Chapter 2 Used To Be

Susie had got Alex's call as well. But she was harder to convince. More than anyone else, the past three years had turned Susie Raynor into a different person. And she could never go back to what she was in Mt Thomas. It just wasn't possible. So she said no straight away when Alex suggested she spend Christmas catching up at the ancient Imperial Hotel. The thought of facing her old colleagues, the ones who still thought she was in the job, who assumed she was a sergeant, who envied her her looks and figure, was too much to even contemplate. Because she wasn't that same person anymore. And it was best for everyone concerned if they never knew. What good would it do? It'd just drag the team down. She didn't want to spoil their Christmas.

"Suse," Alex sounded concerned and very taken aback. "I thought you'd be the first person to say yes," she shuffled uncomfortably in her seat, hoping her mobile phone would not disturb the quiet humming of the machines she was connected up to.

She didn't know what to answer. Ordinarily she would have been the first to say yes, but she couldn't go back now, not now. Imagine the looks she'd get, and the questions they'd ask! "I'm sorry Alex," she said, trying to sound defiant. "I won't be able to make it. I already have plans," she lied, gritting her teeth as she felt her headache from the morning make its presence felt again. She cradled the phone in between her ear and her shoulder and rubbed at her forehead with her free hand. Tiredness came so often these days and so blanketed her with amazing speed. Suddenly she barely had the strength to keep listening.

But Alex kept trying to convince her. She listened silently for five straight minutes as he chatted on and on about who was coming and what he had planned and how much he was looking forward to catching up with the old gang. It made her heart break. She wanted to catch up with everyone as well – three years was a long time between drinks – but it just wasn't possible. "I'm sorry Alex," she said again, closing her eyes briefly as she spoke.

If I stopped lying I'd just disappoint you

As she hung up she felt a huge sense of guilt. Why couldn't she tell her friends the real reason? Why couldn't she confide in them, when once upon a time she trusted them with her life and they all lived in each others pockets? Three years really was a lifetime, as short as three years might seem. She sighed a heavy sigh and swallowed hard to force the lump in her throat back down. Resting her head back on the headrest, she closed her eyes and just moments later felt the nurse's hand on her arm. "Almost done darl," she said kindly, giving Susie's hand a pat.

Every week Kelly O'Rourke took a little detour on her patrol route to pass Tom Croydon's place. Every week she hoped that the trip would be worth the petrol. Maybe he would be outside…or in the garden…or taking a walk. But he never was. She always hoped to see him, but she never did. Didn't stop her from hoping though, and that was what made her drive past every week.

St Davids wasn't that far from Mt Thomas so it was not like it was a huge trip. It convinced her even more that there was no harm in taking her detour. The probationary constable she always did Friday afternoon patrol with had stopped asking why and Kelly was glad. How could one possibly explain the respect people felt for Tom Croydon? How could she possibly explain the friendship they shared? Or once shared, as the case may be…he was never in the garden, or on the verandah, and the weeds looked longer every week.

Falcon Price had poached Kelly from Mt Thomas just under three years ago. She had been hesitant to leave – the place really felt like home, and it was where her friends and her beloved Boss all lived – but the inspector was very convincing. And then Amy and Jonesy took off for Melbourne, Susie disappeared somewhere between Frankston and the Mornington Peninsula and Matt rejoined the army. Everyone was leaving anyway, so she said yes to the inspectors offer, packed her things and settled into St Davids as best she could, determined to make a whole bunch of new friends. And she was certainly busy enough to keep herself occupied, but she still heard through the grapevine about the rest of the old team. Joss gave up on the job – something she'd really seen coming for a long time – and proceeded to spend close to a year not doing much of anything, and unsuccessfully trying to get back on his feet, financially and otherwise.

She occasionally saw Alex around the traps – he was still in the job at least, and worked at the lonely one man station they'd re opened for the hundredth time at Widgeree. They would sit down and have a chin wag if and when they ever saw each other, which was usually at least once a week. But she was often turned off because of Rhiannon – that girl just rubbed her the wrong way. But she didn't say so. It wasn't her place.

It wasn't her place to disagree with the inspector either, now her direct superior, but he was someone she couldn't bear to call Boss. That was reserved for one man only. But she was so totally under his thumb now that she shuddered to think what everyone would say when they met up for Christmas. She was bracing herself already for the jabs and jeers and the shocked laughs at her expense.

It was never really where she planned to go, but three years ago when everything changed, she wasn't quite sure what to do for a while there. And the position had come up – with a strong chance of a speedy promotion – and so she just took it, thinking it'd be good for her career. Huh, good for her career maybe, not for her reputation. But she did the job, and still relatively enjoyed it. What more could a cop ask for? Constables bowed down to her nowadays and took her orders, and she no longer had to clean up vomit from the cells or pull over cyclists without helmets. She'd finally outgrown the bum job stage. Sometimes though, she still longed for the crazy days with Joss and the way they made everything a competition, eager to impress all senior constables and sargeants, and the one and only Boss. Those were the days. When you still had a million things to learn and you lived for it.

We were young and so inspired

We weren't the only ones who thought we'd change the world

The St Davids station was bigger, brighter and busier than Mt Thomas had ever been, but it lacked something at Christmas that Kelly really missed. The inspectors enthusiasm for Kelly's ability in the job did not extend to her love of decorating the office with tinsel in December. The place was as bleak as could be. December 22 could not come fast enough.

As Amy packed her things away later that afternoon, she took everything at a slower pace. Her thoughts drifted all the way back to Mt Thomas and the circumstances in which she'd last left it. That had to have been why it was Evan that called her up and invited her up for Christmas – Alex still remembered what had happened between them, and probably didn't have the balls to ring her himself. To be fair she didn't have the balls to talk to him. So they were even. Would going back to Mt Thomas for Christmas make things even worse between them? Were they bad to begin with? Or was it just a stupid mistake?

"Amy!" she could hear the shout in the distance. It was Alex. She was wondering when he would come. She thought he'd forgotten, and actually felt a little hurt about it, as weird as that seemed. Why should she even care whether he came to see her off or not? He was just another uniform that she worked with. They were all the same…pretty much. Why did missing out on a goodbye from Alex suddenly mean so much to her?

She shoved the last of her boxes into the boot and slammed down the hatch, turning around, a sad smile on her face. This was the last person she had to say goodbye to. After that, she was going. The end of Mt Thomas.

He ran until he was about ten metres in front of her, then slowed to just a walk, his hands in his pockets and suddenly looking like he didn't want to get too close. They stood in front of each other for a few awkward moments, quickly realising just how little they'd gotten to know each other in the time they'd worked together. Now there was no time left.

"I just wanted to say goodbye," he whispered into his hands, unable to look at her. It wasn't the Alex Kirby she knew…the joker, the best friend of Evan Jones, the immature twat. She studied him critically. What was going on? He looked up, and studied her face just as critically. He'd never said to her all the things he meant to. And now he would never get the chance. But she looked like she didn't even care. He was just another colleague she was farewelling before heading off to the bright lights of the big city.

Amy didn't know what to say. 'Goodbye to you too?' it sounded so pathetic. Before she had a chance to think anymore about it though, he pulled her into a tight hug, and she was suddenly pressed against his chest in a desperate embrace. She looked over his shoulder and past him with wide eyes as he held her for just a few seconds. Then he pulled away and their faces lingered so close for a moment and she could see in his eyes he was thinking of what to do. Memories of what happened with PJ when he left came flooding back, and she was afraid it would turn out worse than that.

But he didn't kiss her. Like PJ, he just left a warm mark on her cheek and walked away. Somehow, it was worse. Had she wanted him to kiss her? Would that have put to rest everything they'd never realised they needed to say to each other? It was odd – she'd never felt anything even remotely personal for him up until that very moment. It was disappointing. But he walked away and she got in her car and drove out of Mt Thomas.

More than a year later Evan called her, and told her Alex was getting married, and that she was invited. Amy nearly fell off the chair, and the farewell moment they had shared felt like just yesterday. She couldn't imagine him ever being married. Not Alex Kirby. But that's what Evan was telling her. And she actually went. It was almost a guilt thing – she felt like she had to go. He'd been kind enough to invite her to his wedding, he obviously thought something of her. It would've been rude to refuse the invitation.

But it killed her to be there. She sat beside people she didn't know, in a church she'd never been to, and watched Alex marry Rhiannon. It didn't feel right. It wasn't because she wanted him for herself. Amy Fox didn't think of Alex that way. But whatever she would allow herself to feel, they'd still shared something in the carpark that day. Had he forgotten? How could he have? He initiated it! And now he was getting married to some random girl who'd never been out of the district but thought she was as good as any high flying female executive from Melbourne? She sat like a stone during the ceremony, wanting to be anywhere but there, and did the same during the reception. The moment soon came when the newlyweds chatted with their guests.

Alex walked up to Amy at the only time during the night where she was sitting alone. Great, she thought, rolling her eyes at her annoying stroke of bad luck. She couldn't even smile at him, but he sat down beside her anyway, and shuffled his chair closer.

"Congratulations," she managed to whisper, trying her hardest to sound normal and unfeeling.

Alex responded with a look in his eyes that spoke volumes of what he wouldn't say out loud. "Thanks," he plastered a smile on his face and succeeded in tricking Amy into thinking he was happy. He turned his eyes over to Rhiannon on the other side of the room and grinned. "Hot stuff isn't she?" he laughed.

Hot stuff? Amy studied her from across the room. She was svelte and confident, pretty and glowing. This was her wedding night though, why wouldn't she? But she looked so material. Blonde and skinny, she wasn't the type of woman Amy thought Alex usually went for. It convinced her ten fold just how much he would never be interested in someone like her then. Amy could only nod in response to his question though, not able to say it out loud.

And with that, he flitted off to greet his other guests, and left Amy to sit by herself, not seeming to care that he might've hurt her feelings, too caught up in the excitement of being married to the sexiest girl in Mt Thomas.

You'll never see me fall apart