Hello!
At last, another chapter!Thanks for coming back to read this - I really didn't think that this story would work, much less that people would actually read it and like it! 0.0
Wonder what miss Roweling thinks?
Ok, on with the pointlessness,
Blessed Be,
Andaren xxx
(Runs as J.K spots her and runs after her with a frying pan, enraged at the mutilation of her masterpiece) 0.0
Chapter Four - The Brolly Brawl
It is a little known fact that what occurs in the physical world can manifest itself in our dreams. For example, you may dream that you are walking beneath a waterfall only to wake up and find that the occupants of the flat above have left the bath running and completely flooded your bedroom.
It is not very surprising, therefore, that given the thunder going off like cannons overhead and the damp, dingy conditions of the hut, that Dudder Dursley dreamt that he was in a warzone that night. It is also not very surprising, given the torture that he had to go through at his callous cousin's hands, that Dudder utilised his dreams to achieve what he couldn't dream of achieving in the waking world ... revenge!
There he was, gun in hand, chasing an enimy soldier who just so happened to have Harry's face (complete with comical graffiti-style moustache and beard) through no-man's land, enjoying his hated bully's screams for mercy as gunfire roared all around them.
Dream Harry tried to dive for cover in a trench, only to find it suddenly filled with snakes that immediately tried to crush him. Harry yelled and started to throw grenades at Dudder, but they turned into creme eggs, which Dudder ate gleefully as the wriggling mass of serpents engulfed his cousin. Suddenly he found a grenade that had turned into a different kind of chocolate egg and opened the plastic container within to reveal a letter:
Dear Dudder,
I am pleased to inform you that your cousin, Harry, henceforth known as the condemned, has been sentenced to a lifetime in Gar Bidge's Home for Badly Conceived Characters (refered to, by some, as 'The Dump'). This is, as you know, a place full of rotten food, smelly teabags and the parts of meat that even the dog refuses to eat. Harry will, therefore, spend the rest of his life eating mouldy banana skins and having his feet chewed on by rodents. Therefore, I am happy to say, he will not be able to bother you ever again.
Have a pleasant dream,
Signed,
The Sandman x
P.S. The tanks taste especially good.
Dudder whooped with joy, danced a little jig and was just contemplating eating a nearby tank (which seemed to be made out of fudge-cake) when, suddenly...
BANG!
"Where's the cannon?" Dudder sat bolt upright and was a little disappointed to find himself back in the hut and that Harry was NOT in Gar Bidges Home for Badly Conceived Characters having his feet chewed on by rodents, but was currently sitting by a roaring fire, chewing on a piece of fudge-cake given to him by...
Dudder gaped.
Uncle Vernix came skidding into the room, a long package in his arms, aunt Petulant close behind him.
Uncle Vernix gaped.
Aunt Petulant gaped.
Dudder gaped some more.
Harry scowled.
"Keep the noise down, will you?" he said rudely.
"Who are you?" Uncle Vernix demanded, glaring at the giant, hairy figure sitting by the fire.
"Name's Hybrid," said Hybrid, "Come teh give 'Arry his birthday cake an' take 'im fer 'is school stuff, seein' as you lot won't do anythin' fer 'im." he glared at the Dursleys. "Luckily I'm rather good at parties - I can even do balloon animals, look!"
He snatched the long package out of uncle Vernix's hands and deftly twisted it into the shape of a giraffe.
"That was my gun!" squeaked uncle Vernix.
"Gun?" snorted Hybrid, "What d'yeh need a gun fer? Stupid Muddle! Gonna shoot 'Arry now, are yeh?" he glared some more, the Dursleys cringed. "Bet yeh haven't even told 'im how 'is parents died, have yeh?"
As it happened, the Dursleys had tried to explain to Harry just last year (they'd thought him too young to know before then) that his parents had been horribly murdered - but as Harry had been busy trashing their living room at the time, they weren't really sure just how much of it had sunk in.
Of course Harry, being Harry, wouldn't have told Hybrid this.
"Not a word," he said in his most pathetic voice, "not a word for eleven years. No matter how much I wanted to know about my parents, they wouldn't tell me a thing! Do you know what they said to me every time I wanted to know about my parents?"
"What?" Hybrid asked, giving Harry a pitying look.
"'Shut up and don't ask questions."
"YEH HEARTLESS GITS!" Hybrid roared (Harry had, at this point, burst into a fit of fake tears). The Dursleys cowered. "Well, don't worry 'Arry, I'll tell yeh.You've heard of 'He-Who-Must-Be-Shamed', righ'?"
"Er, no," said Harry.
"Well, his real name is Lord Moldy Shorts."
Everyone winced at the horribleness of the name.
"Yeah," said Hybrid apologetically, "not the writer's best idea. Anyway," he continued, "Yeh parents had been hiding from him for some time..."
"Why?" asked Harry.
"Cos everyone hides from him - no one likes him," said Hybrid.
"Why?" asked Harry.
"He stinks," said Hybrid.
"In what way?" asked Dudder.
"No one asked you to butt in, chubby!" snapped Hybrid, scowling, "I mean, he stinks - he smells like a mix between a sewer and a dump."
Dudder suddenly went rather quiet as he reminisced about his dream, imagining horrible Harry lying on top of a huge heap of rubbish, covered in...
"Anyway," continued Hybrid, "Some say he jus' wanted to make friends, others say he was after the washing powder yeh dad had nicked from him and refused to give back, whatever the reason, He-Who-Must-Be-Shamed came round to yeh house..."
"And murdered my parents?" Harry asked, "What did he use, an axe?"
"Er, no," said Hybrid.
"Gun?"
"No."
"Magic?"
"Actually, no," said Hybrid, "the fact of the matter is, 'Arry, that he didn't try to kill yeh parents at all."
"Then how'd they die?"
"Well, yeh see, yeh parents smelt him coming and panicked. Yeh dad tried to run and slipped on a banana peel - he hit his head on the floor."
"What about our Lilith?" squeaked Aunt Petulant, who had, contrary to popular belief, been rather fond of her sister.
"Like you'd care," Hybrid spat, "If you must know, Lord MoldyShorts (everyone winced), yeah, sorry - he followed yeh mum up to her room and she just kinda passed out from the smell."
"How come I didn't die?" Harry asked.
"Well, luckily you had a cold at the time," said Hybrid.
"But what if he tries to find me again?" asked Harry, "Dudder stinks enough - I don't want to meet an even smellier creep!"
"He won't," said Hybrid, "at least not for a while, yeh see, when the Ministry arrived at yeh house, they found Moldy unconscious on the floor."
"What? how?" asked aunt Petulant.
"Well, Harry had filled his nappy at the time," said Hybrid, "seems that he passed out from the smell."
There was silence as everyone tried to digest this rather disgusting fact.
"Anyway," said Hybrid, "best get goin' - we need to get yer school stuff before the start of term."
"Err," said Uncle Vernix nervously, "that won't be necissary, yeh see, he's already enrolled in Grims..."
"Are you implying," said Hybrid, bringing his face dangerously close to Uncle Vernix's, "that you don't want 'Arry to go to Half-Bored?"
"Err," said Uncle Vernix.
"Or that you don't think it necissary that he learns how to use his magic?"
"Err," said Uncle Vernix.
"Or maybe," said Hybrid, "you think Professor Doublebore is a halfwit incapable of adding two and two together?"
"Err," said Uncle Vernix.
"THAT DOES IT!" Roared Hybrid, "NO ONE INSULTS BULBOUS DOUBLEBORE INFRONT OF ME!" He swung his umbrella around, catching Uncle Vernix in the side of the face.
Uncle Vernix yelped and threw himself backwards as balls of blue light came out of the tip of Hybrid's brolly and flew over him. He grabbed his gun - sadly, still in the shape of a giraffe - and tried to hit the hairy giant with it, but somehow Hybrid leapt into the air and seemed to hover there in a ridiculous pose for a few seconds before falling and squashing Uncle Vernix flat. At the same time, an energy ball errupted from the brolly, hitting Dudder in the seat of the pants and revealing a curly, pig-like tail (in fact, he had been born with it - the spell had done little more than rip his clothes).
Dudder screamed.
Aunt Petulant screamed
Uncle Vernix Squeaked with pain.
Harry roared with laughter.
"Uh oh," said Hybrid, getting up and looking around him at the somewhat scorched hut and at Dudder, dancing around holding his pig tail, "I'm not suppos' to do magic! Quick, 'Arry, leg it before someone comes!"
They both left rapidly, leaving Aunt Petunia extreamly vexed, Dudder extremely embaressed and uncle vernix extremely flat.
Then, suddenly, the hut fell down around them.