The Diary

Encounters

Disclaimer: I do not own, nor am I affiliated with the owners of, Inuyasha

Inuyasha found that he could not sleep well that night. His thoughts continually drifted to the diary, to Kagome's written words, and when he was finally able to drift off he was left with dreams of Kikyou and Kagome, and every so often Miroku would float in with advice for his love life. When he awoke in the morning, hours before dawn, he discovered that he wanted to hit the monk, if just for the dream. As he went hunting, knowing that he could not impose on Kagome to make his food anymore, Inuyasha caught a whiff of something in the distance and stopped to sniff the air curiously. The scent nearly made him run back to the hut, but something more powerful than his word and the thought of Kagome pulled him toward the source. Just the smell of Kikyou made him want to run in two directions at once.

Walking slowly through the woods, Inuyasha fought to control and understand his thoughts. He had promised Kagome that he'd never leave her to find Kikyou again. But at the same time, he wasn't really leaving her to find Kikyou, was he? He had simply picked up her scent while hunting and decided to go see her. Besides, Kagome was safe with Miroku and Sango, and since she was angry with him Inuyasha doubted she'd miss him.

As Inuyasha left the coer of the woods, he was surprised to find himself on the bank of a river. A loud waterfall crashed nearby, and several fish jumped out of the river at random intervals. The waterfall dampened his sense of smell, but Inuyasha could see his goal. She sat on the edge of the river, only ten yards from where Inuyasha stood currently. Her long hair fell to her waist, and she had it thrown over her left shoulder, slowly twisting the thick strands in her fingers. She stared intently at the surface of the quickly flowing river, and her eyes were troubled. Her bow and arrows laid forgotten on the ground a few feet away, as did her hair ribbon. Inuyasha cleared his throat nervously, gaining the priestess' attention.

Slowly Kikyou rose, staring nervously at the half-demon. Then, realizing she was staring, she quickly bent to pick up her abandoned items and began walking toward the falls. Inuyasha hesitantly followed, not knowing what he would say to the woman when he reached her destination. As Kikyou disappeared through the crashing waters of the waterfall, Inuyasha nervously unsheathed the Tetsusaiga, not knowing what was on the other side. Slowly, he followed her.

When he was on the other side of the furious crash of water, Inuyasha shook his long white hair and looked around. Kikyou was tying her hair up as she sat on a large rock in the damp cave. Inuyasha was surprised to find that the cave was more like a small house, with a bedroll and furniture set around the "room". Kikyou even had a mirror in front of the rock she now sat on, and she looked at him through it as she finished with her hair tie. She looked at him intently again, and then sighed.

"Inuyasha," she said in her inhumanly calm tone. "I was wondering where you had been; it's been a while." Inuyasha cleared his throat again.

"Kikyou, how- how've you been?" He looked away, frowning. "I haven't been around because... I made a promise." Kikyou raised an eyebrow. Turning around, she leveled her contemplating gaze on him.

"You promised Kagome you'd stay away from me," she guessed quietly. Inuyasha frowned.

"Not exactly," he mumbled. "I promised her I wouldn't go looking for you and leave her alone." Kikyou laughed quietly.

"Yet you are here," she whispered. "Tell me, what brings you here, Inuyasha? Did you just decide to drop by? How did you find me?"

"I was hunting and smelled your scent, so I decided to come see you. What are you doing here?"

Kikyou fixed him with a hard stare, then stood and walked over to her bedroll, and folded it up to keep it out of the way of her daily chores. "Naraku's death has taken a toll on the world. They are happy and somewhat free now, but they worry. They hear about Kagura's misdeeds everywhere they go, and they know that she has kept the spell on Kohaku using what little link to Naraku she has. They wonder if their own misfortunes will continue on while she lives. How is the monk's hand?"

Inuyasha shrugged. "The Wind Tunnel is gone; he was able to remove the precautions the day Naraku was slain. There have been no repurcussions."

Kikyou looked thoughtful. "Perhaps Kagura's powers are limited to the victims nearby?" Inuyasha shrugged again.

"Whatever the reason, Sango is still quite determined to save Kohaku."

"What about the jewel shard in his back? Will she kill him, in order to save him?" Inuyasha shook his head irritably.

"I don't know! Women are confusing." Kikyou gave him a knowing smile.

"Which women are more so? The ones who care so much about their brother that they shall go to the ends of the earth, or the ones that you love so much you would avoid a past lover for them for months on end?" Inuyasha glared at her for a moment.

"Hey, Kikyou!" He snapped. "I didn't avoid you because I love her, I avoided you because every time I go in search of you she is hurt!"

"Why would you care? Why can't Miroku and Sango watch over her? They are quite competent."

"Because they're not me!" Inuyasha barked angrily. Seeing Kikyou's satisfied smile, he growled, "They have let her be hurt before. She could have died several times. I cannot let her die!"

"Yet you do not love her?"

"She is the one that will help me find and repair the Shikon Jewel," he replied simply. Kikyou raised a contemplative eyebrow. Inuyasha, remembering the diary entry, suddenly felt very tired and drained. "No, that's not it," he mumbled, plopping onto the ground and propping his head on his hand. "I don't know what it is I feel for her, but everyone tells me I love her, and I'm tired of being confused about it." Looking at a slightly shocked Kikyou, he grumbled, "In any case, I shouldn't be here. I'm leaving." And with that, he was through the waterfall and across the river.

Kikyou sat again on the rock in front of her mirror, smiling softly to herself. Inuyasha had finally done it- he had made the jump from rejected lover in denial to new suitor... yet, apparently, still in denial. Kikyou frowned, looking at herself in the mirror. The reflections of a mirror are all backwards, she thought to herself. In this mirror I look alive, healthy, a priestess. But inside I am truly dead, a corpse decaying in it's own skin. And how can a woman reborn still call herself a priestess? With a sigh, Kikyou found that she envied Kagome. She had been wrong, so many years before, tricked by Naraku. But she would not have a second chance, and now that she saw Inuyasha's true feelings for Kagome, she no longer wanted to. Stretching, Kikyou idly wondered what Kagome felt about this whole situation.

Inuyasha dashed through the woods. He had hunted and eaten, and now he had to get back to camp. As he neared the shelter, he heard voices. Stopping to listen, he felt his stomach drop.

"I don't know where Inuyasha is," Miroku was repying to Sango, confused. "Maybe he went out to hunt?"

"Why would he do that?" Sango asked peculiarly. "Kagome would have fed him. I know they got in a fight last night, but he was so insensitive! He could have waited for ramen, at least until this morning."

"I don't think that's why he's gone," broke in Kagome. Inuyasha frowned. "I mean, that might be part of it... But in that last town, one of the shopkeepers mentioned seeing Kikyou around here. Do you think he...?"

Miroku and Sango made exclamations. "But... but he promised he wouldn't!" Sango cried.

Miroku sighed. "I doubt that's where he's gone, Kagome. After all, he does need you. And he's a man of his word, if nothing else. Please, just consider other options before condemning him; he could simply be out hunting because he did not wish to offend you further by asking for more ramen." Kagome sighed.

"I suppose." Inuyasha slowly backed away, so as not to make any noise. Feeling utterly defeated, he walked around to the other side of the large trunk of the cherry tree, where they could not see him. Sitting down, he wondered what Kagome had written in her diary the night before; he had returned the journal while she was rummaging frantically in her bag after their fight. Finally, his curiosity got the better of him and he crept over to the window of her room, careful not to be seen.

Reaching into Kagome's bag, he found the diary on top and quickly made his escape back to the tree. Opening the small book, he opened the diary to the last entry written, then settled down to read it.

Dear Diary, it said, I think I'm actually going to enjoy getting out of this era. I never thought about it before, but if I stay here there will be problems. I'll just stay long enough to explain my plight to the others, then I'll start on my way back to the well. I'm sure Mom misses me. I feel bad about abandoning the quest for the jewel shards, but I just can't stay. Ever since Inuyasha promised not to go after Kikyou he's been cold and cut off, as if by doing so he determines that I owe him compensation or something. And I hate it! I miss the old Inuyasha, that does weird, drastic things for no reason. The one that always came back, even if he did go after Kikyou. The one that promised to protect me always. Isn't my heart as important as my well-being? I feel like he protects me only as an object, as opposed to a person. I can't stay here when this is all I will feel the whole time; I miss the real Inuyasha so much I want to cry. So I have made up my mind; I'm going home. I'll tell them tomorrow night, and then leave the next morning.

Inuyasha closed the book with a snap. He was embarrassed beyond belief that he felt like crying himself. He jerkily wiped a stray tear from his cheek, angry with his own weakness. Why did Kagome have to leave? If she'd only told him, he would have explained things to her! He would have explained his conversation with Miroku, explain how confused he was... Except, he wouldn't, he suddenly realized. If she had presented all of this to him in person he would have grunted or said Whatever! as usual. He would have pretended he felt nothing for her, for anyone other than himself. Inuyasha knew that was what he would have done, but he didn't like it. And he wouldn't do that now. Standing up, Inuyasha looked around the tree at the porch, where Miroku and Sango had been sitting with Kagome. Unsurprisingly, the monk had squeezed another walk out of the young demonslayer and Kagome sat on her own, staring up at the clouds. With a heavy and nervous sigh, Inuyasha began the seemingly long walk over to the girl.

"Kagome," he said timidly, forcing his hand to stay away from the Tetsusaiga's hilt. "Um... can we talk?" Kagome blinked at him in surprise for a moment, then nodded. Inuyasha sat beside her, careful to hide the diary on his opposite side; he didn't want her to know he had it yet. For a few minutes, neither one of them said anything. The longer he sat in silence, the deeper Kagome's frown became, so that by the time he thought he was ready to begin she looked like she had eaten something rotten.

"Kagome," he began again, clearing his throat. He suddenly had the urge to look at her before he spoke, and therefore messed up; once he was looking into her eyes he found speaking even more difficult. Instead he was fascinated by how much hurt there was in her eyes, pain he had never noticed before. Kagome had gone to great lengths not to let him see it, he knew, but he wished he'd had some sort of idea nonetheless.

"Yes?" Kagome prompted once she was tired of looking at him. "What is it, Inuyasha?"

"Ah..." Inuyasha suddenly had the urge to flee, and almost blew the whole thing off. Then he remembered her plans for leaving and steeled his resolve. Blushing, he looked down at the grass, and said, "I wanted to ask you... if you had any plans for leaving us." Kagome's sharp intake was all the answer he needed.

"Wh- what do you mean?" She asked, trying and failing to sound casual. "We haven't found the jewel shards yet." Inuyasha took a deep breath and pulled out the diary, showing it to the girl and willing her not to be mad. Confusingly, she was quite calm.

"How did you get that?" She asked, staring at the small book. "It's mine. It was in my bag."

"Shippo stole it," Inuyasha replied with a small shrug. "He wanted to know what you were writing about. Then he ran into me and asked me to read it to him." Kagome paled.

"How much did you read?" Inuyasha noticed her shaky voice.

"Not much," he replied. "The first entry and... last night's entry." Kagome stood up, snatching the book from his grasp.

"Don't you have any sense of privacy?" She screamed, glaring at him. "This is my diary! My secrets, my dreams, my wishes-"

"Your plans to leave?" Inuyasha stood as well, glaring back at her. "Kagome, can't we just talk about this?"

"NO!" Kagome yelled as loud as her lungs would allow. "I don't want to! I've gotten pretty good at just pretending I don't need to, and that's what this was for!" Kagome turned on her heel and stomped away. Suddenly turning, she added, "And next time you make me a promise, try to stick to it!" Inuyasha glimsed tears as the girl turned away again, and his heart sank. How did she... ?

"Kikyou came by," Miroku said softly from the shadows of the tree. "She came to talk while you were in the tree; she told us you had been to her cave." Inuyasha chuckled humorlessly.

"Is that right?" He mumbled. "All that talk about me being in denial and she goes and kills it for me. The truth is, I hadn't meant to see her. I ran into her as I was hunting; or, more of, I ran into her scent. And I couldn't help but go see her; but nothing happened. We talked about Naraku, the Wind Tunnel, Kagome's promise, and..." Inuyasha stopped, blushing, as he remembered the last topic. "Kagome." Miroku slowly walked toward him.

"Kagome is hurt," he whispered, his voice carrying slightly on the soft wind. "She has done much to help you. She has risked her life, traveled a long way, spent much time away from home. All that work and her only payment is unrequited love. She does not want to leave; you know that. She wants you to love her, and sometimes one thinks that distance will ease the pain of heartbreak." Sourly, he added, "It does not. It only allows you to nurse it by convincing yourself to look at the other potential mates around you." Inuyasha nodded; he knew all too well.

"Miroku," he said in a voice so helpless that it shook the monk, "What do I do? I don't want to lose her." Miroku closed his eyes in remorse and looked at the ground, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Inuyasha, my experiences in this area are not very productive; otherwise I'd have an heir by Sango already. However, in this case I shal try to help you in any way I can." Inuyasha nodded.

"Arigatou."