Chapter 5 A Ticket To Anywhere

Evan drove along the highway silently, not even the radio playing in his truck. As soon as he'd hopped into the car that afternoon, he was eager to get to his destination. No plans for Christmas and it would just be another day at the office. Another Christmas in the trenches. That wasn't going to happen this year. He was going back to catch up with the old crew. And it felt good as he drove.

It had been a good 8 months since he'd been in Mt Thomas, but he knew the road well. Well enough to just drive, and let his mind wonder at the same time. He wondered who would be there when he arrived and what he would say to them. It suddenly occurred to him that he should've prepared something to say earlier and panicked, he took a few quick sharp breaths in, trying to gather his thoughts. He had nothing worthy to say, nothing to boast about…whatever would he say in answer to everyone's questions? What would he say to Amy? To Tom? To Suse? He felt like a failure, and almost turned around and went back to Melbourne.

But he didn't. Instead, he wound down the window and let the fresh night air tingle at his face as he drove on, closer and closer to Mt Thomas with every sign he passed. Out the window, the roadsides turned dustier and greener, the closer he got to the country and the stars finally became visible in the night sky. You could never see stars in the sky in the city – it was something he missed about country life.

Star light, shine bright

See me through the dark night

Finally, just before 7pm, Evan's truck rumbled into the Imperial Hotel's carpark. He stretched as he jumped out of the car and set his feet firmly on the ground. He couldn't help but smile – it was good to be back. He power walked inside, eager to see the crew Alex had promised. The same familiar smells and sounds echoed from the pub and Evan walked inside without hesitation, only to be greeted with the same scene he so fondly remembered. And there, parked in the corner table by the dart board were Alex and Rhiannon Kirby.

Alex saw Evan as soon as he entered the bar and lurched himself happily out of his chair and away from his pucker faced wife to greet his best friend. They slammed chests hard as they hugged and patted each other on the back, unaware of how much the both needed to see each other.

"Jonesy!" Alex cheered, the way he always did when they hadn't seen each other for a while.

"Good to see ya mate," Evan replied, thumping his shoulder candidly as they both made their way over to the table Rhiannon still remained seated at. Alex pulled out a chair for his mate, and they both took a seat, Evan finally making eye contact with Alex's wife. "How are you Rhiannon?" he asked, almost calling her Rhi, but deciding against it at the last second. Nicknames were reserved for people you knew well, Evan thought to himself. And that was not Rhiannon.

She gave him a blank, bored stare in reply and spoke as if it were a huge inconvenience. "Yeah…fine," she answered, raising her perfectly manicured eyebrows at him, as if challenging him to ask another question, just so that she could beat him down again.

Evan turned away quickly, mortified at her rudeness. To avoid another awkward moment he got up and headed to the bar, beckoning Alex to follow him. Alex was only to happy to oblige, putting on a front that he hoped looked genuine. Together the two men leant on the bar and waited for Chris to have a spare moment to notice their return to the old watering hole they'd spent so many memorable years frequenting, back in the day.

"So tell me again why you married her?" Evan asked quietly, leaning in towards Alex and nudging his side with his elbow. He stared intently at Alex, more confused than ever as to why his best mate and this unfeeling blonde had gotten hitched. He had never really warmed to Rhiannon, but he could never say that to Alex. He did his duty as a mate and was the best man. It wasn't his place to speak of his dislike of the girl.

Alex exhaled, uneasy for the slightest of seconds as he tried to think of an excuse to change the subject. An expression came over his face just a moment later that fooled Evan surprisingly easily. With a roll of his eyes and a wave of his hand Alex succeeded in making Evan think his marriage to Rhiannon was still on stable ground. But he still hadn't changed the subject, something that would take the heat completely off his personal life. Luckily for Alex, Evan unknowingly changed it for him.

"You know what," he began, a sad tone entering his voice all of a sudden. "I haven't seen Suse since your wedding!" he seemed saddened and disgusted with himself at the same time, a sort of wistful sentiment that seemed out of place in the buzzing Imperial Hotel on a Friday night.

Alex cringed inwardly, and as he tried to hide his face from his best friend, knowing it would give away the bad news, Evan nudged him in the ribs yet again, harder this time. He regarded Alex with narrow eyes, knowing he hadn't told him the whole story. "She's still coming right?" he asked, suspicious.

Alex sighed, knowing he didn't have the energy, or the heart, to lie to his friend. "Sorry mate," he began, feeling nothing short of awful. "She can't make it," he revealed, wincing as he spoke.

Evan stood up straight at the bar and gave Alex's shoulder a shove, annoyed. "You said everyone was coming!" he said, dismayed and hurt. Everyone meaning Susie, he thought to himself. She was the only one who mattered. He came back here because he thought she'd be here too, and maybe they could mend some bridges.

"I know I know," Alex replied, rubbing at his temples. Getting the gang back together had been harder than he'd anticipated. "I tried to get her to come Jonesy!" he pleaded. "But she flat refused!" he shrugged his shoulders, still miffed at the way Susie had spoken to him on the phone that day. She hadn't sounded at all like the Susie he knew. He shrugged his shoulders again at Evan, trying to get his point across. "Said she had other plans," he looked confused at his friend, and they both tried to picture what Susie could possibly have in mind for the Christmas break. They knew she wasn't married. They knew she was still in the job. Her parents lived miles away. Why wouldn't she want to come back to Mt Thomas? Didn't she miss them too?

When Amy got home on Thursday night, December 21, she flung her briefcase into the corner of her bedroom, eyeing it angrily. God it was Christmas, so why was there always more work to do around this time? Didn't she deserve a bit of time off too?

She flopped onto the bed and sighed, linking her hands behind her head. Maybe she should stay in Melbourne over the break and try to get ahead in all the mountains of work? Maybe she didn't need a holiday? The possibilities turned over in her mind. It would be nice to spend Christmas like it was actually Christmas for once. It'd be good to get away from the city…sometimes it went too fast for her liking. It didn't have pace and that casual, easy feeling that the country did.

She lifted herself onto her elbows and scanned her eyes around her bedroom, taking it all in. It was so lifeless. Totally lacking character, it contained little more than a bed, a closet, a side table and an armchair. When she'd moved in she hadn't felt like she needed anything else. Simplicity was always her middle name. But looking around at it now, the same way she had looked at it for three years, it suddenly looked unbelievably boring. And lifeless. Lifeless most of all. She had nothing to show for three years of living in this place. When had she lost all her individuality? When had she started to let her work lead her life for her?

Bothered, she got up and padded out of the room, determined to see character in other parts of her flat. She walked down the hallway and into the living room and flung herself onto the couch, scanning her eyes around her humble abode. Giving a quiet gasp she realised it was just like her bedroom. It said nothing about her. It was boring and lifeless. Her life had been this way in this city. What was she still doing here?

Later that night, as she wandered home from the takeaway on the corner, she made a decision. Christmas would be just like any other day if she stayed in Melbourne. She had to get away…at least for a while. She packed a suitcase when she got home, set it at the front door, and went to bed early, setting her alarm for 8am the next day.

Mt Thomas was waiting for her.

Any place is better

Started from zero, got nothing to lose

Friday, December 22, was the day Alex had told Tom Croydon to meet with him and the rest of the old crew at the Imperial for a drink that night. Alex promised he would be there early to greet them, whatever time they wanted to rock up.

With little else to do during the day, Tom actually ventured outside and sat on the verandah with Fridays Gazette. He sat and read solidly for an hour, reading the paper from cover to cover. As he read, the tiniest part of his brain wondered though. He should have had a Blue Heeler lying by his feet, a slobbery tennis ball in its mouth, ready to go the moment he rose from the chair. But there was no dog at his feet, and it felt so odd. Even after all these years without Digger, it still felt weird not having him around.

The back page now embedded into his brain, Tom let the paper fall to his feet in a pile of shabby greying pages. Squinting, he looked out at his front garden. It wasn't far to the fence…not really much to keep up. But it still looked terrible. Weeds choked the few flowers that poked up from the earth, and the grass was at least knee height. When had it got so bad? He could barely see the footpath that lead up to the verandah steps!

He sighed…gardening just didn't seem interesting enough these days. But looking out on the jungle right then he was disgusted at his lack of effort and immediately got up to gather some tools to at least try to make the place look presentable. As he walked down the side of the house to the back shed he remembered back to when Susan and Anna were kids. The grass never had the chance to grow knee height then, because the girls and their friends constantly trampled it down with bicycles, rollerskates, rolly pollys, hand stands and games of chasey. The flowers that the girls planted with their mother bloomed brightly, random patches of colour everywhere…and the girls loved it. They always said it was like a rainbow in the front yard. He smiled at the thought.

Two hours later he felt a sense of achievement. The lawn was mowed for the first time in months, and he could almost hear the squealing of the girls and their friends again as they played after school. Determined still, Tom settled onto a mat and began pulling out the weeds that were flooding onto the footpath that lead to the verandah. Later he would clean it up even more with the edge cutter.

Ignoring the pain in his back and knees, Tom continued all afternoon, pulling up weeds, and giving the petunias and daisies a new lease on life. As he worked, he allowed the sweet musky smell of the wattle from the house next door lace his nostrils. It was a smell he not only remembered from his daughters childhoods, but also his own. He worked diligently, not even noticing the cars that drove past occasionally, until he began to feel the bite of mosquitoes on his arms. Dusting off his knees and dragging the mat behind him and back onto the verandah, he made his way inside to have a shower and prepare to go for that drink Alex had promised.

December 21. Susie pretended she had forgotten the date of the get together in Mt Thomas, just so that she wouldn't feel guilty about not going. But it was always in the back of her mind. She knew that by dinner time tomorrow everyone but her would be back in Mt Thomas, sharing a Christmas drink and catching up. She missed being there already. How she longed to go back. How she longed to find the right words to tell them all what was wrong with her.

Even the best fall down sometimes

She was grateful at least that another day at the hospital was over. She wouldn't have to go back until after Christmas now. It was a relief off her shoulders. Now she could just sit at home and watch tv with Tigger, the cat she had adopted when she had moved to Langara. They could work their way through all the videos at the local video store, because she knew her replacement at the station wouldn't let her lift a finger to help him with any sort of police work that needed to be done. Not that there would be much anyway. Langara was worse than Widgeree.

As she showered that night, washing away the awful smell and feeling of the hospital that lingered on her skin, she succumbed to the weakness that often enveloped her and sat down in the shower chair that the doctor had insisted she place in the shower a few weeks ago. It annoyed her – made her feel even more like an invalid – but there were some days when she was grateful to be able to sit down. Everything these days was an effort. But she refused to believe it was because she was getting closer to the inevitable.

"…It's closer than you may think Susie…"

Later, she settled onto the coach and Tigger immediately jumped up and snuggled in beside her. She flicked on the television, but twice through all the channels she discovered there was nothing on. But she left the set on anyway, for some normal sound to keep her from daydreaming. As the late news mumbled quietly from the glowing television, Susie remembered back to that Tuesday. It wasn't something she wanted to keep going over, but even after all this time, it was hard to forget, and it was often on her mind when she was alone, because alone time always gave her too much time to contemplate.

"…but you hear everyday of people recovering from this right?..."

Susie's mind briefly drifted back to when she was 14. It was a good year for the Raynor family as a whole. The boys won their footy premiership…her father was promoted…Susie went for, and got, prefect at school…and Aunty Bree recovered. That Christmas had been one of the best she remembered – they'd toasted each other over a big Christmas feast and celebrated their good fortune of that year right through from Christmas Eve until New Years. It made Susie smile. And now, looking back on it, Aunty Bree's recovery was what stuck in her mind the most. She had beaten this retched disease, and she was still alive today to tell the tale.

"…it's just so advanced Susie…I'm sorry…"

Given a few months, would Susie still be alive to tell her tale as well? Would her friends ever know the truth about her?

I'm supposed to be the soldier who never blows his composure
Even though I hold the weight of the whole world on my shoulders
I am never supposed to show it, my crew ain't supposed to know it

"We taking the usual route back today?" Sarah asked shyly, as they both got back into the car after they'd packed up their equipment from the roadside. Another day of catching speeding motorists was over.

Kelly nodded sombrely, briefly wondering why she forever remained so hopeful that she would see Tom Croydon out and about. He never was. But yet she went past every Friday afternoon anyway. Maybe one day things would change.

Sarah took a deep breath and prepared to ask her big question of the day to her superior. "Would it be ok if I went into the milk bar and bought a paper while you went past the Senior Sargeants place?" she asked, fully expecting to be knocked back and reprimanded. She rushed on to compensate, just in case. "It's just that my sister had a baby on Monday and the notice should be in the paper today and I just wanted to have a look…"

Kelly nodded, patting her young rookie on the knee. When had she turned into a senior constable that the young ones feared? Was she really that hard on them? As a probationary herself, back in Mt Thomas, she'd always promised herself she'd never be that way – she'd be a friend to her colleagues. They'd all be equal. "Of course Sar," Kelly smiled. "I'll come back and pick you up in ten ok?" Sarah grinned, ecstatic at the opportunity to get away from what was such a boring ritual that seemed to mean so much to her colleague. She bounded out of the car and across the street to the milk bar as Kelly cruised on down the street.

Taking the familiar streets on her way to Tom's house, Kelly kneaded the steering wheel as she drove. Why did she bother? He was never…

There he was. He was actually outside. Kelly gasped, and the car swerved as she forgot about driving for a second. He knelt on a tartan picnic blanket and yanked at the weeds that choked his flowers. Kelly was so shocked that she had to pull over and stop the car for a few moments. It had been a good year and a half since she had even seen him. Work and some form of social life always prevented catch ups and while she did make the effort to drive past his place every week, never did she expect to actually see him one day, after so long of not seeing him. She leant onto the steering wheel and just watched him – the man she had looked up to her entire life – as he pulled at the weeds and dug at the earth with his gloved hands. Glimmers of the old Tom Croydon were still there somewhere, even if on the outside he looked like a lonely old man who had nothing to live for anymore. It bought a tear to Kelly's eye, and she covered her mouth to hold down the sob that threatened to escape from her throat.

When her father was killed, he was the one who was there for her. Never a replacement, but always a friend. How could she let such a friendship go? She decided right then that she would always be apart of Uncle Tom's life, no matter how much he didn't want her there.