Chapter 8 Recoiling

Susie tossed and turned on the night of December 22. She was plagued with the images of her friends all meeting up again, and catching up on each others lives. She always imagined herself as being there with them. Even after she was diagnosed, she didn't think she would hide away like she was right now. But time changes people. Above all things, that was what Susie had realised the most in the last three years.

She lay in a hot sweat bought on by the heat of the evening and her condition. It never failed to make her feel retched. But she always struggled on. She always fought her own battles. She always had. She fought for that prefect position, just like her brothers had fought for the premiership, her father had fought for his promotion and Aunty Bree had fought through her tough times. Susie admired them all. She might die trying, but she was still going to try.

She laid on her side and looked out the window. She couldn't see very far, so it didn't provide much of a distraction and so she found herself thinking of the gathering she knew would be going on right at this moment in the pub. They would be sitting around the table, laughing and joking, downing beer after beer, and catching up on old times. How she longed to be there with them. But they could never understand. She could never go back. What would they think? She had effectively lied to them all for two years now.

It was 9:30pm and she was nowhere near sleep, and so didn't mind when her mobile buzzed on the side table. Lighting up the room, the phone sang a merry tune informing her she had a message. She picked it up and read the message silently, wondering who it could be, even though she should've already guessed.

"Suse, was hoping you'd come tonight. It's not the same without you here mate."

Of course it was Evan. Who else would it be? But she placed the phone back on the side table and went to sleep without replying to his message. It was Evan she could tell her secret to least of all.

The next morning dawned bright in Evan's Imperial room. He'd forgotten what it felt like to wake up with the sunlight piercing him in the eye through the curtains. He'd had years of waking up that way, but in the city, the lifeless cold city, it didn't happen. Not in his flat anyway. But today the sunlight made him smile. He didn't know what he was going to do with the day, but he was eager for it to get started, and so threw back the sheets and padded down the hall to the bathrooms.

Two hours later he was so bored he was washing dishes for Chris in the kitchen of the Imperial. He couldn't believe it. Alex had organised this shin dig, why weren't they all doing stuff together? Not that Evan really wanted to spend his entire Christmas break with Rhiannon, but he had been so looking forward to seeing all the gang and having a real Christmas relax. But this morning they had all scattered, and Evan didn't even know where to look to find them, as small as this town was.

By late afternoon though, they were all there and gathered once again in the bar. Kelly sat and chatted to himself and Alex as much as she could manage after a failed attempt to be kind to Alex's wife and include her in their Christmas drinks. Evan rolled his eyes at Rhiannon – what a snob. She wasn't right for Alex at all. How could he have married her? What a mistake! Alex didn't usually make mistakes that large, so Evan knew he was nothing short of miserable. But he had little idea of how to help his friend.

As Kelly chattered away, Amy wondered in, her arms laiden with shopping bags – an unusual sight on somebody like Miss Fox. But he smiled at her anyway and she indicated she would be two minutes, flurrying upstairs to put her bags away and then walking back into the public bar. She eyed Alex briefly, and sat as far away from him as she could manage without it looking obvious. She took a seat beside Kelly, who was more than happy to have another female perspective inputted into her conversation and soon Amy was enveloped into Kelly's grand speech about women drivers. But Evan noticed the way she avoided looking at Alex, or Rhiannon. She occasionally smiled at him, a brief I miss you smile, like the old friends they were, but she made no effort to do the same with Alex. Evan smelt a rat, but he was distracted from this instantly when he cast his eyes over the entire group as they sat there in the bar. It was just like old times. They were all together again. But Susie still wasn't there. So the night wasn't complete. He feared she was not coming at all. The night before when he had sent her a text message he had hoped feverishly that it would convince her to make the trip and see them all. But no reply had come. He'd considered calling, but decided if she wasn't going to answer a text message she certainly wasn't going to answer a telephone call. So he had gone to bed with her on his mind.

He shoved out his chair and excused himself from the table. He couldn't help it - he was going to message her again. He walked out into the quietness of the foyer where the staircase stood silently and plopped himself down on the second last step. Digging his phone out of his pocket he carefully wrote the message, being careful not to sound harsh or needy. But it didn't really come out as well as he'd hoped.

Where are you Suse? We really were hoping you'd come! Please make the trip…I'd like to see you. Evan.

It sounded pathetic, but he pressed the send button anyway. What did he have to lose? The worse that would happen is that she wouldn't come.

"Jonesy?" Amy wondered over to him. Her hands in her pockets she stood in front of him and looked down at his slouched stature on the stairs. "What are you doing?" she asked, a tiny smile on her lips, the kind she always wore when she knew she was ranked higher than he was and could therefore be the better cop.

"Oh nothing…" he replied quietly, truly disheartened that it had taken now two text messages and still the one person he truly wanted there more than anyone else to spend Christmas with probably wasn't going to come. "Just sent Suse a message."

"She's not coming is she?" Amy asked quietly, finally cottoning onto how awful Evan was feeling. She sat down beside him and, completely out of character, put an arm around his shoulders. He just stared at the floor between his feet and sighed as he replied.

"Nah, I don't think she is."

Rhiannon climbed out of the passenger seat in her clacky heels that scraped at the rocky gravel carpark surface. "Where were you last night Alex?" she asked suspiciously, glaring at him across the top of the car as he exited the drivers seat. "You were gone for ages…I had to wait at Elle's for such a long time!" she was so angry, and it made Alex boil over with anger also.

"Christ Rhi!" he exclaimed. "I was just catching up with the guys!" he sounded exasperated as he finished his sentence before walking towards the Imperial entrance.

Rhiannon folded her arms across her chest in unwilling defeat. She sighed a snobby sigh and walked ahead of Alex into the hotel. "Yeah well don't expect me to stay here with you all night again tonight buster!" she proclaimed. And with a swing of her hips she entered the hotel and walked right up to the bar, snapping her fingers rudely at Chris to get her attention. Rolling his eyes Alex walked right past her and settled at the opposite end of the bar where Jonesy sat miserably tearing apart a coaster.

"What's up with her?" Evan asked, not even lifting his head to look at Alex.

"Oh buggered if I know," came the reply as two beers were set in front of them. They cried into their glasses again until Kelly showed up and they all gathered around the same table they had the night before for more reminiscing and story telling. "…he still messages me every week…" she explained to the guys, trying hard to maintain their attention spans. IT wasn't working very well though, and later when Amy walked in and joined them at their table he noticed that she chose the seat furtherest from his. Alex leant back in his chair and sighed, rubbing at his temples. How had they suddenly stopped being friends? Had a few garbled sentences in the carpark that probably revealed a little bit too much ruined it all? Now she wouldn't even look at him. He sighed again and then watched as Rhiannon strutted out of the bar, annoyed that so little attention was being paid in her direction. She farewelled Alex with an uncaring flick of her hand and walked back into the night. Alex would have to walk home. Another sigh.

As he agonised over the state of his marriage yet again in his mind, his best mate excused himself, looking drearier than ever. Alex watched as Jonesy walked away, his head down and his hands in his pockets. Funnily enough it wasn't the way he'd imagined someone from Homicide would walk. Pondering this he turned back to the table and rested his elbows on the wood finish as he watched the two women before him chatter away. It was a totally different Amy too, and as he watched he got the distinct feeling that she was only talking so much to Kelly so that she wouldn't have to talk to him. This was not the way he had pictured the gathering turning out. What had happened to them? They never used to be like this.

Finally, she couldn't take it any longer and went to find Jonesy. Kelly and Alex stared at each other and tried to think of something to say. "Rhiannon left has she?" Kelly asked finally after a few awkward seconds. Alex nodded sombrely in answer and decided to call it a night himself. He got up and leant on the table, downing the last of his beer. "Can I scab a lift Kel?" he asked, embarrassed at the situation his wife had left him in. She nodded kindly in reply. Like Tom Croydon, there was nothing she wouldn't do for this man. He had once been her superior, and she would always look up to him.

Together they walked out of the hotel and into the cool night air.

Kelly was curious. Alex was married, and so why did it look like he didn't want to be? As he sat in the passenger seat of her car she broached the question to him, tensing up through her shoulders as she spoke, in fear she might be beaten down for asking such a personal question. "So what is up with Rhiannon?" she asked quietly as they drove back to Widgeree.

Alex shrugged his shoulders at her, not knowing how to explain his dire situation. How could he possibly explain that his marriage was a mess and that he possibly had feelings for a former colleague, a colleague that did not seem to return his affections? It was embarrassing, and not how the story was supposed to go. But Kelly was honest, and trust worthy, and he decided of all people he should probably open up to her, even if he was ashamed of the way he had allowed himself and his life to fall apart.

I'm supposed to set an example
I need to be the leader, my crew looks for me to guide 'em

"We're probably not as right for each other as I first thought," he admitted to Kelly quietly. She looked at him quickly as she drove as he stared out across the paddocks from out of his window. She kept quiet, not wanting to interrupt him as he revealed what he probably never had before. "She lives her life, I live mine," he sighed and popped off his seat belt as Kelly pulled into the driveway of his tiny hut behind the Widgeree station. Inside, the lights were off and the place looked extremely unwelcoming. Not someone I'd like to go home to, Kelly thought to herself. But Alex jumped out of the car anyway. Leaning in the window he finally flashed her a smile. "Thanks for the lift mate," he farewelled her.

She nodded and smiled in reply before backing back down the driveway and making the trip to St Davids. Poor Alex, what has happened to our fearless leader? She thought to herself sadly. Everyone had changed.

"Oh piss off Evan!" Susie mumbled as she reached for her phone again, like she had the night before. Of course, the message was from Evan. Who else would it be? He wasn't going to give up. She sighed and read the message. Screwing up her face she almost pressed 'reply' but thought for a moment and then didn't. She threw the phone angrily onto the floor beside her bed and turned over in amongst the sheets. She wasn't going back. She wasn't. She wasn't.

She was.

Christmas Eve approached slowly, and, her shopping done, Amy quickly found herself bored and listless and hanging around the hotel. Chris was busy and so they couldn't chat, and Tom was nowhere to be found. Evan was still moping around crying over Susie's absence, and while she did understand that it meant a lot to him, she had other things on her mind. If she had to spend another torturous night in this bar with Alex staring at her she was going to hightail it back to Melbourne and hope to make it there by Christmas morning.

But he was hard to avoid. Cops in this district for so many years now, the officers who formerly housed Mt Thomas station had holiday time coming out of their ears. Alex was hanging around like a bad smell. And he ambushed her in the parlour at 4pm on Christmas Eve, where she was actually quite enjoying reading the Gazette she had stolen from Evan's room. She had a cup of coffee beside her, one Chris had made for her specially, and she was almost looking forward to Christmas dinner tomorrow.

He came in and sat opposite her, watching as she held the paper up in front of her face to avoid eye contact with him. It was a childish move, but she couldn't help it. He made her feel desperately uncomfortable and vulnerable, like everything she was thinking was laid out on a platter for his eyes only. Behind the pages she blushed furiously, scared at what a conversation – a conversation like the one they'd had the other night – might bring.

"Amy," he began, sounding exasperated already.

She peaked over the top of the paper, looking at him, still hiding her fears behind the pages. She raised her eyebrows in silent question and took a breath in, hoping he wouldn't hear.

"Look, I just wanted to say that I'm sorry for the other night. I shouldn't have put you in that position." He stared down at his hands, admitting a truth he didn't want to. "You're not interested and that's cool, but I think I probably just needed to get out how I felt."

Amy continued to look at him, her eyes getting wider and wider. His face was pink with embarrassment and she finally began to understand perhaps what Alex's marriage was all about. But he walked out of the parlour without saying anything more.

She called out as he exited. "Whatever I might feel, it can't happen Alex. You're married. I could never step in front of that."

He turned around at the parlour door and connected gazes with her again. "Why can't it happen?" he asked wearily.

"Because you're married," she repeated, folding the paper in her lap.

He was trying so hard to make her understand. "But my marriage means nothing," he admitted sadly. He surprised and saddened himself at the same time. He had never admitted it out loud before. It was a huge let down, and a startling realisation.

"Marriage can never mean nothing Alex," Amy protested. "I mean you married her for a reason didn't you?" Surely he had married her for a reason!

"What would you know about marriage?" he asked, verging on sounding rude.

Amy didn't have an answer for that one. He was right. What did she know about marriage?

"My marriage means nothing to me, because it was something I should never have done. It means nothing to me, nothing to Rhi and nothing in general."

No reply again. Evan went to bed disheartened and woke up the same way the following day. After getting some support from Amy the night before, he thought perhaps she would hang around on Christmas Eve, but she seemed distracted and floated around the hotel, going up and down the stairs, into the kitchen, into the dining room…finally, just before 4, he lost sight of her. Sighing, he retreated to Chris's bar yet again to tear up her coasters. She never seemed to mind – he'd done it often enough in the past and she'd always just smiled and listened to his woeful stories and offered him beers. Today was no different, except he wasn't in the mood for drinking.

By 5:30pm, the bar was beginning to fill up with friends and families toasting each other and more friends and families chowing down on a big Christmas dinner Chris had put on. Everyone was in such a festive mood, because tomorrow was the big day, but Evan was feeling more unfestive than ever. She hadn't even replied. Now that was just rude! He couldn't help but be a little pissed off, although she probably had a perfectly good reason he supposed. Still, it had spoilt his Christmas and he sighed again as he reached for another coaster to tear to shreds.

He sat there for another half an hour but soon couldn't stand the noise any longer. It was a packed house that night. "I'm calling it a night Chris," he called out to the bar maid. She looked as though she wanted to reply, but she was too busy. Instead she just gave him a wave and a smile as she bustled off to serve more drinks. Evan shoved his hands in his pockets and made his way through the crowd to the door that lead to the stairs. It certainly was a packed house. He had to take his hands out of his pockets and move people aside as gently as he could manage to get through. A sea of heads stood in his way between the door and the stairs, but as suddenly as he had gotten off Chris's bar stool, one head stuck out to him. It was the shape of the neck, and the back of the shoulders that gave her away, because it certainly wasn't the hair. It was Suse.

We sealed our fate with our first kiss

He looked at her for the longest time before actually approaching, and every second that he stayed away and just stared made her feel even worse inside. He didn't know it, but the trip had been a hard one, and she had taken a taxi instead of driving. She just didn't have the strength left. She felt retched and she knew she looked it too, and knew in the back of her mind that it was a good thing she had come. She had needed to. But Jonesy didn't know that, although he was learning amazingly quickly just by taking in what she looked like at that very moment in the crowded Imperial Hotel foyer.

He opened his mouth to make a noise – a gasp, a deep breath in, a curse – but nothing came out. He was gobsmacked by what he saw. It was Suse all right, but never before had she looked so dreadful. Just the sight of her struck fear into him as they maintained eye contact across the room. He watched as her face crumpled slightly and she looked fleetingly back to the door as if deciding to ditch the whole idea of revealing her secret and running back home. Not that she would ever get there. Not tonight. Not with the way she was feeling.

The look on her face compelled him to walk over to where she stood by the door, almost oblivious to those around her. He took in her pale features and the silk scarf that covered her head. She couldn't hide the dark, hollow rings under her eyes, even though he could tell she had gone to some effort and tried to make up her face. As he approached, her expression remained the same…a little crumpled. As he got closer she began to look as though she was going to faint and when they were close enough they didn't even speak. She simply took a step towards him and half fell, half placed herself into his hold, and they stood there for several moments in their hug. He didn't grip her tightly, because she didn't look like she could take it, and this was confirmed for him when she simply hung limp against his chest, her eyes closed and her breathing uneven.

As Evan held her, not knowing what on earth to say, Alex walked in from outside. He looked downhearted also, and a pissed off look clouded his face and the way he walked until he looked up and saw just who Evan was holding onto. He stopped suddenly and, just like Evan and Susie, became oblivious to all those around him, even though the hotel was now louder than ever.

Evan connected gazes with his best friend and raised his eyebrows at him. In response Alex mouthed a 'what?' and kept back whilst Evan racked his brain trying to think of something to do or say. But nothing came to him, despite the need to increasing as the noise got louder, and then Amy walked into the room also, sad eyes directed at Alex, but then, just like with Alex, she stopped, stared and kept her distance respectfully when she saw the scene before her eyes. Suddenly the exchange of words between herself and Alex earlier were not the issue at that very moment.

Evan began to panic slightly as Susie didn't move from his chest and he sent frantic looks to his friends, asking them what to do. But they stared back at him with the blankest of stares. Susie's arrival had shocked them even more than it had Evan. They stood back and simply watched, so unsure of what was going on, when finally it came to Evan. He pulled at Susie's forearms and at last looked her in the eye. But he didn't know what to say. She stared back at him with a heart wrenching stare that made him die a little bit inside. He had been longing to see her, but like this? It wasn't what he had pictured. At long last he spoke, raising his voice just above the din of the foyer so that she could hear him.

"Should we…" anyway he said it it would sound wrong, but he said it anyway. "Go upstairs?" it was more of a question that anything he'd ever asked anyone before, and he waited patiently for an answer, still disbelieving that Susie looked like she did and she was sagging in his arms right back in the place where 'they' had begun.

Susie nodded weakly in answer and they walked up the stairs, taking each one slowly, agonisingly, carefully, one at a time. It didn't seem like Susie could handle much more. But Evan remained patient, in the hope she would tell him what the hell had happened since they had been apart. She was barely the Susie he used to know, and so vividly remembered.

Moments later they were at the door to his room, and he unlocked it quickly, something inside him making him so concerned for her welfare, even though he didn't know what was wrong. They drifted inside and he sat her down immediately onto the bed, and she looked grateful for the rest. She looked up at him appreciatively and he breathed a sigh of relief as he saw the same look he always had deep within her eyes. At least that was the same…because nothing else about her was.

You don't have to be afraid of what you are

Evan crouched on the floor in front of her. He bought a hand up and placed it on her knee, and as he did so she closed her eyes, not in pain, but something else that at that moment, Evan couldn't understand. She turned her head away from him as she closed her eyes, and he saw how deep her eyes were sunken into her face. It broke his heart. What had happened to the Susie he once knew? The Susie he had fallen so extraordinarily head over heals for?

"Suse?" he almost choked out his words – the reality of the situation they were now in was beginning to take effect on his emotions. This was like a bad dream. A scary, bad dream he had never wanted to see for real. But it was happening and she sat in front of him, a shadow of her former self.

Instead of answering him though, she simply eased herself down onto the bed and rested her head on the pillow, folding her hands underneath it. She at last looked into his eyes for more than half a second, and managed a smile. It made him smile back, but his eyes still remained questioning. "What's happened to you?" he breathed, fear in his voice and a veil of sadness enveloping his senses on that Christmas Eve.

She shuffled over and spoke finally. "Just lie with me," she whispered. Even her voice different. It had taken on a sad tone, a defeated tone, and it was one Evan barely recognised. But he obliged with her request and placed himself down beside her and she instantly sagged into his arms again, just like she had downstairs. What is this? Evan worried as he held onto her. He bought up a hand and unwittingly went to stroke her hair, but moved his hand away at the last minute. Instead, he stroked her cheek and his finger caught the first tear that fell from her eyes. They quickly became a steady rush and he was now more curious than ever. He had to know. So he pulled her away from him and held her cheek in his hands, looking into her tear filled eyes.

"Suse…" he pressed his lips together as he took in her pitiful expression and it finally struck home to him. Something was seriously wrong with his girl. She was sicker than sick.

She took a wobbly breath in and looked up at him with her glassy, tired eyes. "I wasn't going to come," she whispered. "But I didn't want to…and have you never knowing why," she cried into her pillow. "I wanted to tell you myself."

Fear raced through Evan's veins. Did he really want to know? Did he really want to know what had snatched away his golden girls livelihood?

I worry I won't see your face light up again

Amy and Alex stared at each other, transfixed, trying to take in what had just happened. Alex couldn't think of a single worthy thing to say and so walked into the bar, leaving Amy behind to stand dumbfounded in the foyer, collected Kelly and quietly mentioned what had just happened and without seeing if she and Amy were following, made his way up the stairs and down the hallway to the room he knew was Evan's.

As he approached the door, he heard Amy and Kelly's footsteps hurrying along behind him and as he raised his hand to knock Amy grabbed it hastily away, frowning intensely at him and what he was about to do. She shook her head violently and pulled him away from the door. Luckily, Alex got the drift, and they stood around uselessly in the hallway for a few minutes, unsure of whether to go down stairs or stay where they were. Finally they just sat down in the carpeted hallway and leant against the wall, not really looking at each other, and certainly not talking. What could you say? They were all as miffed as each other, but something made it seem even worse. They all feared the worst without even knowing what was wrong with their former colleague…and what had made her come back, fall into Evan's arms and then lock herself in his hotel room with him and him only. It was a mystery indeed.

Plus Alex was still feeling burnt from revealing the horrible truth about his marriage to the woman he thought would understand. Well, no, he hadn't thought she would, because he had always found Amy to be an almost cold, unfeeling person when it came to things like this, but he was hoping that just once, in his hour of need, she would change her tune. But she had silently, stubbornly, hurtfully refused and Alex had walked out of the parlour that afternoon not wanting to go home to Rhiannon and not wanting to stick around and bump into Amy every five minutes either. And so he had stayed in town, wondering around and going for a drink at the Steampacket, before quickly gulping down the last of his beer when he realised how out of place he felt in such an establishment. The Imperial would always be home.

He then walked in on something he had not been expecting to see, but the moment he did see it, everything finally became clearer. Suddenly Susie's abruptness on the telephone and the tone of her voice he had heard all made sense. Because she now looked as different as she had sounded. He had stood there and watched as she crumbled in his best friends arms, completely understanding.

And now he sat against the wall of the hallway outside Evan's room, one leg out straight in front of him, and the other bent at the knee, his elbow hanging off it. He wished he had a tennis ball to bounce back and forth against the opposing wall, if only for something to distract him from Amy, who sat almost a metre away from him, also leaning against the wall. They sat bored and worried, not knowing whether to leave or stay in case the two emerged from their hideaway. But as the minutes ticked by, Alex wanted more and more to stay and help his friends, and he got the feeling Amy and Kelly did as well, as neither of them made any attempts to move from their hallway waiting room.

As Alex took this in, his eyes connected with Amy's and he slowly began to understand her reasons, just by reading the look on her face. She stared at him briefly with apologetic eyes, and looked ready to say something constantly, even though it never came out. But he remained confused – was she apologising for being so uncaring about the state of his marriage, or for not returning the affections he confessed to her?

He sighed again and tore his eyes away from hers, wishing again that he had a tennis ball.