A/N: Hey, you're back! That means that the pointlessness of the last two chapters didn't bore you to death, huzzah!

Thanks for the reviews :D Much appreciated, as always.

Chapter Three - Teaching Dudder to Suck Eggs

Perhaps one of the best results of the whole zoo fiasco was that Harry was far too busy spending his newly found - and illgotten - wealth to bother much with the Dursleys at all. In fact, the first few weeks of the summer holidays were the most peaceful that the long suffering family had had in over eleven years, if you ommitted the smallish fact that Harry's snake - whom he'd named Nagini - must have been the reincarnated spirit of Houdini, as she had a knack of escaping (or so Harry said) and roamingfreely throughout the house, much to Dudder's despair.

Anyway, we rejoin our hapless hero and his long suffering victims some weeks later, at what has, so far at least, been a reasonably quiet breakfast. The holidays were drawing to a close and the Dursleys, at last showing some concern for their son, had come up with another cunning -and deperate -plan to get rid of Harry once and for all. They'd been on the phone, had made the necissary arrangements and hatched a cunning deception that Harry, at least for the moment, seemed to be falling for. They'd told him that they were following a Juvinile Delinquent Rehabilitation scheme and were taking him on holiday to Disney Land in the somewhat small hope that a little bit of love and affection would heal his troubled heart once and for all, turning him into a pillar of the community.

What they WEREN'T telling him was that they were really following desparation and sending him to Grim's Boarding School for Criminally Dangerous Boys with the somewhat high hopes that a LOT of discipline and distance would remove Harry's delinquent presence once and for all, turning him into a figment of their imagination.

Harry, unaware of this, was currently lounging against the kitchen wall, his chair tilted up on its back legs as he smirked and flashed his expensive watch, neckchain and knucledusters for all to see. Dudder was cowering in the opposite corner, one eye on Nagini who was lounging on the table, from where our horrible hero refused to remove her. The unmistakeable bulge of Dudder's parrot, which had made the rather ill-fated mistake of returning after Harry let it loose, was clearly visible in the snake's long body. In compensation for this, Uncle Vernix and Aunt Petulant had made their usual offering of food to their son in the form of a large box of Creme Eggs, provided by a friend who happened to work in the factory where they were made.

Unfortunately Harry, being Harry, had nicked them.

"Hey, Dudder," he drawled, unwrapping an egg and popping it into his mouth, "How do you reckon they keep the yolk and the egg white seperate in these things?"

"Dunno."Actually Dudder, who spent a lot of time with his nose in a book, DID know how this was done, but he wasn't going to risk making that said nose any flatter by revealing this.

"Y'know," said Harry, "Some people like to scoop the filling out with their finger, some people like to break off a piece of chocolate and use it as a spoon, but the only way to really eat them is to pop the whole thing in your mouth, don't you agree?"

Dudder was saved the humiliation of answering by the clatter ofthe post hitting the mat.

Uncle Vernix looked at Dudder.

Dudder looked at Aunt Petulant.

Aunt Petulant looked at Uncle Vernix.

Uncle Vernix looked at Harry.

Harry flashed the Childline slip.

Uncle Vernix looked at Dudder.

Dudder went.

"Ugh!" said Harry suddenly and loudly, "This isn't a Creme Egg! It's one of those cheapo ones with the horrible thin chocolate and the crappy toys inside!" But he ate it anyway, just so he wouldn't have to give it to Dudder.

"There's a letter for Harry," Dudder said, waddling into the kitchen. Harry snatched the letter out of his hand.

"Dear Mr. Potter," he started to read, "we are happy to tell you that you have been enrolled..."

Uncle Vernix suddenly snatched it out of his hand.

"Oops!" he said a little too cheefully, "that should have been sent to me!"

"It's a school letter," said Harry, narrowing his eyes in suspicion.

"Yeah, uh, nightschool," said uncle Vernix, wondering how on earth Grim's Boarding School could have slipped up like this.

"Now, you wouldn't happen to be planning on sending me away to boarding school, would you?" said Harry threateningly, waving the Childline slip in the air.

"No, no!" said Uncle Vernix in a voice that was too high and too squeaky to be convincing, "now if you don't mind, I need a word with your aunt."

Harry narrowed his eyes.

"In private."

Harry narrowed his eyes some more.

"Petulant, dear," said Vernix in a false whisper, just loud enough for Harry to accidentally-on-purpose overhear, "did you hide that money under the mattress like I asked?"

Harry bolted out of the room. Dudder waddled after him.

"What money?" asked aunt Petulant.

"There isn't any!" Uncle Vernix hissed, "Why would the school send him a letter? We told them NOT to send a letter!"

Petulant took the letter and shrieked, "Vernix, this isn't from Grim's ... it's from there!"

"There?"

"There!" Shrieked aunt Petulant, "Vernix, we can't send him there! He'll learn how to turn us all into toads, just like our Lilith did! What are we going to do?"

"We'll just have to take him to Grim's ... today! They can't take him if he's already enrolled in Grim's!"

"I'll pack his bags," said aunt Petulant.

"I'll pack the car!" said Uncle Vernix. They both darted in different directions, but unfortunately collided together and fell, sprawling across the floor. The letter fell on top of them.

"Look at this," said Vernix, holding the letter up, "Dear Dursleys, knowing what utterly rubbish guardians you are, I have taken the liberaty of sending a second letter, cunningly concealed where your grubby little eyes can't find it, directly to Harry so that you can't stop him coming to our school. So I will expect Harry at Half-Bored on September 1st whether you like it or not, ner! (here was a doodle of a man with a beard pulling tongues at the Dursleys), signed, Professor Doublebore."

"Concealed where we can't find it?" Vernix said.

"Wait..." said Petulant, "...Craig's factory doesn't make those eggs with the toys inside..."

"THE EGG!" they both roared, sprinting out of the door.

They were too late. Harry was standing in the hallway, a letter in one hand and two halves of a plastic container in the other.

"Half-Bored School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, huh?" he said, grinning evily, "Boy is this going to be great ... Nagini just loves toads!"

Two hours later and the Dursleys were speeding down the motorway with a screaming Harry in the back seat, yelling curses and trying to dial childline on his phone. Both adult Dursleys were praying that the would get to Grim's before Harry realised that Uncle Vernix had removed the SIM card.

They didn't. Before long a huge storm forced them to stop for the night, though the only place they could find to stay in was a dilapidated hut in the middle of nowhere, which was so swamped by the rain that the hill it stood upon resembled a small island. Harry wass dragged inside, screaming and cursing, and shoved into the bedroom where he promptly claimed the best bed and pinched Dudder's blankets, too.

Harry lay awake all night, plotting his revenge. He'd show them - even if he didn't get to go to the school he would learn how to turn them into toads and feed them to Nagini. Then they'd be sorry. Anyway, in about 5 seconds it would be his birthday.

5 - gosh, that storm was loud!

4 - was that the storm? Maybe it was Bigfoot.

3 - Oh, wait, Bigfoot was American, wasn't he?

2 - Maybe he'd wake Dudder up, just to annoy him

1 - CRASH!

The door flew inwards and crashed against the opposite wall. There was something in the doorway. Something VERY large, VERY hairy and very, VERY wet.

It wasn't Bigfoot...