffy stared at him.

"I need to talk to you, luv." he said, he said this in a curt manner, lowly and gruffly. When Buffy caught his gaze she noticed that it was darkened with something other than desire. "And now that I have you here, why don't you listen for once?"

Even used in that context, the nickname still melted her knee caps and reduced her legs to jelly.

She nodded, knowing any attempt at speech would have been either a few feeble vowel sounds or if she was really, really lucky, a squeak.

Damn him and what he did to her.

Enough of this, she had her dignity.

"What do you want, Spike?" she demanded.

"I want to know what is going on between the two of us." Spike replied.

"Going on?" Buffy asked innocently.

Spike rolled his eyes, cocked his head to one side and glared at her waiting for her to drop the clueless act. She knew quite well what was going on.

It was a staring battle, bright electric blue, clouded with confusion and anger, and hard green, clouded with anger, and supressed passion. (Story of Buffy's life, suppressed passion.) they stayed locked like that, neither backing down for a full minute and half, finally when Spike's gaze became too sharp, she sighed and looked away, still careful not to loose her focus.

Then up at him, her resolve face in place.

"nothing." she finally said.

Wrong answer.

Spike looked furious.

"Nothing?" he demanded. "Are you out of your bloody mind, woman? We have a child together, two in fact, we've done some questionable things in questionable places, and the like, you cannot be honestly be telling me that none of this means something to you."

Buffy faltered.

Damn, he had a point.

Right now she wanted nothing more than to just drop her strong act and melt into his embrace and throw the world away so she could be with him, just doing what they did best with no consequences and no complexities.

She wanted to run up to him, peel of the cloth barriers they wore and ride him into oblivion.

It doesn't matter what you want, Buffy rational voice told her. You cannot act on it because you are the slayer and you cannot get together with another vampire, this one with out even a soul.

Buffy mentally sighed, rational voice was right.

"No, Spike." Buffy said. "Not nothing,"

Spike looked at her, and arched a scared eyebrow, waiting for her to continue.

"Just not what you think."

"You don't know what I think, kitten." Spike said, suddenly making the nickname seem less than tender. "You don't know what I think because you are too wrapped up in your own little world. Too high up on your pedestal too see the ground. You know nothing about what anyone else might think or want."

Buffy scowled.

"This isn't about want, Spike."

Since when was the damn vampire so philosophical? Why couldn't he just be Spike the thug that she knew so that she could dismiss him and be done with it? Why did he have to understand her? Think about her? Think at all?

Spike shook his head.

"Are you daft, slayer?" he asked throwing his hands up in the air. "It's all about want." he said. "I'm asking you what you want, because I know what I want. I'm sure you know it too. You just haven't sussed it out, yet." He stared at her, his eyes boring into hers so intense she felt she had to look away, "And you know what I want, Slayer."

"You don't have a soul!" she countered weakly, unsure of why she was saying it.

"And my poof of a grandsire did?" he asked incredulously. "And that was why you could love him?"

She didn't say anything.

She didn't have to say anything.

Spike rolled his eyes.

"What did he do to you, slayer?" he asked lowly. "How did he treat you? How did that soul-having poof treat you?"

He faked a lunge making Buffy step back and trip over his shirt, landing on the mat right next to the punching bag. Spike straddled her, showing her that if he wanted to he could kill her easily.

"Don't hide behind your sacred duty, luv." he said. "Good and evil?" he shook his head making a distinct raspberry noise. "All a matter of perspective."

He paused, and then continued.

"But that's not what this is about." he said. "This," he paused, looked up. "all of this," he waved his arms around indicating the training room, the manor, everything. "It's about you, Slayer. All about you."

He sighed when her face went completely blank. She looked at him questioningly. He sighed absolute frustration.

How could she not know?

"I've loved you since the moment I saw you. From that bloody moment that I first saw you at the bronze with the whelp and the witch. From when I first heard your name, I felt something." He didn't sound heartfelt or tender, more like he was pissed at himself for being too stupid. "And I don't care what that sounds like, because I know its sounds horrible and rewritten over and over again." He paused again, trying to gain hold of his raging emotions. "but it's the truth and it's why I did all of this, Slayer, it's why I dragged you across Europe and Asia when I could have left you alone in London, it's why I made sure you had everything you wanted here, clothes, shoes, everything. And more than that, it's why I helped you back in Sunnyhell with my Fuckin' Poof of a Grandsire, it's why I told you about the slayers and how I killed them so you wouldn't meet the same fate. It's why I told you about Captain Cardboard, because he didn't know how lucky he was. He didn't know that I would have traded my entire eternity for just one minute in his shoes. One bloody minute. He never treated you like you should be treated, like the lady you are." He paused and said the next words, lowly, sincerely and slowly so that she would be sure of what he said and his meaning behind it. "I love you, and that's why I can't stand to see you cry, can't stand to see you get hurt. That's why I'm here, Buffy, because I love you."

With that being said, he got off her, and disappeared upstairs, leaving Buffy staring after him shocked beyond words.