A/N: Here's the fourth update, I want to thank all of you guys personally for the reviews that surely made my night. I hope you won't mind the little Sephiroth reminiscence and fandom presented to you as a mini vignette midway through the chapter..., well, back then even Cloud was a fan! Hmm, I hope this one's not too long either, must be the inner Sephiroth-hugger in me...-shakes head- By the way as much as I'm a yaoi and a cainine lover, Barret&Nanaki is er...just not my thing! (Poor Nanaki...?) -chuckles- I don't think I'll go that far... Here's a clue; it will be an angst-laden -possibly one-sided- Kadaj pairing, because as one of my readers said, the poor thing does need a hug! Rest assured he'll get his much-needed cuddle, but not before some well-deserved suffering! All for the better I say.
Disclaimer: Square Enix owns pretty much everything.
"O Dreadful Angel of mine,
Enrich me with the vastness of Your Being…
I'll commit myself to understand,
To be the faithful and the instrument…"
-Dimmu Borgir "The Insight and The Catharsis"
"You can sleep here." Tifa said without enthusiasm,opening the moss-green curtains and letting the last rays of the setting sun into the room adjacent to hers.
She had the guestroom ready at all times in case Barret or Yuffie decided to pop by. Now Kadaj was going to defile it with his presence, but there was no helping for it, Tifa sighed inwardly. Just grin and bear it, she told herself. Luckily Cid had gone back to Rocket Town straight after the celebrations, so at least a potential crisis was avoided. Nanaki was out with Yuffie, and Tifa suspected they weren't going to be very impressed when they found out about their surprise guest…
Kadaj cast his aquamarine gaze about the bedroom curiously, trying not to seem too overwhelmed by her reluctant kindness. He wished she would just punch him or do something similar and vent that bottled up frustration. Sooner than later...
The room was not overly large; furnished with a comfortable looking bed, a small cabinet next to it, a wooden desk with a chair under the window with a small bookcase crammed with a selection of volumes and small ornaments occupied one corner. Framed pictures adorned the cream colored walls, mostly colorful and clumsy drawings clearly made by a child's unschooled little hand.
Kadaj stood at the threshold for long moments, silently, unsurely so. Tifa placed her hands on her hips, scowling. Was he waiting for an invitation or what? Or was the room not good enough for his refined tastes? Well, the bastard had to make do!
All these poisonous thoughts faded when she realized the reason for his apparent indifference might just be as simple as shyness…He looked tired, the wanness of his complexion stood out against the stark black of his armoured trench, and he carried himself with a silent resignation one would see in a scolded child.Was this timid creature the dark, godlike entity Cloud had fought only a couple of days ago? Amazing…Maybe Cloud was not exaggerating when he said Aeris had cleansed Kadaj; maybe this was his true self; a bashful, serious teenager like Cloud had been years ago...Why was she making excuses for his behaviour anyway?
He looked as though he had just stepped into an entirely new world, curiously, but warily examining the unfamiliar territory, forcing himself to adapt to the alien surroundings that could or could not prove to be hostile. For a change, he was thrown into the role of the follower, and not the leader.
Kadaj stepped in with a slow reverence upon Tifa's beckoning, wordlessly examining each piece of furniture and knick-knack. For a fleeting moment, his features had a cast of wistful sorrow mixed with an almost childish excitement that baffled Tifa like nothing ever had before. It was just a room for heaven's sake…
As he moved around, the receding daylight danced in his collar-length hair, giving the moon-silver streaked strands a glistening, otherworldly, almost celestial sheen. He was made flawlessly in Sephiroth's image, Tifa noted with sorrow, remembering her own silly, girlish infatuation with the SOLDIER champion before he became corrupt. His terrible, demonic beauty often had her stealing embarrassed glances his way, sent her heart fluttering every time his eyes were to fall on her unseeingly in Nibelheim 7 years ago. The way the corner of those sculpted lips lifted in a knowing, shadowy semi-smile, the lambent mako grey-green eyes narrowing ever so slightly in thoughtful amusement…How awful it had all been, her stupid, one-sided crush that eventually turned into deepest resentment and revulsion…
Sephiroth was a murderer, a madman, evil made flesh. There could be no beauty or goodness in such an abhorrent creature. Could one make the same claim about Kadaj? Could one afford to make allowances for his vile past behaviour? Technically they were the same person, right, so did it really make any difference to treat him as though he was otherwise? Cloud said he was more than that...Did Aeris truly bring him back so that Sephiroth could finally atone for his sins through Kadaj and begin life anew as a different person? Or was it Cloud's overloaded imagination that had a habit of playing dangerous tricks on him, especially everytime he confronted Sephiroth's manipulative power? Aeris was still a delicate subject for Cloud, so Tifa tried to avoid that line of conversation in her questioning. Not that Cloud would tell her anything about the matter anyway, even after all these years, he had an annoying tendency to keep things to himself most of the time.
Tifa realized she was staring at Kadaj again, quite blatantly. Appalled and horrified at herself, she quickly cut her gaze away from him, grateful he was too distracted to notice. What had just possessed her to act like that?
"The bathroom's at the end of the hall, on your left. There are some leftovers in the fridge if you're hungry." She mumbled, trying not to sound too annoyed.
Kadaj looked up. His expression was unreadable, maybe he seemed a little confused and a little self-conscious. Truth be told, she felt a little awkward herself.
"Well, I'll leave you to it."
"Thank you…" His voice was barely above a whisper.
"Don't thank me, thank Cloud." Tifa said coldly.
Kadaj tilted his head in a slight nod, watching her leave. The toss of her sleek, jet-dark hair, the subtle sway of her hips as she disappeared round the corner and down the stairs, kept his gaze fastened with a strange sense of guilt and shame. She must really hate him, he thought gloomily, remembering the sheer, unbridled contempt burning in her black opalescent eyes. And here he was imposing on her with all his legendary selfishness, with no regard for her feelings whatsoever...
He wanted to go after her, tell her something stupid like how grateful he was, and that if he could change things for her, he would... By gods, he would…
"Don't worry about Tifa. She'll get over it."
Cloud appeared in the doorway with a bundle of assorted clothes, placing them on the bed.
"These should fit you I think. We're pretty much about the same size."
When the youth stared at the garments with a grimace, Cloud cocked an eyebrow in question.
"What's wrong?"
"Everything!" Kadaj seethed, he couldn't take the awful pressure of Cloud's benevolence anymore. " I don't understand any of this!" He took a bold step forward, his eyes flaring with an azure-green fury. "What am I doing in this place? I don't belong here… I don't belong in your world! What do you hope to gain by putting me and your friends though this stupid farce!" He was trembling.
"Kadaj, it's allright."
"No, it's not all right! Stop saying that! I know they all hate me, they don't want me here!" A dark, ghastly smile warped his face with a dangerous intensity for a second. "I'm all that's left of Sephiroth and they can't bear it!" He hissed softly.
Cloud remained silent. Kadaj's chaotic emotional state was wearing out on his nerves, but he did not give in to his irritation. He had to handle this carefully, with patience he hoped he had come to possess over the years. Perhaps beneath that explosive temper, Kadaj was actually still beating himself over his crimes against the planet. It was a good sign, showed the young man possessed some sense of morality after all.
"And they despise me for that, as if I could help it!" He spat in agitation. Could you blame them, Kadaj...?
"Who's they?"
"Don't act like you don't know!"
"You must give Barret and Tifa time to get used to all of this, Kadaj. Believe me they will, and not just for my sake." He added, clearly speaking from experience, as Kadaj could tell by the sincerity in his voice. "They will get to know the real you, and in time, all will be forgotten. I know it's hard, trust me I've been there."
"It's…so hard…" Kadaj said brokenly, once his anger was spent. His whisper was barely audible, his fury dissipating as quickly as it came.
"Just hang in there kid."
"I don't get you." Kadaj said grimly, with a slight shake of his silver head.
"Yeah, I get that often." Cloud smiled faintly. "You know I thought I'd never say this, but believe it or not, Sephiroth wasn't always like that…"
"What do you mean?" Kadaj cut his gaze to Cloud in amazement.
"Before he discovered what Shinra had done to him and went insane in that mako reactor in Nibelheim, he was not actually so bad. He was my hero you see." Cloud said quietly, then gave a faint shrug. "I suppose he was everyone's hero in those days…"
"I'm beginning to think you're the one who's insane…" Kadaj remarked in absolute shock. Maybe he was going insane himself too, never in a million years he thought he'd hear his bitter foe utter such words about Sephiroth…Sephiroth it seemed, had an unmatched talent for influencing and mesmerizing those around him one way or the other, even his arch enemies...Oddly enough, Kadaj felt the claws of jealousy sink into his gut, twisting and reopening old wounds. Whether reviled or revered, Sephiroth would always overshadow him and his mediocre powers.
"No, it was Hojo. That man ruined his own son. Nearly destroyed the planet in the process…" Cloud's face darkened with the memories.
"Hojo?" Kadaj queried in bewilderment.
"Even as I look back now, I can't help but pity Sephiroth...I often wondered if things would have been different...if Hojo had never allowed his unborn son to be injected with Jenova cells and exposed to some sicko's ghastly experiments."
"What are you talking about?" Kadaj frowned slightly, totally mystified.
"Sit down. It's time you and I had a talk anyway." Cloud pulled a chair and motioned Kadaj to sit.
The younger man did as he was bid, his confusion mounting by the moment. Cloud leaned against the wall, crossing his arms in front of him as the shadow of a long lost memory passed over his eyes, and Kadaj saw...
……..
"Your orders before I depart, sir?" The blonde Shinra soldier asked the taller man swathed in forbidding black, standing perfectly straight and stark motionless by the inn's dusty window.
Sephiroth did not look at him. His mind's eye already had already summoned the questioning eyes colored to the blue of cloudless skies, clear and bright. The absurd blonde spikes of his hair that refused to flatten beneath the blue helmet. The young, luminous face full of idealism and naïveté in a way he never had possessed, nor he wished to. Odd, that this particularly insignificant, low class soldier should stand out in such a way in his mind. Maybe it was the youth's steadfast loyalty, his unfaltering tendency to follow his commands and not Zack, despite being friends with him. He didn't know whether this irritated him or pleased him. Perhaps both.
"This scenery…I feel like I know this place." Sephiroth replied vaguely, more to himself, gazing through the slightly begrimed glass, feigning boredom.
Cloud came to stand beside him, his fine-featured countenance brightening with an enthusiasm peculiar to the young and innocent.
"After our mission, I could show you around if you like, sir. Nibelheim is one of the most beautiful towns in all the world."
The unique, silvery-green mako infused eyes slanted in a sideways glance. Sephiroth turned with a languorous grace the younger man envied and coveted. Even when fighting, Sephiroth was an epitome of dark, unhurried elegance and style that baffled and distracted many a hapless foe.
"Of course you will say that. It's your home." He said in a smooth, abstract voice, faintly amused perhaps.
"I guess." Cloud shrugged, turning from the window, feeling slightly overpowered by the commanding presence of the man he looked up to everyday of his 16 winters worth of life.
"Besides, I doubt you have seen anywhere beyond Nibelheim and Midgar borders to make such a claim." Sephiroth teased. There was a barely noticeable, derisive undertone to his deep, low-pitched voice.
"Someday I will." Cloud answered resolutely, glancing away.
With a gentle, graceful movement, Sephiroth flicked a long, wispy silver lock out of his face, absently watching the younger soldier sit on the edge of the bed with his hand placed on one knee, the other gauntleted hand tapping his helmet absently against his leg, his blonde head tilted forward in deep thoughtfulness that suddenly made him seem older than a mere 16 year old.
"Sephiroth?" He asked again, with an almost shy, pensive smile, intoning his name with the sort of reverence that never ceased to intrigue the senior SOLDIER. It felt good to be respected and admired, Sephiroth admitted to himself.
It felt good to be idolized.
"Hmm?" He tipped his head slightly. Dying sunlight cast its final illumination upon his pale hair, white-gold bleeding through pure silver, angelically so.
"You know how you said you don't have a hometown, earlier on?"
Sephiroth said nothing, maintaining his watchful silence, seemingly content with his casual observation of the sparsely-furnished, but adequate inn-room, taking no notice of the blue-clad youth. He crossed his well-muscled arms in front of his chest, leaning his weight on one leg. His silver brows arched slightly with interest.
"I… I overheard you and Zack on the way. I hope you don't mind." Cloud began awkwardly, shuffling his feet. His mako-blue eyes were firmly fixed on the intricate patterns of the carpet. He took a slow breath, then looked up at his superior.
"Nibelheim can be your hometown if you like. My family would be honored to have you here, sir, you can even have your own room…"
Something very unusual and very disturbing happened then, descending upon the inn room like a black, inky shadow that tainted all it touched; even the last rays of afternoon light outside seemed to dim faster.
Sephiroth started to laugh.
It was a hollow, sarcastic laughter etched with a sorrowful tinge otherwise actually reserved for tears.
He trailed off, pursing his lips in a brooding smile, seeing the confusion and deep humiliation reddening the youth's cheeks. Then he just paled, a morose shadow replacing the vibrant hope in his eyes, dimming what little confidence and optimism Cloud had in him. He looked perturbed, crestfallen, wary even. This was maybe because he rarely ever heard the man raise his voice in laughter or despair.
Sephiroth knew exactly what the boy was thinking; how could a champion like him stoop to such an inferior level, why would he demean himself by calling this little backwater town his home, and acknowledge this insignificant nobody-soldier as his brother? He remained taciturn and silent, watching the boy rise to his feet uneasily, afraid he had overstepped his boundaries.
Cloud sighed inaudibly, why did he have to go and make a fool of himself like that? Had he offended him in some way? Judging by the look on his face, Sephiroth probably thought he was a loser. He did not need to be reminded of the fact. He knew he was a brazen, hopeless loser; he had been most of his life… Maybe he could make himself scarce while he could still salvage the situation…
It was true that to prolong this silent treatment was a cruel thing to do, Sephiroth mused. Even so, he savored every single moment of the youth's distress.
In his own, twisted way, Sephiroth was punishing him for his apparent audacity. It was not unusual for him to treat his lessers such, sometimes too immature a thing to do on his part; to toy with weaker individuals -be it an adversary or an admirer- who willingly, foolishly exposed their hearts and souls to him. Those who were subjected to his cruelty were either broken irredeemably, or amazingly, they thrived. It was just another method to weed out the weak, Sephiroth thought; if anything, he was doing them a favor by crushing those flimsy emotions and childish hopes anyway. A man did not learn self worth and earn respect by succumbing to his weaknesses. Without control and restraint, pride and ambition, the heart became wayward, disobedient, easily manipulated, and such a man made a poor SOLDIER, let alone a low rank Shinra enforcer. No wonder the boy had failed…
Nevertheless…
This particular one had a strangely endearing penchant for making himself a royal pest sometimes…much in the manner of an exasperating little brother would. Of course, he wouldn't know, Sephiroth reflected; he had no brother, no family. He wasn't sure he ever wanted one.
Even for the briefest of moments, Sephiroth enjoyed the odd sense of contentment the boy's presence brought. What was his name again…? He remembered Zack referring to him as Cloud…
He sometimes wondered at the bond Zack and Cloud shared, despite their ranks and status in life. He sometimes envied it...A part of him was intrigued by the offer still, yearning to say yes, that this was their home and that they would be as brothers until the very end, regardless of their status and aspirations in life. But doing so would be a lie; like many other things in the Planet. A big, fat lie.
Like brothers…he mused. It had a strangely pleasant sound to it…But it would be an utterly foolish thing to covet, for their alliance was based solely on mutual duties assigned to them by the Shinra and nothing further than that. To assume anything more than that would be highly improper thing to do for a man of his position. Sephiroth prided himself on avoiding any unprofessional entanglements of any kind, unlike some others that populated his order, or those sloppy, insufferable Turks. And, knowing what Cloud was, it was hardly a sound notion to indulge the boy…
The soft rustle of a sable cloak brought Cloud's head up to gaze at the older, more experienced warrior with a despondent look he did not bother to hide. Then, another amazing phenomenon happened.
Sephiroth gave him a brotherly pat on the shoulder, that could pass as a fond gesture. Cloud felt a thrill of deep satisfaction; he knew as well as anyone else who was more or less familiar with Sephiroth's aloof, reserved persona that bordered on downright unapproachable, that he was not inclined to make any physical contact with anybody -even in combat- , much less touch another in affection.
Cloud, readily enough, took this as a positive sign, his mind already filled with images of the two of them together, parading proudly down the streets of Nibelheim in glory, to the awe of his family and the rest of the citizens. And Tifa…
Tifa…
"We have an early start tomorrow. You should get some sleep soon." Sephiroth said impassively.
"Yeah." Cloud agreed, visibly cheering up. Once again, Sephiroth expertly managed to elude him, but Cloud did not mind this time. He would ask again later, before they departed for the mako reactor. After all, tomorrow was another day, and the young were full of dreams…
And these dreams sometimes turned into delusions one could not wake from, unable to separate reality from illusions…and like a subtle, creeping disease, they polluted the mind and tainted the soul.
"Cloud?"
"Yes sir?"
"My answer is no. We're not here on a picnic here, never forget that." Sephiroth said, his voice hardening, his small smile frosting over.
"Don't let him get to you." Zack whispered as Cloud walked grimly past him and made his way out without a word to his friend…
…………….
"Cloud?"
Cloud lifted his blonde head and regarded Kadaj with a bleak smile.
"A week after that Sephiroth burned Nibelheim to the ground."
"If you're expecting me to sympathize, you're mistaken." Kadaj muttered somewhat diffidently.
"I'm not. I just want you to understand." Cloud stated as a matter of fact.
"Understand what?"
"That you have a choice. Sephiroth didn't. You can make things better for yourself and those around you, or you can throw it all away and give up now. Which will it be, Kadaj?"
"I don't know…I'm not even sure what you mean by that…" Kadaj averted his eyes and rose from his chair, pacing about in sudden agitation.
"She's gone, isn't she?"
"You mean…Mother?" Kadaj paused.
"Jenova. The Calamity. Whichever you prefer. She or he's known to have many names."
"Jenova…" Kadaj repeated with a whispery tone. "She's….not here." His hand traveled to his temple.
"I thought so." Cloud said softly. "Just as Aeris said…"
Kadaj said nothing.
"You are not Sephiroth, Kadaj. His sins are not yours. Not anymore."
"Your friends don't seem to think that way…" He couldn't still believe they were having this conversation, as if they had never been enemies…
"Well then, now's your chance to prove them wrong." Cloud said. "Listen, why don't you go have a shower and I'll see if I can get Tifa to prepare us something to eat."
"That won't be necessary…" Kadaj shifted uncomfortably. "She…she said there were leftovers…"
"With Marlene and Denzel in the house, there is no such thing as leftovers." Cloud grinned. "Anyway, I'll meet you downstairs when you're ready. We'll have dinner at the bar." And he headed out, leaving Kadaj to his thoughts.
Kadaj stared after him in utter perplexity. No one had treated him like this before, not Yazoo, not Loz…Was he actually feeling better after that little exchange? Jenova…he said… The calamity… An alien matter that infected the mind and soul and eventually warped the body as well to suit its needs...
The Calamity...Planet's ultimate Nemesis...
If she created him, didn't he essentially belong to her? Did that make him a puppet, a servant…or a son?
Who was he betraying truly? Cloud, Sephiroth, or himself?
Better not think about it too much, not now. His head hurt, and on top of that his stomach was churning; he was famished.
Nevermind that…
Kadaj peered out the window, over the ledge; it was a 2 storey fall, a child's play…Beyond that he could see the roofs and the dark alleyways beckoning…
Which will it be, Kadaj…?
Now's your chance to prove them wrong…
Voices…pulling his mind in opposite directions…His soul hesitated…
Kadaj, you can have that power back…Mother's not gone…She's within you. I am within you…Find me within you…
He took a step to the window. Now or never, it was time to decide. And this time, there was no going back.