Slant-Ways

The train was not only late, but shabby, dirty and crowded with an inordinate number of very angry looking people clearly intent on getting to work in the fastest way possible whilst managing, somehow, to keep their clothes perfectly clean and wrinkle free. Quite how they managed this, Harry didn't know; in the first few seconds of him boarding the train his clothes were ripped, his glasses broken and he had somehow managed to sit on three lots of discarded chewing gum and trodden in something that he thought – or at least hoped – must have once been a chocolate pudding.

Muttering darkly about the curses he would soon be able to unleash upon the great British transport system and its inconsiderate passengers, our hapless hero barged his way through everyone and squeezed into a seat. A lot of people were staring, but not at him – Hybrid was sitting next to him, knitting an oversized pink sweater whilst taking up three seats by himself, his bushy beard threatening to suffocate the small child who had had the misfortune to sit next to him.

"Gor yer letter, 'Arry?" Hybrid asked, turning the air blue with swearing as he realised that he had dropped a load of stitches and his sweater now looked more like a lumpy balaclava.

Harry pulled the now much crumpled, torn, stained and generally neglected letter out of his pocket and started to read:

HALF BORED SCHOOL OF WITCHCRAFT AND WIZARDRY

CLOTHING:

Robes, black

Pointy hat, black

Cloak, black

SET BOOKS:

Why vengeful magic is a bad idea– Ima Toad

A detailed account of magic through the ages – U.R. Sleeping

A guide to safe magic – Holin Ceiling

Plants and their properties – May B. Deadly

(Optional)

A guide to broom safety – Ronda Tree (though first years are reminded that they are NOT allowed broomsticks, so why you would want this book is anyone's guess!)

OTHER EQUIPTMENT:

1 wand (well, you're not going to get very far without one, are you?)

1 cauldron

Glass phials

Athames, pentacles, chalices and replicas of chosen gods and/or goddesses are optional, but that's another area of magic entirely!

Students may also bring an owl OR a cat OR a toad OR a rat OR a pygmy puff…

"Hey, wait a minute," said Harry, "I thought pygmy puffs didn't get invented till book…"

"Shh!" hissed Hybrid, "don't draw attention to it! The author's obviously hoping that no one will notice."

"Actually," booms the author's voice out of nowhere, "I'm trying to make a point about how nobody seems to observe the school rules. Now get on with the story before I kill you all!"

"You can't kill us!" said Harry, We're involved in at least five more books, so ner!" he stuck out his tongue rather rudely. The author's voice trailed away, muttering something about rude, good-for-nothing characters that should be issued with one-way tickets to the waste-paper basket as Harry and Hybrid return to the story…

…OR a giant hairy spider – or anything you like, really – go nuts!

Have a nice day!

The Half-Bored staff xxx

"Hey," said Harry, "Is there some secret place in London that only wizards can get into where we can buy this stuff?"

"Yer," said Hybrid, "But they're damned expensive, so we're going to go to an ordinary New-Age shop instead, then hit the pub!" looking pleased at this plan, Hybrid started to rise, got stuck in the seating, then caught sight of all the people staring at him.

"Wor?" he snapped, "Haven't yer ever seen a giant hairy man knitting a pink sweater that looks more like a lumpy balaclava whilst taking up three seats in a bus before?"

Some time later Harry was sitting in a very grotty pub, being served coke by an equally grotty barman, watching as Hybrid got steadily drunker and drunker.

"Don' hic know about you, 'Arry," Hybrid slurred after a while, "But that lady's startin' to look real pretty!"

"That's not a lady, it's a gargoyle," Harry said, looking around at the somewhat cosmopolitan occupants of the pub with interest. The gargoyle Harry was referring to suddenly burst into tears, stamped its foot and shrieked in a very feminine voice:

"Well some of us can't help what we look like!" before racing out of the pub as fast as her stumpy legs would permit. Several non-magical people out in the street screamed as she raced past them, reducing her to further hysterics – which made the muddles scream more, which made her scream more, which started a riot.

"Say, Hybrid," Harry said, ignoring the chaos he had just caused, "Why is this pub called 'Slant-ways', anyway?"

Hybrid let out a huge belch, went cross-eyed and slipped sideways off his barstool, landing with a resounding THUDD that shook the entire pub. He lay there, snoring abominably, whilst Harry sneakily pinched what was left of his pint and proceeded to get drunk himself on the contents of the Hybrid-sized flagon.

"W-w-what's g-g-oing on h-h-here?" asked a quivering voice from somewhere over Harry's shoulder. Harry hiccupped and glared through bleary eyes at what looked at first to be an enormous mushroom with eyes, but turned out, upon squinting, to be a very nervous looking man wearing a turban.

From somewhere on the floor, Hybrid roused.

"'LO SQUIGGLE … AH MEAN, SQUIRRAL!" Hybrid bellowed – why he bellowed was anyone's guess, but 'Squirrel' jumped so high in the air that his turban brushed the ceiling, dislodging a multitude of spiders.

"W… w … what are you d…d…doing here, H…H…Hybrid?" Squirrel stuttered, "Y…you're supposed to be p…p…picking up H…H…Harry Plotholes!"

"GOR 'IM 'ERE!" Hybrid bellowed, sending Squirrel on a second trip to the ceiling, "GOR 'IM 'ERE!" he added for good measure, once again sending Squirrel skywards.

"Y…y…you shouldn't have b…b…brought him in here Hybrid," Squirrel said, rearranging his rather squashed turban, "He's t…to young t…to be in a p…p…pub."

Harry suddenly let out a rather loud belch and slipped sideways off his stool, his glasses skewed across his face.

"H…h…he's DRUNK H…Hybrid!" stuttered a scandalised Squirral, "DRUNK! D…D…Doublebore won't be pleased when he finds out that y…you brought him h…h…here! WE'RE not even s…s…supposed to be in here, w…what were you thinking?"

"AH THINK!" Hybrid roared, sending Squirrel skywards once more, "ah think the better question is what are you doing here?"

Squirrel went red and muttered something incomprehensible.

"AH THINK!" Hybrid roared, Squirrel flew, "Ah think yeh've been shoplifting again, yeh've got somethin' stashed in yer turban an' yeh've ducked in 'ere to avoid the muddle police!"

Squirrel muttered something else, going bright red as he brushed spiders off his turban, which made a suspicious clinking sound as he brushed it.

"Y…yes, well, p…p…perhaps Doublebore d…d…doesn't need to know a…about either of us being here. P…p…perhaps I could j…just buy you a d…drink and w…w…we can forget all about this?"

"NOW YEH TAL.KIN'!" Hybrid roared – Squirrel flew.

"NOW YOU'RE HIC TALKING!" Roared Harry – Squirrel flew again and this time actually smashed through the ceiling before falling and smashing through the floor, also.

In the room above a hooked-nosed, sallow-skinned man named Snivellous Snipe glanced out of the shower to see what all the noise was about, saw the hole in the floor, shrugged and shut the shower door again.

"Hey, hic," said Hybrid, peering down into the second hole Squirrel had made and in which he was still lying flat on his back, "Are you alrigh'?"

"I…I think," Squirrel stuttered, "I…I think I just saw S…S…Snipe WASHING HIS HAIR!"

"Must 'ave banged 'is head," Hybrid snorted, "washing his hair indeed! There's more grease in that man's hair than in a deep fat fryer! HAH!"

WOOSH! Squirrel was once again involuntarily impersonating a rocket. He shot up through the same hole he had made earlier, this time seeing Snipe as he came out of the shower, and was unconscious from the sheer horror of it by the time he was once again lying in the hole in the bar floor. A full bottle of wine fell out of his turban and Hybrid promptly snatched it.

"Gonna be out fer a while," he reasoned, "Shame to let it get warm and go to waste, eh, 'Arry!"

Harry hiccupped in response and held out his goblet. He didn't remember much about what happened after that – except that he had passed out at some point after the dancing pink elephants, all wearing strange, balaclava-like jumpers, had left the pup.

Somehow, when he woke up, he was back in Privet Drive, his glasses askew and with Squirrel's turban jammed over his head. Nagini was coiled up on his bed, a large lump visible in her long body and several feathers strewn around her.

Harry suddenly realised that he had forgotten to thank Hybrid for his birthday present.